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Why I'm Not Having Sex

Why I'm Not Having Sex

Why I'm Not Having Sex

I should clarify from the beginning here, I’m not married. I am divorced and single and consequently not having sex. As in not getting my groove back. Many of you married moms out there probably aren't having sex either, darn shame for the both of us isn't it?  

I’m what you could call a full-time single mom.  There are no alternate weekends for me.  I wouldn’t have it any other way actually.  When my kids do leave for an occasional overnight at their grandparents I find myself melting into my couch pining away, counting down the hours until they get home.  But wait, shouldn’t I be out whooping it up, getting my single on?  Perhaps finding a man?  At the club? Sorry, truth be told, I’m too tired. So maybe that’s the biggest reason I’m not having sex these days. 

A lesson I’ve learned well, and one I preach to other single mothers, or any mother for that matter is to take some time away from your sweet offspring and settle into your own skin again without interruption, you know the, “mom, mom, mom, mom” kind of interruption. When we lose touch with ourselves we become a slave to whatever everyone else wants and needs from us in our lives; when the core is empty, there is nothing to give.  So yes, I do carve out time for myself every now and then. It is necessary for sanity, like coffee. Besides, it gives you time to miss them; and appreciate them more.

Single moms get a bad rap when it comes to sex.  Seems there are glaring generalities floating around that we need to live it up, or are easy or desperate, or are needy or have low self-esteem.  I do hate to say, there are a few single mothers that do fit the categories mentioned above, but I’m not one of them. Well I must be no fun, boo.

 

Prudey McPruderson?

I’m not Prudey McPruderson, I miss sex…a lot. But I’m not jumping in the sack with just anyone. Some religious reasons of course, but I won’t preach those to you today, I have other reasons too. Yes, shocking, I know. I happen to have just a little more respect for myself than a one night stand. Some call it fun, but it’s not for me. I have little patience for the awkwardness of the morning after. If I just tell him to leave it makes me an ice princess and I’m not one for beating around the bush. Guess I’d just rather not deal with it then wonder if you’re going to call.  Besides I’ve learned a bit about relationships in my thirty plus, and I don’t think a relationship that starts in the bedroom will provide the lasting foundation I’m looking for. Satisfaction maybe, but that is fleeting.

As I mentioned before, I’m a full time Mama; but aren't we all. I’d fall in the protective to over-protective category. Takes me months to introduce someone I’m dating to my kids. Having a sleepover while my kids are in the next room doesn’t fly with me either.  I don’t need a revolving door of men in and out of my house, or even one.  My kids need stability; I’m going to provide that. I’m not having sex, because my kids come first.  What they see, what they hear, who they spend time with; it’s not all about me.

 

I’m Too Good For You

Lastly, I’m too good for you. I did just say that, and meant it. It is going to take a man of courage to share my life, or my bed.  I need to know that he meets all of the other “qualifications” before we throw our pants to the wind.  I need someone who will take care of my heart, stimulate my mind before he stimulates anything else.  Heartbreak and divorce was devastating the first time around. A little discretion now on my part I think will yield the best results.

It is the age of the independent woman, who can have her cake and eat it too. And I think I am independent and do have it all. I am happy and content, single and cherishing each moment with my children. I am living my life instead of waiting to live it until Mr. Right-Now comes along. Someday down the road, the right person — a worthy person — will come along, and then it will be worth the wait.

