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Career advice needed - Is being nice a bad thing? It used to be the reason for my success, and now it's keeping me from it?

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 20:07:10 -0800

About 8 years ago, I cocktail waitressed at a nightclub, and made AWESOME money doing so. I was also 19 yrs. old. After 1 1/2yrs. of working there, and having no health benefits, I decided it was time to get a job that offered more.

I got a job working in an office, which also paid well, and had excellent benefits. I started in customer service, then got into sales, and eventually became the office manager. While my job was stressful, I was GOOD at it. And the customers made it all worth the hard work. I fell in love with the customers. Everyone there loved me. I really would go the extra mile for people, and was always honest and sincere. I was at the top of my "career", I guess you could say, mostly due to my customer service skills.

After working at the office for about 7 years, my husband and I ended up having to move due to his job relocation. It was time for me to find a new job. Originally I had wanted to go for the casino host position at the casino, since I figured I LOVED working with people, so this job would be perfect for me. And I know how to handle stress, so that wasn't even a worry. And I am GREAT at dealing with people, even in difficult situations. So many friends and family tell me I just "have a way" with people.

Instead of applying for the casino host position, like I should have, I took a lower paying job at the casino first, but in the same department, to learn the system, figuring in time I could move up to casino host and then that way I'd already know half of my job duties. I thought this was a GOOD idea.

It didn't work. While the customers loved me at the casino, the corporate "big wigs" thought I was "too nice". I stayed in this position for about 9 months. When I first got the job, I told my boss the only reason I was taking this job was so I could learn the system so I could be a better casino host. She KNEW I was there to become a casino host. And she was ok with that, as she also ran all the casino hosts.

It was time for me to go for it. My boss informed me she'd let me shadow an actual casino host. That never happened. We were always too busy. I was doing great at this job, it was a piece of cake...brainless, really. I learned the system quickly. I wanted more though, I wanted a challenge. I wanted to become a host!!! My boss literally informed me that I'm "just too nice, so we need to work at that first, before anything".

It put me in tears that day. I KNOW I could do this job. I could probably even run circles around the others...but for some reason, my kindness kept me from advancing. I was really upset. How could something, like BEING NICE, be a BAD thing?!?! Something that put me at the TOP of the ladder at my old job, was now pulling me down to the bottom at my new job.

I know if I would have just gone for the casino host position in the first place, they wouldn't be able to judge me, and I'd land it just fine. But I made the wrong decision...thinking it was the better thing to do first. To get experience.

Anyhow, I can't change who I am. I AM nice. I love people, I'm honest, sincere, hardworking, and far from fake. And customers appreciate it. SO many of the customers at the casino even filled out comment cards, LITERALLY saying how they should make me the new casino host!!! SO many cards were recieved. My boss even showed me. But it just didn't matter...because, "I'm too nice". I ended up quitting that job...after 9 months. My husband hurt himself and was off work, so I had to take care of him. But now it's time for me to go back to work.

I can't get the phrase "too nice" out of my head though. I used to have SO much confidence in myself, and now I shutter at the idea of going somewhere new, in fear I will again, waste my time and be told "I'm too nice" when it's time to advance.

I have SO many dreams...I KNOW I can do it, deep inside, because I have a passion for working with people, but now I have such low confidence from what my old boss told me. It's terrible.

Please help...I'm seriously thinking of just going back to waitressing...which was my first love. But I'm 28 now. And while I'm not bad shape, I have gained more weight since being off work taking care of my husband, and don't have the "body" like I used to, back in my old cocktailing days. So I don't fit into the "skinny cocktail waitress" group at all the clubs these days...lol. Not that I care, but in that industry, "sex sells". But I don't fit into those tight little clothes anymore...lol.

However, at least waitressing I wouldn't have to deal with the corporate politics and their crappy view of what "good enough" is. I refuse to be anything else but who I am. But is being who I am a bad thing? Nice? Is nice really so bad? I KNOW I can be something special...but it's almost too easy to just go waitress again. Afterall, it's good money, and I get benefits through my husband's job. I'm so lost. Please, any advice, would be great! Sorry so long!

