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Ask an Agnostic: I Cheated on My Husband and Feel Guilty

TresSugar — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a Christian woman who cheated on her husband feels guilty and needs advice; she'll get some from an agnostic. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair. I'm a good woman, and I do love my husband very deeply but I have a problem with being alone and he is not here. I have always had a problem with cheating and I have never been faithful in a relationship. I recently ended the affair but the guilt is killing me and I don't know what to do, especially as a Christian woman.

Signed,
Guilty as Sin

To hear what an agnostic has to say, read more

Dear Guilty,

I don't know what to tell you "as a Christian woman," as I am an agnostic woman and religion doesn't factor into my life, but I will tell you what I know about cheaters and cheating. It may not assuage your guilt, but perhaps it will help you to figure out why you continue to sabotage your relationships and undermine your self-esteem, and hopefully it will get you into therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you keep stepping out on people you say you love so deeply.

I have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves. I've heard many justifications for cheating, and they all seem to be variations on the theme of, "I'm being cheated, so I have a free pass to cheat." Let's say they feel cheated because they're not being paid attention to by their partner. Instead of expressing this to the partner and seeing how they can remedy it to their mutual satisfaction (or, if there's no remedy, to get the hell out of the relationship), they grab onto what they can to fill that void, their partner be damned. It's a passive-aggressive act that seems to say, "I am too powerless (or chicken) to directly confront this head-on, so I will get what I can on the down-low."

Or let's say they're jealous of their partner, who might be more successful, happier or have more sexual experience than they. Cheating for them accomplishes two things. Out of resentment that life hasn't given them what they wanted, and out of a feeling of egoic deficiency - they get a quick fix of attention from another person (filling a void inside by outside validation), and they secretly punish their partner for having what they don't.

You say you've never been faithful in a relationship, so although you almost blame your husband for your cheating ("he is not here"), you also admit you are the one with the problem. This is a good first step. So what to do now? There are two schools of thought about what you should do if you've cheated and stopped.

One school says that to tell the person you cheated on would be selfish; all it would accomplish is to put your burden on them. This school of thought says you should just suck it up and vow to yourself you'll never do it again. Another school says that you must come clean and give the other person a chance to decide whether or not they want to forgive you or work on the relationship with you.

This is a personal decision I can't make for you. For me, cheating is an (almost) irreparable act of contempt for the person you're in a relationship with. If it happened to me, I would want to have the chance to determine whether or not the person who did it was a) truly sorry, and b) sure it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I'd want someone of questionable ethics to decide on my behalf. Plus, I'd have more respect for someone who came clean even at the risk of losing the relationship.

What seems most important to me is that you figure out why, especially if you believe in the pretty rigid moral code of Christianity (especially when it comes to sexual matters), you keep on cheating? Maybe you are rebelling against this moral code. What do you lack within your marriage (but more importantly, within yourself) that you're getting from attention outside your marriage? (Maybe your husband travels a lot, leaving you alone. Lots of people are alone, though, without feeling empty inside. This is an important distinction.) Are you someone who doesn't feel comfortable confronting others, or asking for what you want? This "people-pleasing" attitude often means a lot of repressed anger, which can lead to cheating.

Whatever you decide to do, the first step I would recommend you take is to repair the relationship you have with yourself. If your actions don't square with your beliefs about right and wrong, you need to confront that first before you begin to heal your relationship with your husband. Hope that helps and good luck to you.

Cheating: Would Marriage Change Your Reaction?

TresSugar — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0700

Last night on Mad Men, both Don and Betty are tempted to cheat. While Don, a seasoned philanderer, has no trouble cheating on Betty with his daughter's former teacher, Betty thinks twice about consummating her flirtation with belly-toucher Henry. It's not because of her marriage, of course, but because sex in an office is "tawdry." Obviously!

Betty knows Don's a cheater, and seems to have reconciled it by cheating herself - both last season with that stranger in the bar and this season in her emotional affair with Henry - and limiting what she knows about her husband's, well, affairs. Would being married to a cheater modify how you reacted, or would you put your foot down no matter what?

