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You Asked: Should I Butt Into Their Relationship?

DearSugar — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 10:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

There’s a woman that I really like and can't stop thinking about. We’ve been friends for five years; we worked together but I was married at the time. I think she felt the same way. We were always very flirty with each other and she used to say things like “too bad you're married.” We would go out for drinks, lunches, and work parties together because my wife never wanted to come. We kissed once at the Christmas party but as soon as we realized what we did, we promised to never let it happen again.

I moved to another state for my wife’s job but soon after she decided she didn’t love me anymore and we divorced at the beginning of this year. I moved back home and I feel ready to date again. This woman I like is with someone else now and it's pretty serious. We are still very flirty when we're together and I think she knows I want to be more than friends with her. Should I risk wrecking our friendship by telling her, or do I wait to see if the relationship she’s in works out? - Unsure Sean

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Dear Unsure Sean,

There is clearly a connection between you and this woman so instead of passing up an opportunity to be with her, I think you should tell her how you feel. Sure, it's a risk to your friendship, but there's always been an underlying attraction there so I'd say that you've always been a little more than friends anyway. If you're worried about her reaction, stipulate your admission by telling her you're not necessarily looking for an answer from her, rather you needed to be honest with your feelings. If all goes well, you'll be glad you put your heart on the line. If she doesn't reciprocate your interest, do whatever you can to not let your talk affect your friendship. If I was a betting women, I'd say you two are on the same page so my advice is to just go for it - you'll never know unless you try!

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Mad Men, "The Grown Ups": This Week's 5 Maddest Moments

BuzzSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:30:10 -0800

Did you hear it? That was the sound of the Mad Men implosion, as the death of JFK on November 22, 1963, rocked the country and the lives of the show's characters. This season has been building up to the events of this episode, which felt more intense, more important, than next week's finale can possibly be. If there's an episode that has defined the third season so thoroughly, it's this one, "The Grown Ups."

Ready to talk? See this week's five maddest moments when you read more.

Death of a President: The timeline of the show has made it clear that John F. Kennedy's assassination is coming, but like those who experienced it, there was no way to prepare for it emotionally. So where is everyone when JFK is shot? Peggy is having a "nooner" with Duck, Betty is at home, Pete and Harry are talking work, and Roger's daughter Margaret is having a fitting on the eve of her wedding.
One wedding and a funeral: The show must go on, Roger decides, and Margaret's wedding still happens on Saturday night, with far fewer guests in attendance. I understand why they didn't cancel it, but as Joan remarks, "Poor thing." Margaret overcomes her marriage jitters and fit over Jane's extravagant gift and presence in her life, only to agree to be married the day after the President's shooting. That's pretty rough.
Downgrade: Pete is demoted so thoroughly at Sterling Cooper that he leaves work and tells Trudie he's been fired at first. Like Betty, the fact that he's already going through something jarring when JFK is shot only escalates his personal situation, and he stays at home with Trudie instead of going to Margaret's wedding. Shaken as well, Trudie tells Pete to start gathering his clients in preparation to leave the company. Pete seems shattered, and again, I enjoyed Vincent Kartheiser's nuanced performance of one of the show's most complicated characters.
Where's the love: A wedding and a violent event prompt everyone to re-evaluate their romantic relationships; particularly Don and Betty (their kiss at the wedding proves to be only passionate from one side) and Joan and Roger. That Roger calls Joan, just happy that she's home, says so much about his feelings for her.
The Proposal: "What is going on?" Betty asks both Don and Henry, distraught about the country's events, but that's exactly how I felt when Henry tells her in her car that he'll marry her if she leaves Don. Last week, when she got advice against divorcing him, I thought there was no way they'd split up, but now that Betty has this viable option, I'm actually scared they may divorce. As screwed up as their marriage is, their being together is one of the show's fixtures. Their separation would be like Sterling Cooper going out of business. But Betty sees things as having "no point" now, and she tells Don that she no longer loves him. I don't know what to think! Is it a coincidence that she was wearing a pink twinset like Jackie the day JFK is shot? Hadn't she just "lost" her husband in last week's episode when she discovers that Don is really Dick Whitman? In any case, it's completely disconcerting to see Don, sitting in his bedroom at the end, broken by Betty's dramatic disclosure of her lack of feelings for him.

