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Ask an Expat: Can I Tell Her He's Cheating?

TresSugar — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 08:00:26 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, an American living in England dishes advice to a woman who is burdened with the knowledge of another person's infidelity. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

My boyfriend's friend cheats on his girlfriend. It's pretty much common knowledge among the group of friends, but his girlfriend doesn't know. At least I don't think she does. While the girlfriend isn't my best friend, I can't help but feel guilty when I'm around the couple. And I don't want my boyfriend to think I condone the infidelity. What should I do?

Signed,
Feeling Guilty

To see the expat's answer, read more.

Dear Feeling Guilty,

I don't think that you should say anything to your friend's girlfriend. Unfortunately (or fortunately!), their relationship problems aren't yours too.

If you can't let it totally go, you might consider convincing your boyfriend to tell his friend that the cheating makes you guys uncomfortable, especially when you're hanging out as couples. And if being around them still makes you feel guilty, maybe you should simply spend less time with them. It sounds like there might be other things you don't have in common with this couple, or at least the boyfriend.

You should also remember that since you are in a committed relationship, it probably goes without saying that you don't condone cheating. If, however, your boyfriend jokes around about it and seems to condone or support it himself, maybe it's time you and he had a talk about your own relationship and expectations. Good luck!

How Do I Handle This Strip Club Situation?

Tres Community — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:00:15 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

First of all my husband and I have been married for half of a year now. He's in the Navy and just got deployed, but right before the deployment he was sent to Hawaii for one day. I dropped him off at the airport and it was so hard for me to let him go. He called from Hawaii and we talked for five minutes then he said he had to go and he would call back.

As I was checking our bank account to check on the bills I noticed he had paid to go in to some type of club. While crying my eyes out because of how much I already missed him and knowing he wasn't coming home any time soon, I waited for him to call back. When he finally did I got him to tell me the truth and it turned out to be a strip club. This was his first time going into a strip club. The problem is that I feel so offended and disrespected. I know I'm not unattractive, and I'm very open minded in our sex life. So to me it seems as if I'm not enough for him, and that he didn't care about how I feel about strip clubs. The fact that he was lusting over those girls makes me so angry and upset.

To see the rest, .

When we talked I was so mad and disappointed and couldn't stop crying. But after a while I realized that I've been told not to say anything negative or upsetting to him since he was going on deployment to a very stressful environment. I won't be able to talk to him at all while he's gone, I can only send emails but I can't confront him there either. So I had to pretend that I got over it and that I was OK, so he wouldn't feel bad and guilty. But in reality I feel so disgusted and can't take the thought of him wanting someone else. I'm alone and don't have any family here, this is our first deployment and I'm still trying to handle it. He made things so much worse for me, now I'm not just worried about his safety, but also at the thought of when he goes to a port he's going to cheat on me. I'm just hurt and feel resentment towards him, but for as long as he's out I have to pretend I'm fine and support him through the emails. I know some people might think I'm over reacting, but to me this is just like cheating.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

Ask a Southern Belle: Am I Paranoid or Is He Cheating on Me?

TresSugar — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. To help Sick Sommer who isn't sure if she's paranoid or if her boyfriend really is cheating on her, a Southern Belle will offer her common sense advice today. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I have been in a relationship with this guy for three-and-a-half years. For the most part, our relationship has been pretty good. However, over the past five or six months, I have developed a fear of him cheating on me. Ironically, I never had this feeling at any earlier time in our relationship.

I have come to believe that the reason I have developed this fear is because a couple of times over the past few months, I have caught him lying to me about drinking with his guy friends and dipping (two things that he knows I don't approve of). He told me that the reason he lied about those things is because he didn't want me to be upset with him. Since he lied to me about those things, I feel like he might be lying to me about cheating.

Fortunately, he has never given me any reason to think that he is cheating, and he tells me all the time that he loves me so much and that I am the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Even though he tells me all of these sweet things, I still don't trust him and I often accuse him of going behind my back with other girls. He reassures me he would never do that and often becomes very upset that I would think he would hurt me like that. It seems like all day, every day, I constantly think about what he is doing, who he is with, etc. I have literally made myself sick from worrying so much and I am afraid it is going to cost me my health and relationship. I don't know what to do!

