wow i had no idea thats what people went through... seemingly out of nowhere. i mean i was stressed, hormonal and b*tchy, but not upset about my life or blaming baby. i'm about to have number 2 so crossing fingers that nothing weird happens this time

I could not imagine feeling that way. I thankfully never had any postpartum issues.

I can't imagine dealing with postpartum depression. There must be so many mixed emotions involved. I truly feel for those moms going through that. It sounds like a very hard battle.
I was definitely hormonal, and cried at every little thing for a few weeks, but I didn't deal with severe postpartum depression. The worst part, besides the hormones, was dealing with the c-section recovery.

It physically hurts. You ache because you know some where in the back of your mind, that your supposed to hold this new little life,protect this precious baby, nurture it and love it when all you really want to do is jump off the nearest tall building. I would have these thoughts, ones where I would dream about emptying a can of gas on the living room floor and having one last cigarette, and think "okay that's not right" but it's hard to see that when your just so scared and sad of every thing and tired, they forget to mention how tired you will be, there would be day's were I wouldn't get out of bed because I physically couldn't and mentally didn't think I needed to. But with help from family and friends (and my doctor) I got help, and now I have a wonderful relationship with my 2 year old daughter and am pregnant with my second child. Am I scared that the depression will return? Dang right I am, but I know the signs and can get help quicker.

Like Brooke, I too am going through the evils of postpartum depression only mine has been going on since I was pregnant. I already have manic depression that I control daily with psychotherapy, massage and exercise. I don't like taking meds to help me with my condition because I don't like the side effects. But while I was pregnant with my 2nd child that we planned on I begin to feel guilty and resentment. I would wish that this pregnancy would just "go away" I would also think about how I could leave for a week give birth and give away this baby. My husband was shocked when I told him these things. I did not create a bond with this child while pregnant so I was hoping to find out the sex to help but we weren't able to, really hoping for a boy, I was afraid that having a girl would put her in harm and I would never love her. When I finally did give birth to a girl I was unbelievably in love with her, but that lasted less than a week. Today she is almost 3 months and though I still love both my daughters, I still resent my 2nd for making my life harder. I hate myself for feeling this way and sometimes acting like such a monster. I am on antidepressants for now and still getting therapy. I have made somewhat of a small bond with my baby but feel that at the same time severing some of the ones with my oldest daughter and husband.

Oh how Brooke's post resonated with me.

My darkest moment was the day I planned my suicide. I had it all worked out and a list of the type of woman I wanted DH to find to make a better wife and mother for my son. Something was so so wrong with me and I understand EVERY word in Brooke's post above. It was hell and I felt trapped in my own dark thoughts....the pain was awful.

I hope with her speaking out and others, too, that we can start to live in a world that understands and respects how AWFUL PPD is. I didn't understand before and now I know...it gripped me for 18 months. EIGHTEEN months of my son's life (he's only 2!!) I spent in agony despite treatment and drugs. His childhood is marked by a mother who wanted nothing to do with him and wanted nothing more than to die by any means possible. I'm so sorry I can never give him that time back!

How awful! Mme... it's brave of you to share your story. Did you receive treatment early on? 18 months is a long time to feel so terrible.

I worry that this will happen to me...I've gone through dark times in my life and I worry about what will happen after childbirth.

Thank you. I didn't receive treatment right away cuz everyone is so dismissive "all mum's have the blues" or "anxiety is normal" and in France, PPD is not talked about. So, I put it off for too long and when I finally got help, I was so deep in my depression it took ages and lots of work to crawl out. I swear, it was more challenging that running a marathon (and this is something I know as well). It was a massive struggle.

My only advice, is the first moment you think something isn't right, get help. You don't have to tell other people, but share with your partner and your doctor. It will feel really good to have people in your corner fighting with you.

On a positive note, my son and I are SUPER close....he's my "coeur" (heart in French) and he's become a real mummy's boy (not wimpy, just loves to cuddle up with me and will offer me kisses during the day).

It gets better...but it's not easy.