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Putting the Fireworks Back in Your Bang

Putting the Fireworks Back in Your Bang

Having kids can take the spark right out of your sex life. You know what I'm talking about—you do remember it? You know, that thing that got you the kids in the first place.

 When there are toys scattered from one end of the house to another, you’ve been puked on, and the most intelligent conversation you’ve had all day is about going pee in the potty, your fuse can fizzle.

So what’s a woman to do when she needs to get the urge back?

According to numerous Circle of Moms members, you have to get creative. As oxymoronic as it sounds, the key seems to be planning to be spontaneous.

“It actually took us planning to have sex on a certain night/day at a certain time,” shares Amy P. She says that her sex drive “about died” during the first four months after her son was born. So she worked at it, and it took some formal planning. “It sounds horrible, but that is how we got it back.”

 Jaelyn T. is also an advocate of the do or die approach: “Even if you are not necessarily ‘in the mood’," she says, "plan a ‘date’ and stick to it."

“It is tough and sometimes you just gotta fit it in,” echoes Kitty A. in the Let’s Talk About Sex community.

Geez, that sounds like fun. Not.

In reality, it's often exactly what it takes to rev that engine and shift out of neutral. Sometimes a little pedal to the metal does the trick. The heck with gas mileage. Let’s just get somewhere.

Trust me, I know. My marriage came with two step children: great, awesome, amazing kids who have turned into adults I am super proud of. But when our third child came along, good grief I had so much to do that sex seemed like an additional chore on the list. I remember my poor hubby telling me that he felt more like a box to be checked off than a hot encounter.

My first reaction: I need a nap first.

When coherency returned, I knew that it wouldn’t do to have him feeling neglected. I realized that once the kids were gone, it would be just the two of us. I wanted to make sure I still knew this man and I’m not talking just about his shoe size and his favorite meal for dinner. So I got a little spunky.

With the two older kids at home I did have some babysitting help (and I didn't yet know that the entire house would be destroyed by the time we got back). I took my husband to a deserted golf course in the middle of winter and steamed up the windows in the back seat of the car. We parked where I figured we could see somebody driving up. But that really didn’t matter. Neither of us was looking out the window.

There was something dangerous and adventurous that night. I felt young again. But now the trick became to move that ignition back into the bedroom. I became more adventurous: now I “let” my husband play out fantasies (Okay, so I don’t just “let” him. I practically beg him to play along), and sometimes I just tell him, “get over here and do me.” There's something so primal about “do me” that just clicks for men. They want to be wanted like that. It’s in their DNA. I may not be completely in “do me” mode at first, but it kicks in pretty quickly.

Ladies, you know what I am talking about. It’s sort of our version of the big bang theory. Or just ask Elizabeth H. She’ll tell you it's worthwhile “even if it is just a quickie in the bathroom."

Serena L. agrees that sometimes you have to rely on past memories to guide you to the place while you can make new ones: “I find that even if I’m not in the mood before, I usually feel better that we did it after,” she writes in the After Pregnancy Babies and Infants  community. 

Jaelyn T. also believes that just the act of sex itself can melt away the troubles of the day.

“Yes, kids do take the urge right out of you,” she posts. “However, it (sex) can be a great stress burner after a particularly frustrating day.”

Trouble is, sometimes our days can be very long. Between work, drop-offs, pick-ups, piano lessons, soccer practice, homework, cooking and cleaning… all the energy gets spent elsewhere.

That’s when it helps to start building the fire during the day, as several moms can suggest.

“Sometimes flirting can go a long way. Like greeting him with a real kiss when he gets home or just a playful butt grab when he passes by, can get things going,” shares Serena L.

“Send a sexy text, IM, email, whisper something naughty in their ear as you walk by, but don't stop where you are going, just leave them to think about it,” advises Jaelyn T.

I’ve even sent my husband an email appointment for sex. If it sounds a little too formal, remember, I make appointments to see the doctor, the dentist and my kid’s teachers. Why not with my husband?

I like the way Christa L. sums up her desire for her husband: “I have five children ages 10 and under. However, I was a wife before I was a mother, and without their father I would never have been a mother,” she writes.