- Sick Sommer

To hear what advice a Southern Belle has to give, read more

Dear Sick Sommer:

Well bless your heart!

When I was a young woman, I heard a story about a little girl walking toward a bridge. She encountered a snake who asked for her help in crossing the river. The girl demurred, saying, “You are a snake; you will bite me.” The snake told a sad story about being misunderstood and promised to do no harm. The trusting girl picked up the snake and carried him across the bridge, whereupon he bit her. She cried out, “You promised you would not hurt me! Why? Why?” As the snake slithered away, he said, “You knew what I was when you picked me up.”

In light of this little tale, ask yourself a couple of questions. Have you had this fear of being cheated on with other boyfriends? If so, perhaps you are sabotaging this relationship with your accusations. Or, have you picked other guys whose bad habits you immediately tried to fix? Why, after three-and-a-half years, do you not have trust in this man?

People, as snakes, rarely change, no matter how much their partners want it. The question of trust may only be in your mind, but if you cannot trust this guy after three-and-a-half years and he is still doing things of which you do not approve, one of you might want to slither away.

Signed,

A Southern Belle

Talking New Moon With Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene

BuzzSugar — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:15:50 -0800

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner may be dominating the promotional circuit right now, but they're not the only cast members with something to say about New Moon. I had the opportunity to chat with costars Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene, aka Emmett and Alice Cullen, during their recent stopover in SF. They chatted about their characters, the vampire craze, and what it's like to be a "Twilight celebrity." Here are highlights:

On why so many people are crazy for the Twilight Saga:
Ashley: I think this film in particular is highly relatable. There are a lot of situations that people can relate to. The love story - everyone can relate to being in love or being in lust. You add the vampire, and it adds that next level fantasy. Vampires are mysterious and sensual and dangerous and unattainable. And everyone wants what they can't have. I think on another level that this came together at the perfect time. All the elements just fit, the casting was spot on, and we're in a difficult time right now with our economy. That's why you never have a drop in ticket sales because everyone wants an escape, and this movie is very much an escape from reality.
Kellan: It's a good escape but also it deals with so many situations, on so many positive notes. Just looking at it from the vampire coven to the wolf pack. It just deals with everyday issues just on bigger levels, in a way. And you have Bella as the keystone in many situations. You can just all relate from different countries to issues within the United States. It's easily relatable.

To read a lot more about working with three different directors and why they feel so lucky, just read more.

On how their portrayals of the Cullens are similar or different from the books:
Kellan: We got the jobs because we brought something new to it. You can interpret the characters each their own, but I think it's what we did alongside. Just like Kristen said - she's playing Bella but she's putting her Kristen spin on it, just like all of us are. And I think that's what's making it unique. We're still following the cheat sheets that Stephenie created by making the books, and there's Wikipedia. We have a lot of information to go off of. But I hope it's what I did in my audition that set it apart from the other guys trying out.

Ashley: I think it's mannerisms too. People do fall in love with this book, but I think part of it is that they always want more. You can't write out every human mannerism. You can imagine it, but seeing the emotion in someone's eyes and seeing them be affected it - it was kind of easy to give something to it, because we were just being people. We kinda just got lucky.
On how much more of the Cullens we can expect in the remaining movies:
Kellan: Realistically, we stick pretty close to the books. Obviously us Cullens would love to be in the books a lot more, which would mean we'd be in the movies a lot more. Talking New Moon, the scenes that the Cullens - except for Ashley, playing Alice who gets to go to Italy and be a main lead in the movie - us Cullens, we have to stick really close to the books, and the scenes that we're in are really crucial to the story, as you know - the birthday scene, the voting scene. I don't know, it was kind of a tease. Chris Weitz is such an amazing director, and for us, for myself - I only worked about a week on that movie. And it didn't even seem like I really got a taste for what it was.

