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Awkward! Not Sure About Inviting Boyfriend to Thanksgiving

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 07:00:00 -0800

Since the Holiday season can be rich with awkward moments, a friend of mine is trying to sort out a relationship dilemma before Thanksgiving arrives. Read her story, and see if you can offer her any advice.

"My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. Thanksgiving is coming up and I will be going to my parent's house, which is about two hours away from where I live now, for the weekend. Each year my extended family and I celebrate Thanksgiving at my aunt's house, which is right near my parent's. Since my boyfriend's family lives really far away, I would love to invite him to come. My only concern is that it might be overwhelming for him. He's met my parents when they came to visit, but this would involve staying at their house, not to mention meeting all my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Then again, it seems like a natural step in our relationship. Should I ask him to come along, or is it putting too much pressure on him?"

(By the way - if you have some awkward tales of your own, join our Awkward! group to share etiquette questions and stories with other readers.)

Ask a Woman Unwilling to Settle: My Boyfriend Calls Me Names

TresSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a woman unwilling to settle shares her wisdom with a distraught woman who's sick of her boyfriend calling her cruel names. October is domestic violence awareness month. Remember, just because he's not punching you in the face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

This week's question:

"Every time my boyfriend gets angry, I get called names. 'Bitch' is the most often one thrown at me. I have told him so many times that it hurts me but he says it's only words. Sometimes he doesn't even apologize. Yesterday, he told me a story about his friend. I told him that I had a headache. He started shouting and telling me that I just wasn't interested, that I was rude. I wanted him to shut up. He called me a bitch again! He always tells me that he would never call me anything if I didn't make him by behaving like an idiot. Once he called me pathetic. I told him I didn't like that and he said at least he didn't call me a bitch. I'm sick and tired of explaining how wrong he is. He thinks he knows better. Please help!"

Signed,

In Pain

To hear what a woman unwilling to settle thinks about this situation, read more

Dear In Pain:

GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM!

The simple truth is that your boyfriend does not respect you and he certainly doesn’t value you, your feelings, or your relationship. He is literally shouting this at you. And it’s time for you to hear him, loud and clear.

I realize it’s easy to become confused in matters of the heart. But at the core of any meaningful, loving, long-lasting relationship is always going to be respect. (Trust Aretha to say it like it is!) Without that, you’ve got nothing. And that is exactly what you’ve got right now-nothing.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have the maturity, self-awareness, or emotional development to be the man you want or to offer you the relationship you deserve. (Or at least I presume you expect something more, since you’ve taken the time to write in!)

You are only fooling yourself if you think this guy is going to change. And while you continue to endure his demeaning comments and cruel behavior, you could be out there enjoying the world, meeting new people, and building a life and relationships to be proud of. What are you waiting for?

Take that next step! Show yourself a little respect and leave him and his drama behind you. And while you’re at it, ask yourself one very simple question: why are you in this situation to begin with? If you take the time to sort out your head now, you’ll spare yourself the heartache and disappointment of repeating the same pattern in the future. And at that point you'll be free to meet someone worthy of your time and your heart. Stop being so afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and make the change now!

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Ask an MBA Student: Is It OK For My Boyfriend to See His Ex?

TresSugar — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:00:44 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a guy working on his MBA tries to help out a woman nervous about her boyfriend's ex. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:
My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend just moved back in town and he wants to hang out with her. She's going to stop by his house this week so they can catch up. They broke up a couple of years ago, but they dated for a few years so this sort of makes me uncomfortable. Can I tell him that I don't want them to be friends? I don't know whether I should be upset or just let it go.

Signed,
Nervous

To read the MBA student's advice, read more.

Dear Nervous,

My advice is to let them hang out and catch up initially. It's natural for friends who haven't seen each other to meet up; there is nothing to worry about. I think it might be a good idea for you to be there, if your boyfriend is OK with that. If this is truly a friend situation, he shouldn't have a problem with you being there, and if the ex-girlfriend is moving back into town then she should want to get to know you. After they catch up, the novelty might go away and they might never see each other again as people change. However, if they continue to hang out and see each other a lot, you can let him know that it makes you uncomfortable. He should respect your wishes and tone it down.

Signed,
An MBA Student

Ask a Buddhist: Can I "Find Myself" While With Someone?

TresSugar — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a person who believes in Buddhist teachings will offer her common sense advice to a 24-year-old looking to find herself. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

Is it possible to figure out what you want out of your life while in a committed relationship? My boyfriend and I started dating when we were 16, when we were still young and impressionable. Now, we're both 24 years old, and while we are very much in love with one another, we're both feeling as though we do not know ourselves as individuals. And while we want to figure ourselves out while being together, we have tried - though not very successfully - and it hasn't quite worked so far. So, is it possible to figure yourself out while in a relationship? Or is it best to just cut ties despite the love you feel for another and take time out for yourself, alone?

- In Love but Confused

To find out what the Buddhist has to say, read more.

Dear In Love and Confused,

Wow. Your question really hits home, and I'll try to answer it with the wisdom of my experiences and those of my friends.

