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DearSugar Needs Your Help: How Can This Long Distance Relationship Stay Fresh?

DearSugar — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Keeping the Flame Alive Franny need your help. She recently rekindled her high school romance and couldn't be happier, but since they are carrying on a long distance relationship while he's in medical school, she's having a hard time keeping the sparks alive. If any of you have been in a long distance relationship, she could use any tips you've got up your sleeve so that the flame doesn't burn out!
Dear Sugar,
I just recently ran into my high school sweetheart after six years of being apart, and we totally hit it off. We had broken up senior year because we were just too young for our relationship, and the next step was engagement. When we ran into each other, neither of us were expecting to fall back in love, but that's just what happened! Fast forward three months and everything is still great, except that he is in a different city at medical school. Once again, hooray, he's going to be a doctor and save lives, but his life is so one dimensional - sitting in the library for 10 plus hours a day. Since he's so into school, I feel a lot of pressure to bring the excitement to the relationship, which can be a big burden.

I want to be with him, and I'm not even thinking about ending it, but how do I keep the long distance relationship interesting without having to be "Miss Sunshine" all the time about a situation that bums me out just as much as it does him? Do you have any advice on how I can make this work?

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You Asked: Is This Relationship Going to Work?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I live over 3,000 miles from my boyfriend (he goes to school in New York, I go to school in Colorado), and well, it's difficult to say the least. We have a really good relationship for being so far away and I love him with all my heart, but I just don't know if it's wise to stay in this relationship and wait for him for four years to see if things will work.

We talk constantly about getting married, but he wants to save money and propose with the ring of my dreams. I could actually care less if we get married with rings or without, i just want to marry him. Should I be worried that he won't propose until after landing a decent paying job or is he putting off our engagement because he really doesn't want to ask me? - At a Loss Annie

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Dear At a Loss Annie,

Something tells me that since you're questioning whether or not your boyfriend is worth waiting for, that you aren't as ready to make a life long commitment to him as you might think you are. Sure, long distance relationships are tough, especially when you're still in school, but if you're both willing to put forth the effort to make it work, meaning open lines of communication, honesty and a lot of travel, it can be done. My advice to you is to not sweat the future just yet. If it's simply too hard to be happy with the distance between you, perhaps you should cool things off until you're able to live in the same city. If you want to stay together, let him know how much you love him regardless of what kind of ring you wear.

Take a step back and listen to what your heart is saying. It's easy to get carried away with thinking about the future, but try to stay present and enjoy the relationship you have now. If you do end up together, you have your entire lives to be married so enjoy the fun of dating while you can. Good luck.

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You Asked: We're Long Distance, So Who Should Move?

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I met my now girlfriend in college. Shortly after meeting she left to study abroad, and I graduated and moved back home to Arizona. When she returned, we saw each other a few times and out of nowhere started talking on the phone. Here we are in a long-distance relationship three years later. In the beginning, I had anticipated moving back to LA, where she's from, but she ended up going to law school, so we put all talks on hold until she graduated.

About a year into our relationship, my father's start-up company took off and he asked me to come help him, giving me the title of VP and providing an ownership stake in the company. Since then, the company has continued to do very well and is now a multimillion dollar company. I absolutely love my job as it was always my dream to own my own business. My girlfriend recently got a job offer from one of the top firms in the nation, in California. She also received a job offer, although not quite as lucrative or with as good a company here in Arizona.

She wants to further her career and wants me to move out there. I have no job offer from any company in California, and I'm not really sure what I would do there. Outside of this little problem, our relationship is fantastic. I am sure that she is the one for me. I did tell her in the beginning that I would move out there, but so many things have changed since then. I'm not sure what to do now. Any advice?

- States Away Scott

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Dear States Away Scott,

From what you describe it sounds like you and your girlfriend have done a truly amazing job of balancing your relationship and your individual goals, even with the demands of being long distance. Now that you've hit the tipping point, it seems to me that you have two clear choices: You can move out to California and abandon your job or you guys can continue how you have been until something gives.