 Ditto sister. Ditto.

Now, go park the kids in front of an appropriate movie and lock yourself in the bedroom with your man.

Image Source: Amani Hasan via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

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ChristyLong23704 ChristyLong23704 4 years
i say have sex as much as you can with your husband and be into it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if im not in the mood.......i get in the mood real fast by talking dirty-really dirty!! who doesnt want sex?? i married when i was 27 and i made sure it was with someone that i can get enough of!! i think the women that cant get in the mood maybe married the wrong guy because i deal with depresion, i go to school full time, have a preschooler, cook meals everyday, my house is not spotless.....my point is, im busy and tired to but i cant get enough of my husband!! and hes my best friend@@
AshleeLopez AshleeLopez 4 years
Shawna, I am one of those women who lost their libido completely after my second child. I am NEVER in the mood...... But I know my husband is still a man with needs. I think this artical is exactly correct, it spoke directly to me as a woman with no time and no urge. You need to do everything you can to get the urge back, even if that means teasing him a little (or a lot) our scheduling an appt. I don't know if my libido will ever come back.... But I do know that my husband will always be happy, and in turn he well always make me happy!!! -Ashes
DawnBrune DawnBrune 5 years
The best way to get your sex drive back is to have sex. Even if you're in no mood, this was the best advice I got from my mommy friends. Once you do it, you say "gosh, why didn't I do this earlier?" and then you think about it the next day and start WANTING to do it more. It's all about stimulation ladies. Take advantage of it while you still can. You may not be so limber when you're 80! Sex releases endorphins, is a great work out, makes you feel desireable and sexy...it's a great thing. I find that after weeks of working with no play, I get irritable and cranky. I tell my husband I don't care how tired I am, we are doing it and then everythihg goes from there. Just do it! You'll live longer and happier if you orgasm more, so have fun!
TamiMcQuoid TamiMcQuoid 5 years
Love it!
BrandyParker86663 BrandyParker86663 5 years
Like the previous post, this is a good article if you do have small ones and are missing your libido. But I do see where poster Shauna is coming from, and I can totally understand her POV. If there is one thing I wish had been discussed here, it’s the importance of communication. When my husband and I got together, I had two sons from my first marriage, he had a son from his first marriage, and then we became pregnant with number 4 (who turned ten today). And there were many times when it felt just like a duty to keep him happy. I hated feeling like that, and the whole, "maybe once you get started you'll like it" idea - well, I lived through that for years; and I can honestly tell you, not only does it NOT work, it makes you basically feel like someone's chattel and not a wife. Sex does improve, but it takes understanding from each of you, and the willingness on both sides to meet in the middle (so to speak, ha!) to work on it. Both partners need to listen and really understand the others' point of view. About two and a half years ago, I became a rep for a company that sells adult novelties, and I've been very successful at it because helping women restore their libido is a topic I'm very passionate about. I've been where they are. I know what women go through. So, for me, it was a very personal reason why I got started in this line of business. No, I'm not posting this to get your business. I'm posting this because no woman should have to suffer through what decreased sex drive does to her marriage, and hopefully women know that there are options to help – but again, communication is the most important part of a healthy sex life.
KimberlyFarrier KimberlyFarrier 5 years
There are a ton of articles out there about how a women can spice up their sex life and it is always centered on what she needs to do. where's the articles for the men?? I mean it's hard to even care about whether or not my husband gets what he needs when it seems like he doesn't care about what I need. even when I try to "spice things up" all he cares about is HIS needs. I am more stressed and frustrated after then I am before which makes it a chore to check off on my to do list! it wasn't always like this but after 15 years of marriage and 4 kids from 10 to 17, all he cares about is his stress release. so I ask again, where are the articles for the men giving them suggestions on how to keep the love life alive??
LindyTan LindyTan 5 years
