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Career advice needed - Is being nice a bad thing? It used to be the reason for my success, and now it's keeping me from it?

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 20:07:10 -0800

About 8 years ago, I cocktail waitressed at a nightclub, and made AWESOME money doing so. I was also 19 yrs. old. After 1 1/2yrs. of working there, and having no health benefits, I decided it was time to get a job that offered more.

I got a job working in an office, which also paid well, and had excellent benefits. I started in customer service, then got into sales, and eventually became the office manager. While my job was stressful, I was GOOD at it. And the customers made it all worth the hard work. I fell in love with the customers. Everyone there loved me. I really would go the extra mile for people, and was always honest and sincere. I was at the top of my "career", I guess you could say, mostly due to my customer service skills.

After working at the office for about 7 years, my husband and I ended up having to move due to his job relocation. It was time for me to find a new job. Originally I had wanted to go for the casino host position at the casino, since I figured I LOVED working with people, so this job would be perfect for me. And I know how to handle stress, so that wasn't even a worry. And I am GREAT at dealing with people, even in difficult situations. So many friends and family tell me I just "have a way" with people.

Instead of applying for the casino host position, like I should have, I took a lower paying job at the casino first, but in the same department, to learn the system, figuring in time I could move up to casino host and then that way I'd already know half of my job duties. I thought this was a GOOD idea.

It didn't work. While the customers loved me at the casino, the corporate "big wigs" thought I was "too nice". I stayed in this position for about 9 months. When I first got the job, I told my boss the only reason I was taking this job was so I could learn the system so I could be a better casino host. She KNEW I was there to become a casino host. And she was ok with that, as she also ran all the casino hosts.

It was time for me to go for it. My boss informed me she'd let me shadow an actual casino host. That never happened. We were always too busy. I was doing great at this job, it was a piece of cake...brainless, really. I learned the system quickly. I wanted more though, I wanted a challenge. I wanted to become a host!!! My boss literally informed me that I'm "just too nice, so we need to work at that first, before anything".

It put me in tears that day. I KNOW I could do this job. I could probably even run circles around the others...but for some reason, my kindness kept me from advancing. I was really upset. How could something, like BEING NICE, be a BAD thing?!?! Something that put me at the TOP of the ladder at my old job, was now pulling me down to the bottom at my new job.

I know if I would have just gone for the casino host position in the first place, they wouldn't be able to judge me, and I'd land it just fine. But I made the wrong decision...thinking it was the better thing to do first. To get experience.

Anyhow, I can't change who I am. I AM nice. I love people, I'm honest, sincere, hardworking, and far from fake. And customers appreciate it. SO many of the customers at the casino even filled out comment cards, LITERALLY saying how they should make me the new casino host!!! SO many cards were recieved. My boss even showed me. But it just didn't matter...because, "I'm too nice". I ended up quitting that job...after 9 months. My husband hurt himself and was off work, so I had to take care of him. But now it's time for me to go back to work.

I can't get the phrase "too nice" out of my head though. I used to have SO much confidence in myself, and now I shutter at the idea of going somewhere new, in fear I will again, waste my time and be told "I'm too nice" when it's time to advance.

I have SO many dreams...I KNOW I can do it, deep inside, because I have a passion for working with people, but now I have such low confidence from what my old boss told me. It's terrible.

Please help...I'm seriously thinking of just going back to waitressing...which was my first love. But I'm 28 now. And while I'm not bad shape, I have gained more weight since being off work taking care of my husband, and don't have the "body" like I used to, back in my old cocktailing days. So I don't fit into the "skinny cocktail waitress" group at all the clubs these days...lol. Not that I care, but in that industry, "sex sells". But I don't fit into those tight little clothes anymore...lol.

However, at least waitressing I wouldn't have to deal with the corporate politics and their crappy view of what "good enough" is. I refuse to be anything else but who I am. But is being who I am a bad thing? Nice? Is nice really so bad? I KNOW I can be something special...but it's almost too easy to just go waitress again. Afterall, it's good money, and I get benefits through my husband's job. I'm so lost. Please, any advice, would be great! Sorry so long!

I'm Asking: Is This Good Advice to Get Ahead?

SavvySugar — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 12:00:00 -0800

If you want to learn to act like the boss, you may want to pick up a copy of Stanley Bing's (aka. Gil Schwartz) new book, How to Relax Without Getting the Axe. Just be fair warned, Bing's tips for getting ahead are much more playing the part than they are actual guidelines for working your way up the corporate ladder.

