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You Asked: My Boyfriend's Friend Won't Leave Me Alone

DearSugar — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has a good friend who is a very nice guy, but when he drinks, he gets very touchy feely and kind of creepy. Lately he seems to be directing more of his bad behavior towards me, which is making me very uncomfortable. One night my boyfriend, his friend, and I were at a club and I was standing off to the side. My boyfriend was still on the dance floor when his friend came up to me and put his hand just under my breasts and made a gross comment about how lucky my boyfriend is to have me. I told my boyfriend, but he brushed it off, blaming the alcohol.

But the next time we were around his friend, he started acting inappropriate towards me again. This time my boyfriend took note. He asked his friend about what happened at the club, and he claimed he didn't remember it. But the final straw came the next time we were out and he had been drinking. This time he came up to apologize for how he acted, but all he did was try to grope me again. I got away from him as quickly as possible, but now my boyfriend and I are trying to figure out how to deal with this.

We know that he is completely harmless and would never do anything, but at the same time his behavior freaks me out. Normally I would tell him off, but he's my boyfriend's very good friend, and is also friends with the rest of the group. It's just a very awkward situation that I don't want to make worse. We don't want to completely offend or embarrass him, so we're looking for some advice on how to handle this situation delicately.

- Violated Viv

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Violated Viv,

This guy is consistently violating you and making you feel uncomfortable, and you're worried about his feelings! The fact is if he were completely harmless, you wouldn't feel uncomfortable around him. Your boyfriend needs to step up to that plate on this one. He needs to tell his so-called friend, in no uncertain terms, that he is never allowed to touch you in any way, and if that means he can't hang out with you guys anymore, then so be it. And if he ever tries to grope you again, you're well within your rights to tell him off straight to his face.

It sounds to me like this guy is used to getting away with whatever he wants when he's drunk because his friends aren't willing to stand up to him, and that's just not OK. Friendships are about mutual respect, and if this guy doesn't even respect his close friend enough to stay away from his girlfriend then I don't think he's the "good guy" you and your boyfriend think he is. In fact, a little embarrassment might do him some serious good. You should never have to put up with an uncomfortable or inappropriate situation to keep the peace, so don't let anyone, boyfriend, or otherwise, convince you to.

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Is Inexperienced

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. He had never been with a girl before me, and as a result of his lack of experience, he's never given me an orgasm. Since he's inexperienced, I don't think he realizes just how much effort it takes to help a woman climax. After a year of never saying anything, I think he assumes it's OK with me. Unfortunately, it really does matter to me.

Lately I'm feeling resentful that he orgasms every time we're together and I never have. He only spends a few minutes on me and doesn't realize how unsatisfied that leaves me. I don't want to bring it up because I feel like it's too much to ask from him to spend twice as long making me feel good (even though I do it for him all the time). I guess I want him to want me to orgasm, not just because I asked for it. Otherwise I feel like I'm making an unreasonable demand.

At the same time, I know that I'm being childish and immature by remaining silent about what's really bothering me and then blaming him for not doing anything about it. So how do I talk to him about this without hurting him, and how do I get over my own issues with asking?

- Sexual Dissatisfied Diana

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sexually Dissatisfied Diana,

As much as we may want a significant other to want something without us having to ask for it, in the end, you're only going to be left unsatisfied and resentful, as you well know. Diana, you need to decide if you want to be sexually fulfilled or not, and if you do, it's time to speak up. I would bet that your boyfriend has absolutely no idea that he's not meeting your needs and once he's able to, the thrill alone of making you feel that good will have him raring to try it again!

So don't feel bad by asking him to try something different or do something new - this is something that you need and it's something your relationship is suffering without. Tell him gently that while you feel great with what he's been doing, you really want to be able to climax. Ask if you can show him what you like or use your own hand to guide him. This is going to take time, but in the end, your efforts will be well worth it. Otherwise, your silence and dissatisfaction will permanently damage your relationship.

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Handle This: He's More Interested in Porn

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

In the past few months your sex life has all but dried up. You’re always trying to initiate things, and you’ve even gone so far as to buy sexy new lingerie, but nothing seems to get your boyfriend interested. When you ask him about it, he says he’s sleep deprived and stressed out.

One night you wake up and realize he’s no longer in bed. Following sounds coming from the living room, you peek in to find him masturbating to porn on his computer, when you haven't had sex in a month! How would you handle this?

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Sunday Confessional: I Lied to My Boyfriend to Protect My Friend

DearSugar — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Three years ago I met my boyfriend through my best friend's boyfriend, and the four of us have been a great group. But recently, they've been having some problems, so she and I have been logging in some girl time. A few weeks ago we went out for drinks and met some guys. They did their best to hit on us, and I politely shooed them away, but not before my friend started flirting with one. She had been drinking so I dragged her home and didn't think much of it.

