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You Asked: My Boyfriend Constantly Brings up His Ex!

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I've known this guy for over a year now. He's been single the whole time I've known him but about a month ago, we started dating exclusively. I noticed that he seems to always bring up his ex-girlfriend A LOT. From what I can gather, she really broke his heart - so badly that he had to go to therapy for 8 weeks! What bothers me is that it was over a year ago and that I've never once asked about it. He seems to always reference something about her or somehow her name comes up. He claims that he "hates her" and he's "as over it as he's ever going to be."

Am I selfish to want him to just be over it and not talk about her? I've never mentioned my past relationships because I choose to leave it in the past.

-- Don't Want to Hear About it Dara

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Dear Don't Want to Hear About it Dara--

I'd be annoyed and hurt too, especially since we all know the only reason he's talking about her so much is because he's definitely NOT over her. That's not to say he doesn't care about or want to be with you, but he's clearly still grieving this past relationship, even though it was over a year ago.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Does he know how much it upsets you that he constantly brings her up? Since you've been friends for over a year, I bet he feels comfortable enough to share his feelings with you, but he needs to realize that you are now a couple, not just friends, and some things (especially those having to do with ex-girlfriends) are sometimes better left unsaid.

Talking might make him stop mentioning her name, but it won't make him stop thinking about her. It sounds like he's simply not ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone right now. He clearly needs a chance to get over his ex fully so if I were you, I'd stop dating him until he's had a chance to mend that broken heart of his.

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This or That: His Ex or Yours?

DearSugar — Fri, 09 May 2008 08:00:00 -0700

You’ve stayed at your boyfriend’s place the past few days, and it’s taken a toll on your usual cute appearance. You haven’t had your hair products or your makeup, and you’ve run out of clean clothes. Your hair is frizzing, and you’re wearing a pair of stretched out jeans, your boyfriend’s t-shirt, and flip flops. (Luckily, he doesn’t care.) You guys decide to grab a quick bite to eat, but you kick yourself when you're surprised by an unexpected encounter. Would it be worse if you guys ran into …

This: His ex-girlfriend, the gorgeous one from all the pictures who broke his heart, and she’s looking, well, picture perfect? You try to give her your most confident handshake, but then you remember your ensemble.

Or …

That: Your ex-boyfriend who ended things with you because you just weren’t the one? Of course you’re over him, but you’ve been dying to run into him to prove that you’re doing better than ever - it would probably help if you looked better than ever.

Neither are how you envisioned, but which encounter is worse?

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Would You Want Help From Your Ex?

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

If you liked The Real Housewives of Orange County, you can't miss the season premiere of Date My Ex tonight! Jo, who had a turmultuous on-and-off-again relationship with ex-fiance Slade, is now looking for love again with the help of her two close friends. . . . and her ex! While the concept sure does make for great TV, I don't see how this scenario could possibly work in real life. I mean who wants to help their ex find love with someone else? Sounds way too close for comfort if you ask me. We'll have to tune in to see if their experiment works, but in the meantime, tell me, have you ever been involved in your ex's love life? Would it be too hard to watch him move on right before your eyes?

Photos courtesy of Bravo

You Asked: My Ex Talks About Other Girls

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

My ex-fiancé and I are still friends. He called off the wedding 5 years ago because he wasn't sure if he wanted kids, and I really did. We've both moved on with our lives - he lives in another state and and I'm actually engaged.

Being friends has worked out for us so far, but ever since I told him I was getting married, every time we talk, he tells me about the other girls he's dating. I know he's just trying to show me that he's moved on, which is great, but I don't really care to hear all the explicit details, ya know? It's kind of immature.

I'm not jealous, I'm actually happy he's dating, but now our relationship is so one-sided because he's always talking about himself. We used to be really close and talk about everything, and he has never once asked me about my life or my upcoming wedding. He talks non-stop about what's going on with him, and then he says, "Okay, gotta go." Any suggestions?

