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When You Think Your Husband Has an Online Porn Habit

When You Think Your Husband Has an Online Porn Habit

For months, Circle of Moms member Janel C. would wake at 3 a.m. and find the other side of the bed empty. In a sleep fog, she would go in search of her husband and find him hunched over his computer screen. He’d tell her he had insomnia and just couldn’t sleep.

Then came the discovery. Morning after morning, she’d find porn sites popping up on the computer screen. He explained it away as an Internet virus, but she became increasingly suspicious and asked a friend how to confirm her hunches on the computer. With the friend's help she discovered he was surfing porn sites.

“I was blown away and I was devastated,” she shares. “I believe it is a form of cheating. I started not to trust him. I did not want to have sex with him. I would lay there in bed thinking, 'So, is he really making love to me, or to some woman he saw on the Internet?"

She is far from alone, according to the stream of Circle of Moms conversations in which moms are talking about discovering their husbands' secret passion for pornography, and about what it tells them about their marriages.

Some say the discovery makes it a struggle to stay in their marriages. Others says it's not a big deal, just something all guys do. And still others say that while it hurts, they love their husbands and don’t want to toss out the life they’ve built together. In all camps, tehre are moms who say a couple can work together to heal the corrosive impact of one partner's porn habit on a relationship.

While every reaction to the discovery of a partner's secret interest in pornography is as individual and unique as the couple inolved, moms who've been through it have pooled some good advice for dealing with it. What matters most, theys say, is finding ways to rebuilding their relationships. Here are some words of wisdom gathered from both members and experts, and representing a range of responses.

1. Cut Yourself Some Slack

Panic and confusion are normal responses, says Katie C. “You're completely within your rights to feel hurt,” she adds. “If it is something that hurts you, your husband needs to know this. It's something my husband and I talked about early in our marriage because he had trouble with it in his past.” Shelli T. adds, “Remember it is not you. Been there! You feel hurt and angry. The first step is to realize that it has nothing to do with you (or) how you fulfill his needs.”

2. Don’t Accuse Prematurely

“Before you accuse your husband, I would approach the subject lightly and make positively sure he was looking at porn," says Rebekah S. "It is easy to type in a web site wrong and those sites pop up, or think you are going to a site and it turns out to be something else."

3. It’s Not Naughty. It’s Fantasy

Some moms believe it's just fantasy and doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t love you or find you attractive. "It's natural. And most guys do look at porn," says Kea G., adding, “I would rather have my husband looking at porn than cheating on me. Men have fantasies and sometimes they are going to act on those fantasies. It's better to act on them in front of a computer then with another woman."

4. "Support Him and Share Feelings to Help Rebuild the Relationship"

Jessie N. agrees that pornography habits are far from rare, and that many married men struggle because it's so easily available online. “I know my husband has. The best thing you can do is know that your husband does love you. You can choose to love your husband despite his weaknesses and you can be his help mate when he struggles."

Mark Chamberlain, Co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn," adds that women often feel left out, believing that this is an issue their husband wants to handle on his own. But he adds, the couple needs to work on it together. Couples are more likely to repair the relationship if "it becomes us — husband and wife together — working against the problem of pornography."

Janel C. adds that it's important to share feelings of anger, fear and hurt rather than bottling them up. "Tell him," she urges. After confirming her husband's Internet pornography habit, she said it took a long time for her wounds to heal. But working through those feelings ushered in a happy ending. She and her husband spent a year in counseling together and he joined a men's accountability group at their church.

”It really helped him and saved our marriage,” she says. ”It did, however, take me a long time to forgive and trust him. If you suspect your husband is looking at porn, you need to confront him and tell him how you feel about it. If this is something that is hurting you, you need to deal with it now before it tears you and him apart.”

