PopSugar

Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

City of Love Issues Manual to Stop Forced Marriages

CitizenSugar — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:00:50 -0800

Paris, the universal capital of love and romance, created a manual on forced marriages this week to help officials spot and prevent cases of young women being forced into matrimony.

An estimated 70,000 young women in France are victims (or potential victims) of forced marriages, according to a government study. City officials who conduct weddings often don't know how to deal with their suspicion - clearly they haven't spent time in Vegas! - so the city created some guidelines.

What are telltale signs? The 32-page book lists clues like when "middlemen fill in the required documents ahead of the wedding, when the woman does not appear at the city hall at any point before the wedding day, or when there is a big age difference between the man and the woman". It also notes signs like bridal distress or submission to relatives, brides that can't answer questions clearly and brides that don't know their fiancé's personal history.

Source

Dear Poll: Do You Need a Marriage Certificate to Prove Your Love?

DearSugar — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 13:00:00 -0800

Reuters just came out with a new study in which four out of ten Americans said they don't need a marriage license to prove their love or commitment to their significant other. Out of the 7,113 people -ages 20 to 69 - surveyed, the consensus was that a marriage license wasn't necessary in order to validate their relationship.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, I'm old-fashioned - when the time comes for me to get married, I'm going to want that certificate, but what about you? Would you be just as happy in a committed relationship without the piece of paper stating that you're officially husband and wife? What I want to know is,

Source

Rhode Island Governor Vetoes Same-Sex Funeral Rights

TresSugar — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0800

Rhode Island's state legislature thought it would be a good idea to give same-sex partners the right to plan each other's funerals when one partner passes away. It's a right married couples have, of course. But Gov. Don Carcieri said: not so fast! The socially conservative leader vetoed the bill because it's part of a "disturbing trend" threatening heterosexual marriage. I'm confused. How does a gay person planning a loved one's funeral have anything to do with someone else's marriage?

Those who support the veto point out that Rhode Island recognizes neither gay marriage nor civil unions. Still, many people are shocked that the governor would intervene to deny same-sex partners some comfort during a hard time. The state's attorney general has called the veto "cruel and heartless," and lawmakers in the Democratically-controlled legislature said they would work to override the veto. Hopefully they will succeed!

Are Video Proposals Online Cowardly or Cute?

TresSugar — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:00:42 -0800

Last night Tumblr users signed on to see "Marissa Nystrom, will you marry me?" bannered across their dashboards, whether or not they followed proposer Justin Johnson's blog. The link goes to this genuinely thoughtful, romantic, and well-edited video, but I presume his girlfriend follows his blog. So the only reason I can see to link the video to the world is to consummate its place in the controversial genre of public marriage proposals.

Public proposals seem unabashedly confident at first, but only the most heartless, unafraid-to-make-a-scene askee would say no. Put it on video and not only is he not asking her in person, but he's putting pressure on her to say yes in front of the largest stage of all. And when it's online, you can't leave your audience behind.

Gender Roles - Love 'Em Or Leave 'Em?

OnSugar Blog — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:10:00 -0800

Here's a poll from OnSugar blog Rantings of a Single Girl.

Let's go back to the 1940s for a minute. My grandmother was married, raised a kid, ran a farm, taught school, and kept a clean house. All while my grandfather was away at war. After my grandfather came back from the war and had recovered from his wounds, they went back into their traditional roles. He ran the farm and did all the "manly" things. My grandmother raised my aunt, taught school, and still had dinner on the table by 5:30 PM every night. All while pregnant with my dad.

I'm exhausted just talking about it.

I bring all this up because I've been thinking about gender roles lately. I look at my parents. Granted, my dad still does majority of the "manly'" things around the house and my mom does the household things, neither one is afraid to help out the other. My dad does housework. My mom can swing a hammer when needed.

And that's what I like.

I'll never be able to date a guy who believes in traditional gender roles. As much as I like cooking and being in the kitchen, I don't like being expected to be there. If we have kids, I'm not going to be the one who raises them. I certainly expect their father to help out. At the same time, I don't expect him the only one who takes out the trash or fixes things when they break. I think 50/50 is a good blend.

So could you be with someone who firmly believes in traditional gender roles? Or would you rather share the load?

Want to see more? Start following Rantings of a Single Girl or start your own OnSugar Blog. Maybe your stories will be posted here on TrèsSugar!

How Do I Handle This Strip Club Situation?

