You'll Do a Spit-Take at This LOL-Worthy Glossary of Parenting Terms

By Alessia Santoro

Updated on 1/2/2017 at 1:22 PM

A person's most frequent vocabulary words change through different phases of life — especially once they become a parent. Suddenly things like "Mommy Brain" and "Helicopter Parenting" are rolling off the tongue constantly — replacing things like "Wine Night" and "Day Off" — but in all reality, those terms have so much more meaning in the parenting world than one can convey in a short, one- to three-word phrase.

Scroll through for 33 parenting terms you hear often and what they should actually be called.

  1. Attachment Parenting: Is That Your Son or a Barnacle? (see "Babywearing")
  2. Baby Poop: Toxic Sludge
  3. Babyproofing: Maybe We Should Just Bubble-Wrap the Kid
  4. Babysitting Fee: Any Amount of Money in the World, Just Take My Kid
  5. Babywearing: I Need Four Hands to Take On This Day but I'll Settle For Two
  6. Bedtime: Time For My Kid to Suddenly Become as Thirsty as a Desert Camel
  7. Boppy Pillow: A Gift From the Feeding Gods
  8. Carpool Line: For the Love of God, Don't Park Here and Walk In With Your Child
  9. Childcare: I Get Paid Less Than This Daycare Costs (see "Babysitting Fee")
  10. Cosleeping: Getting Pushed to the Edges of the Bed Until You Fall Off
  11. Date Night: HAHA Let's Just Take a Nap While the Babysitter Watches the Kids
  12. Free-Range Parenting: I Walked 40 Blocks Alone to School in My Day, My Kid Will Be OK
  13. Getting Dressed (Babies): They're Going to Poop Just as Soon as You Do Up That Final Button
  14. Getting Dressed (Kids): Fine, Wear the Damn Cape to School
  15. Helicopter Parenting: You Can Take a Step Back, Judy, He's Fine
  16. Introducing Solid Food: How Far Can My Kid Fling Those Mashed Peas?
  17. Kid Homework: Good Luck Figuring Out This Rocket Science
  18. Lovey: This Stuffed Bear Is Going to Be in Our Lives Forever and My Kid Won't Let Me Wash It
  19. Mommy Brain: Sorry, What'd You Say?
  20. Morning: Any Time Between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. When Your Child Wakes Up Screaming
  21. Nanny: Thank God You're Here, They're Driving Me Nuts (see "Childcare")
  22. Naptime: The Determining Factor as to Whether This Day Goes Well or Not
  23. Normalize Breastfeeding: Seriously, I Don't Care What You Think of My Boobs, My Kid Is Hungry
  24. Potty Training: What Surface Will I Clean Pee From Next?
  25. School Morning: For the 30th Time, Put Your Damn Shoes On So We Can Leave
  26. School Night: What Do You Mean That Project Is Due Tomorrow?
  27. Sleep Deprivation: Too Tired To . . .
  28. Stay-at-Home Mom: 24-Hour Childcare Factory, Send Help
  29. Stroller: Half of Our Belongings Shoved Into a Basket on Wheels That My Kid Won't Sit In
  30. Temper Tantrum: No, No, No, Not Here, Please — You Can Have Dessert Before Dinner, I Swear!
  31. Terrible Twos: Toddlers Are Generally Terrible From 18 Months Onward
  32. Time Out: Sit in the Corner. No, This Isn't Funny. I Said, Sit. In. The. Corner. Ugh, Forget It.
  33. Working Mom: Thank God It's Monday, Get Me to the Office