"Pig Wrestling" and Other Things Never to Say on Your Resume

SavvySugar — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:15:42 -0700

Standout resumes are one thing, but narcissistic or just bizarre personal revelations have no place on your application for employment. Just ask some of these employers giving their accounts of the wackiest resumes they ever received on CareerBuilder. The crazy claims made on these resumes will make you wonder what these applicants were thinking - because even if your greatest personal accomplishment is "getting back together with my boyfriend upon his release from prison," shouldn't you just keep that to yourself?

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I'm Asking: Do You Have a Career Mentor?

SavvySugar — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 14:45:41 -0800

Though it's not common practice here at Sugar HQ to assign a career mentor, I know many friends in other fields who have been designated a mentor in the office. One of my closest friends was matched with a colleague shortly after she was hired and has found the relationship a huge help in understanding her role at the company and how she can grow in her position. Her mentor isn't too superior that she feels intimidated, and, in fact, she found the conversations became more social and relaxed, which helped her to get better acquainted with the office when she first signed on.

On the other hand, I've heard horror stories from employees who see little value in their company's mentoring programs. Their criticism stems from bad experiences where mentors contributed little advice, backed out of meetings for lack of time, or were perhaps so superior that they couldn't relate to the co-worker they were mentoring. It seems there's a certain art to getting the mentoring program right, especially if it's being offered or assigned by company policy. There needs to be a certain rapport and comfort level established before you can delve into problems or concerns you may have at the office. So tell me, do you have a career mentor? If so, do you find it a valuable experience?

I'm Asking: Is This Good Advice to Get Ahead?

SavvySugar — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 12:00:00 -0800

If you want to learn to act like the boss, you may want to pick up a copy of Stanley Bing's (aka. Gil Schwartz) new book, How to Relax Without Getting the Axe. Just be fair warned, Bing's tips for getting ahead are much more playing the part than they are actual guidelines for working your way up the corporate ladder.

It's a pretty simple, if not all-out lackadaisical strategy, that seeks to simulate some corporate executives' office behaviors. For one, the book suggests that creating the illusion of being unreachable helps to build status - you're too important to be on-call all the time. While I'm definitely an advocate of creating a healthy work-life balance, I'm not sure positioning myself as unavailable would help my cause at work - you'd probably just come off as undependable, and unlikely to be given greater responsibilities if your boss thinks you're out of touch with your team or your company.

Remember, company execs have more flexibility because they run the show, and acting like you do, may not be the best way to get attention - or at least the kind you're hoping for. For the most part, I'm not buying Bing's advice, but tell me, how do you feel about mimicking executive behavior? Is this an innovative career move or a strategy you're unlikely to adopt?

Dakota Fanning Tells Us About Channeling Cherie Currie For The Runaways

PopSugar — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 04:00:00 -0700

Dakota Fanning smiled for fans before joining Kristen Stewart yesterday at the NYC press junket for their film The Runaways. While Kristen was content to talk about new friends and Joan Jett's racy words of wisdom on guitar playing, Dakota was more interested in sharing about her career and how she prepped for the role of Cherie Currie. Between playing with her many gold bracelets and laughing with Kristen, Dakota said:

On her friendship with Kristen: "I didn’t know that it would be so hard to talk about when your friend is right here! I can’t do it, I don’t know why!"
On overcoming insecurities: "I think we all have our insecurities. I mean, for Cherie onstage, she’s a completely different person than she was offstage. And still to this day, she’s kept that vulnerability and that innocence. I don’t really know exactly what her insecurities are, but I think we all have them and that’s something you have to figure out for yourself. I don’t know if I have any advice, though, that will help anyone with their insecurities because I have some of my own."
On her career goals: I just want to keep doing what I love to do. I don’t know that I have anywhere specifically where I want to take my career. It’s just what I love. It’s the only thing I know how to do - it’s the only thing that I feel like I’m okay at. I just want to keep going. I hope that people continue to want me to be in their movies and to bring stories like this to life. "

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To read what Dakota says about heading into the studio to record The Runaways music, channeling Cherie, and how she thinks her younger fans will take to the role, just read more.