Last weekend we went out again and I was shocked when she told me that the guy she had been flirting with was coming to meet us. I was angry, and told her I resented her for putting me in that position. I stormed out of the bar, but decided I'd wait a few minutes outside to see if she followed. When she didn't, I went back in to tell her I was leaving, only to find her making out with him. I pleaded with her to come with me, but she wouldn't listen so left alone.

The next day I talked to her and she claimed that she realized she had made a mistake, but needed time to sort things out before telling her boyfriend. But apparently the guys talked about how we got home at different times that night because my boyfriend confronted me, asking what happened. I knew that if I told him the truth he would feel obligated to tell his friend, so I told him that we got in a fight and she ended up hanging out with another girl friend of ours. It took some convincing, but he believed me. Now I feel completely awful. Even if it was to help my friend, I've never lied directly to my boyfriend before. If it all comes out, I know he'll be hurt. Do you think this is something I can be forgiven for?

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You Asked: How Long Should I Wait for Him?

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I wasn't looking for love, but it found me, and I've now been dating my boyfriend for five months. We've been so happy and spend every moment together, but out of the blue, he asked me for some time to think - he doesn't even want us to see each other. I asked him if he wanted to break up or see other people, and he said no. He thinks that because of how much we talk and how far we've come in just five months that I am somehow too dependent on him. What does this mean? How much time should I give him before I move on?

- When to Pull the Plug Pauline

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear When to Pull the Plug Pauline,

I wish I could tell you exactly why your boyfriend has suddenly decided to check out of your relationship, but so many things can lead a person to back off from a commitment that it's impossible to narrow it down without hearing it directly from him. Obviously his current explanation that you guys are too attached makes little sense to you, but I think it's likely that that's just a nice way of saying he feels panicky about how serious your relationship has become.

If you really do want to make this relationship work, then for now, go ahead and give him the space he's asking for. But don't be afraid to preface this offer of space by letting him know that you're not going to wait around forever. There's no set time limit for this, but you'll know if it's gone on too long: when it feels like he's abusing that "space" or when you find that your own feelings have diminished. And if you do feel yourself wanting to move on, then go ahead and let go. Breakups are tricky, but you don't owe your boyfriend anything but respect.

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You Asked: What Does He Mean by "Break"?

DearSugar — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five and half years. We've dated since high school and throughout college, but have also had some rough periods. This Summer he got accepted into a four-year pharmacy program in another city. Before he left, he dropped a bomb on me: He wanted to breakup. I was heartbroken but we talked before his move and he told me he always saw his future with me but wasn't sure if his feelings were strong enough presently to do long distance for the next eight months.

We decided to keep things open, but he's created an entirely new life and even though we talk every day, he says he feels single and he likes it. Still, he maintains that he wants to be with me eventually. His proposed solution was that we take a "break" until Christmas, when he will be home next, in hopes that he will realize that he wants to be with me 100 percent. He said that it would mean we would talk less and be able to see other people, which he said he had no intentions of doing.

I agreed on this break hoping that it would bring us together in the end. We decided to write a list of guidelines during this period in order to make the break work. When I mentioned to him one guideline I had - no fooling around with other people (going on dates was acceptable) - he became hesitant. I don't think that messing around with other people will solve our issues. So all this leads me to wonder exactly what he means by "break." Does he want to be single for now but knows that he will have me in the end? My definition of a break was to reassess our relationship and figure out if we want to be together in the future. I don't want to end up getting hurt in the end. Please help!

- Uncertain Ciara

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Uncertain Ciara,

Although your boyfriend claims he has no intention of pursuing a physical relationship or otherwise with anyone during this break, it's clear to me that that's exactly what he has in mind. And even if he doesn't, I'm not sure how taking a break ruled by a set of guidelines rather than communication is going to help you two reevaluate your relationship. It sounds like your boyfriend is fairly certain that he doesn't want to be with you right now, and while he might see you in his future, if he's not willing to commit today or even tomorrow then I don't know how much that's worth.

Your boyfriend needs to understand that he doesn't get to string you along until it's convenient for him, and you're the one that's going to have to show him that via your actions. Don't be afraid to tell him that your not willing to wait around for him while he enjoys his freedom. It's important that he realizes what he's losing. If you've explained all this to him and he's still sure he doesn't want to be with you, then my advice is to take that for what it is and start moving on. Of course, things could work out later, but certainly don't count on it.

Source

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Spent His Birthday With Female Co-Workers

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:00:00 -0700

Just recently my boyfriend had a birthday that fell on a weeknight. We have been financially strained lately, so I offered to cook him dinner or go out for a few drinks. He told me he didn't want me to worry about it because we couldn't really afford to go anywhere, and we could go to dinner or for drinks when the weekend came. His cousin called and offered to take him out for some drinks to which he agreed, and then I got upset. We ended up getting in an argument and he left.