--Moved On Maureen

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Dear Moved On Maureen--

Well, you may not be jealous of him, but he is definitely jealous of you and your happiness. Maybe he's regretting the fact that he called off the wedding and gave you up. Or maybe it upsets him that you are engaged, and he's not. On the other hand, maybe he feels comfortable enough to talk to you about his new relationships and he values your advice.

Whatever the reason, since you are so close, do you think you can talk to him about how you feel? Friendship is a two way street so tell him that you love that he's dating, but he doesn't need to go on and on about the specifics. You can also subtly try to share some info about your life and your wedding plans and see how he takes it. If he's constantly changing the subject, call him out on it. Ask him flat-out, "Does it bother you when I talk about this?"

Remaining friends with an ex-boyfriend or ex-fiancé is really difficult because they'll always be your "ex." It's normal to talk about your own personal relationships with other friends, but when you bring it up with your "ex" it can come across as either a slap in the face or a way to prove that you've moved on. You may find that it just becomes too difficult to communicate on the friendship level, especially on a daily or weekly basis and you may just naturally grow apart. If speaking up doesn't help, you may have to let this friendship sizzle out. Good luck Maureen.

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The Ex Factor

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 10:01:21 -0800

I recently ended an 8 year relationship with a man who was not willing to commit (obviously, he told me he was or would be eventually, but it took 8 years for me to see it wasn't gonna happen).

I have now been dating someone that I have been friends with the entire 8 years I was with my ex. Things are moving along great, especially since we know eachother so well. My problem is this: My ex and I still talk almost, if not everday. You see we have shared custody of the dogs and stay in connection mostly because of them, but also because my ex is a workaholic (big reason for breakup too) and consequently really doesn't have many friends or people to count on....it is important for me to remain friends with him and to be there sometimes when he needs someone to talk to.

My new beau is pretty patient and good about this, but obviously feels threatened at times. My question is this: How do I make my new beau feel more secure without cutting out and abandoning my ex (but now friend)? And how do I make my ex not feel like he is getting another slap in the face (since I ended the relationship in the first place)?

I want to be careful with everyone's feelings here.

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You Asked: Is My Ex Okay?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for about six and a half months and things are going really well. He goes to grad school about two hours away from me but he comes home most weekends to visit. He is the second person I feel I have loved in my life. The first guy, my ex, I started dating about three years ago (I was 24, he was 22) and we dated for a year. He was nice at first, but he abused drugs, was very depressed, and thought about suicide more than once while we were together. I supported him as much as I could but towards the end of our relationship, he started using cocaine and cheated on me. I was completely devastated, even though many of my friends repeatedly told me he was no good for me. I felt like I couldn't help loving him.

My present boyfriend is wonderful. He is focused on graduating from a great engineering program, he cares about me infinitely, and is actually willing to talk about our future together (something I thought I'd never find in a guy). I love him and am eternally grateful to have found such a great person to share my life with.

My problem is this: there are times when, despite all reason, I find myself thinking about my ex. I don't want to call him and try to get back together or anything, but I can't help thinking about what he's doing, if he ever got clean, or what. I think about him at least once a week. I try to keep it to myself but sometimes it makes me really upset and the guy I'm with now can't help but notice, and won't let me avoid talking about why I feel so crappy. I know it hurts him when I tell him I have been thinking about my ex, but he also knows that I am not thinking about him in a romantic way. How can I get out from under my ex's storm cloud and into the present, sunny life I have with my guy now? Do I still love him? If not, why would I care about him even after so long without even hearing from him?

-Worried About My Ex Emily

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Dear Worried About My Ex Emily,

You sound like an extremely sensitive and caring person, so it's no wonder you are still worried about your ex, even though it's been a while since you last spoke. When you dated him, you took on the role of friend, nurturer, and therapist. You gave so much of yourself to him and received nothing back. I'm sure the only thing you ever wanted was for him to get better, but he never got to that point. Then things quickly ended so that you never got any closure, and you were left still caring for him.

