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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Why Did He Wait to Tell Me This?

DearSugar — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 09:00:00 -0800

DearSugar and Blindsided Betsy need your help. Her husband just came clean and told her that he's unhappy in their relationship and has been for quite a while now. She doesn't understand why they didn't have this conversation before they got married and she's both devastated and angry. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my husband for six and a half years (married for one), and two weeks ago, he came to me and told me that he isn't fulfilled in our relationship and hasn't been for some time now. He said that I am a wonderful, gorgeous, perfect wife/woman, but my communication skills are lacking and my conversation isn't stimulating enough for him. He doesn't know what he wants to do, but he does know that he isn't happy. Mind you he's never said anything to me about this before - never!

I feel like I've given so much to this relationship, including moving to another state and giving up the job I loved, and this is what I get in return? The fact that he's decided to tell me that he doesn't feel like we're "compatible" after we're already married upsets me to no end. We are going to counseling for the next three months, but there are no guarantees that anything will change in his mind, and quite frankly, I feel like the damage he's caused is irreversible. I love him and always thought he loved me too, so has our entire relationship been a sham? I just don't know what to think anymore and I fear that I've wasted seven years of my life only to become a divorcée. I don't know what to do now so any advice would be a huge help. - Blindsided Betsy

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You Asked: Is this Happily Ever After?

DearSugar — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar--
I'm so upset with my husband! We've been married only two months and I don't know what to do with him. He and I were best friends for several years prior to dating, so I thought I knew him pretty well. When we were friends and at first when we were initially dating, he was so kind and thoughtful; always listened and acknowledged my feelings. Then slowly he started listening less and now when I go to him with a problem or issue, he gets very angry and doesn't listen at all. Even worse, he gets angry with ME for even having a problem in the first place.

Then, of course I get upset, and he will ignore me for days. Nothing ever gets solved and I end up feeling like he doesn't listen or care! I'm just so flabbergasted. I knew this man for years, and he was always the kindest sweetest man around! Please help! --Confused Connie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Confused Connie --

It sounds, from your note, as if you feel you've lost your best friend, and that's a wrenching feeling, I know. I wish I knew if anything has changed recently in your husband's life. Finances, his job, or some other transition? And I don't know if you lived together before marrying. Some couples who date for years but don't live together before marriage can experience a basic but major transition period.

Still, it's very clear you're experiencing a serious communication problem. A lack of openness or willingness to listen, anger and resentment, and ignoring a partner in distress are all signals that new skills are required, and urgently. There's no way to know the root of the issue from your note or description, but getting closer again, feeling safer, and becoming more comfortable speaking about what's happening would be my first priorities for you both.

Since this is so fundamental, I'm tempted to recommend counseling. For you first, Connie, so you can begin to get some support around the problems and concerns you've unsuccessfully brought to your husband. If your husband can't be available, you still need help and should seek it. We all require guidance, reassurance and perspective, so I think it might be wise if you gave that to yourself for a little awhile.

When you feel more grounded and have some tools, I'd ask your husband to share the emotional work of this new marriage with you. The book Getting the Love You Want is a very practical, balanced, and approachable resource for couples. You can buy two copies and each do the exercises, some together, some separately. It's really very non-threatening and well-paced, but also rich and encouraging. Relationships take work, and tough times can require special dedication and effort.

If your husband is unwilling to try the book approach, I'd move to plan B, which is couples counseling. As ever, be gentle and clear, and be firm about its importance to you and the health of the relationship. Let him know that you miss him and love him, and that you need his participation. Besides, it's a safe place for you both, and from there you can make your way back to each other. I can feel that you love your husband and miss the ways you were close. Mutual care and understanding are possible again, Connie, and with a little time and effort, I believe your marriage can thrive.

Was Your Alma Mater's Career Counseling Center Helpful?

SavvySugar — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:02:49 -0700

The career center at my alma mater was a spacious building with a unique paint color that stood out in its prime campus location. Unfortunately, the up-front locale had nothing to do with how important the quality of services rendered was to the university.

Career counseling centers shouldn't have to hold students' hands through the process of job searching and career discovery, but they should be able to give advice on résumé improvements and the most effective way to approach a job search. Ours did none of this - how could it, when those working inside were inexperienced undergrads themselves?

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Marital Counseling With Dr. Phil

GiggleSugar — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 07:00:00 -0800

Dr. Phil: Über perceptive or speaking from experience? You be the judge.

Career Psychics and Coaches More Helpful Than Friends?

