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Ask an MBA Student: Is It OK For My Boyfriend to See His Ex?

TresSugar — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:00:44 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a guy working on his MBA tries to help out a woman nervous about her boyfriend's ex. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:
My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend just moved back in town and he wants to hang out with her. She's going to stop by his house this week so they can catch up. They broke up a couple of years ago, but they dated for a few years so this sort of makes me uncomfortable. Can I tell him that I don't want them to be friends? I don't know whether I should be upset or just let it go.

Signed,
Nervous

To read the MBA student's advice, read more.

Dear Nervous,

My advice is to let them hang out and catch up initially. It's natural for friends who haven't seen each other to meet up; there is nothing to worry about. I think it might be a good idea for you to be there, if your boyfriend is OK with that. If this is truly a friend situation, he shouldn't have a problem with you being there, and if the ex-girlfriend is moving back into town then she should want to get to know you. After they catch up, the novelty might go away and they might never see each other again as people change. However, if they continue to hang out and see each other a lot, you can let him know that it makes you uncomfortable. He should respect your wishes and tone it down.

Signed,
An MBA Student

You Asked: I Can't Control My Jealousy

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy and the only problem we have is me - I cannot control my jealousy. I take every look or stare he gives another woman as a demerit to myself, leaving me wondering why I'm not good enough. I know a look is just a look, but I can't help but take it personally. I end up silently holding a grudge until he makes me upset about something unrelated, then I bring it up again. I know I am being stupid and ridiculous, not to mention causing problems in my relationship, but I don't know how to be all right with it. He used to be the one in my shoes, driving me crazy and getting mad over the smallest glance that I'd give to someone else, yet he doesn't seem to understand how I feel. Please tell me how to pull myself together. - Overprotective Onnalee

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Overprotective Onnalee,

It sounds to me like your boyfriend planted some unhealthy fears into your head, which are now getting the best of you. All successful relationships should have a level of trust which outweighs any jealous tendencies, and it's pretty clear that you guys are lacking that variable. While some jealousy is perfectly normal in even the best relationships, picking your battles is crucial so it doesn't create too much bitterness or resentment.

Since you both bring a level of insecurity to the table, something tells me you, or both of you, have been cheated on in the past. Since he used to behave this way toward you, he has to understand how you feel, so have a heart-to-heart with him and talk it out in a calm setting, before a fight ensues. Holding a grudge and using past hurt feelings to prove a point will only create more distance, so if you can't get your jealousy under control on your own, I suggest talking to a therapist about it. As you know, being possessive and insecure can wreak havoc in any relationship, so hopefully you can gain a clear head and move on in your relationship.

Source

You Asked: Can I Move on From This Deception?

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. He is an amazing boyfriend; in fact, I've never dated a guy like this before. About six months into our relationship, his ex became a problem. She called him constantly, along with text messages and emails. I had no problem with it in the beginning, because she's never been a threat to me, until I found out that he hadn't even told her about me! Instead, he was telling her he missed her, and on a couple of occasions, he even saw her.

I honestly felt bad for this girl because it was clear that he was stringing both of us along - I knew it wasn't solely her fault. When I confronted him, he claimed that he was over her, but I've lost all trust. He is an amazing guy, but I feel like he's been withholding the truth about our relationship since day one. Can I overcome this? I've never been a jealous person and I don't want to turn into one now, but I have no idea how to conquer this problem. - Deceived Dianna

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Deceived Dianna,

To be completely honest, I'm not sure this deception is worth moving past. Not only did he allow his ex to continue to contact him, but he crossed the line when he told her he missed her while in a relationship with you - that's cheating in my book! When the trust is broken in any relationship, a serious decision has to be made as to whether you can truly forgive and move on. If you hold on to your anger, or if you feel like he's still not being trustworthy, it'll just be a matter of time until your jealousy and doubt creates a rift that can't be fixed.

People make mistakes in relationships all the time, so if you believe that he's truly sorry, over her, and willing to change, give him another shot, but you'll have to be the judge of that. He could be the greatest guy in the world, Dianna, but what's important is how he treats you, and from the sound of it, he hasn't been respecting you or your relationship. Good luck.