Here's a question for you. Say you were able to call your ex to find out how he was doing, and you found out he was still abusing drugs. What would you do then? Or what if you called and he was totally clean. Would you become friends with him again? Is it the not knowing that is the most upsetting? If so, perhaps you should talk to him and get the closure you need. I know it's hard to swallow, but you did all you could to help, and it's not your job to make him well.

When you and your ex broke up, you were heartbroken, and it sounds as if you still are. There's no cure for a broken heart, only time can heal that wound. Try to focus on the amazing relationship you have now, because if you don't, you may end up losing him. I'm sure your ex will always have a special place in your heart, but it sounds as though you're much better off leaving him in your past.

Source

Should I Invite my EX to my Wedding?

DearSugar — Fri, 18 May 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

About 6 years ago, I was engaged to be married. Just about everything for the wedding was planned - the date, the place, the band, and the photographer. After an afternoon of probably my 8th time trying on wedding gowns, I came home all excited and said to my then fiancé, "I think I found my dress!! Should I order it?"

He just looked at me and said, "I don't know." I said, "What do you mean you don't know?" His response was, "Well, you really want kids, and I just don't know if I will ever be ready to have a family." I was a teacher - of course I wanted kids!! Well, to make a long story short, we ended up calling off the wedding, and my parents lost about $6,000 because their deposits were non-refundable. I was so mad at hurt at first, but then became grateful that he told me before the wedding, before it was too late.

I know it defies the laws of exes, but we actually stayed close friends up until I met my current boyfriend. Even then we remained friends, and my ex and current boyfriend were even on the same hockey team. My boyfriend knows I'm in love with him and would NEVER EVER get back together with my ex, and because of that, he doesn't mind that we are still friends.

My current relationship is so much better for me - he is so supportive, and helpful, and caring, and loving, and he WANTS a family too. He proposed 3 months ago and our wedding is planned for next summer. My question is, should I invite my ex-fiancé to the wedding?

--Still Friends With My Ex Stacey

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Dear Still Friends With My Ex Stacey--

I'd like to offer you the Mature Adult Award for remaining civil with your ex, but nobody ever said you had to be best friends with the guy!

I'm going to be blunt and say "NO". No - you should NOT invite your ex-fiancé to your wedding. On your wedding day, the declaration of your love and commitment to your real fiancé is the main focus here. You think your fiance really wants your ex to be there on your special day? And what about your parents and close friends? You think they want someone who "hurt" you (not to mention cost them a ton of moolah) to be present on the happiest day of their daughter's/close friends life? No way!

You should also consider how your ex will feel. Probably pretty awkward to say the least. I'm sure everyone in your family knows what happened between the two of you, so let's avoid all the disapproving stares and unnecessary whispers, shall we? Since you are friends with your ex, I'm sure he'll understand that it would be quite inappropriate for him to be there. I hope this helps and congrats!

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Would You Be OK With His Ex Attending Your Wedding?

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 11:00:00 -0700

In case you missed it, Bruce Willis married Emma Heming in Turks and Caicos over the weekend, and as I'm sure you could have guessed, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were in attendance. While I think it's great that Demi and Bruce have been able to maintain a friendship postdivorce, especially for their kids' sake, I don't know if I'd be OK with my new husband's ex-wife attending my wedding. While I know they've both moved on, I think I'd want my wedding to be all about us without having to worry about what his ex is thinking, or being reminded that he's taken the walk down the aisle before. Now that's just my opinion so tell me, would you be all right with your husband's ex-wife attending your wedding?

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You Asked: Can My Ex Forgive Me?

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 12:20:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I dated for three years, and were fairly serious. We had a future mapped out and were practically planning our engagement. However, during those three years there were some major personality clashes I just couldn't ignore. For instance, anytime he pointed out one of my flaws, I'd apologize or try to work on it. Anytime I tried to point out something I didn't like or something that I thought he should work on, he'd say, "If you don't like it, you can leave."

