Children, it’s time to celebrate your mother and you haven’t got a clue what to get her. You’re in luck because this is your Guide to Giving Mom the Perfect Gift.
Let’s be Dr. Phil-honest here: To hell with the ridiculously sappy cards that someone else wrote, the purposeless trinkets that serve only to collect dust, or unflattering clothes that you might be tempted to buy even though you know damn well she’ll never wear them or have the heart to toss them. The first rule of thumb in picking out gifts for Mom is this: if it’s commercial, contrived, unimaginative, corny, or was purchased from a drugstore the same day as the event, she will probably hate it. She will play it off as if she adores whatever piece of AS SEEN ON TV crap you hurriedly purchased with little thought, but don’t believe her act. The truth is you have failed miserably.
A bouquet of her favorite flowers, an expensive piece of jewelry (that doesn’t look like it was found in the children’s department), and a good night out on the town (that doesn’t involve 2-for-1 specials) are significantly better, but they still don’t hit the mark like a revolutionary invention would.
In a recent scientifically-sound survey, we blanketed the country (sort of) and asked mothers of all walks of life (mainly the ones standing outside my kids’ school) to determine what they’d really love to have. The results are in and here is what the modern mother really wants:
- A cell phone used only by Mom that recognizes when it is lost and alerts its owner. Even better is a cell phone that solves callers’ problems and arranges for a car service to pick up and/or drop off whatever is necessary without involving Mom.
- Trashy novels that when opened emit a high frequency noise heard only by whiny kids and deter them from entering the peaceful room.
- A camera that automatically captures sweet family moments while making Mom’s hair and hips look like they belong on a runway.
- RESTART buttons on kids that erase current unwanted behavior allowing for the child’s sweet origins to reemerge when rebooted. Even better, OFF buttons for extended periods of needed respite.
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