Source

Overcoming Jealousy

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 11:00:00 -0700

We've all been there. That angry, envious, kind of sad and resentful feeling that builds up inside us when we see our boyfriend talking to his gorgeous new neighbor. Or if a co-worker gets the promotion you should have gotten. Jealously is a horrible feeling, and it can turn us into mean and obnoxious people. Even though these feelings are normal and sometimes unavoidable, we can end up doing or saying something we regret later.

Being jealous is not an attractive personality trait, and it has a lot to do with our own insecurities about how confident we feel about ourselves, our abilities, or our relationships. Here are some tips on overcoming jealousy:

If you are feeling jealous, and it has to do with a friend or boyfriend giving someone else attention, talk to them about it. Many times people are unaware of how their actions make others feel, so being honest is always a safe road to travel.
Lack of trust may be causing you to have jealous feelings. If your boyfriend goes out without you and you're worried about other girls or that he may not make all the right decisions, your jealousy is only a symptom. Take those feelings as signs that it's time to get to the root of these fears.

Want to hear the other tips? Then read more

Fear of getting hurt is another reason many people get jealous. Perhaps an ex left you for someone else, or a girlfriend or family member broke your trust -- because it has happened in the past, it doesn't necessarily mean it will happen again. Emotions such as depression, anger and hurt can be masks of jealousy so make sure to keep the lines of communication open
We all have insecurities about ourselves, but if you let your self-conscience get the best of you, you'll always be jealous of other people and their happiness. Focus on building up your self-esteem, and make healthy changes that will make you feel better about yourself. When you feel confident and happy about your life, you'll be less likely to constantly compare yourself to others.
Focus on the positive. Maybe you're jealous that someone makes more money than you, or someone has a better job, or a happier marriage - whatever it is - try to focus on what you do have and remember, you can't always judge a book by its cover

Dear's Advice: If by chance your jealous feelings get out of hand and you yell at someone or do something you regret, it's never to late to make amends. Apologize to the person and explain why you acted that way and be understanding if the shoe is on the other foot.

Source

You Asked: How Can I Stop Sabotaging My Relationship?

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I need your help. I am sabotaging my own relationship and I can't seem to stop. I am very much in love and for the most part, we have a wonderful relationship - we get along great, we laugh, our interests are the same, we want the same things for our future, etc. The only problem is I'm extremely jealous. I get myself so upset over the possibility of him with another girl, even if they are just friends and I feel like such a hypocrite because I have many male friends. I want so badly to be confident in our relationship, but instead I doubt him and accuse him and push him away. I just don't know what to do or where to turn and I am even getting on my own nerves! Why can't I change this mindset? Why can't I believe in what we have rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop? It's a miserable way to live so please tell me what I can do to change my way of thinking. - Paranoid Paulina

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Paranoid Paulina,

Something tells me you have been hurt in a previous relationship, which is why you are being so over protective in this one. The thing about jealousy is you can get yourself carried away and really damage your relationship. Has your boyfriend ever given you any reason to doubt him? Since you have male friends, have you ever crossed the line with any of them? If so, you could have some feelings of guilt that is making you think he's doing the same thing. If none of these situations have occurred, I suggest talking to someone about your jealous tendencies. If he's feeling the need to constantly defend himself, you will eventually push him away for good.

It's not uncommon for people to sabotage their relationships because they don't feel they deserve to be loved or happy, but the thing is Paulina, you do deserve happiness. Waiting for the other shoe to drop can't make you feel very secure so I'd start with being honest with your boyfriend about your fears and again, I highly suggest talking to a therapist so you can work past your jealous mindset. Hang in there and hopefully you can get to the bottom of this sooner than later. Good luck.

Source

Do Tell: How Do You Overcome Jealousy?

DearSugar — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 10:00:00 -0800

Jealousy can bring out the worst in people. Whether you get steamed because your boyfriend has a late-night meeting with a pretty co-worker, or your good friend chose someone else to be her maid of honor, those hurt feelings can, in turn, make us do and say things to jeopardize our relationships. I find that being calm and honest with the person is the best approach, because if I followed through with my initial response, I'd probably end up regretting it. As human beings, we can't help but feel jealous from time to time, so how do you deal with these overwhelming feelings?