Image Source: Photo Source

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

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NancyP95942 NancyP95942 4 years
WOW!!! I'm sorry to hear. I too am a single mom of 2 (hardly any 'me time). However, how sad is this that I'm seeing so many single moms have given up. First, who says you have to go to a bar & jump in bed with them?? Wouldn't you love to be treated like a special lady again? You know, be courted, taken to a nice restaurant without having to have sex necessarily? Isn't the thought of a great man holding your hand or sharing a smile & a hug appealing to you? The other intimacy can come later. Or if you're not into the 'man' scene I get it. Call a girlfriend & go out for a casual affordable dinner or have a friend over. Us moms need our own 'playdates'. We need to have adult time, laugh & recharge. It makes us better moms. You should be looking forward to a new life. This is too sad. C'mon you can do it! I'm sure your ex moved on. They have no problems doing that. Why not you?
AshlinnCerff AshlinnCerff 4 years
Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself. As a divorcee & single mom myself, I keep getting asked when I am going to start dating. I think I need to make a few copies of this article and give it to those who ask that question again.
JenniferLynn93557 JenniferLynn93557 4 years
Brava! You articulated this very well. This extremely simular to my scenerio ten years ago. After a few years I did develop a relationship with an extremely patient and compassionate man who supported and respected my decisions. After eight years he grew into our family and we married. I feel he has blessed not only me but my teenage daughters by showing us love a respect. Sexuality is so much more than a physical act.
Amyirene74 Amyirene74 4 years
If I was single I would not being having sex either. I also have religious reasons but I agree as a single mom it would be hard to find the time to date and have sex.
AndreaLam32601 AndreaLam32601 4 years
I'm in total agreement with you. For the part of not having a revloving door on men in my home. But in my case, I'm a single mom by choice. I wanted to have child by 35. So when the time came & still haven't found Mr Right. I set myself onto a new road. I've stop dating & just focus on my life & child. I haven't date or had sex coming up 10 hrs now. I been fine with it up to now. Lately I do feel like having a companion. Guess since my child gotten older & don't need me as much. Now dating seems so foreign to me & of cause I'm lot older now. What I'm trying to say is don't let it go on for too long. Cuz not easy to get back in either. All power to us women who are truelly independent, but it can have a downside to it as well. Enjoy your children they do grow up fast. Mine is fastly approaching 9 now, :-((
AmberGrooms56335 AmberGrooms56335 4 years
I was once in your shoes at a single full-time mom of 3. After being in an abusive relationship, I was and am overprotective and have no problem admiting that. Its important to take time for yourself when you are a single parent, but there are many ways to take time for yourself and recharge your battery. When I had rare moments to myself, I loved to take a candle light bubble bath, then lounge in my cozy pj's and read a good book. This was more fulfilling to me than going out for a night on the town and trying to get someone else to validate my feelings of worth. A woman does NOT need a man to be a complete or worthwhile woman. I was patient and my Mr. Right eventually came along. He respected my boundaries and even went above and beyond to help my 3 abused children feel the stability they so desperatly needed. He even suggested getting married and not living together for a while so that having a step-dad was a seperate adjustment from moving. I love my husband and the intimacy we share, but those moments are so much sweeter because they were built on sacrifice and not immediate fulfillment.
VeliswaMambi VeliswaMambi 4 years
Wow - I envy your all around resolve. You are what I would like to be but I falter in other areas. That man that will fnd you one day will be a damn lucky one. Enjoy living your single sexless life.
JenniferWilliams74378 JenniferWilliams74378 4 years
Well, I am married. My husband is sexy as hell, but I am just not interested in being sexual with him. I love the intimacy of cuddling up next to him and kisses here and there, but I'm just too tired to be want to be physical. I work a full time, demanding job in which my hours fluctuate from days to evenings. I have elderly parents that needs more of my time as time goes on. I have a wonderful, smart-ass 4 year old daughter that has more energy than 2 boys put together. Almost every minute of everyday I am doing SOMETHING and usually for everyone else. The only time I'm able to make for myself is getting my hair and nails done, but even that's not the most relaxing. I think for most of us women, it's a mental thing. It's harder for us to physically aroused when so much else is extracting your energy. So even though there is a man in my life, I'd still be okay if I didn't have to have sex. I only do it as another duty to perform, because hey, if I don't do it, I'm sure there will be someone willing to satisfy those cravings for him.
marieholloway40821 marieholloway40821 4 years
Great article
MimiBurns MimiBurns 4 years
For any human being looking for intimacy (not really having to do with sex, but rather a true spirit connection) I would recommend the practices of tantra (and not the 'get your freak on' kind). These folks are great friends of mine, she is a clinical psychologist and they've had a television show for quite a while. The name of the website is tantranova. It is teaching people the sacred art form (with your clothes on) of how to breathe, which we ALL could use a little more of. True connectedness with ones own-self or anyone else is a great tool to have in the handbag of life. Blessings!
AnnikaSpeckhart AnnikaSpeckhart 4 years
Great honesty poring through here, and I have today that sex is not as important to me either, and while my husband is pretty much impotent, it does not matter anyways. I could try to talk to him about taking viagra, but he does not seem to want to go there on that subject, so I choose not to. Toys are a great idea, and I can understand both sides to this.
AprilBeck84980 AprilBeck84980 4 years
My father learned not to lament too much about personal stuff at work when he was talking about my impending divorce in 2008. His co-workers asked for my number. He went into protective father mode. I didn't even go out in fear that when guys found out I was divorced they would think I was ready to go. I finally decided in May 2009 that I wanted to think about dating, even hitting a bar over Memorial Day weekend since my kids would be visiting their father. I didn't go because I met my husband that month. i didn't want to give any guy a chance when I had a second chance with my high school crush. This May we will celebrate one year and things are very good and improving. Still working on a baby however.