It's definitely very encouraging words and very challenging! Hey! To all the mummies...get your butt moving before your hubby seek and sex their desire elsewhere like how it often happens. Keep yourself looking good no matter how busy you are with your kids or chores. Take the time to look hard into the mirror and ask yourself what is missing? I very much regretted I didn't do it during those days.........
SheriseAnderson SheriseAnderson 5 years
this is a good article, very encouraging. ive got three kids under 3 with one more on the way and it's killing my sex drive. i wanted it so much after i bounced back from having my twins that my hubs was begging for a break lol. but now i def agree i hafta get past the initial feeling of "omg i SO dont want to" cuz i know deep down i really do. i talked to my husband about diff things to get me goin since my body is diff and he was more than willing and im glad to say theyve worked. one thing ill offer as opinion to anyone that wants it: if you dont want to have sex, really get introspective and think about why. dont blame ur kids, or the day, or w/e. (i had to do this myself). is the sex bad? do you feel unsatisfied? are you upset about something like not getting enough help w the kids? kelly is right it's an intimacy thing, ESPECIALLY for us women. if we're not feeling intimate, we wont want to be sexual. hopefully that helps someone gain an alternate perspective, sex isnt just about sex. again, great article.
ArleneFoster44599 ArleneFoster44599 5 years
I enjoyed reading this article. It was very informative. I am fortunate to say that I haven't encountered the lack of sex problem yet (hopefully never) but I do sympathize with you ladies. I am 41. Hubby is 43. We are married 13 years with two very active & busy boys 6 & 12. From the beginning of our relationship we made a pledge not to become the boring married people we hear about. We have maintained that promise. We stick to our monthly date (usually dinner, movie, theatre, shopping for something sexy). Every year for our anniversary, we slip away for even one night-sometimes at a nearby motel if we can't entertain a traditional vacation. By the way we have a long distance marriage which spices up things a lot. We see each other weekly but sometimes we're apart for longer periods. I mail him sensual coupons which he never forgets to redeem. I'll mail him a pair of my undies with his favorite fragrance (perfume) on it. Ever so often I'll send hi flowers or candy. The naughty texts are very popular and more frequent now that I got the iphone so it's easy to attach a nice sexy pic. When he travels, I always pick him up from the airport wearing a sexy lil number and that always results in a motel detour before reaching home. These are just some things that work for me ladies. Maybe you can try some of them. Traci
SarahSmith35231 SarahSmith35231 5 years
I actually found the comments of this article more interesting than the article itself (although it was interesting too). I have zero sex drive, absolutely none. I don't think about sex - ever. I might become aroused maybe twice a year, and it's not a physical sensation for me it's a mental process - my thoughts change, if I notice the change I realise I'm horny. My partner and I are in an open relationship for this exact reason. I have told him I have great difficulty giving him what he wants and I will understand (and even encourage) him to get that need met elsewhere. He just wont do it, so we're both left frustrated. I suggested we 'make an appointment' he said he shouldn't have to. He wants me to do all the initiation. My children are 7 & almost-4 and both have Asperger's Syndrome. The 4 year old is home full time at the moment, so it's hard for us to just make time. This is a huge issue for us and something I really do hope we can work through.
ToniFloyd ToniFloyd 5 years
I really feel for the women out there that are dealing with rejection. I was in the exact same boat! For those women that think they don't need to do anything about their husband's physical needs, don't go crying if they end up taking it elsewhere. I'm very conservative but I was really fed up with the rejection and lack of intimacy. We finally scheduled a date night starting a couple of months ago (like the article suggests) and it has saved our marriage. It's not just about getting off, it's about intimacy and feeling loved and desired. I do believe spouses are responsible for meeting each other's physical and emotional needs.
LisaCole87529 LisaCole87529 5 years
Ok try this one. Our daughter us nearly 2 my husband and u are in our early 30's and we haven't had sex or even a passionate kiss since I was pregnant. Everytime I go near him I get rejected. What should I do!!!!!!!!!
NancyMacKrell NancyMacKrell 5 years
I just read an interesting article in a magazine. I have not tried it, but I think I am going to. The article suggested that one partner in a marriage, either or, give the other partner a "bead". Once the bead is accepted it is to indicate that sex will occur within 24 hours. It was a trial type of article so there were a lot of responses. In the end it seemed a positive approach. The recipient of the bead had time to prepare and think, therefore, getting "in the mood".