It's a pretty simple, if not all-out lackadaisical strategy, that seeks to simulate some corporate executives' office behaviors. For one, the book suggests that creating the illusion of being unreachable helps to build status - you're too important to be on-call all the time. While I'm definitely an advocate of creating a healthy work-life balance, I'm not sure positioning myself as unavailable would help my cause at work - you'd probably just come off as undependable, and unlikely to be given greater responsibilities if your boss thinks you're out of touch with your team or your company.

Remember, company execs have more flexibility because they run the show, and acting like you do, may not be the best way to get attention - or at least the kind you're hoping for. For the most part, I'm not buying Bing's advice, but tell me, how do you feel about mimicking executive behavior? Is this an innovative career move or a strategy you're unlikely to adopt?

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SavvySugar — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 04:00:52 -0800

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Wed, 31 Dec 1969 16:00:00 -0800

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You Asked: My Friend Is Too Competitive

DearSugar — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My best friend and I are both actresses, and although I love and value her friendship, she's been getting really competitive with me. I want to be able to share all of the exciting stuff happening in my career, but when I do she digs for more information. At one point she even showed up at an audition I was going to claiming she had been invited, too!

I want to help her and I offer her career advice and support, but I'm not getting the same in return. I want her to do well, but at the same time I need to focus on myself, especially since I see her benefiting from my advice a little too much. How can we still maintain a close relationship when there is always this competitiveness whenever career is brought up?

- Career Comes First Catherine

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Career Comes First Catherine,

First of all, any friend that consistently uses you and appreciates your friendship only for what it can offer as a benefit to her career is no friend in my book. Furthermore, while you say your girlfriend's competitive nature is putting a strain on your friendship, I can't help but notice that you're not shy about pointing out that your advice is helping her a "little too much." To me, that comment is reflective of a someone who is competitive in her own right, which makes me assume that this competition between friends is more than the one-sided issue you make it out to me.

You and your friend need to decide if your friendship is more important than your careers, because right now that doesn't appear to be the case. If it's not, then why bother with it at all? A friendship is only as good as the people creating it, so if you want to make it work, you need to communicate with each other. Keep in mind that if you do maintain your friendship, you'll have to be supportive even when things are going better for her than you and vice versa.

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You Asked: His Pressure Is Going to Tear Us Apart

DearSugar — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months now but we've know each other for two years. We are very much in love, and have talked about getting married one day. We are both still young, and while I have graduated college and have a stable, well-paying job, he does not. The topic of his career came up today and he asked me to choose a path for him. He says that it's not only him he is thinking of now, it's both of us, so it's only "proper" that I have a say in what he chooses as a career. He even asked me how much money I need him to make each year. Not only that, but he is already thinking about getting married as soon as we can afford it.

He is putting so much pressure on me, not only by asking me to choose a career for him, but also in planning our future so prematurely. I tell him to just take each day as it comes, and to focus on one thing at a time, but he insists that he needs to plan everything now in order to be ready in the future. I love him very much, and I am pretty sure that I would like to spend my life with him, but we have only been dating five months and I'm terrified that the pressure he is putting on us will drive us apart. How can I talk to him without hurting his feelings or our relationship?
- Feeling the Pressure Paulie

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Feeling the Pressure Paulie,

I don't blame you for feeling an enormous amount of pressure by your boyfriend asking you for such advice. It would be one thing if he was asking your opinion about two career paths he was contemplating, but asking you to flat-out choose for him is a little inappropriate, especially with regards to his finances. One of the great things about becoming an adult is figuring out for yourself what it is you want to do with your life. If he only wants to work for a paycheck, there's no doubt in my mind that he'll inevitably be unhappy and unfulfilled.

It's always fun to talk about the future, but over talking it is proving to be too much. I'd be honest with him about the way you're feeling in this relationship - sure, he might feel a little stung, but being straight forward with him is the right move. Let him know that you'd be more than happy to be his sounding board and support system, but the career path he chooses needs to be his decision. Hopefully, once you let him know how much stress you're feeling, he'll be able to back off a bit so you can move forward with your relationship and do just as you suggested - take each day as it comes.

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You Asked: My Husband Wants Me to Be a Stay-at-Home Wife!

