Having kids can take the spark right out of your sex life. You know what I'm talking about—you do remember it? You know, that thing that got you the kids in the first place. When there are toys scattered from one end of the house to another, you’ve been puked on, and the most intelligent conversation you’ve had all day is about going pee in the potty, your fuse can fizzle.
So what’s a woman to do when she needs to get the urge back?
According to numerous Circle of Moms members, you have to get creative. As oxymoronic as it sounds, the key seems to be planning to be spontaneous.
“It actually took us planning to have sex on a certain night/day at a certain time,” shares Amy P. She says that her sex drive “about died” during the first four months after her son was born. So she worked at it, and it took some formal planning. “It sounds horrible, but that is how we got it back.” Jaelyn T. is also an advocate of the do or die approach: “Even if you are not necessarily ‘in the mood’," she says, "plan a ‘date’ and stick to it."
Geez, that sounds like fun. Not.
In reality, it's often exactly what it takes to rev that engine and shift out of neutral. Sometimes a little pedal to the metal does the trick. The heck with gas mileage. Let’s just get somewhere.
Trust me, I know. My marriage came with two step children: great, awesome, amazing kids who have turned into adults I am super proud of. But when our third child came along, good grief I had so much to do that sex seemed like an additional chore on the list. I remember my poor hubby telling me that he felt more like a box to be checked off than a hot encounter.
My first reaction: I need a nap first.
When coherency returned, I knew that it wouldn’t do to have him feeling neglected. I realized that once the kids were gone, it would be just the two of us. I wanted to make sure I still knew this man and I’m not talking just about his shoe size and his favorite meal for dinner. So I got a little spunky.
With the two older kids at home I did have some babysitting help (and I didn't yet know that the entire house would be destroyed by the time we got back). I took my husband to a deserted golf course in the middle of winter and steamed up the windows in the back seat of the car. We parked where I figured we could see somebody driving up. But that really didn’t matter. Neither of us was looking out the window.
There was something dangerous and adventurous that night. I felt young again. But now the trick became to move that ignition back into the bedroom. I became more adventurous: now I “let” my husband play out fantasies (Okay, so I don’t just “let” him. I practically beg him to play along), and sometimes I just tell him, “get over here and do me.” There's something so primal about “do me” that just clicks for men. They want to be wanted like that. It’s in their DNA. I may not be completely in “do me” mode at first, but it kicks in pretty quickly.
Ladies, you know what I am talking about. It’s sort of our version of the big bang theory. Or just ask Elizabeth H. She’ll tell you it's worthwhile “even if it is just a quickie in the bathroom." Serena L. agrees that sometimes you have to rely on past memories to guide you to the place while you can make new ones: “I find that even if I’m not in the mood before, I usually feel better that we did it after,” she writes in the After Pregnancy Babies and Infants community. Jaelyn T. also believes that just the act of sex itself can melt away the troubles of the day.
“Yes, kids do take the urge right out of you,” she posts. “However, it (sex) can be a great stress burner after a particularly frustrating day.”
Trouble is, sometimes our days can be very long. Between work, drop-offs, pick-ups, piano lessons, soccer practice, homework, cooking and cleaning… all the energy gets spent elsewhere.
That’s when it helps to start building the fire during the day, as several moms can suggest.
“Sometimes flirting can go a long way. Like greeting him with a real kiss when he gets home or just a playful butt grab when he passes by, can get things going,” shares Serena L.
“Send a sexy text, IM, email, whisper something naughty in their ear as you walk by, but don't stop where you are going, just leave them to think about it,” advises Jaelyn T.
I’ve even sent my husband an email appointment for sex. If it sounds a little too formal, remember, I make appointments to see the doctor, the dentist and my kid’s teachers. Why not with my husband?
I like the way Christa L. sums up her desire for her husband: “I have five children ages 10 and under. However, I was a wife before I was a mother, and without their father I would never have been a mother,” she writes. Ditto sister. Ditto.
Now, go park the kids in front of an appropriate movie and lock yourself in the bedroom with your man.
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.