yannzlzainal yannzlzainal 4 years
Hye, no doubt, sex isnt a priority to those who have been married for certain years. commitment with kids (age 8 & 11) are such a tiring job. am working too but i've no sex feeling towards my hubby (married for almost 12 yrs) since 3 yrs ago. honestly, his attitude & responsibility to our family changed our respect and am not sure how long i can stay with it. i do have the desire but a moment looking at him, turns it down. sometimes it's good to be alone but we do need a true companion.
GinaWilder59437 GinaWilder59437 4 years
Wow. I have to say I kind of feel sorry for you, and for a lot of people who have commented. While I understand how sex can get lost when you're dealing with small children, jobs, and life in general, one of the most beautiful things about a relationship is reconnecting with your love through physical contact. Even if it's just kissing, holding, caressing, etc. It really makes me sad to see so many women finding this not enjoyable or necessary. I was married for 22 years, and have now been divorced for almost three. It wasn't easy to date, but I am glad that I did because not only did it remind me that I am a desirable woman who has a lot to offer, but it made me appreciate the time I did spend with my children. While I would not recommend moving a man into your home 6 months after a divorce, I really see nothing wrong with going to the movies or bowling with the opposite sex. This doesn't mean you jump into bed with everyone of them, but if the chemistry is there and you feel like it, go for it! As long as you're safe, I see no harm. That said, I cannot imagine living without sex. It's one of the things that, to me, makes us fulfilled as people. Raising kids is wonderful, rewarding, and life affirming, but these words can also apply to sex with a person you respect and care for. While I respect that this might be the right decision for you, I hope that single moms do not feel as though they are somehow less because they do not share your lack of desire. They also do not love or are less devoted to their children just because they want and need adult relationships in their lives. Good luck and happiness to all! :)
CL86218 CL86218 4 years
Yes, I'm married, but I haven't had sex in probably more than a year now. I really don't feel like it, my husband is just a jerk and everything is about him he is not there for me emotionally at all but then thinks it OK, after a week of no meaningful conversations or emotional connections to ask for sex. Everyone needs something from me all the time and sex just feels like one more thing someone is asking me for. In my job, when I'm home, etc, everyone wants a piece of me and I just tire of it quick. I appreciate what you have written here too, I do believe it is important for us take time for ourselves.
Sandraa86566 Sandraa86566 4 years
I'm fine with no sex My husband and I both are I have never had a high sex drive he did but through the years it's diminished which is good for me we don't need it in our relationship now
CoMMember13613659388327 CoMMember13613659388327 4 years
I cant agree with you more. been a single mother for 4 years now anc I am enjoying my life too much with my daughter. I am not open to any man who comes around but has to meet certain qualities I have paryed about. Good going
karenpugh karenpugh 4 years
the only reason im not having sex is im downstairs with a headache and my husband is upstairs asleep saying that i was a single mom for six years waiting for my husband and i didn't have sex for six years my daughter came first always i just was not interested in any man that did not meet my standards when i found him i married him i don't regret waiting for him not one bit
CTeague CTeague 4 years
Good for you! What a great job of modeling priorities to your kids. If nothing else, than just waiting - delayed gratification. And it messes with kids' heads to have the revolving door thing, as well as messes with their self respect and trust. If you model that YOU'RE worth it, then they should pick up on the idea that THEY'RE worth it!
GayleBambrick GayleBambrick 4 years
Wow... all I have been thinking and more!! Thanks.
EmilyGiuffre EmilyGiuffre 4 years
I am so proud of you! Kudos to sticking to your guns! And I like how you told it too. Not preachy but matter of fact "I'm too good for you." :-) You got swagger girl! :-) You're a winner and a winner will fight for you.
Devchenka Devchenka 4 years
Im married, with 3 little kids and i completely respect and understand what you mean. I admire you not jumping into relationship right away and concentrating on your kids first. This really stood up to me: " When we lose touch with ourselves we become a slave to whatever everyone else wants and needs from us in our lives;" I always put everyone first and sometimes don't think twice about it. I do need me time once in a while or loose it.
dhanny557 dhanny557 4 years
I highly respect your view since here in Indonesia, the general consensus are to avoid sex outside marriage (religion, social impact, financial, etc). You seems like a very good mother, loving your children and always puts them first. But, I do think you need to have someone or something else other than your kids that could also be a priority. A lot of single mother working so hard and live their life for the the well-being of their children, and forgot that their children will grow and will not always need you protection and care. Someday they will grow independent and have their own life, a life that even you probably couldn't enter. You need yourself to prepare for that time, so you can still be 'productive' when its time for you to step out of the frame. But nevertheless, you look like you are a strong woman and a hard-worker, and a great Mom it is!
ElizabethMcBride12475 ElizabethMcBride12475 4 years
I was 42 when divorced, my children were 10, 8, and 4 y.o. at the time. I went from being a SAHM to a working, single Mom. It was very hard and I made the decision not to date or have a sexual relationship because I didn't know when I'd have time. My children are now all grown, I have 5 grandkids, and I've just retired. I've learned I'm OK alone. I can't imagine at this point sharing my life with another. I love my life. I miss the sex but sex isn't the end all and be all.
carolynproulxwootton carolynproulxwootton 4 years
Well said! You are too good for anything like Mr. Right Now and I applaud your ability to see you are too good for most. I hope other moms are inspired by you. We owe it to our children to be the best we can be. As a teacher I see way too many children hurt by decisions to blend families quickly without working out the details and recognizing their stability and need for connection and attachment as essential.
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