Tres Community — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:00:15 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

First of all my husband and I have been married for half of a year now. He's in the Navy and just got deployed, but right before the deployment he was sent to Hawaii for one day. I dropped him off at the airport and it was so hard for me to let him go. He called from Hawaii and we talked for five minutes then he said he had to go and he would call back.

As I was checking our bank account to check on the bills I noticed he had paid to go in to some type of club. While crying my eyes out because of how much I already missed him and knowing he wasn't coming home any time soon, I waited for him to call back. When he finally did I got him to tell me the truth and it turned out to be a strip club. This was his first time going into a strip club. The problem is that I feel so offended and disrespected. I know I'm not unattractive, and I'm very open minded in our sex life. So to me it seems as if I'm not enough for him, and that he didn't care about how I feel about strip clubs. The fact that he was lusting over those girls makes me so angry and upset.

To see the rest, .

When we talked I was so mad and disappointed and couldn't stop crying. But after a while I realized that I've been told not to say anything negative or upsetting to him since he was going on deployment to a very stressful environment. I won't be able to talk to him at all while he's gone, I can only send emails but I can't confront him there either. So I had to pretend that I got over it and that I was OK, so he wouldn't feel bad and guilty. But in reality I feel so disgusted and can't take the thought of him wanting someone else. I'm alone and don't have any family here, this is our first deployment and I'm still trying to handle it. He made things so much worse for me, now I'm not just worried about his safety, but also at the thought of when he goes to a port he's going to cheat on me. I'm just hurt and feel resentment towards him, but for as long as he's out I have to pretend I'm fine and support him through the emails. I know some people might think I'm over reacting, but to me this is just like cheating.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

The Beard (the Other Kind) in Pop Culture

TresSugar — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:28:02 -0800

It's National Beard Month and that doesn't just mean facial hair. Not to us anyway! A whole other beard genre's been growing since the middle of the 20th century - the gay cover-up beard, which is slang for a person of the opposite sex used as a cover for a gay partner. At its best, the beard is mutually beneficial to both partners. At its worst? A life of lies. For a long time the term was as secretive as its roots, but I've been hearing it more and more to describe not only real-life marriages, but also TV and movie couplings.

View Slideshow ›

Ask a Divorced Woman: Can I Save My Marriage?

TresSugar — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a divorced woman offers advice to a woman struggling with her marriage. After you read her answer, be sure to check out our Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's Question:
I've been married for a long time, and last year around Christmas my husband told me out of the blue that he didn't love me. I asked him to move out, and he did in February. We started seeing each other again in April and he has now moved back in swearing undying love, and it does feel different as he is attentive, etc.

The problem I have is that he slept with a work "friend" when we spilt up, and he still works with her. She is looking for another job, but he is not because he is trying to get funding for an MA from his employer. I have aired my dislike at them working together. I just need outside input on the different paths I can take. Should I throw him out or just bide my time and wait. I love him but hate this situation.

Signed,
Confused

To see the divorced woman's answer, read more.

Dear Confused,

It seems like you are having a hard time trusting your husband, and based on what has happened, I don't blame you.

Your husband told you out of the blue that "he didn't love you." This statement makes it hard for you to trust that he won't just change his mind again in the future. Then, once you split up, he had a relationship with someone else that he still sees every day. While it's true he didn't technically cheat, I think you are completely rational for taking issue with this.

It is eating away at you knowing that he works with this woman and it will probably keep you from repairing your marriage. You can give it some time, but if after a few months she is not gone, you should tell him to get a new job. If he doesn't make an effort to get away from this woman, then you should question his level of commitment. I'm happy you feel that he is more attentive now that he has come back, but I think you need to spend more time focusing on your needs.

In the end, I think you should take things one day at a time until you determine whether or not you feel complete in the relationship. I'm sure you have a lot invested in this marriage, so don't feel guilty for trying to make it work. But if it can't work for you, don't be afraid to move on.

Signed,
A divorced woman

Say What? Portia de Rossi on Why Marriage Matters

TresSugar — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 10:05:00 -0800

"The thing about being a gay couple is that in the past you referred to your 'wife' and there was quotation marks around it. There was always that chance that people would kind of snigger about it. But now it's fact, it's law. She's my wife. I get to say that she's my wife. And that's just the way it is."

- Portia de Rossi told Oprah yesterday why marriage matters to gay couples. Portia and her wife Ellen DeGeneres got married in August 2008 and they both appeared on Oprah's show to discuss their relationship and careers.