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Group Therapy: I'm Feeling Insecure in My Relationship

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 11:00:00 -0700

My current boyfriend who is 28, three years younger than me, just got a job offer with loads of benefits. I was with him through his job search and all of his disappointments. I did everything I could think of to be as supportive as possible, but now I feel insecure. He is making strides in his career, and I have not even started school yet due to setbacks in my life. I intend to be in school come Fall, and I have taken training in a certain career choice.

I guess I feel like he should be with someone on his career level and not me. I'm also scared that he will find someone on his level and realize there is better out there. I'm not saying that I won't reach my goals, but this is nagging at me. We also plan to move in together next year, and I am ashamed to let him know how much I make right now. His income makes mine seem like spare change.

He's younger and already where he should be, and I'm nowhere near where I want to be. And it's not just him. Everyone I know is getting on with their lives. How do I feel better about myself? What is wrong with me? I'm not jealous - I'm happy for all of them, but I just feel worthless. My boyfriend always tells me that I have so much potential, so what's the problem?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Dear Poll: Have Your Body Image Issues Affected a Relationship?

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:16:50 -0700

Even the most beautiful and seemingly perfect women have insecurities about their bodies, especially in the bedroom. I guess it's just part of life as a woman! For some, it's relatively simple to embrace flaws, but insecurities can be crippling for others. Since body image issues affect everyone differently, I'm curious. So tell me, have your insecurities ever affected one of your relationships?

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You Asked: I'm So Paranoid

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for over a year. We have a sturdy relationship except that I'm very insecure about a particular ex of his. When we first got together, they were still friends and he flirted a little with her when he saw her. Since then, he's managed to practically tell me everything about her: how much she pays in rent, her car payment, and many other details that only someone very close to her would know. Every time we're out in public I can't help but notice that he constantly seems to be looking around as if he's waiting for her to walk in.

I used to not be so paranoid! What is wrong with me? This is driving me emotionally crazy. I can't talk to him about any of this because he tells me I'm acting totally irrationally. What can I do?

- Insecure Ingrid

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Insecure Ingrid,

Regardless of whether or not you're just being paranoid, the fact is that you're having a difficult time coping and that alone requires deeper digging. First of all, your husband needs to address your concerns rather than just accuse you of being irrational. Something about his relationship with his ex is negatively affecting you so much that it's damaging your relationship - it should be an easy task for him to simply stop mentioning the details about her life.

As far as what you can do on your own, try not to assume the worst - don't let paranoia turn a simple glance into something more than innocent. If you can work on toning down your suspicions, it will give you the opportunity to listen to your gut - our instincts are the most valuable tool in a relationship if we can just learn how to trust them. If you're still convinced something is going on or if your husband refuses to acknowledge your worries then I would seriously consider seeking the help of a therapist before things get out of hand. Talking it out with a professional may help to reveal specifically where your insecurities are coming from and let you see the whole picture more clearly.

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You Asked: Is He Over His Ex?

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with the man that I plan to marry for a little over a year now. He is a great guy, but something recently happened that I just can't seem to get over. He was married previously, and things ended badly with his wife - she cheated on him. She has been unkind to me, and in the beginning I had to overcome insecurities that he might still be in love with her.

Six months into our relationship I came across some pictures of his ex in a photo album that now contains pictures of me and him. Obviously, I knew he had pictures of her, but something about sharing a photo album made me uncomfortable. I decided to tell him how I felt, and the next day he told me that he threw the pictures away. Yesterday as he was moving some of his things into my home I noticed a box of pictures. Out of curiosity, I began to look through them, and came across the pictures of his ex that he had supposedly thrown away.

I confronted him about it, and though initially defensive, he did eventually apologize. He claims that he doesn't know why he never threw them away. He has assured me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that nothing could change that. I know he loves me, but I don't know how to get over the feeling that he isn't over his ex. Why would he hold onto those pictures? Why would he lie to me? Am I overreacting?

- Picture Phobic Pia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Picture Phobic Pia,

Due to his difficult divorce, it sounds like your relationship has been plagued with insecurity from the get-go. Even if you both love each other, insecurity can easily haunt a relationship and destroy a happy couple. You really have to put these issues to rest before you can consider making a lifelong commitment.

You won't be able to let any of this go if you don't start recognizing that your boyfriend did have a very serious relationship with another woman prior to meeting you and that history can't just be erased. It doesn't mean that he's still in love with his ex or that he doesn't love you, but the reality is that he probably does harbor some feelings towards her, both good and bad. With time those feelings are sure to lessen, but for now, don't let them play a role in your relationship or make you question what you know to be true.