Image Source: Courtesy of Craig Q/Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

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trina5538 trina5538 3 years
I feel that way at first it was a little bit together every once in a while now the only way I can have sex with my husband is if he looks at porn on line. I don't want him to touch me any more every time he tries I look on the computer and there it is the day before at least an hour of searching different porn sites then he wants sex. It did not used to be like that I could turn him on with a back rub or full body rub. Every since he was on drugs he got heavier in porn he got off drugs for a 2 years now and porn is the only way he can get it hard now i don't understand I have lost weight started going to the gym trying to wear make up putting on sexy night a tire but now he cant keep it hard unless he looks at them its insulting and hurts I want to leave but i love him I talked to him about it and he says he cant believe i worried about such trivial things when there are so many bad things in the world and this is what you came up with He says i am grown man he don't live with mommy any more I am tired of going without sex months at a time. It has been such a hassel for me to deal with it sometimes I have to have my need met but during the whole sex time I ready to cry because i know hours before He was looking at so many other woman to give me something that is precious to me I lay beside him and i can get in the mood he sweet touch will get me there and he acts so innocent like I'm overreacting I don't know any more I just know that my sex drive is very healthy and I wont cheat so I want to leave but then I look at the 7 years we have shared he beat the drug habit he has got his life together and we are doing fine financially but I'm confused
NataschiaNewcomb NataschiaNewcomb 3 years
Also ask yourselves do YOU like other men find them attractive and fantasize about them it's natural to be attracted to other people and fantasize I'm sure most of us are guilty of that it's not just men
NataschiaNewcomb NataschiaNewcomb 3 years
Also to comment on afore msg ladies if porn led to your husband cheating take a good look t what you are doing wrong you probably have pushed him away you need to COMMUNICATE if your communication skills and openness about porn then your relationship is off and no porn is not a sin most people see it as a form of education and some like my self who are bisexual appreciate a beautiful woman but as long as I know that my man loves me I have no prob with it because I know I turn him on I give him what guys fantasize about so if your guy does leave you because of it that's not the problem the root is either he's not into any more yove supressed him or you were being naggy which guys HATE . being open and eager to try new and different things is the key to life had it not life as we know it would be obliterated we would never have conquered gotten over anything ex Chinese food DELICIOUS you know it you like had it not been for progressive time and change we wouldn't have been open to it and none of us would even know what it tasted like not of the things we get from around he world would be here life would be a lot different and a lot worse so being open is KEY
NataschiaNewcomb NataschiaNewcomb 3 years
Porn is a great thing not a bad thing We are all animals our instincts are to mate and be driven by instinct and desire guys like porn for the stimulating imgagery they are driven by visuals naked women turn men on no matter what so girls if your not happy with yourself and insecure you won't be happy about them watching but it's a great thing in the sense as you can learn interesting and exciting things and guys find their girl more attractive if they watch with them girls you can learn sexier and better ways to please your man your man wants you to be like them they want it and they dress sexy and that is what really turns a man on so women next time you have sex put on a movie make up and lingerie and get more secure with yourself once you learn porn is imprinted in mens DNA the sooner you will get over the fact that he will look and fantasize about other women and the more you repress his urges the further he'll push you away and that's never a good thing my relationship has become stronger due to porn when I act like them I feel more confident feel my guy has a better appreciation because I see I turn him on more then them you just have to give it a chance then after if he gets worse and ignores you and makes you feel bad then it's a problem
JessicaCarr35773 JessicaCarr35773 3 years
It's not about cheating or not cheating. It's about him purposely hurting his wife. If both parties are fine with it, then go for it. But if the wife says, "this hurts me", and the husband does it anyway, that's a problem.
FirstLast77220 FirstLast77220 4 years
If you hired a hooker and sent her to you home to seduce your husband. 99% of habitual porn-viewing husbands would say "no". Even if they thought there was no way their wives would ever find out.
FirstLast77220 FirstLast77220 4 years