If you decide to pursue the former, beware of resentment issues that may to take root once you're in California. If you don't think that you can quell them, then I urge you to put off moving until you have another job or until you're ready to leave your current company. The same stands if your girlfriend decides to take that job in Arizona. You each need to be ready to make the move with confidence and the knowledge that if you're relationship doesn't work out, you won't have thrown away everything else.

Should you guys decide to stay in your respective states and maintain your relationship then I think it's time to discuss a long-term plan. It's true that neither of you can guarantee where you'll be emotionally or careerwise in another two years, but it's time to come up with a mutual goal and begin to work towards it together. And yes, it will take some compromises from both of you. If neither of you are willing to sacrifice then it may be time to consider whether or not you're truly in the right relationship.

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You Asked: Did I Get Played?

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a long-distance relationship for seven months now. I just went to visit him for a week, and it was the most wonderful time of my life. We each felt as though we were an old married couple already, and we were making plans for me to visit again. We were very much in love (or so I thought) up until a couple of weeks ago when he stopped contacting me and basically told me not to bother contacting him.

I found out through a mutual friend that he asked a girl out from his work last week; apparently he's had feelings for her for a while. The same guy who left me a heart-wrenching voicemail while I was flying home, telling me how much he missed me, is now apparently dating someone else! I don't know what to do. I keep thinking I did something wrong while I was there, but my friends are telling me I got played. I really thought he was the one for me and I don't want to give him up, but I don't know how to handle this situation if he won't talk to me. Should I just wait it out or give up? - Baffled Brenda

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Dear Baffled Brenda,

After reading your note, I can't help but feel like something is missing here. If you're feeling the same way, I'm inclined to say that you were unfortunately played. Like you, I'm not sure how someone can go from hot to cold so fast, but he did, so the best thing you can do is move on. This man sounds very manipulative, and though I'm not privy to your weekend together, I can almost guarantee his decision to turn his back on you is not a result of something you've done. I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating not to have answers to your questions, but you'll be better off without this man in your life.

Sometimes we get lucky in love and sometimes we don't, but try not to let this break your spirit. He clearly wasn't the right one for you, but someone else out there is. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Who Should I Date?

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I met a guy recently who I see every week as part of a social running group. We ended up doing a recruitment project together and we hooked up twice. After the second hook-up session, he told me he "kind of" has a girlfriend in an on-again off-again relationship who lives far away. He told me he wasn't sure what was going on with them, but he said he really enjoys spending time with me. I really like him, but I don't want to put myself out there since I know he is attached. At the same time, I'm worried that if I start dating other guys, and he decides he wants to date me, I could end up hurting someone else.

There is also another guy who I have known for a few years, who I think is interested in me. He unfortunately lives four hours away from me so I don't know what to do. Should I keep seeing guy number one but not hook up with him anymore in the hopes that he realizes how good we are together, or date guy number two and see what happens with him? - Options Olive

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Dear Options Olive,

From what you're telling me, it sounds like you're trying to decide between the better of two not-so-great situations. Since guy number one is playing games, I'd talk to him about the future of his on-again off-again relationship - perhaps he's just holding onto her for security. If he can't give you a straight answer, I think you should move on - you don't want him to continue giving you false hope.

If guy number two is really someone you think you could date, truly take the distance between you into consideration. Long distance relationships are tough, so if you're pushing something with him just to have a boyfriend, you might want to think about holding off until you meet someone close by.

Relationships should come naturally, so try not to push matters of the heart. Be true to yourself and your feelings and everything will fall into place.

Source

You Asked: He Constantly Tells Me I Can Do Better

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. It's a long distance relationship and it's not always easy, but he makes me happy. There have been times, though, when he tells me that I could "do better" than him. I'll admit, he's not the greatest boyfriend sometimes, but who's perfect? The distance (2,200 miles) and the time difference (three hours) doesn't help either, and with such factors, it's sometimes hard to make time for each other. Even if he thinks I deserve better, shouldn't I get to choose to be with him for as long as he wants to be with me? I hate it when he tells me that and I hate it even more when he does things to push me away. I'm really happy, but I don't know if this relationship can work if he keeps thinking like this. How do I get him to stop? Can I get him to stop? What should I do? - Settling Sally

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Dear Settling Sally,

I'm sure this isn't the answer you want to hear, but it sounds to me like your boyfriend is trying to make you break up with him. It also sounds like your relationship is quite a roller coaster, as many long distance relationships can be, but it can't make you feel very secure to have your boyfriend continuously tell you that you can do better. Although he could simply be self-deprecating, my take is that he's just afraid to end it.