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just got married to the man of my dreams (YAY!!), but now that the wedding high has worn off, settling into married life has been different than I expected. Both my husband and I are very career oriented but all of a sudden, now that I have a ring on my finger, he wants me to be a stay-at-home wife, just like his mother! We talked about our future before getting married and we were on the same page, but my husband has done a complete 180 and I don't know what to do. He says that he makes enough money to support the both of us, but I don't want to quit my job! He expects me to stay home to "run the house," but I'm not ready to be a housewife! While I don't want to knock those women that love being a stay-at-home wife/mom, it's just not what I want for myself quite yet. Do you have any advice for me? - Career Woman Wendy

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Career Woman Wendy,

Agreeing on how your lives would change after getting married really should have been discussed before saying I do, but since your husband clearly had a change of heart, a serious talk is in order. Explain to him that you had every intention of keeping things status quo, including your career. For some women, working is what keeps them motivated and empowered so while your husband's offer is very generous, you're bound to resent him if you feel held back.

I think it's natural for him to try and replicate his parents relationship, but times have changed. Being a housewife is no longer a woman's automatic role; it's now a decision. Hopefully a good talk about your future will help bring you two back to the same page, but Wendy, even if you can't come to a complete agreement, you need to do what's best for you because if you aren't happy, your relationship is bound to suffer. Good luck and congratulations!

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Break Up With Him?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

Please, please you have to help me! I can't believe I'm writing, but I'm so confused.

My boyfriend is the nicest guy in the world. He's perfect in every way except his ambition and his career. At first, I didn't mind his job and his being broke all the time because I was so in love. Now that we've been together for almost three years, I'm getting tired of his endless problems.

In the last two years, he changed his jobs five times, got into an accident, totaled his car, and got kicked out of his house. On the other hand, I've been working so hard to build my career, making three times more money than him, and bought my first house. I let him move in with me because I felt so bad.

It's not about the money, but I'm just really tired of coming home from work to find him watching TV, taking a nap, or doing nothing instead of looking for a job. He just doesn't seem like he wants more from life. Doesn't he want to go back to school? Doesn't he want to be successful? I told him many times to update his resume, but he always had excuses. When I asked about his goals and career plans, he got offended. I really don't know what to do. I really love him but I'm stressing out about his laziness.

I want to break up with him, but he’s so good to me. He always treats me so well! He makes me laugh. What should I do, E. Jean? Should I break up with him? Or am I being a b*tch? Should I push him more or is it useless? Please help me! Thank you and love you! - Wanting More, Getting Less

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Miss Wanting, My Delectable Half-Wit,

Oh my God, what a clod! Get rid of him. It’s over. Done. Fini. Fini. Fini. I lurve a toolbag as much as the next woman, but Mr. Endless Problems is a worthless leech who's been sucking on you for so long, you can’t even feel how dumb and cruel he is. Remove his fist from your wallet, strap on your heaviest hiking boots, and give his gluteals a running kick out the door.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

You Asked: I'm Getting Depressed About Being Unemployed

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just finished my master's in May and I still can't find a job. I am in the education field and I live on Long Island, where jobs are hard to find. My boyfriend and I have an apartment together, and he is working a lot to keep us afloat. We have considered relocating for my sake but figured we would allow some time first. Money aside, I am having a really hard time dealing with being unemployed. I am feeling sad over the fact that my boyfriend is overworked and has to basically support me. I feel like all of the time and money I spent on my education is not paying off. I have a part-time job, I work evenings, so I spend most of the day at home and then miss my boyfriend because he has a day job. At first, I took advantage of getting myself organized and continuing my job search, but now I have a hard time getting out of bed and feel like there is no purpose to my day. I know that I am depressed. I would love to have some input on how I can get out of this slump and get on with things. - Desperate Davida

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Desperate Davida,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding a job. We are living in a crazy time right now, so try not to be too hard on yourself - there are a plethora of people in your exact situation. For some advice on the career front, check out this advice from my friend SavvySugar; hopefully she'll be of some help. In the meantime, I have a few suggestions myself.

While I don't blame you for feeling guilty that your boyfriend is working extra hard while you look for a job, try to keep it all in perspective. It doesn't sound like he's miserable doing it, so just be appreciative! I'm sure it makes him feel good to be able to help you, and if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you do the same for him?

Since you are working opposite schedules as your boyfriend, I recommend looking for a new part-time job during regular business hours. Not only will it give a purpose to your day and time with your boyfriend, but getting back in the routine of going to work everyday, no matter what the job is, will make the transition that much easier when you find a full-time job. Since relocating is potentially an option, why don't you give yourself a time frame? If you can't find a job in six to eight months, send your resume out in cities where you could see yourself living.

I know it's probably really disheartening to think all your hard work isn't paying off, but in time, I have faith that it will. Be patient with yourself, let your boyfriend take care of you for a while, and make sure you communicate with him. Perhaps just talking it out will relieve you of the guilt you feel. Good luck.

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