Everyone keeps saying variations on how everything will be fine, it will all be OK, but we know from experience with this show that nothing is going to be fine. Whatever is to come, I'm so impressed by this episode; in the future, this will be the episode that you remember when you think of this season.

What do you think will happen with Pete, Roger and Joan, the Drapers? Will Betty take Henry up on his offer? And to talk more about the show later, join the Mad Men group in the community.

Photo courtesy of AMC

You Asked: How Can I Open My Heart Again?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been separated from my husband of 11 years for nine months. In the new year I started dabbling with dating. I met with few men for coffee, drinks, and dinner, but none took my fancy until now. We met online and chatted for a month before we actually met up face to face. It's been four and a half months, but I'm scared of getting into anything serious. I do desire to have someone in my life again and I'm not actively dating other men, so what's the matter with me? How can I open my heart again? - Back on the Market Mary

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Back on the Market Mary,

Dating again after being off the market for so long isn't easy, but the more you put yourself out there, the easier it will become. Since you like this guy and do have a desire to be someone again, I think you should just take baby steps instead of diving into this relationship headfirst. Fear is a perfectly normal reaction, but if you open up to this man and tell him how you're feeling, I'm sure he'll be patient with you. Trusting someone with your heart isn't an easy thing to do, but if you trust in yourself, I think it'll just be a matter of time before you find true happiness again. Good luck to you.

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You Asked: I've Fallen Out of Love With My Husband

DearSugar — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am 37 yrs old, have been married for 15 years and have two children with my husband. My problem is that I haven't been in love with him for years. I have told him that we need to divorce - I left him for a year, but came back due to financial reasons - but he keeps telling me that he loves me and begs me not to leave him. He thinks we can work it out, but I have tried, and faking it is just not working for me anymore. He's a great guy, but I'm absolutely miserable right now.

I know this has been hard on our kids and part of me wants to stay for their sake, but the other part of me desires passion and love again - I want more out of life and I feel like it's passing me by. What should I do? - Wanting to Leave Laura

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Dear Wanting to Leave Laura,

I feel for you that you're struggling in an unhappy marriage right now, but you're right, if you don't make a move here, your life will pass you by. It's a common desire to want to stay for the kids' sake, but remember, you'd only be doing them a disservice - you can't give them what they need if you're unhappy in your own life.

While I'm all for trying to work it out before calling it quits, it sounds as though you've already mentally checked out of your marriage. If couples counseling isn't an option for you, and if you really feel that divorce is the only course of action, I think you should follow your instincts sooner rather than later.

I'm not surprised that faking your happiness isn't working for you anymore so do what you need to do to be truly happy again. This won't be an easy process, but after everything is said and done, I have faith that you'll feel good about the decision you made. Good luck.

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Ask a Divorced Woman: Can I Save My Marriage?

TresSugar — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a divorced woman offers advice to a woman struggling with her marriage. After you read her answer, be sure to check out our Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's Question:
I've been married for a long time, and last year around Christmas my husband told me out of the blue that he didn't love me. I asked him to move out, and he did in February. We started seeing each other again in April and he has now moved back in swearing undying love, and it does feel different as he is attentive, etc.

The problem I have is that he slept with a work "friend" when we spilt up, and he still works with her. She is looking for another job, but he is not because he is trying to get funding for an MA from his employer. I have aired my dislike at them working together. I just need outside input on the different paths I can take. Should I throw him out or just bide my time and wait. I love him but hate this situation.

Signed,
Confused

To see the divorced woman's answer, read more.

Dear Confused,

It seems like you are having a hard time trusting your husband, and based on what has happened, I don't blame you.

Your husband told you out of the blue that "he didn't love you." This statement makes it hard for you to trust that he won't just change his mind again in the future. Then, once you split up, he had a relationship with someone else that he still sees every day. While it's true he didn't technically cheat, I think you are completely rational for taking issue with this.

It is eating away at you knowing that he works with this woman and it will probably keep you from repairing your marriage. You can give it some time, but if after a few months she is not gone, you should tell him to get a new job. If he doesn't make an effort to get away from this woman, then you should question his level of commitment. I'm happy you feel that he is more attentive now that he has come back, but I think you need to spend more time focusing on your needs.