I did finally break up with him, though we're still good friends. But there's one issue that lingered with me after ending things. About three or four times a year he'd get a random message from a girl on MySpace. He has the kind of job that allowed him to just sit there and email her all day. He even met one of the girls once; she came into his work unsolicited. (I explained to him that that's because she saw their frequent conversations as intimate.) And that's what he'd do at least six times an hour, for three or four months, until he got bored with them. He never understood why I was upset about that; it wasn't because he was talking to other girls or that he had "friends," it was the frequency. Every few minutes, every day, for two or three months at a time!

The other day I went with him to celebrate his birthday. One the way home he was texting a girl, as usual. But this time I lost it. I told him that that's exactly why we could never work - he never cared about how I felt or even acknowledged my feelings. I know I broke up with him, and I'm happy with where things are. But even as friends, to see him pulling the same kind of stuff is just so frustrating, and I guess I hit my limit. My question is, do you think I can be forgiven for my behavior? I don't want to be his psycho ex.

- Angry Ex Andrea

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Dear Angry Ex Andrea,

Though I think it's safe to say that yelling at your ex now that things are over isn't exactly productive for your relationship, I don't think that you're the one that should be asking for forgiveness here. While you were together, your ex had inappropriate relationships with other women and when you voiced your concern he proceeded to not only ignore you, but put you down. I can say with some certainty that if anyone should be embarrassed by their behavior, it's him!

From what you describe, breaking up with your boyfriend was a very good decision on your part, and I'm glad to hear that you're not wishing things were different. I have to wonder why you're still willing to be close friends with a person who doesn't seem to care a lot for your emotional well-being. Like I said, snapping at him may not have been productive, but it certainly sounds like he had it coming. Don't worry about his forgiveness! It's time to put some distance between you two and work on surrounding yourself with people who do care about your feelings.

Source

You Asked: I'm Not Ready to Meet His Ex

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I’ve been seeing an absolutely great guy for about a month and a half. We’ve made it clear that we’re both crazy about each other, and I am absolutely certain that this is going somewhere. We haven’t talked about it officially, but through different conversations we’ve had, it seems as though neither of us are seeing other people. I'm just excited to see what happens.

Last weekend we talked about going to a party where some of his friends were going to be, whom I've never met. He also mentioned that his ex-girlfriend would be there. While he didn’t think anything of it, the thought of meeting her made me extremely uncomfortable. All I know about her is that they dated for a couple years, broke up eight months ago, and are still friends. Fortunately we didn’t end up going to the party for other reasons, so I didn't actually have to confront the issue head on.

I don’t care that he has an ex or that he’s friends with her, I’ve just never been in a relationship where an ex was even an issue (I'm only distant friends with one of my exes) - clearly this is all very unfamiliar territory. I feel like it’s a pretty big deal and that we’re just not ready to venture into that realm of our relationship yet. We should be having fun, enjoying each other’s company, having sex three times a day, not meeting exes yet! Is it wrong of me to not want to meet her? I know this is going to come up again, and I don't know how to handle it.

- Looking to Avoid Her Leila

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Dear Looking to Avoid Her Leila,

The ex factor is different for every couple. Some people want to know everything there is to know about their significant other's ex and would be thrilled for the opportunity to meet them, while other people are more like you and just don't feel comfortable knowing that kind of information. If it's something that bothers you this much, I think you should discuss it with the guy you're seeing.

Next time she comes up, casually broach the subject and let him know how you're feeling. It definitely sounds like this is a conversation that needs to be had. It's likely he'll both ease your worries and take a step back on the ex introduction. Keep in mind that it's possible that he was just very excited about introducing you to his friends, which isn't necessarily a bad thing just because his ex is one of them. He might be so over her that he doesn't even see this as being a potential issue. Even if your relationship is undefined, it's never to early to start the process of communication. I hope this helps.

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