Parenting in the Absence of the Village

We're all familiar with the parenting sentiment, "it takes a village." But in this modern age, we rarely have a village at our disposal. Most of the time, we don't have family where we live or friends with the extra time or desire to lend a helping hand in our child-rearing efforts. In many cases, like mine, we may also have a partner who works such long hours that we don't even have an extra set of hands during the week. Not to mention the countless single parents who are always on their own.

Because of this, mothering can feel lonely and overwhelming, particularly with the high expectations to raise superchildren and to have their days jam-packed with play dates and skill-building activities. I was the first of my friends in my city to have children, and as a new mother, I often felt buried under the weight of it all. I went to meetups and classes to connect with other moms, and it was at one of those events where something happened that changed my perspective on mothering for good.

My daughter was in the height of her colicky phase, and I was at a support group for new moms on a particularly challenging day. Someone asked: "What should we be doing for their brain development?" The babies were all less than six months, and no one even thought it was a strange question. The wise facilitator laughed and said, "Do you know how lucky you all are to even ask that?" She went on to say how women for generations have been worried about if their kids have enough food, if they are safe, if they are physically growing; not if their babies should be enrolled in music class or be read books to every day for an hour. That's what the village was for: basic needs.

I still try to do as much as I can for my girls, including for their brains, often at the sacrifice of my own needs, but on hard days, when I'm feeling particularly village-less, I often think of her wise words. I don't have a village. I don't have family where I live, many of my friends are single and don't know firsthand the demands of motherhood, are working moms themselves with little left to give, or live far away. On the bad days, when I fed the kids sh*t for lunch and didn't boost their self esteem or teach them anything, I think back to that day, and remind myself that today's world demands way more of mothers than it ever has, with way fewer resources, and as long as my kids end their days with full bellies snoring safely in bed, I've done my job.