That said I think it's important to always trust your gut. If issues with his ex continue, and you're starting to feel the familiar twinge of concern about his intentions towards you (or her), it's time to lay down the law. He absolutely cannot have both of you, so don't be afraid to tell him so. Love is an amazing thing, but relationships come and go, so take care of yourself first and foremost. Good luck!

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You Asked: I Can't Control My Jealousy

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy and the only problem we have is me - I cannot control my jealousy. I take every look or stare he gives another woman as a demerit to myself, leaving me wondering why I'm not good enough. I know a look is just a look, but I can't help but take it personally. I end up silently holding a grudge until he makes me upset about something unrelated, then I bring it up again. I know I am being stupid and ridiculous, not to mention causing problems in my relationship, but I don't know how to be all right with it. He used to be the one in my shoes, driving me crazy and getting mad over the smallest glance that I'd give to someone else, yet he doesn't seem to understand how I feel. Please tell me how to pull myself together. - Overprotective Onnalee

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Overprotective Onnalee,

It sounds to me like your boyfriend planted some unhealthy fears into your head, which are now getting the best of you. All successful relationships should have a level of trust which outweighs any jealous tendencies, and it's pretty clear that you guys are lacking that variable. While some jealousy is perfectly normal in even the best relationships, picking your battles is crucial so it doesn't create too much bitterness or resentment.

Since you both bring a level of insecurity to the table, something tells me you, or both of you, have been cheated on in the past. Since he used to behave this way toward you, he has to understand how you feel, so have a heart-to-heart with him and talk it out in a calm setting, before a fight ensues. Holding a grudge and using past hurt feelings to prove a point will only create more distance, so if you can't get your jealousy under control on your own, I suggest talking to a therapist about it. As you know, being possessive and insecure can wreak havoc in any relationship, so hopefully you can gain a clear head and move on in your relationship.

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Group Therapy: I'm Feeling Bad About My Interracial Relationship

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I'm currently in an interracial relationship and I'm really annoyed at the odd looks we occasionally receive while out and about. My boyfriend is white and I am Middle Eastern-looking (Turkish/German) so we do have different skin color. I am upset that this seems to matter to some people and it is starting to make me feel bad about myself, and I've always been really proud of my interesting look!

I think this may also be hitting a nerve with me just because my boyfriend previously dated a very standard American-looking girl and I am starting to feel like they looked better together. I don't want my insecurity to affect our relationship, so does anyone have any suggestions on how to get over this? And also maybe what to say to someone who gives us dirty looks?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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You Asked: Is He Trying to Tell Me Something?

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. When it came time to resign our leases last spring, we both did as we knew it was much too soon to live together. He is 27 and pretty much has his life together while I'm 22, have a ton of debt, and am contemplating going back to school.

This week my boyfriend told me that he is seriously considering buying a condo or an apartment. This news really scares me - does this mean we'll never get to live together? I don't really see myself moving into his house and paying his mortgage and it's really starting to stress me out. Am I overthinking this or should I just forget about cohabitation until we are actually considering buying a home together? - Insecure Indy

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Insecure Indy,

I think your reaction is completely normal but just because he's thinking about buying a home, it doesn't necessarily mean you're not being considered in the equation. You said you might be going back to school - would that mean you'd move away? Since your plans are still up in the air, I think it would be best if you talked to your boyfriend before jumping to any conclusions. Open up the lines of communication, let him know where your insecurities lie and make sure to tell him what you want out of this relationship.

Though many people feel it's ideal to get a place together instead of moving into one person's already established home when cohabiting, there is no right or wrong way. If you do end up moving into the place he buys, there are many ways you can divvy up the bills to make things fair. He could pay the mortgage while you pay the utilities and the groceries, or something alone those lines. It's also important to look at this realistically: just because he buys a condo or an apartment, it doesn't mean he's married to it for the rest of his life. Purchasing real estate is always a great investment so before you put labels on your relationship, talk to your boyfriend and make sure you're on the same page.

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You Asked: Is My New Boyfriend Still a Player?

DearSugar — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 17:00:00 -0800

DearSugar --

I am so insecure in my current relationship, but in reality, I know that I am being irrational and ridiculous. I am just getting divorced after a three year marriage from someone that didn't treat me like anything special. My new boyfriend has never done anything to make me doubt him or the way he feels about me and I believe him when he tells me he loves me.