SavvySugar — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 08:01:51 -0700

There are times when we know that change is the answer but have no idea what type of change is needed. Careers may turn sharp corners at any point during our working lives and any big decision should be thought through completely.

We look to friends, boyfriends, parents, siblings, mentors, and career psychics to help us sort through the pros and cons. Wait, back up! Career psychics? Find out more about the roles played by various career counselors when you read more.

The New York Times explains some subtle differences: "Career counselors tend to explore psychological undercurrents with clients, and they often have a master’s degree in counseling. Coaches typically come from the corporate world and focus on goal-setting." Those who focus on counseling may translate their psychic or intuitive skills to help their clients "see their dream job."

Career counseling and coaching in general can help uncertain workers achieve a finer focus on their true goals and gifts, and they charge up to $400 per hour for their services. They've indicated that more new graduates are seeking out their help because of their mounting concern for finding work in a weak economy along with student loans hanging over their heads.

Would you consider career counseling, or do you think you'd have just as much success reading books with their recommendations? Is your own judgment along with the advice of those you trust enough when you're mulling over a big transition?

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Ronan Keating "Dumbfounded" By Stephen Newspaper Story

PopSugarUK — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 01:01:50 -0800

Ronan Keating has been focusing on work lately, following his Boyzone bandmate Stephen Gately's tragic death. Ronan performed in Australia this weekend, while here in the UK The Observer published an interview with him where he gave some insight into how he's been feeling since Stephen passed, as well as commenting on the Jan Moir scribed newspaper article that caused much controversy. Here are some extracts from his interview:

On his bad days: "Horrible, you can't breathe, you feel like your chest is collapsing, the walls are coming in on top of you. Anxiety I think is what they call it... I haven't been sleeping at all lately. It's been horrible. We've all been feeling the same way since Stephen passed. Mentally I'm absolutely exhausted."
On grief counselling: "I've never before thought about going to get help with counsellors. For the first time ever I think I should. When I lost my mum it was the hardest thing at the time I'd ever known in my life but because she was sick for two years and we were told three months before she died that she had three months [left], subconsciously you build a wall, your defence mechanism goes up and you prepare yourself for that. Whereas with Steo, there was nothing, just this wall of devastation, shock. I don't think it has hit any of us properly. There's times when you feel like you can't breathe, you know, when you're panicking and I'm not like that. I've always been on a level."
On finding out about Stephen's death: "I bawled my eyes out. Screamed down the phone: 'What are you saying?' I couldn't take it in. When the guy on the phone said 'Stephen passed away' I said 'Stephen who?' because I thought he was talking about someone else. I just didn't think it would be Steo. I'll never f*cking forget it. I ran out of the restaurant, my sister ran after me with my coat [saying] 'What's wrong, what's wrong?' I told her. And then I had to call the three guys. Bloody hell, what a call. Horrendous. The most horrendous hour of my life. Horrific."

To read what Ronan had to say about Jan Moir's controversial opinion piece, just read more.

On the Daily Mail newspaper article by Jan Moir: "None of us read the article because we were told 'You wouldn't want to read it' so we purposely didn't, we ignored it. But obviously it was unavoidable to hear what comments were being made, and I think it's disgusting. It was just wrong; one, for her to write it, and two, for the paper to print it. It shouldn't have been allowed. It was wrong. It looked to me like someone trying to make a name for themselves out of a terrible situation, a devastating situation. And what was worse was the apology – the alleged apology, that was written a week later, was her defending herself! It's just disgraceful. Again, for her to do it and for the paper to allow it. I'm dumbfounded. It's bizarre.... But anyway, again, I wouldn't dwell on it. I wouldn't want to give her any publicity for that. He was a human being. A human being with feelings; a husband, a family that have feelings. At what point do people cross that line? Incredible... incredibly insensitive."

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Genetic Counseling

FitSugar — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 17:34:50 -0700

HEALTH GUIDE REFERENCE FROM A.D.A.M

Genetic Counseling

Modern genetics allows us to understand how genetic diseases are inherited based on DNA, genes, and chromosomes. We can now test couples and fetuses for certain inherited disorders, as well as other chromosomal and genetic abnormalities such as neural tube defects, Down syndrome, and cystic fibrosis.

Couples who are thinking about having a child may consider genetic counseling and prenatal diagnosis before conception to predict any possible abnormalities in their child. Others may use the tests after they conceive to evaluate the condition of the fetus.