Since you've been struggling with the distance for two years, a talk is most definitely in order. Ask him where he thinks this relationship is going and be prepared to answer the same question. You say he makes you happy, but do you make him happy? Get to the bottom of why he's verbally pushing you away - deciphering whether it's insecurity or the beginning of the end is imperative. Once you figure that out, hopefully you can work together to build the lines of communication and change things in your relationship for the better, if that's the path you decide to take.

Source

You Asked: Should I Move For Love?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am 29 years old and in love with a guy who is in love with me. We met several months ago, but just a couple of weeks ago he moved thousands of miles away for a job - our relationship wasn't established enough for him to stay here with me over the job, or for me to quit my job and leave everything behind to move with him. We decided to stay committed since we love each other so much, but I feel so sad that he's gone. We couldn't have been more excited to have met each other and spend time together, and now that he's not physically here, I'm feeling incredibly empty. We are both getting to a point in our lives were we would like to settle down, but I have family, friends, and a good job here. He had the same, but was having a horrible time finding a good job in his field so he had to relocate. I plan to go back to school and get my master's degree where I currently live and continue to work at my job. We have talked about what it would take for things to work out between us and he feels strongly that after a year, if we are still in love, that we need to be together. The only thing is that that would probably require me to move, meaning giving up my grad school program, my job, and my life as I know it. I understand that I might be jumping the gun here, but I don't know what to do. Should I try dating other people or should I stay open to changing my life around for the man I love? - In Limbo Lanna

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Dear In Limbo Lanna,

Dating long distance can be incredibly frustrating, but if there's an end in sight, I think it can be manageable. It doesn't sound like he's able to be flexible with his living/job situation, so if you're willing to make him a priority, I think you should take a chance and see where this relationship goes! Since you plan to start a master's program soon, instead of going to school in your town, apply to schools where your boyfriend lives. If you get in, I'm sure your program will help you find a job in your field. If you begin a program where you are currently, it'll make the decision to leave after a year that much harder.

If the distance between you two is just too hard, I don't think you should put a time limit on waiting to see if your love will last - you're in love now and that's what matters. I know packing up your things and leaving your comfort zone isn't a small decision, so I suggest taking some vacation time and visiting your boyfriend. While you're there, really try to imagine what your life would be like if you moved. Get to know the surroundings, do some job hunting, and gauge how it would be to live together. At the end of the day, this is going to be a gut decision so if it feels right, go with it! Your friends and family will always be there for you if it doesn't work out so don't let the opportunity to be with the person you love pass you by. Remember, you only live once!
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You Asked: His Career Is Bringing Us Down

DearSugar — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my current boyfriend for five months now and love him to death. He is a struggling musician chasing his dream and I am more than supportive of him. He works very hard at two jobs, and when he isn't working, he's writing music with his band, performing or touring the country. Most of his income goes to paying rent and supporting the band, which makes things really tough for him. I help him out the best I can, leave him some money so he can get to work on the subway or some cash so he can get some food, and I would never think to complain about it. He has a timeline set - if his music aspirations don't come to fruition by his set date then he plans to go back to school and pursue a different career, having music be more of a hobby.

But lately it seems like every time I talk to him he's sad. He's sad because he misses me, he's sad because he can't eat that day, or he's sad because he owes someone money for rent or a band thing. These are all legitimate reasons to be upset, but it's constant and draining on both of us. I've battled depression for a long time and knowing that I can't rescue him constantly kills me. He does the best he can and I want to be there to support him, but every time we talk I feel really down because I can't do more. I've talked to him about this but we don't know how to resolve it. He doesn't want to make me sad, but I don't want him to hide his problems from me either. I just don't know what to do to make things more positive for both of us. Do you have any suggestions? - Down in the Dumps Dede

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Dear Down in the Dumps Dede,

It sounds like your boyfriend is under a lot of stress right now, and while I understand that you want to be there for him, you need to take care of yourself first. Since you've struggled with your own depression, it's important not to let his troubles and anxieties bring you down. While I understand that you love him, perhaps the timing just isn't right for you to be in such a committed relationship. From what you're telling me, you aren't spending much time together so you might want to think about slowing your relationship down until he's able to settle into a more stable lifestyle.

