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When Ex-Husbands Buy Gifts Instead of Child Support

When Ex-Husbands Buy Gifts Instead of Child Support

Divorce brings plenty of sadness over the loss of "the family," but many Circle of Moms members who have been through one say it also brings continual angst over everyday issues, and especially over money. Arguments over who pays for what for the children is portrayed as a drag out war on the big screen (think War of the Roses) and in episodes of Real-life Housewives of Orange County, but it's the stuff of everyday life for many real families.

Circle of Moms member Crystal I. says that in a "healthy" divorce, both parents act consistently for the benefit of the kids. But, like many of her peers who receive little or no child support from their ex-husbands, she wonders what a mom is supposed to do when she's maxed out financially and forced to say no to requests for extras, only to find that her ex is buying the kids discretionary items like iPhones and other gadgets. "My kid's father sent my kids clothes and other gifts," she says, but at the same time, she's fighting him in court because he is not paying child support."

What do you do when he buys the children whatever they want while you're stuck scraping to cover the practical expenses of daily living?

Jennifer V. says she doesn't have any answers, but shares a frustration and outrage. "You pay the bills," she says. "You support your children's needs as well ... gifts should not replace meeting the needs of our children first. It is amazing that these guys ... give ‘gifts' in place of our children's needs."

Worse even is when ex-husbands bad mouth moms to their kids and suggest that she should purchase "anything [the] child wants because he paid you child support," says Samantha E. "My daughter (14 years old) seems to think that because her dad pays child support, I should buy her whatever she wants. Apparently when she asks dad for something he says ‘ask your mom, that's what I pay her for.' Nice, eh? My kids don't go without - all needs are met, but there are limits."

Bottom line, say moms, is that what should matter to dads is "paying child support instead of giving gifts," says Robertine L. "[We] mothers are always going the extra mile for our kids," she says. "You have to make sure they have a roof over their head as well as food and clothing. It's not fair to have to carry the load, and then he [gets to] give ‘the gifts.'"

So what is a mother to do? "Be frank with your kids," suggests Renee C. "Explain that even though [their] father pays child support [now], it is for food, housing, medical, etc. ... extra things have to be earned. And what's wrong with telling [them] that before, you did go without? I think that sometimes they should know."

What do you do when your ex undermines you?

Image Source: Pheckel via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

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juliadoherty juliadoherty 2 years
Sorry to say but this is why no fault divorce is a terrible thing. If divorce were not do easy and laid blame where blame was due then people might work harder to work things out. Studies show that the couples who rate their marriages the worse but stick it out rate there marriages very high within a 5 year period but second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages.
juliadoherty juliadoherty 2 years
Shelly, I would be careful what I wished for. I can't think of one person whose situation was made better when a step mom entered the picture but I can sure think of a lot of people who ended up with and extra level of issues.
ShellyPoole ShellyPoole 3 years
In my divorce, my ex pays his child support, but has been litigating it for 2 years now. He is pretty wacky and attempts to make my life more difficult and stressful. I think the important thing is to insulate the kids from the fight. My ex and I have had such a contentious fight, but for the most part, the kids have been well insulated and well taken care of. I don't really care if my ex hates my guts as long as the kids's needs are met and they are happy and loved. I would love to see my ex get the kids a stepmom because I don't think he's very loving and I would hope a stepmom would be more loving. I would also feel more comfortable because my ex is very careful to not let anyone know what he does with the kids. Having other eyes there would make me feel better. But, while child support can be a big issue, it isn't the only one and I think parents need to see the care of their kids in a big-picture way.
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