(For more Mad Men, check out BuzzSugar's 5 Maddest Mad Men moments from last night's episode.)

Source: AMC

Speak Up: When You Cheat, What Do You Eat?

FitSugar — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 09:30:00 -0800

If you are trying to lose weight, eat more healthy or both, there are times when you "cheat." C'mon . . . admit it! Nobody, and no diet for that matter, is perfect. Everyone seems to have her or his own personal favorite "cheat" food. Be they nachos or Sour Patch Kids. What I want to know is what do you eat when you cheat? But, my question doesn't end there – it is a two parter. I am wondering if you have a healthy substitution that works to stave off the crazy craving. Me? I like to bake some yam fries when I feel the need for the deep fried French fries.

Tell me how you deal in the comments section below.

Source

Your Partner Cheats: Do You Want to Know or Not?

TresSugar — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 09:00:00 -0700

It's (unofficially) cheating week on TrèsSugar! You have weighed in on a Christian woman's confession that she cheated on her husband, and you've revealed whether or not you have ever cheated.

Everyone has an opinion on whether or not, if you cheated, you should tell your significant other or spare him and keep it to yourself. But I wonder if you'd want to know if your partner cheated on you. Is it important for you to know so you can decide whether or not to forgive, or is ignorance bliss?

Politicians, Narcissism and Cheating - Oh, My!

TresSugar — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

There's been no shortage of politicians in the news who cheated on their wives (Sanford, Spitzer, Clinton - we're talking about you), and the television show The Good Wife is even dramatizing this all-too-familiar story. Most social scientists and psychologists are not surprised; many of the traits that are required for political leadership are prevalent in narcissism: ambition, risk-taking, and charisma. You don't need to be a narcissist to be a political leader, but it doesn't hurt.

So what is narcissism exactly? We all have self-love on some level, but in the '80s, the American Psychiatric Association argued that it can become pathological enough to be considered a personality disorder. They claimed that one percent of the population has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder); it's since been revised by The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, which said that 6.2 percent of the population has NPD. To find out about NPD, read more

According to the DSM-IV, here are the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

"A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love (megalomania)
3. Believes they are 'special' and can only be understood by, or should associate with, people (or institutions) who are also 'special' or of high status
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Is interpersonally exploitative
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes"

Most of us will never date or marry a narcissistic politician, but some of us will have the misfortune to date narcissists, who have a tendency to cheat. "Infidelity," says Stanley Renshon, a political psychologist at City University of New York and who writes about psychology and political behavior, "is a byproduct of narcissism."

Do you know any narcissists or have you ever dated one?

Source

When Does a Crush Become Emotional Cheating?

DearSugar — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 11:00:00 -0700

A few months back, one of my married friends admitted to having an innocent crush on one of her co-workers. Since then, his name has come up more and more and I finally had to ask her what the deal was. Had her innocent crush turned into a secret fling without me knowing? She claims that nothing has happened; they’re just really good friends.

In my opinion, her constant interactions with him and his presence in her life seems to have become the kind of crush that crosses the line - becoming emotional cheating. But when I tried to explain this to her, I realized I couldn't figure out exactly what makes a crush turn from silly to serious. What do you think? When does an innocent crush become more?

Source

Have You Ever Cheated?

TresSugar — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I've read a lot about women cheating on their partners lately.

Yesterday in our Conventional Wisdom column, an agnostic woman offered some advice to a Christian woman who felt guilty for cheating on her husband. And last week an Ohio woman, determined to win back her fiancé, made headlines for standing outside a supermarket wearing a sign that said: "I cheated. Honk if I deserve a second chance." The back read: "I honestly love him."

If there's any insight to be gained from this sign-wearing woman's antics, it's that many cheaters feel an enormous amount of guilt for betraying the person they love. Have you ever been in that situation?

Ask an Expat: Can I Tell Her He's Cheating?