This really is simply due to a clash of fantasies. Women's fantasies being shattered is the point of the pain, but the solution is not to attempt to re-create the fantasy. It is to educate women better as to what to expect from a male human. Raised to find a "prince" or to pick "the one", women are convinced there's a trove of men out there who do everything perfectly and are without fault, and that women need to find them among the trove of trash that is the "other males" who are out there. So in no particular order, lets smash the MYTHS this upbringing leads women to believe: 1. Viewing pornography and ______(fill in the blank) is the same as really going out and cheating with a real person that is in the same area, and physically accessible to the viewer and expresses the same desires. Reason it is false: Unless you happened to marry the most ugly, vile creature in your town, if he desired to leave you and move on with another woman, He'd do that. There's nothing stopping him. You told him to stop viewing porn, and did he? No, he does whatever he damn wall wants, this is the nature of MEN. If he WANTED the other attractive females in the area, HE'D GO GET ONE, and you'd be divorced watching him and his newer, younger, prettier, etc wife taking your kids to movies and other activities. Many women ARE experiencing this life, because that IS what their husbands wanted. Myth #2. There are "non-human" males out there who are capable of suppressing every biological desire, and completely control their thoughts and once they've become married, never even think unfaithful thoughts. Reason this is false: Males are HUMANS, Humans are not perfect, humans make MISTAKES, humans have chemical urges that they must learn to control over TIME. More than likely the method of controlling the urge to have an orgasm was being controlled by "venting" the urge using pornography before the person became involved in a relationship. Realizing that their spouse is "human" and has evolutionary urges, and the fear that he may act on them can be very startling to women, but the solution is not to become emotional about it, it is not to become religious about it, it is to become EDUCATED about it. The best thing for many women is simply coming to grips with the fact that their husband's choice to control that urge with a system that is quick and discreet keeps him from doing what he could very easily just go do (go actually pursue an additional real relationship with a real woman), and that THIS shows respect for the woman by not burdening her for sexual release on a daily basis (which is what men need) and by not just flat going out and acting like that animal that he is inside. Hate to tell you this ladies, but there's 2 perspectives. It stinks when men walk past the bathroom you just crapped in too. The fact that you are female and live with the male, can cause him to want to have sex 20 minutes after you just had sex and you just passed out. It is not these images that are driving is sexual urge it is the pherimones and presence of YOU. You are both animals. Accept that you may have to WORK to be more "godlike". Its going to be A LOT of work if that's your goal.
christolynshope christolynshope 4 years
Wow ladies glad 2 kno I am not n this boat alone! I 2 am n love with a man who views porn, he uses his phone cause we don't hav internet on home pc. He lies about it all the time & has phone locked, but I do manage 2 figure out code time 2 time & yes I look! I believe couples should hav NO secrets! He said he needs his privacy blah blah blah. The other day I also found msg he had sent woman on Fb, so yes porn does get old & lead 2 mor things! We do go 2 church, he was baptized last yr but that hasn't caused a change n his behavior! We r coming up on our 5 yr Ann & it was bad enough the 1st 3 yrs but I was dc with breast vs almost 2 yrs ago & had 1hav breast removed so ladies self esteem & self image is already non existent this just does nothing 2 improve it! I am only 41 he is 54 he says it takes mor 4 him now. I won't lie the 1st yr I put up with it & we watched it 2gether til I realized he never evr looked @ me his face was always glued 2 tv it hurt! Stil does! God Bless u all!
WhitneyCowart WhitneyCowart 4 years
There is a huge difference between a "church goer" and a Christian....there are many church members that aren't Christians, and many Christians that don't attend church. I fully believe watching porn is a sin. When my husband was terribly addicted to porn, watching it or viewing pornigraphic images when i was out of the room, he was so disconnected from me when it came to our sex life. I in no way am opposed to new things but to be compared to the women in the videos is unrealistic and degrading. Men should feel very blessed and thankful for their wives and cherish them for who they are, inside and out. If you married each other you must have had an attraction and love for each other. So he needs to stop viewing the trash and love his wife!
MindySmith15281 MindySmith15281 4 years