Source

Group Therapy: How Do I Befriend Other Women?

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 14:00:00 -0700

I never had a close relationship to my adopted mother, and I never knew my birth mother. I have one older sister who I have never been close to, and I was home-schooled kindergarten through high school, so I never developed close female friendships or did the normal girl stuff as a kid. Now, at 24 years old, I have a lot of trouble relating to other women. I want to have close female friends, but usually when I'm around women, I feel irrationally jealous and antagonistic toward them because they seem so much more together than me.

It leads to jealousy in my relationship too; I get really jealous when any woman talks to my wonderful boyfriend who I know would never cheat on me. I guess I just have trouble reading other women's motives. How can I get over this? How do I go about making friends with women? It seems like the only ones I ever meet are b*tchy and look down on me because I never went to a dance and I wear jeans and t-shirts every day.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Source

Do Tell: Have You Ever Been Jealous of a Friend's Engagement?

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

When you're in a relationship and ready to take that next step, waiting for him to get down on bended knee can feel like an eternity. But if a friend gets engaged before you, it can make the waiting game even more unbearable. I've never been in the engagement race before, and while I know it's not about who gets a ring first, I do know that jealousy can easily get the best of you. One would expect someone's first reaction to a friend's engagement to be that of excitement and joy, but if you're waiting in the wings for your time to shine that reaction could be resentment instead. Of course you can't help how you feel, so do tell, have you ever been secretly disappointed by your friend getting engaged before you?

Source

You Asked: Why Does he Still Have her Things?

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I am 27 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for about a year. Before me, he went out with a girl for a year and a half. He recently moved into a new apartment, but before he moved, I would constantly find her clothes hidden around the house. I know he didn't know that they were there but it still really hurt. To make matters worse, I found that he has kept a birthday gift from her and keeps it hidden in a drawer. Also, I know they talk sporadically and he keeps whatever correspondence he has with her a total secret. Basically, I feel like he is protecting their relationship from me.

He knows I get very jealous but I think he feeds off feeling wanted. Am I overreacting by feeling that he should throw out the birthday gift and not talk to her anymore? Or at least not keep everything about her a secret? -- Jealous Jessie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Jealous Jessie --

Yes, it does sound like jealousy is getting the best of you, but the way he keeps their communication a secret, I don't blame you! While it's still up for debate if it's a good idea to remain friends with an ex, if your boyfriend knows it makes you feel uneasy and insecure, he should either stop communicating with her altogether or he should be open and honest with you when they do talk. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how his actions are making you feel? He is not a mind reader, so if you haven't vocalized your feelings he won't realize how hurt you are.

I think it's OK for him to keep the birthday gift she gave him - I'm sure you have some keepsakes from past boyfriends as well - but the clothes around the house after being broken up for over a year and a half is unacceptable. It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with him so you can be happy in this relationship. You need to be able to trust him 100% and know that you are the only woman in his life. If he still makes you feel second best to his past, you might be better off without him as your mate. Good luck.

Source

Has Facebook Ever Made You Jealous?

GeekSugar — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:43:55 -0700

Don't lie - you've felt the little green-eyed monster emerge when you've seen a strange friend request from someone of the opposite sex or a flirtatious message on the wall of your significant other.

It doesn't take a study to confirm that the network can make you a little off-balanced, but one has: the CyberPsychology & Behavior Journal found that among a group of Facebook-using college students, it increased relationship jealousy coincided with marked use of Facebook. (For a satirical example, watch the Facebook manners video).

Certain factors include the accessibility of information - which I particularly agree with, because if your partner is at work or in class and having a chat with someone else, you would never know and not care. But if it was plastered on his wall, you may be a little bothered. The other important point the study cited is over the lack of context of what you see on Facebook - all those girls on your crush's page could be family, for all you know.

So tell me - have you or someone you know ever experienced Facebook-induced jealousy?