TresSugar — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 08:00:26 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, an American living in England dishes advice to a woman who is burdened with the knowledge of another person's infidelity. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

My boyfriend's friend cheats on his girlfriend. It's pretty much common knowledge among the group of friends, but his girlfriend doesn't know. At least I don't think she does. While the girlfriend isn't my best friend, I can't help but feel guilty when I'm around the couple. And I don't want my boyfriend to think I condone the infidelity. What should I do?

Signed,
Feeling Guilty

To see the expat's answer, read more.

Dear Feeling Guilty,

I don't think that you should say anything to your friend's girlfriend. Unfortunately (or fortunately!), their relationship problems aren't yours too.

If you can't let it totally go, you might consider convincing your boyfriend to tell his friend that the cheating makes you guys uncomfortable, especially when you're hanging out as couples. And if being around them still makes you feel guilty, maybe you should simply spend less time with them. It sounds like there might be other things you don't have in common with this couple, or at least the boyfriend.

You should also remember that since you are in a committed relationship, it probably goes without saying that you don't condone cheating. If, however, your boyfriend jokes around about it and seems to condone or support it himself, maybe it's time you and he had a talk about your own relationship and expectations. Good luck!

Ask a Southern Belle: Am I Paranoid or Is He Cheating on Me?

TresSugar — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. To help Sick Sommer who isn't sure if she's paranoid or if her boyfriend really is cheating on her, a Southern Belle will offer her common sense advice today. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I have been in a relationship with this guy for three-and-a-half years. For the most part, our relationship has been pretty good. However, over the past five or six months, I have developed a fear of him cheating on me. Ironically, I never had this feeling at any earlier time in our relationship.

I have come to believe that the reason I have developed this fear is because a couple of times over the past few months, I have caught him lying to me about drinking with his guy friends and dipping (two things that he knows I don't approve of). He told me that the reason he lied about those things is because he didn't want me to be upset with him. Since he lied to me about those things, I feel like he might be lying to me about cheating.

Fortunately, he has never given me any reason to think that he is cheating, and he tells me all the time that he loves me so much and that I am the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Even though he tells me all of these sweet things, I still don't trust him and I often accuse him of going behind my back with other girls. He reassures me he would never do that and often becomes very upset that I would think he would hurt me like that. It seems like all day, every day, I constantly think about what he is doing, who he is with, etc. I have literally made myself sick from worrying so much and I am afraid it is going to cost me my health and relationship. I don't know what to do!

- Sick Sommer

To hear what advice a Southern Belle has to give, read more

Dear Sick Sommer:

Well bless your heart!

When I was a young woman, I heard a story about a little girl walking toward a bridge. She encountered a snake who asked for her help in crossing the river. The girl demurred, saying, “You are a snake; you will bite me.” The snake told a sad story about being misunderstood and promised to do no harm. The trusting girl picked up the snake and carried him across the bridge, whereupon he bit her. She cried out, “You promised you would not hurt me! Why? Why?” As the snake slithered away, he said, “You knew what I was when you picked me up.”

In light of this little tale, ask yourself a couple of questions. Have you had this fear of being cheated on with other boyfriends? If so, perhaps you are sabotaging this relationship with your accusations. Or, have you picked other guys whose bad habits you immediately tried to fix? Why, after three-and-a-half years, do you not have trust in this man?

People, as snakes, rarely change, no matter how much their partners want it. The question of trust may only be in your mind, but if you cannot trust this guy after three-and-a-half years and he is still doing things of which you do not approve, one of you might want to slither away.

Signed,

A Southern Belle

Do Tell: What Would You Do If Your Husband Cheated?

TresSugar — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 06:00:00 -0700

This past week, reports broke that South Carolina's first lady Jenny Sanford was moving out of the governor's mansion. Honestly, I'm not surprised after her cheating husband Gov. Mark Sanford admitted last month that although he found his soulmate (aka his mistress), he was trying his best to fall back in love with his wife. How ~~sweet~~ sickening. The first lady is taking her dignity, along with her four sons, to their family home in Sullivans Island, SC. Mark Sanford says he supports his wife and that the decision to move will help the couple's reconciliation efforts.

If you were in Jenny Sanford's position, and maybe you have been, what would you do?