I can not beleive this.. Really all these girl's IT IS CHEATING!!!! *IT IS NOT CHEATING* Regardless to what you all think it is a form of getting ideas for them to try in bed. NOT replacing you w/ some girl in the video. It is alittle embarrasing for them to openly admit it all the time exspecially when they think or know you are gonna go off the deep end and turn into godzilla. My fiance and I have an understanding he can look at porn but he can not erase the history or hide it. Then I get alittle mad. I don't care I never yell at him or make him feel little about it if by chance I do notice he had looked during the night or when I wasn't home. I have looked w/ him as well when I seen him looking. SO what! All guys have a kind of fantasy and if the girl (wife fiance girlfriend ) is so old school and plain jane he is gonne be curiouse of his fantasy and find it on the internet or on a dvd. DOESN"T MEAN HE IS CHEATING !!! I can't beleive how many time I hear people over reacting over something so stupid. DON"t be a prude nicely explain to him you know and would like to join and slowly work on getting him comfortable w/ openly looking. IT DOES TAKE TIME AND TRUE TRUST. YOu can't be Dr. Jekle and Ms. hyde 1 min be ok and the next you find he had or is and go crazy he has to feel truly comfortable. I mean maybe he can give you little tips on how to help better your sex life and make thingas alittle more fun. But if it is something you don't like and all then say nicely hey I didn't really like that so maybe we can not do that anymore. BUT GETTING DIVORCED BECAUE OF PORN?? That is soo childish and women need to grow up and be sobitter and crazy and controlling. OH and the other thing is being a church member or a hard core religiouse person doesn't mean you can not be a normal person. If that was the case then you are already a bad person for having sex in the beginnign or having kids. You can look at porn on the internet, dvd and even magazines. If you feel looking at that is bad because you are a church goer then you need to become a nun and never have sex in order to be truly faithful. Honestly theses comments about well I go to church and now I can't or don't wor wont is copletely crazy. You are human... RIGHT? you are not a nun are you?
RebeccaHuff RebeccaHuff 4 years
i can understand worrying about your kids finding something because of your husbands searching habbits, but he can fix that if he erases the browsing history and cookies on the computer. no big deal. i just want to know how you know exactly what he's thinking about. it seems amazing to know that because he's watching porn he's replaced you with a clip of a person paid to have unreal sex. if i could read a man's mind like that i'd make a fortune.
DiannePilcher DiannePilcher 4 years
Mary Beth Sammons, you are a fool,and misleading women with your misinformed views of an spouse viewing pornography, which is an addiction. Addiction, left untreated, eventually leads your readers to become codependents, addicts themselves, or victims of sexual abuse. Children in the home eventually become exposed to these pop-ups and become addicted to pornography themselves at young ages, who by the time they are teens, are controlled by that addiction. Imagine, when you speak to your spouse and your children, you are speaking to THAT drug--THAT addiction, which controls their lives, as all addictions do. Sexual abuse from this spouse will occur as eventually he will act out his fantasies on you, and you are just the object being used at that moment. The love and affection you once shared can no longer hold a candle to the overpowering addiction to find that bigger hit lodged in his mind--the image of those women---spurring him on to be with them. Just remember, its them he is adoring, not you, behind those closed eyes at the height of his passion. Yes, support him. Support him through a recovery program long before this becomes your child's inheritance.
RobynJade RobynJade 4 years
Society has made porn seem normal but it's not. My boyfriend sneeks and lies about it wich just adds salt on the already gapping wound. For 4 years we only seen each other on weekends and lived in different locations and after a month of living together he admitted to watching it the whole time we have been together. We have always had problems with it. Because of that and other things, we are on the verg of splitting. I am sure even though he swears he wont do it anymore that he at least craves and thinks about it all the time. For all I know he has mags at work stacked up in his locker because that's the only way he wont get caught. Even after I told him if it happens again I'll leave, he still did it. He's not a porn sufer, he's an addict. No wonder why the guy never tells me I'm pretty. Not very pretty compared to the girls he's used to looking at and masterbating to. I can't prove the mags at work but I'm probably right.... and I've caught him enough times to know that it's not going to leave my life or my relationship any time soon.
MichelleBroxton MichelleBroxton 4 years
thanks so much for this article. It is a problem that most households experience unknowingly. It is nice to know I'm not alone in this issue! I'm with you Hilliary!!! If you are hiding it, you shouldn't be doing it, and it is a form of rejection if you not doing it together to spice up your relationship!
SamanthaKingsbury SamanthaKingsbury 4 years
So, I know my husband watches porn, and he knows it hurts me A LOT. We've talked about and I've cried and we've made up but now he hides it. He'll wait until I'm in the shower or something, but he doesn't know how to erase the history, so he's always caught. I don't know what else to do...