SharonKathleenCorner SharonKathleenCorner 5 years
i had a full hysterectomy six years ago...sex...really? I have no desire...i recently agreed to be a study for a testosterone to see if it would give me a sex drive...there would be the drug, and the placibo....after six months...i think i got the placibo...hubby is so upset....he is so frustrated.
MonaVanDuyn MonaVanDuyn 5 years
Great article, I feel we all need to work in this area so it dont get steal. I have learned a hard lesson. My husband loved me very much and loved having sex witj me. Over the years there has been hurtful things said and done that causrd me not to want it as much. So that made us both feel rejected. I lost him do to him not feeling wanted or atractive to me. Now I see how important it is to them as well as to us women. We all need to feel sexy men and women, so flirting and sweet nothings are needed to keep both active in the bedroom. I hope I get another chance to make up our sex life and love relationship.
MichelleSizemore MichelleSizemore 5 years
I found this article VERY helpful. I think the idea was that once you done it a few times when you don't necesarily want to, it brings back how much fun it is and your drive might pick back up. THANK YOU!!!
MarshaHeap MarshaHeap 5 years
I can sympathize with Melissa's situation with her husband's zero libido. I, too, have chosen silence over rejection. You can lead them to water, but you can't make 'em drink..
MelissaHamm MelissaHamm 5 years
Well, it is very different for us. Because of husband's medications, his libido is gone. All four medications hve the side effect of low sex drive, so we are compounded times 4. After a while, it is easier to just not ask, then to keep getting rejected.
ChristinaWannamaker ChristinaWannamaker 5 years
I have a very big interest in love making. but my husband od three years isnt into it. I masterbate at least 3 times a wk, to keep myself from going nuts, but i miss having the real thing. Id like to know how to get my husband into having sex. Ive tried everything. but nothing works. And the rejection i get from him kills me. so i stopped asking, stoped trying. he says i make it a chore ... that hurt real bad..... any advise for me???
kelisanders kelisanders 5 years
I love this article! Well written!
KellyStaton KellyStaton 5 years
I don't think sex is the main issue, a loss of intimacy will kill a couples sex life sometimes permanently. If all your focus is on kids and work, what is the point in being together anymore? You should tell each other daily that you love each other, you should kiss and flirt, and sex should happen regularly every week if you are physically able and in the same bed every night. It isn't something you are giving him it is sharing closeness with the partner you chose for life. If he no longer wanted to kiss you or hug you then you would be heartbroken and feel like he didn't love you....I just wonder how women think their husband feels when she won't change in front of him or let him touch certain places or doesn't want foreplay. You shouldn't do things sexually with anyone that you don't want to so I don't buy into the whole wifely duty crap. I just think intimacy is a vital part of any union and telling your husband to crank one off in the bathroom is saying not only do I not care about your physical needs or wants but I don't want you touching me either. I hapen to like my guy alot and I am intimate with him in all sorts of ways, daily...and yes children and life and work get in the way sometimes but we both make an effort to send sweet or naughty texts, visit each other at work with a drink or snack on a long day, pick up treats for each other or thoughtful gifts when we are out shopping alone, send the kids to Grandma's fix his favorite meal or he takes me out for mine. I'm not for the whole scheduled thing that just seems very unromantic and somebody has to be the enforcer and who wants to do that? Isn't it hotter to say take me now and then schedule a sitter or grandparents for the weekend and plan a repeat performance plus dinner out or a movie.
kittyangel kittyangel 5 years
I thought of planning it out but it never works for me LOL
JodiScottTrevizo JodiScottTrevizo 5 years
What happens if my marriage is strained and I don't feel attracted to my husband? Then it would be a chore. I'm kind of a prude anyway, which I hate, and I think birth control pills killed any libido I ever had. Any help out there?
DeborahTepania DeborahTepania 5 years
Date nights are pretty special for us, we have been married 24 years in 3 days tiime lol, and we have 9 children, every fortnight we go to the movies, have subway and it works for us, we do take our 8 month baby with us coz shes a mummy and daddy girl but we don't mind at all. :)
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