In the end, I think you should take things one day at a time until you determine whether or not you feel complete in the relationship. I'm sure you have a lot invested in this marriage, so don't feel guilty for trying to make it work. But if it can't work for you, don't be afraid to move on.

Signed,
A divorced woman

You Asked: Is It Unfair to End My Marriage?

DearSugar — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for over 20 years to a man 16 years older than me. I've grown out of love with him, but I'm afraid to tell him that I want a divorce. I know that this marriage is over; actually, it's been over for a long time now, but I've been sacrificing my needs to protect my family. Now I'm at a quandary; lost and confused. I don't want him to grow old alone, but I can't abandon my needs/feelings any longer. Do you have any suggestions? - Ready for Change Cindy

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Dear Ready for Change Cindy,

I understand your fear of telling your husband you want to leave him, but you're right, you shouldn't sacrifice your needs to appease his; though it doesn't make telling him any easier. Beating around the bush will make the situation worse so I advise you to be direct and honest with him - I'm sure you'd want the same courtesy from him if the roles were reversed.

You say that you've known the marriage has been over for a while now, so I'd be surprised if your husband didn't know this was coming, but before asking him for a flat out divorce, have you given couples counseling any thought? Or are there any changes that he could make that would make this marriage work for you? If not, sit him down and break the news as gently as possible. Since there are kids involved, making the split as amicable as possible should be your number one priority. I hope I was of some help - good luck.

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You Asked: I'm Stuck in the Middle

DearSugar — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My mother got divorced from her husband of 16 years, a year and a half ago. He claimed he didn't love her anymore, and my mother was left wounded and angry. Together they have a wonderful 12-year-old son, my half-brother, who now takes turns staying with each of them. Things are very bitter, and they mostly communicate through text messaging or through me and my brother - my mother feels too angry to have a more civilized relationship with him. I will admit that my step-dad was cold to her during the divorce, and I understand that she feels hurt, but at this point, I wish she would give in and work at making their relationship better.

I'm away from home in grad school, in a foreign country, extremely busy with my studies, so I mostly communicate with them via email. Yesterday my step-dad told me he has begun dating another woman. It sounds pretty serious. He told me my brother has met her and that they got along. I'm happy for him, but I don't think my mom knows about this. She has been dating herself, but I just know this will make her angry and she might start some kind of power war with her ex through me, or worse, my brother.

If I wait to tell her, my brother might end up blurting it out (what a heavy secret for a twelve year old to have to carry around). So I think it's best if I tell her. How do I go about this in a manner that is gentle? How can I persuade her not to involve me or my brother in the anger she will most likely feel?

- Family Drama Dannika

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Family Drama Dannika,

I'm very sorry to hear that you and your brother are trapped in the middle of your parents' issues. It's really not fair to either of you, and it makes an already difficult situation that much worse. You're right; your brother shouldn't have to carry the burden of this information, and I'm sorry that you do. Your mother is obviously struggling with her own issues, but she's still the parent. If I were you, I would be direct and simple, and certainly don't play into her drama.

If she needs someone to vent to, it should be a therapist or an outside friend, and don't be afraid to tell her so. You can support your mother and recognize her anger without allowing her to place her emotional burden on your shoulders. When it comes down to it, you can't control how your mother reacts to this news or behaves in the future, but you can be a person of strength for your brother. Talk openly with him, and above all else, make sure he knows he can talk to you. I hope things get easier soon.

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You Asked: Should I Leave My Husband?

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for 11 years, and my husband admitted to me three weeks ago that he's been sleeping with a girl that he worked with. I am hurt and very upset and don't know if I can trust him again. I gave him a ultimatum and he chose me, but I have a gut feeling that they are still in contact with each other. I check his phone to see if they talk, but he always deletes his call history. I don't know if I should end my marriage. When he told me about them sleeping together, he said he deeply regretted it and would never do it again. He also told me that it only happened once, but I don't believe him.

We've been together for 16 years and have two grown kids together. I just don't know what to do. Should I confront the other woman or just leave things alone? I've suggested seeing a marriage counselor, but he refuses. I don't know where to go from here. - Desperate Dede

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Dear Desperate Dede,

It's pretty clear that you don't trust your husband, and I don't blame you after hearing about his actions. Our gut instincts are a very powerful tool so if yours are telling you that he's still seeing this woman, he probably is. His shady behavior is not acceptable, but only you know if leaving him is the right decision.

