Dating as a single mom is complicated enough, but when you add sex to the mix it can get even more complex. How long do you wait? How do you handle the stereotypes guys may have about single moms? When do you find the time? Where do you go? Ultimately these are are very personal decisions to make, but Circle of Moms members who are single and dating have offered a variety of perspectives to consider as you answer them for yourself.
"I Miss Sex"
After nearly two years of single motherhood, Circle of Moms member Danielle C. says she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but she really missed sex. She’s not alone. Admitting it might be a “crass” topic, single mom Elle G. asked other Circle of Moms members about "getting laid," and along with getting advice about being patient and waiting for the right man to come along, Trish H. was honest enough to say sometimes “you have an itch and an itch needs to be scratched.” She encourages Elle to enjoy her freedom and go out and have some (safe) fun.
Mens' Expectations Don't Match My Reality
Finding someone to help you scratch the itch doesn’t seem to be a problem. Circle of Moms members have shared experiences revealing that there are plenty of men who are more than willing to sleep with a single mom on the first date or as a “friend with benefits.” So many, in fact, that single mom Andrea J. is bothered that most of the men she meets expect she’ll jump into bed with them right away. “It’s like me having a child makes me a slut or a free pass to sex,” she complains.
Despite the fact that other members reassure Andrea that this phenomenon isn’t exclusive to single motherhood, Barbara M. says she’s run across the same thing, and thinks men see a single mom as a desperate, easy target. “They don't get that if I decide to spend time away from my child, it must be worth it,” she adds.
Logistics are Challenging But Not Impossible
As a single mom, though, finding time to spend with a man when your kids aren't around is hard. Circle of Moms members have come up with some creative solutions to this problem.
Amy L. advises setting a regular time for a family member to watch your kids even before you find a guy, to make your absence less awkward. That way, if your family is used to watching your kids every other Saturday while you have some time to yourself, it’s not incredibly obvious what you may be doing with that time.
Moms Amanda J. and Melissa R. say their boyfriends come over to watch movies after their children are in bed. For Amanda, at least, it seems as though this is a solution to both the “where” and “when” dilemma of having sex as a single mom.
Others suggest lunch dates or late-night dinners as a good meeting time. Mom Sharon D. says a late dinner would allow her to put her son to bed before a sitter arrives and “that way he won't even miss [her] or know [she’s] gone.”
I'm Discrete for My Kids' Sake
One thing all these single moms have in common is the need to keep their relationships, as mom Latelia F. puts it, “on the down low" from their kids. For example, though Trish encourages Elle “to explore what the dating world has to offer,” she is clear in advising Elle not to bring men home to meet her daughter.
This discretion is a matter of protection, moms say. They’re not going to let their kids meet a man until they know that it’s more than just a fling. And even after a relationship is more serious, some moms, including Amanda J., try to shield their children from the fact that a boyfriend has stayed the night. She's emphatic: “If he stays over, he gets up and leaves before [the children] ever get up.”
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