Ashley: In the third film, you'll see a lot more of the Cullens because it's all of us collaborating and then getting ready to fight this war that's coming up. In the second one, my character got a much larger role because Alice is the Cullen, other than Edward, that really embraces Bella and they end up becoming best friends. In the beginning, you see her throw this huge party for Bella, and then Alice is the one who does, in fact, come back for Bella when everyone else decides to skip town. Alice is responsible for dragging Bella over to Italy, and she and I the whole time are fighting to save my brother's life. And then of course we get held up by the Volturi and stuff like that. My character got to grow a lot, which is really cool. You get to actually see the relationship develop between Bella and Alice, where in the first one you didn't. The first one was very much about the romance and showing the audience why these two people are willing to die for each other.
On working with a different director on each film:
Ashley: Each director is going to be very different. They're artists as well, and I don't think any of them are quite the same. The books, when you read them, all have very, very, different tones. So I think it's highly appropriate that we switch directors each go. The first one is very much a romance and is a very scenic, beautiful film. And Catherine's really, really great at capturing that. She's very high energy and works well in chaos and stuff like that. And it was fantastic because we didn't quite know what we were getting ourselves into, and so it was nice to have her to guide us when we were freaking out a little bit. She was just so high energy, and it was really contagious. We were sad to lose her and move on to the second film, but then we got Chris Weitz and he's the complete opposite! But great as well. He's so giving and caring and collaborative and created this atmosphere that was kind of a safe haven for us. And it was really nice because we didn't know, switching directors, if they were gonna embrace us or if they had a completely different vision than what we created in the first one. It was nice that he was right there on the same page with us. And the second one is a warmer film, even from the color scheme. The first one is very blue tones, and the second one is much richer and warmer and I think he did a great job at capturing that. And we just finished shooting with David Slade, and I think he's highly appropriate as well. He just finished shooting 30 Days of Night and Hard Candy, and they're both very dark, edgy films. And Eclipse is very much that. It's all centered around the anticipation and us getting ready to fight this huge war. We just finished filming, we haven't gotten to see much of it, but I think it's gonna be fantastic. He is, technically, the most advanced director. The angles that he shot and how he knows that tweaking something can affect a whole scene and the lenses. He was really nice to work with.
On coping with the fan effect and being a "Twilight celebrity"
Kellan: That's what blows my mind, 'cause I feel like it's really unearned in a way. The fans are making our careers. Without them, we wouldn't be working and doing the saga. There's so many times that trilogy books become a movie and the first one bombs, and then that's it. And you're always hopeful that you get to do them all. Especially since we're all in love with our characters. I love Emmett Cullen to death, he's my favorite character I've ever played. It's just so cool to have made it this far, and I think we all hope that we get to finish this series and do Breaking Dawn. This is such a blessing, it's every actor's dream to be part of something like this. It's not terribly hard either. We don't shoot halfway around the world; we don't shoot for a year of our lives. I know a lot of us have homes, we have pets, we have family. And it's really nice to shoot on the West Coast, either Portland or Vancouver, and have the chance to fly down if we need to. But it's definitely amazing to be part of something like this. And I don't think any of us knew how crazy it would be and how exhilarating it would turn out to be. Going to the premiere, really just, wow. I don't even remember it because I was really just starstruck by how many fans and signs and cameras. It felt like I was just walking through a strobe light room. It's amazing.

Ashley: I still think we can't really wrap our heads around what's going on and what's happening. We're still in the midst of filming and kept very busy from one film until the next. It's only these brief moments where you sit back and are actually able to take a breath where you go "Whoa. Wow. This is crazy." I mean, the amount of tickets they've already sold for New Moon - I'm pretty sure I can't even get a ticket if I tried to see my film in Jacksonville and it's mind boggling. We're just very lucky. I went into this film thinking "Oh my gosh, I got a job" and the it turned into the biggest break of my life. I think we all feel very blessed to be a part of this.
On how it feels to be part of Twilight fan fiction:
Kellan: It's an escape, in a way. We do live in a trivial time period right now. There's so much depression that it's kinda cool to be a part of something where people use it to be an escape. In a way that's kinda what Stephenie did -she had a dream and just elaborated on it. It became a huge success and it's really encouraging that people are doing the same and just making up this journey.