If taking a break isn't something you're willing to do, perhaps you can talk less often, or try to always end the conversation on a positive note. Everyone, whether you're in a relationship or not, has their fair share of struggles, how you handle them is what's important. Money and career can be incredibly weight bearing but since you've only been together five months, I'm inclined to advise you to let him manage his money issues on his own. While being able to support him probably feels good to you, it'll just create an unbalanced relationship in the future. It's important for your boyfriend to rely on other people besides you for emotional support. Perhaps you could suggest he confides in his bandmates; people that understand what he's going through so you don't have to take the brunt of his worry. As you know, all relationships have their highs and lows, so hopefully this is just a bump in the road. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Should I Confess My Love?

DearSugar — Fri, 23 May 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,
Last year I met an incredible man who I love dearly. Our relationship was finally one where I knew that I had found someone I could love. We had (and still have) an incredible connection; he's my best friend. We recently broke up because he might be moving within the year and he felt that it would be easier to make the decision without taking someone else's feelings into account. It was traumatic for both of us, but we both want to be a part of each other's lives, so we decided to remain good friends. We are in touch almost daily, see each other weekly, and he's confessed that he misses being with me. He calls to say hi because something reminded him of me, and I've never had anyone I've broken up with do this before. I'm torn between doing what's logical and doing what my heart tells me to. It has been so long since I've felt this way about any man I've dated, and I want to confess that I still love him and want to enjoy our time together while we have it, but I'm scared of ruining our friendship if he decides that our decision was for the best. I'm going crazy keeping this to myself. - Just Friends Julie

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Dear Just Friends Julie,

While I understand the fear of losing your friendship, what you have is much more than a friendship - you're in love with him! Typically when couples break up, they don't carry on a relationship as close as you and your ex have, and from listening to you describe his actions, it's pretty clear that he's not over you either. Sure, if he moves away it will be incredibly difficult to lose him, but you never know what could happen within that year. You say you've never felt this way before, so why chance letting him get away? If I were you, I'd go out on that limb and tell him how you feel.

If he wants to remain just friends, I advise you to keep a lot more distance than you are now. If you continue to talk daily and see each other weekly, it won't feel like you're broken up. Follow your heart, Julie: You'll never know what could have been if you keep your feelings to yourself. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Should I Even Be Thinking Like This?

DearSugar — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been in a long term relationship for almost four years now and I really do love my boyfriend. The relationship is truly long distance in that we only see each other every three to six months depending on our schedules. Recently, this guy has been showing interest in me. He's really cute and we have spoken a couple of times. He knows I have a boyfriend but he wants more than to just be my friend. I know if I love my boyfriend, this shouldn't even be crossing my mind but this guy is making the temptation so hard to resist. What should I do? - Tempted Tammie

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Dear Tempted Tammie,

Long distance relationships are terribly hard and require a lot of work from both parties. I also feel that it's important to see one another as often as you can and it sounds like your schedules aren't very accommodating right now. I'm sure that getting attention from another man while you're lonely feels good, but you're right, if you love your boyfriend as much as you say you do, this new guy wouldn't even be a temptation at all. It's OK to look, don't get me wrong, but if you're having serious thoughts about possibly cheating on your boyfriend, something isn't working.

I'm all for long distance relationships if they are a temporary situation, but if there's no means to an end, I have to ask what's the point. Four years is a long time to be with someone, especially if you've had to struggle with distance this entire time, so your relationship could have just ran its course. Before you make any rash decisions about this new man, talk to your boyfriend. Ask him how he's feeling, try to see if you can both make more of an effort to see each other, and really take a time out to think about what it is that you want. If the time just isn't right for you two, perhaps you should consider taking a break and explore your options with someone living close by. Your attraction to this man could just be a symptom of something much bigger so I'd proceed with caution. Good luck to you.

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