KariWalters98405 KariWalters98405 4 years
#3 is ridiculous. It leads to an affair because if your husband is fantasizing about being with someone else and the opportunity presents itself he will act on it. Don’t fool yourselves that it is ok just because everyone is doing it. It’s not. It ruins marriages. If your husband is looking at porn get counseling immediately for you both.
LizabehNewman LizabehNewman 4 years
My god i thought no one else had this problem i can honestly say i am glad i found this . My partner of 16 monts is that adicted to porn he even forgets that i am here . I have tried to talk to him about how it makes me feel but he dose not care. I even said one night its the porn or me , he stayed up watching the porn made me feel real special. I have tried so hard i think its time to give up.
LindaMartinGodlee LindaMartinGodlee 4 years
Well. I knew my husband used porn before we married and thought it funny. I guess I think its ok for single people or married's when someone is away or sick. I was out taking our beautiful son to karate lessons and thought I'd come home early in the morning and go to bed with my husband, who I loved and did everything for. He was in teh bedroom and wouldn't let me in. He had a gown on and came out to talk to me ousie. I think I forced my way in but thast time but maybe I did't. I later saw some porn magazines in the room. I wasn't sure if it may have been a woman he was with. Later when I confronted him Ihe said if he knew how much it hurt me he would stay away from it. LAter he started verbally and physically abusing me and refused to sleep with me or give me any money. I found porn magazines and videos under the house which he had locked and to which I didn't have access. I lost my husband to porn and other sexual fantasies which definitley were acted on later if not sooner. WE are now divorced and I am trying to stop my son having any of his father's disgusting values, for the sake of all women and a few good men. Thank you Jesus.
TammyDail TammyDail 4 years
I don't know who wrote this advice article for wives, but they should get out of the advice-giving business - For the women who suggest indulging in porn along with their husbands are separating themselves from God even more - viewing porn is degrading to all women and havs nothing to do with fantasy - that is a typical male answer - ladies, don't get stuck in that 'save your marriage' rut - if you have children to raise, you must set Godly standards or the world will raise your children, not you - i know divorce is a costly process, but ask yourself if you want life with an addict - there are so many nice, decent men out there - don't settle for your porn addict, saving this guy is the real fantasy :(
LorindaDods LorindaDods 4 years
It's obvious that there are mixed ideas on what porn is and what it isn't. I hate porn. I hate all that it involves and I hate the lines of thought that say "it's just fantasy; get your own porn going; join him...". Porn is addictive, it is degrading to women AND children, and it is progressive. Studies show that the problem just continues to grow and that eventually it is not enough just to watch, you want to do. There is more research to prove this point than there is to prove that it's "normal" or "healthy". Convicted rapists, child molesters and many murderers reveal addictions to porn. My husband has been addicted to porn. Took him YEARS to get over it, but not before it caused great damage. His fantasies went from being "mild and safe (ha)" to very abusive, vile and vulgar. Do not be deceived. There is nothing safe about porn at all. And here's some food for thought...those who enjoy child porn....they say the SAME THINGS..."it's fine, it's just a way of showing love...there's nothing wrong with it...". When we embrace or allow one thing, we open the door a little bit wider to something even worse.
caroleabbey caroleabbey 4 years
you can go to gomcgruff.com and block the sites. And if you do the paid service you can see everything, get passwords, see who he's chatting with, etc. Best investment I ever made. $30 every 3 months isn't bad
CindiLarson34966 CindiLarson34966 4 years
divorce his sorry ass.. he's probably cheating on you at the same time too.. Found out the hard way and was taken to the cleaners
gisellemacedo gisellemacedo 4 years
I really liked this article. I know that trere are many moms that are trying to deal with this all over.
ErinDeRoche ErinDeRoche 4 years
MY ex used to have exhorbitant amounts of porn on the computer, it never bothered me until he started cheating. After his first affair I asked him to stop... He did for a bit... It bothered me most because he was watching lesbians and asians... I am neither of those. I truly felt betrayed especially since I was more than open to watching it with him so that we could both benefit. Long story short, he continue to hide mass amounts of porn on his computer and he also continued to cheat. We are now divorced and he moved the woman he was dating for the last year of our marriage into our home.... It's a problem. Even when I thought he had quite, he was still doing it. He just got smarter about hiding it.
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