The fact that he's opposed to seeing a marriage counselor leads me to believe he's still carrying on this affair. I'm sure you love your husband, Dede, but do you love him enough to be in an unhappy marriage? If the answer is no, you need to take immediate action. Cheating is not OK and he needs to know that there are consequences to his actions. If you have someplace you can stay for a while, I suggest you move out. Let him know that you're serious and not afraid to stand up for yourself.

If you want to fight for you marriage to work, you have to make sure he's willing to fight as well. Without trust and respect, you really don't have much of a relationship, so communicate your feelings, ask him to do the same, and hopefully you'll figure out your next step sooner than later. I wish you luck.

Source

You Asked: My Husband Took Advantage of Me

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been having problems for a while now. I wanted to leave the marriage, but instead we decided to seek professional help and go to counseling. Up until Saturday night, we had not had sex for two months; I'm struggling so much with our marriage that I'm just not able to be intimate right now.

But on Saturday, we went to a get-together then out with old friends. I had a few more drinks than usual and to make a long story short, I woke up next to him naked. He admits that we had sex, although I have no recollection of it. At first I was only angry at myself for drinking too much, but the more I remember of that night, the more I think it was his intention to get me into bed the whole time. Am I wrong to be so angry days later?

- Very Upset Vicki

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Dear Very Upset Vicki,

Obviously you and your husband are grappling with some difficult issues, and though I can't make a claim about your husband's motives, I can say that if you feel violated in any way, you have every right to be upset. While it may be impossible to prove that his intentions that night were anything less than decent, you shouldn't even be in the position of having to consider the possibility that your own husband took advantage of your drunken state. Your relationship will be impossible to fix if you can't trust him when you're vulnerable.

I think it's imperative that you and your husband make a trip to your counselor to discuss the situation and your feelings surrounding it. Furthermore, if you're not already, it may be time to start making personal appointments too, because no matter what happens with your marriage, it sounds like there's more going on than meets the eye. Perhaps it's time to start talking through those challenging emotions without the burden of your husband's feelings or even his presence in the room.

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You Asked: My Parents Marriage Is Falling Apart

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My mom and dad have been together for a long time. Over the years they have fought a lot, and after all my dad's sarcasm and rude remarks, my mom decided to move out. She wants a divorce although it's not official yet. I found out in January that my dad has been sleeping with another woman. He doesn't know I know, and my mom doesn't want me to tell him that I do.

I've been holding it in for months now, and I can't take it anymore. I'm depressed and losing a lot of weight. I've been crying so much lately, I feel like I'm a wreck. My academic and athletic skills have dropped tremendously and I'm beginning to hate my life. On top of all this, my dad doesn't seem to have a problem with what he's doing. My dad knows I'm sad, but doesn't really understand why. Whenever my mom talks to him, she ends up crying, and it hurts me so much. I have no idea what to do anymore. I want to be a kid again, when everything was normal and I was so innocent.

- Devastated by Divorce Diane

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Dear Devastated by Divorce Diane,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. The separation and subsequent divorce of parents hurts at any age. It's a loss of a family and may elicit the symptoms of grief. What you describe sounds like the beginning of depression so I urge you to reach out to a therapist before things get worse. In the meantime, I think you need to open the lines of communication with your dad. I understand that your mom wants your knowledge of your dad's new love interest kept a secret, but frankly, I'm not sure that's what's right for you now.

While it may seem that you know the ins and outs of your parents marriage and unraveling relationship, I assure you, you do not. It's time to understand things from your father's point of view, too. Don't misconstrue this with choosing sides, which I recommend you avoid, but talking to your father will give him the opportunity to support you during this time. Perhaps his guilt-free nature regarding this woman isn't what it appears, or maybe it is. Either way, you won't know until you ask.

It's natural to want to disconnect from one or both parents, but you'll have a far easier time coping if you turn to them for help instead. Both of your parents love you and don't want to see you in pain. Let this be something you go through with each of them, not alone. Please do seek out professional help, and best of luck to you and your family.

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