People who are at increased risk of passing genetic abnormalities on to their children include:

Jews of Eastern European descent, who may have a high risk of having children with Tay-Sachs or Canavan’s, metabolic disorders that lead to death in early childhood.
African-Americans, who may risk passing on sickle-cell anemia to their children.
Couples of Southeast Asian or Mediterranean origin, who are at increased risk of having children with thalassemia, a severe form of anemia.
People with family histories of inherited disorders, or those who have previously had children with genetic disorders.
Women who were exposed to toxins that could cause birth defects.
Women with prior medical conditions or diseases that may affect their fetus, such as diabetes.
Couples who share a common ancestor.
Women with a history of multiple miscarriages.
Couples who have family members with birth defects or severe developmental problems.

Prenatal testing for genetic problems may be done before or after conception. Testing for spina bifida or Down syndrome is done after a pregnancy is established. Besides the couples listed above, counseling and diagnosis are also recommended for mothers over the age of 35, and those who have received abnormal alpha-fetoprotein test results. For more information about the alpha-fetoprotein test, and when and why you might have it, see alpha-fetoprotein.

For those who may be at risk, genetic counseling and prenatal diagnosis are used to help answer some important questions, such as:

Should we have a baby? Are the chances of having a baby with a genetic defect so high that choosing adoption or artificial insemination may be a better way to start a family?
How can we treat the fetus' potential defects? Are there surgical techniques available or other medical interventions that may help alleviate problems?
How do we prepare, physically and psychologically, for the possible outcome of a pregnancy? Are there special educational classes, training, or information that we need in order to raise a child with defects?
Should we continue the pregnancy? Are the fetus' abnormalities so severe that we might choose to have an abortion?

It is important to remember that preconception testing can only give you the odds of having a child with a certain birth defect; a genetic counselor maps out the specific numbers. You may learn, for example, that you have a one in four chance of having a child with a certain disorder. If you decide to conceive, the fetus may be able to undergo prenatal testing to show whether or not the baby has inherited the disorder.

How Can I Prepare?

You may wish to discuss genetic counseling with your family, as well as your health care provider, who may refer you to a genetic counselor specially trained to understand the complex issues surrounding heredity and pregnancy. Find out if any medical problems run in your family, especially any problems with child development, miscarriages, stillbirths, or severe childhood illnesses. If you decide to get the blood-screening test, make sure your health care provider talks to you beforehand and answers any of your questions.

What Will Happen?

You will be required to fill out an in-depth family history, and discuss your family's medical past with the counselor. You and your partner may also take simple blood tests, or undergo an analysis of your chromosomes known as karyotyping. All this information will be considered together to help determine what genetic patterns you may pass on to your children. If you choose to be tested after conception, one of the following tests will be used to obtain fetal cells whose genetic and chemical makeup can be analyzed in a laboratory:

Amniocentesis, in which fluid is withdrawn from the amniotic sac and analyzed. See amniocentesis for more information.
Chorionic villus sampling (CVS), which takes a sampling of the cells of the placenta. See CVS for more information.
Percutaneous umbilical blood sampling (PUBS), which draws fetal blood from the umbilical cord. See PUBS for more information.

What Are The Risks?

The tests used for genetic counseling have virtually no risks. The tests used after conception, however, may cause infection, damage to the fetus, or miscarriage. For further information, see the articles on amniocentesis, CVS, and PUBS.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: If I am in a risk group, do I have to get tested?

A: No. It is up to you whether or not to undergo genetic counseling and prenatal testing. Your religious or philosophical beliefs, family circumstances, and personal desires all are a part of the decision-making process.

Q: If I discover I am a carrier of a certain disease, will I still be allowed to have a baby?

A: Absolutely. The point of genetic counseling and prenatal diagnosis is simply to provide parents with information that they need to make important decisions. A good genetic counselor will help you figure out how to use the information you discover, but will not make any decisions for you. If you are at risk of having a baby with a disorder, you may be able to use assisted reproductive technologies to reduce the chance that your baby will be affected.

Review Date:
2/19/2007
Reviewed By:
Douglas A. Levine, MD, Gynecology Service, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, New York, NY. Review provided by VeriMed Healthcare Network.

A.D.A.M., Inc. is accredited by URAC, also known as the American Accreditation HealthCare Commission (www.urac.org). URAC's accreditation program is an independent audit to verify that A.D.A.M. follows rigorous standards of quality and accountability. A.D.A.M. is among the first to achieve this important distinction for online health information and services. Learn more about A.D.A.M.'s editorial policy, editorial process and privacy policy. A.D.A.M. is also a founding member of Hi-Ethics and subscribes to the principles of the Health on the Net Foundation (www.hon.ch).