On being nervous about going into the studio to record the music: “I was definitely nervous but I didn’t think that any other way would be acceptable. I thought the only way to go was to record songs, if I was able to and if I had the voice to do it. I was really excited about getting to do that, but very nervous at the same time. It was just kind of - thrown in a record studio and that was it, that’s what you hear in the movie and what’s on the soundtrack. I don’t’ think I really realized that until I was there, and suddenly it was over, and I thought we would re-record them a bunch of times, but nope! That was it. Which was probably good, because that’s actually how they recorded them. They were just thrown in there and only did it a couple of times."
On how she got into the character of Cherie: "I don’t know if there was anything specific that I was thinking. I think when you love something so much, and you love the character - Cherie has become my friend and has inspired me so much in my own life - you want to be the best that you can for them. Because a lot of people don’t know who Cherie is, and this is going to be maybe their only way of knowing her story. It is a lot of pressure, I guess, but it was good pressure. It was exciting and a challenge. I just think when you know a character so well, you just know what to do."
On if her young fans will get this role: “The younger audiences, their only way of knowing The Runaways will be through this film. And maybe that will lead them to go back and listen to the music or watch the Live in Japan videos. I mean, I didn’t know who The Runaways were when I first read the script. I didn’t know who Cherie Currie was and what her story was - people obviously know Joan Jett, but they don’t know Cherie.”

You Asked: My Friend Is Too Competitive

DearSugar — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My best friend and I are both actresses, and although I love and value her friendship, she's been getting really competitive with me. I want to be able to share all of the exciting stuff happening in my career, but when I do she digs for more information. At one point she even showed up at an audition I was going to claiming she had been invited, too!

I want to help her and I offer her career advice and support, but I'm not getting the same in return. I want her to do well, but at the same time I need to focus on myself, especially since I see her benefiting from my advice a little too much. How can we still maintain a close relationship when there is always this competitiveness whenever career is brought up?

- Career Comes First Catherine

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Career Comes First Catherine,

First of all, any friend that consistently uses you and appreciates your friendship only for what it can offer as a benefit to her career is no friend in my book. Furthermore, while you say your girlfriend's competitive nature is putting a strain on your friendship, I can't help but notice that you're not shy about pointing out that your advice is helping her a "little too much." To me, that comment is reflective of a someone who is competitive in her own right, which makes me assume that this competition between friends is more than the one-sided issue you make it out to me.

You and your friend need to decide if your friendship is more important than your careers, because right now that doesn't appear to be the case. If it's not, then why bother with it at all? A friendship is only as good as the people creating it, so if you want to make it work, you need to communicate with each other. Keep in mind that if you do maintain your friendship, you'll have to be supportive even when things are going better for her than you and vice versa.

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You Asked: His Pressure Is Going to Tear Us Apart

DearSugar — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months now but we've know each other for two years. We are very much in love, and have talked about getting married one day. We are both still young, and while I have graduated college and have a stable, well-paying job, he does not. The topic of his career came up today and he asked me to choose a path for him. He says that it's not only him he is thinking of now, it's both of us, so it's only "proper" that I have a say in what he chooses as a career. He even asked me how much money I need him to make each year. Not only that, but he is already thinking about getting married as soon as we can afford it.

He is putting so much pressure on me, not only by asking me to choose a career for him, but also in planning our future so prematurely. I tell him to just take each day as it comes, and to focus on one thing at a time, but he insists that he needs to plan everything now in order to be ready in the future. I love him very much, and I am pretty sure that I would like to spend my life with him, but we have only been dating five months and I'm terrified that the pressure he is putting on us will drive us apart. How can I talk to him without hurting his feelings or our relationship?
- Feeling the Pressure Paulie

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Feeling the Pressure Paulie,

I don't blame you for feeling an enormous amount of pressure by your boyfriend asking you for such advice. It would be one thing if he was asking your opinion about two career paths he was contemplating, but asking you to flat-out choose for him is a little inappropriate, especially with regards to his finances. One of the great things about becoming an adult is figuring out for yourself what it is you want to do with your life. If he only wants to work for a paycheck, there's no doubt in my mind that he'll inevitably be unhappy and unfulfilled.