Lately I learned from friends of ours that he was a serial cheater in his last relationship. They all claim that I am "different" and that he's never been this way with a woman before, but I worry that if he was once a dog, he always will be! I just haven't dated in so long, and I don't have it in me to be let down and devastated again. What do you think? --Fragile Frances

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Fragile Frances --

I'm proud that you've broken away from a painful relationship where you weren't treated well or lovingly. Being with someone who doesn't honor how you are special is no way to live or to love. Good for you, Fragile Frances. I can't tell by your note how long you've known or been dating your new boyfriend. Many of us can feel shaky when we begin dating again, most especially after any relationship where our self-worth has taken a blow or our feelings have been exploited. It's also very common for people to struggle with fears of infidelity and jealousy; it requires much effort and self-scrutiny to distinguish between our private demons and our partner's trustworthiness.

We shouldn't presume that people can't change or grow; however, we also don't want to deny facts or patterns when they appear. I'm not sure how irrational or ridiculous it is to feel insecure in your new relationship, especially if it's very new. The information about your boyfriend is troubling; there's no way around that, Frances. I encourage you to go slowly, to pay attention, and to listen to yourself.

A man isn't faithful because a woman is different. A man is faithful, in part, because he has courage, self-respect, self-control, values his word, and can properly imagine the feelings of others. His choices were his own, and not the result of anything about his partner. If his partner mistreated him, he had the choice to leave her, without practicing deceit.

Still, I'm very glad to hear your boyfriend has been treating you well and with love. That said, you are taking a calculated risk here, Frances, and it's important for you to think of it that way. You'll need to manage your anxiety while you get to know him better and until you know he's matured into a man who can tell the truth to himself and to others. If he is that man, he should be applauded. That kind of change is indeed significant and hard-won. No matter what may come, Frances, hold fast to the knowledge that you are different and you are special in your own right. Please respect that truth until the person arrives who can both honor you and honor his commitments.

I recommended a book earlier today -- If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? -- and perhaps it might help you too, Frances. Good luck to you.
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You Asked: Are We Next?

DearSugar — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,
This past weekend two of my boyfriend's close friends broke up with their girlfriends. We have a great relationship and are really close, but I'm worried that as a result of their newly single status, my boyfriend will want to spend more time with the guys and a lot less time with me. These two particular guy friends don't tend to make very good decisions and could potentially pull my boyfriend along for the ride. I don't want his friend's to have a negative impact on our relationship. How can I prevent this from happening?
- Fearful Felicia

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

I think you're being a little paranoid here. You say you and your boyfriend have a great relationship so why are you so concerned? Yes, it's likely that your boyfriend will want to spend time with his buddies now that they are single, but that isn't to say he's going to change the way he feels about you. When in a relationship, it's healthy to spend time with your friends without your significant other. Since these guys sound like derelicts, open up and voice your concerns to your boyfriend. If you keep your insecurities bottled up inside, they're bound to come out in other ways, perhaps ways you don't mean, so it's better to be honest about your concerns.

After you've had a heart to heart, you're going to have to give him the benefit of the doubt. When he's out with his friends, use that time to hang out with yours. Try not to act needy or insecure or he might start to resent you. Chances are he'll be thrilled to come home to you and your relationship after spending time with the guys. Hang in there!

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You Asked: His Insecurities Are Tearing Us Up

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has been cheated on a lot in his past. Now that he's with me, he doesn't know how to trust and he's convinced that I'm going to cheat on him, too. He accuses me of being unfaithful anytime I'm with my friends, even though the thought has never even crossed my mind. I've never cheated before and never intend to, but I can't seem to make him believe me. I care for him deeply but I can't take his constant accusations for much longer. What should I do? - I'm Not Trusted Tanya

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear I'm Not Trusted Tanya,

Being in a relationship with someone that doesn't trust you is a huge problem. Trust, communication, and honesty are three major components to a healthy, successful relationship, and it sounds like all three of those are lacking here. While I understand that your boyfriend has been hurt in the past, he could quite possibly ruin the great relationship he has with you simply out of fear of history repeating itself.

I'd start off by having a serious talk with him. Explain to him that you're not like the other woman he dated before you, and make him understand how much you care for him. Unfortunately nothing you say will make him change his tune overnight, so try to give him as much positive reinforcement as you can. You might also want to suggest that he sees a therapist who can help him work through his insecurities and fears.

I'm not surprised that his accusations are bringing you down, especially when they have absolutely no merit, so if nothing changes after opening the lines of communication, this relationship just might not be what's best for either one of you right now. It's very clear that he has a lot of trust issues to work through, and though you care for him deeply, you deserve to be with someone who takes your word to heart.

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