A.D.A.M. Copyright

The information provided herein should not be used during any medical emergency or for the diagnosis or treatment of any medical condition. A licensed medical professional should be consulted for diagnosis and treatment of any and all medical conditions. Call 911 for all medical emergencies. Links to other sites are provided for information only -- they do not constitute endorsements of those other sites. © 1997-2009 A.D.A.M., Inc. Any duplication or distribution of the information contained herein is strictly prohibited.

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Pregnancy Center Links

Plastic Surgery For "Designer Vaginas" Is on the Rise

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0800

It's hard to believe that although women have enough to worry about, some of them worry about having perfect-looking genitals. "Designer vagina" surgery such as labioplasty is still on the rise. A procedure like labioplasty, which starts at $5,000, involves trimming back what might be perceived as a protruding labia. Yikes.

Some critics say that many women go into these surgeries without fully understanding the risks. Will there be complications in childbirth? Will these surgeries affect sexual pleasure? These critics also question whether anyone in the medical community should even perform surgeries to "trim, sculpt and perfect" genitals. Perhaps, they reason, women should get psychological counseling instead of genital cosmetic surgery. (The desire to "perfect" your genitals could be a sign you have body dysmorphic disorder.)

If looking at a picture of a thin, perfect model makes some women seek "perfection" by dieting or exercising, where exactly are women getting their ideas of what a perfect vagina looks like? Porn? Help me out here.

Genetic counseling

admin — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 18:51:05 -0700

Illustrations

Genetic counseling and prenatal diagnosis

HEALTH GUIDE REFERENCE FROM A.D.A.M

Alternative Names

Prenatal diagnosis

Information

For over 4000 years, people have noticed that certain diseases run in families. However, the "why" was unknown until modern science showed how genetic information is transmitted.

Present-day medicine recognizes that genetic diseases are inherited based on the nature of DNA, genes, and chromosomes. Now that the human genome has been completely sequenced, scientists are better able to study how changes in DNA cause human disease. This will ultimately help in diagnosing and treating genetic disorders.

Many diseases that involve a single gene defect can now be diagnosed very early in pregnancy. Prenatal diagnosis looks at fetal cells in the mother's blood, amniotic fluid, or chorionic villi. This may detect problems while the baby is still growing or after birth. In late pregnancy, tests may examine blood from the umbilical cord.

Couples who have a high risk of passing a genetic (hereditary) disorder to a child may consider pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD). The procedure is done in the lab after artificial insemination about 3 - 4 days after fertilization.

Laboratory scientists remove a single cell from each embryo and screen the material for specific genetic disorders. According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, PGD can help parents decide which embryos to implant. This decreases the chance of passing a disorder to a child. The technique is controversial and not offered at all centers.

Genetic counseling and prenatal diagnosis provides parents with the knowledge to make intelligent, informed decisions regarding possible pregnancy and its outcome. Some parents choose to become pregnant and have the disease status of the fetus determined early in the pregnancy. The pregnancy is continued if the fetus is disease-free.

If a genetic defect is found in the fetus, parents who decide to continue the pregnancy may be better prepared to care for the infant by educating themselves about the disease in advance. For example, if a baby has a genetic disease that leads to diet problems, both the mother and baby may need to be treated with special diets.

However, until science has the knowledge to treat some of the more serious, sometimes deadly genetic disorders, the best option is prevention. Based on genetic counseling, some parents (in the face of a possibly deadly genetic disease) have chosen to adopt instead of getting pregnant. Others have opted for egg or sperm donation from an anonymous donor who is not likely to be a carrier of the disease.

Texas Offering Cash Incentive For Pre-Marriage Counseling

SavvySugar — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 04:00:27 -0700

Texas lawmakers can't stop couples from walking down the aisle, but they can make it more expensive to be named husband and wife. There's a high divorce rate in Texas and lawmakers think that number will go down if couples undergo pre-marriage counseling. A new federally funded program called Twogether in Texas is based on the hope that couples would rather sit through counseling sessions than pay extra for their marriage licenses.

Beginning this month, licenses that used to cost $41 will now cost $71. If couples participate in the Twogether in Texas program and take an approved eight-hour class, the state charges only $11 for the license. Do you think paying $60 less is worth eight hours of free counseling?

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