He ended up coming home around 2:30 in the morning and was being extra nice; it was obvious he had been drinking. The next day I found out through a friend that he went out with his brother and met some of his female co-workers at a club. When I got upset - since this was his actual birthday night - he told me that they paid for everything and he didn't want me to spend any money. He also informed me that he didn't ask me to come because I don't know how to act with him when we go to a club. He feels that he can't be himself around me at a nightclub because I am jealous. If your boyfriend went out with female co-workers on his birthday night while you stayed at home, would you break up with him? Or do you think I am overreacting?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: He's Sending Mixed Signals

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me about a month ago. Before the breakup things were great; we were having a wonderful Summer. We talked of being together forever and we were so in love, but he had other things going on in his life. He didn't get into the school he wanted and is now taking a year off to work. It's a hard issue for him; I think he feels like a failure. But when he's home, all he does is play video games and he only works three days a week.

I do love him and he's very important to me, but it seems like he ended things just so he could avoid commitment. He said he doesn't love me the same way anymore but wants to remain friends, although his behavior has shown nothing like that. Recently I decided to stop contact with him, and I noticed that his phone calls started coming in more frequently. When we do see each other, which is rare, he tries to flirt with me. I'm sick of him calling me all the time and acting as if we're together when we're not. I've tried to talk to him and set boundaries, but so far all he's done is try to surpass them. My question is what else can I do to get the point across? How can I help him realize that he needs to be more responsible? How can I communicate these things and ultimately help him find his way?

- Over It Ilea

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Over It Ilea,

I've seen this situation before, and it's most assuredly a frustrating one. Fortunately, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and I'm glad to hear you're not up for allowing this behavior to continue. He does sound lost, and I'm sure his sense of failure in school, and life, is definitely a factor in his fears about continuing a relationship. However, regardless of the reason, you deserve someone who wants to be with you through good and bad. I mean, that's what relationships are really about. He's obviously afraid of losing you, which is why his phone calls picked up when you backed off. But that's the choice he's made, and he's never going to learn the consequences of that until he feels them.

Instead of trying to talk to him, get straight to your point. Be clear that you can no longer play the role of the de facto girlfriend. If he doesn't want to be with you, then he doesn't get to be with you and that's that. While you're at it, go ahead and mention that you think he needs to start taking some initiative in life. Encourage him to apply to schools for next year or start taking classes at a local community college. But once you've made your stance clear, you have to stand by it. Maybe he'll change down the line, and in that case, you guys can start considering a relationship again, but in the meantime, focus on your own future.

Source

You Asked: Should I Wait and See if He Changes His Mind?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Back in July my boyfriend confessed that he lied to me about being a virgin - he had actually been with six girls before me. He was my first and it hurt terribly that someone I loved would lie to my for a year and half. I forgave him because I loved him and he genuinely was sorry; the guilt was eating away at him. In the end, he asked for a break and I was devastated. Apparently he had to work out some issues regarding his family and his job. I asked him specifically what a break meant, and he said he just wanted a month without contact.

I haven't seen him for about three weeks. We've both been incredibly busy, but I'm willing to make time and he's not. I asked to spend a day with him and he finally said OK. He blew me off and I waited around like an idiot. I called and left an angry voicemail and instead of calling me back, he proceeded to email me the next day only to go on about a blow-out fight he had with his parents. I replied back that instead of shutting me out he needs to open up to me. He is miserable and seems depressed. He says that he loves me but everything is too crazy right now for him to be in a relationship.

I just don't know where to go from here. I love him and I want to be together, but he can't seem to make the time for me. I know that what we have isn't a real relationship right now so is it over or should I sit tight and see what happens? I'm an emotional basket case and can't stop thinking about all of it.

- I'm a Basket Case Bryn

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear I'm a Basket Case Bryn,

Finding yourself in relationship limbo is always very confusing and oftentimes overwhelming. It's difficult to focus on anything else in your life if your relationship feels off-balance, but I think you were right to ask how you can be with someone who doesn't make time for you. The answer is you can't - a relationship takes two people. It's clear that your boyfriend is not willing to make something work with you right now and you're right again, you do deserve better.

You can certainly wait around for him in the hopes that he'll change, but if you do, prepare yourself for the likelihood that he may never come back around. Or you can decide to take some time for yourself and figure out why you're so willing to sacrifice your happiness for a person who is emotionally unavailable to you. With the latter you certainly won't be let down, and you might just open yourself up to some amazing possibilities.

Source

Handle This: You Don't See Eye-to-Eye on Abortion

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Now that you’ve started having sex with your new boyfriend, some serious issues have come up including getting tested for STIs and the potential risk of pregnancy. You have no idea what you would do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy; however, you’re adamant that you’ll have a choice when and if the time comes. Your boyfriend on the other hand is vehemently against abortion, and though he acknowledges that it’s not his body that’s affected, he says that it's still part of him. You’re at a standstill so how do you handle this?

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