Ashley: That's why people love it so much I think. You can take it and make what you want of it. Before the demographic was teenage girls, but now it's women of every age and guys are starting to get into it, too. It's because there is that element of fantasy. If you're 8 years old you look at it one way; if you're 80 years old you look at it another. I think it's fantastic that we can draw such a huge crowd. The other thing is - it blows my mind but people are making connections over this film and over this book. there are mothers and daughters and grandmas who can all sit and talk about the same story and all fantasize about it and I think that's a really cool thing. I think it's rare.

To see all of our Twilight and New Moon coverage, check out TwilightSugar!

Facebook Status Message Proves Teen's Innocence

GeekSugar — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 01:43:52 -0800

While some may consider frivolous Facebook status updates annoying, there's definitely one New York City teen who probably doesn't agree. He was recently arrested and charged with robbery, but charges were dropped once he was able to prove his alibi - via a Facebook status message. The teen claimed he was miles from the scene of the crime as it happened, but no one could corroborate the story. . .until his lawyer mentioned the Facebook status update, posted at the time of the robbery.

The district attorney subpoenaed Facebook to verify the computer's location at the time of the status update. When his IP address was revealed proving he was indeed miles away, the charges were dropped. With the increasing popularity of sharing (and oversharing) on social networking sites, I imagine we'll be hearing more and more stories like this. According to the article:

"'This is the first case that I’m aware of in which a Facebook update has been used as alibi evidence,' said John G. Browning, a lawyer in Dallas who studies social networking and the law. 'We are going to see more of that because of how prevalent social networking has become.'"

To keep reading my thoughts about this story, just read more.

So, add "proof of innocence" to the list of things Facebook can do for you. Though I can't help but be reminded of this story from a few months ago, when a Facebook poke landed a woman in jail. And how many times have we heard of a cheating spouse or partner getting busted via Facebook? It's about time someone's Facebook use proves their innocence!

You Asked: How Can I Know if He's Cheating?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and two months. He's a wonderful man, but I've been noticing some strange things that lead me to believe that he might be cheating on me. For example, he doesn't want me to see his phone, and before he used to have a picture of me on his phone wallpaper, but suddenly he has a picture of himself instead.

Just yesterday we were at the beach having a great time when he decided to check his voicemail. I was close enough that I could hear the messages, which were clearly left by another woman - he just smiled while he listened. I have no problem with him having female friends, but what was particularly off-putting was that when he was done listening, he said, "It was the guys." I've known my boyfriend long enough to have built a wall of trust between us, but all these little things lead me to think that maybe he might be cheating. He says he loves me very much, but I'm starting to doubt him. Does this mean that he is cheating on me or will be soon?

- Doubting Darla

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Doubting Darla,

I wish I could tell you with certainty whether or not your boyfriend is cheating on you, but obviously I can't. I will say, however, that if you've been dating for over two years and you're suddenly feeling uncomfortable about certain things, don't ignore your instincts. Regardless of whether or not he's engaging in any kind of intimate relationship outside of your own, there's something about his behavior that's making you feel insecure. And sudden insecurity in an otherwise healthy relationship is definitely a red flag.

Ask your boyfriend what's going on; you don't have to accuse him of cheating, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell him that for the first time in your relationship, you're doubting his honesty. Once you confront him, your boyfriend can handle it one of four ways: he can offer a completely reasonable explanation; he can tell you that you're imagining things; he can get defensive; or he can admit to doing something behind your back. Unfortunately, aside from the last, none of these offer a 100 percent guarantee of truth, but I do think you can use his reaction to get a better sense of things. In the end, my best recommendation is to follow your instincts; usually there's a reason they're trying to tell you something.

Source

You Asked: Is He Cheating on Me?

DearSugar — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I got married last September and ever since then, my relationship with my husband has completely changed. He has been wanting to do more and more things without me and he is just simply not the same man I thought he was. I have seen large receipts from the ATM and he has no accountability for where this money has gone. I'm just baffled, and have been suspecting another woman.

I was surfing the web and came across a quiz about cheating spouses. It sounds exactly like my husband, and according to my results, it says that most likely he's cheating on me. My question is should I actually hire a private investigator to find out the truth? Or should I just let his behavior continue? We've only been married for six months and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life like this. - Being Deceived Dede

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Being Deceived Dede,

I'm so terribly sorry that you're struggling with this, especially so soon into your marriage. Since you have no proof that your husband has been unfaithful, you're going to have to follow your female intuition, but instead of hiring a private investigator, I suggest you talk to him ASAP. Confront him and ask him outright if he's been with another woman. Don't accept any excuses, provide him with all the evidence you have, and try to be as rational as you can.