It's always fun to talk about the future, but over talking it is proving to be too much. I'd be honest with him about the way you're feeling in this relationship - sure, he might feel a little stung, but being straight forward with him is the right move. Let him know that you'd be more than happy to be his sounding board and support system, but the career path he chooses needs to be his decision. Hopefully, once you let him know how much stress you're feeling, he'll be able to back off a bit so you can move forward with your relationship and do just as you suggested - take each day as it comes.

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John Galliano Heads up Fashion Fringe

FabSugarUK — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 03:23:38 -0700

London just got another boost as a fashion capital as John Galliano has been enlisted as the new Fashion Fringe chairman. The eccentric designer has an impressive 26 year long career and is taking on his next challenge as a mentor, replacing previous chairman Donatella Versace.

What's more, his arrival is shaking up proceedings as he will be the sole judge of talent at the London Fashion Week competition. He told The Sunday Times, “I am hoping we find a rebel genius. I will look for someone who reminds me of me when I was starting out - someone original, unique, who has their own style and handwriting and isn’t afraid to try something new.”

I think this is great news for any budding designers as the head of Dior has certainly proved his worth to the fashion industry. He is already offering advice saying, “If you want easy, don’t pick fashion. Life is full of challenges, and it is how you deal with them and use them to help you grow that sets you apart. I am proof that you can break the rules, you can push fashion to the extreme, lose backers and still bounce back. If you have the determination and drive, plus talent and luck, then anything is possible if you want it enough.”

If you think you've got what it takes to win Fashion Fringe 2010, then you can apply here. The competition has previously helped launched the careers of Basso and Brooke, Eun Jeong, William Tempest and Aminaka Wilmont.

You Asked: My Husband Wants Me to Be a Stay-at-Home Wife!

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just got married to the man of my dreams (YAY!!), but now that the wedding high has worn off, settling into married life has been different than I expected. Both my husband and I are very career oriented but all of a sudden, now that I have a ring on my finger, he wants me to be a stay-at-home wife, just like his mother! We talked about our future before getting married and we were on the same page, but my husband has done a complete 180 and I don't know what to do. He says that he makes enough money to support the both of us, but I don't want to quit my job! He expects me to stay home to "run the house," but I'm not ready to be a housewife! While I don't want to knock those women that love being a stay-at-home wife/mom, it's just not what I want for myself quite yet. Do you have any advice for me? - Career Woman Wendy

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Career Woman Wendy,

Agreeing on how your lives would change after getting married really should have been discussed before saying I do, but since your husband clearly had a change of heart, a serious talk is in order. Explain to him that you had every intention of keeping things status quo, including your career. For some women, working is what keeps them motivated and empowered so while your husband's offer is very generous, you're bound to resent him if you feel held back.

I think it's natural for him to try and replicate his parents relationship, but times have changed. Being a housewife is no longer a woman's automatic role; it's now a decision. Hopefully a good talk about your future will help bring you two back to the same page, but Wendy, even if you can't come to a complete agreement, you need to do what's best for you because if you aren't happy, your relationship is bound to suffer. Good luck and congratulations!

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I'm Asking: Did Your College Major Dictate Your Career Path?

SavvySugar — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 06:00:46 -0700

I recently joined fellow alumni and current students for a career and networking reception thrown by my alma mater. It's hard to believe so much time has passed between my college days and now - I certainly don't feel that much older. Still, I found myself on the answer end of the question-and-answer session between soon-to-be college graduates and alumni giving career advice.

The problem was that I don't have a real "this is how I got here" story. I suppose my career is the result of hard work, sheer luck, and an unusual career path combination of writing and banking. Still, I had to pursue a couple of different careers before I found a good fit, and here I am! How about you - how did your education shape your career choices?