If he admits to your assumptions, you need to figure out how you want to proceed. This doesn't have to be a decision that's made overnight, but I agree with you, you should not have to live the rest of your life like this. When you take a marriage vow, it's assumed that both husband and wife will take that oath to heart, so if he's not living up to his end of the bargain, it might be a blessing in disguise that you found out sooner rather than later. I hope this is all a misunderstanding, but if it's not, continue to be strong and lean on your friends and family for support. Good luck to you.

Source

You Asked: Is he Cheating?

DearSugar — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
I think my brother might be cheating on his wife. They have a 3 month old baby so this makes it even more painful. I overheard him having a conversation on his phone-talking in a low tone similar to ones I overheard months ago when it turned out he had been cheating when his wife was pregnant. I walked into the room and he kept on talking like it was no big deal, basically asking how the other person spent the previous day. Should I confront him about my suspicions? I haven't been able to trust him since the first time he cheated or am I being overprotective and paranoid? -- Worried Wendy

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Worried Wendy --

Since your trust level has already plummeted from past behavior, could you be jumping to conclusions here? The fact that he continued his conversation after you entered the room makes me think he was simply using his inside voice rather than his "cheating voice." Was he acting like himself later that day? Has he been uncomfortable around you since?

Cheating is not OK, but this marriage isn't yours, it's your brother's, and you might not have all the information. I don't know the nature of your relationship and how involved you were after finding out he cheated, so if you don't want to tarnish the relationship that you currently have with him, I advise you to stay mum. If you feel it in your heart of hearts that he is up to no good, keep one eye open and if you gain information that backs up your suspicions, then, and only then have a talk with him. I with you luck and hope that you are just being paranoid after all.

Source

You Asked: He Cheated and Gave Me a STD

DearSugar — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar

I just found out that my fiance cheated on me and gave me a STD. I love him and I want to be with him, but I just don't know if I can trust or forgive him. I don't know what to do - I don't want my son to have a broken home but I can't tell if I will ever be able to move past this. Please help. - I Was Cheated Wendy

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear I Was Cheated Wendy,

I am so sorry to hear about this Wendy. Cheating is one thing, but cheating and risking the health of someone you love is just absolutely unacceptable. When you're in a committed, loving relationship, it's imperative to be truthful with one another and he completely deceived you so I don't blame you for feeling confused.

You say you don't think you can trust the man that you plan on making your husband, so I think you already know the answer to your question. Although you don't want your son to have a broken home, you both might be better off if you end this relationship before saying I do. You deserve respect and commitment from the man you're with so if I were you, I'd put your health and your son first. He knew what he was risking by cheating, so although you love him, you need to love yourself more. Good luck.

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Tell Her He's Cheating?

DearSugar — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0800

DearSugar and Stuck in the Middle May need your help. She knows her friend's fiance has cheated on her, but she doesn't know if she should butt in and tell her the truth. It's a complicated situation, but what would you do?

Dear Sugar,

In the past year I have become very close with my boyfriend's friends' girlfriends. They are now great friends of mine who I talk to all the time and hang out with regularly when the guys aren't around. One of the girls has been dating my boyfriend's best friend for about seven years, and they are engaged to be married. The only problem is he has cheated on her many times over the course of their relationship and slept with numerous other women. It's been kind of a "don't ask don't tell" situation, but all the guys are in on it. I'm technically not supposed to know this information, but my boyfriend told me in confidence before she and I became close. I'm actively helping her plan the wedding but I just can't shake the guilt I feel for knowing this and not telling her.

She is a great girl and does not deserve to marry someone who has cheated on her countless times. Supposedly he has stopped, but who really knows for sure? I want her to know what she's getting herself into before she commits to marriage and has her parents spend thousands of dollars on a wedding, but I know the damage I would cause by speaking up. I want to be a loyal friend, but I don't want to stir the pot. Should I tell or not? - Stuck in the Middle May

Source