I, too, asked this question when I was 24 after having been with my boyfriend, my first love, since I was 18. (Not quite as long you.) I had the 20-something equivalent of the seven-year-itch. I'd never been with another person, I'd moved in with the boyfriend at a young age, and although we had different things going on (he was older and had a career that he loved and I was in college), I felt that there was a big world out there I wasn't exploring so we could be together.

In my case, ultimately, the decision was easier because my restlessness had to do with wanting to having other sexual experiences with people. I loved him, but knew that if I stayed with him, my curiosity would get the better of me. Although it was one of the toughest decisions I had to make, and there were many doubts and tears, I didn't regret my decision to break up with him and move on.

Having said that, I also know people who have remained with the people they fell in love with as teens who are leading happy and fulfilled lives in which the experiences they have separately add to the relationship they have together. The relationship, for each of them, is a place where they not only share experiences that expand their sense of self (they travel together, volunteer together, have similar hobbies), but where, after they do their own thing separately (with their own set of friends, their own travel adventures, etc.) they can come back to the relationship without the other person feeling left out or intimidated by their partner's separateness.

This is where it can get tricky. What experiences contribute to that feeling of "individuality" as you refer to it? There are things you might not be able to discover while in a committed relationship - in my case, it was experiences with other people. Or let's say you want to travel abroad. Unless your boyfriend can do that with you, you might have to spend some time apart. Will you both be OK with being apart and being monogamous? Would you be able to take a break from your relationship, and the monogamy, with an agreement to be back together and see how it goes? Maybe counseling could help you figure out what it is exactly that feels missing, so you could experiment before you "cut ties" with this person you sound like you're really in love with. (I'm curious about what it was you tried and wasn't successful.)

Whether you met when you were 16 or 25 (or 35, 45 or 55!), the challenge of maintaining your individuality in a couple will remain. I know some people who met at ripe old ages who are in stifling relationships that end up being excuses for not exploring who they really are. You definitely have a challenge, but one that's not insurmountable. The question is, how creative can you be, how honest can you be, how flexible can you be? Try out everything you can, and if at the end of the day, you decide that the only way you can find yourselves is to be apart, maybe you can make a pact to meet up again at a certain age and see if it works?

Not losing yourself in a relationship is something everyone - of all ages - experiences. I have a feeling you two can be honest with each other to try everything out to see what works best for you. If you were meant to be together, it will all work out in the end. Good luck, stay present with what you're feeling, and be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.

- A Buddhist

Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

Ask a Writer: Help With My Boyfriend's Kidney-Stealing Parents!

TresSugar — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a nonfiction writer will offer her common sense advice. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. We live together and plan on getting married someday so you better believe I love him.

His parents are alcoholics. I have always said I knew what alcoholics were like, but after meeting them, I realized I had no idea. His mother drinks nothing but alcohol and barely eats. She weighs 90 lbs and refuses to get help. His dad actually encourages her.

Recently his dad got ill and was put on dialysis but continues to drink and eat bad things and always ends up back in the ER. He was on the list to receive a kidney donation but due to his poor behavior, he was taken off the list. He can, however, be given a kidney if someone he knows will donate. So who have they turned to? Their three sons. They are now pressuring my boyfriend and his brothers to go get tested to see if they are the same blood type.

I am furious about this. Besides the fact that they are alcoholics (and yes, I know it's an illness), they are mean. Their sons break their necks to please them and get nothing in return. My boyfriend and his brothers had a horrible childhood and I can only hope the rest of his parents' lives are half as bad as what they put their kids through. I know that if his dad receives a kidney, he will go back to drinking and not take his meds and it will have all been for nothing. How can I intervene? Or should I?

- Worried For My Boyfriend's Kidneys and Sanity

To hear a nonfiction writer's advice, read more.

Dear Worried,

What a painful situation for both you and your boyfriend to be in. Of course you feel protective of the man you love. Unfortunately, this is a true life or death situation involving his father, who for better or worse is one of your boyfriend’s most significant relationships. You did not mention whether your boyfriend is seriously considering giving his father his kidney, or if he has asked for your advice. I will assume so, since you’ve written this letter.

My first instinct is to tell you to be very careful about putting yourself between your boyfriend and his family. If you encourage him not to do this (or even consider it) and he later comes to regret that choice, it could damage your relationship and your future together.

Your role is to love and support him while he makes this difficult choice, regardless of what he decides to do. Don’t come down too strongly against his parents, even though it sounds clear that they have been abusive to their children. Being raised in an alcoholic family is very psychologically complex, often leaving children with feelings of guilt and responsibility that seem confusing to others. Groups like Al-Anon exist for the people that love alcoholics to help give them perspective and support by talking to one another in a safe place. You could encourage him to find a local chapter and attend a meeting. Perhaps they could help your boyfriend explore why he would be willing to get radical surgery to help a man who is not helping himself.

Rather than building a case against his family, you could help your boyfriend gather and process information about the surgery. He needs to seriously consider the physical and emotional risks he would experience by giving up a kidney. He should meet with his father's doctor to find out what his own health risks would be, what the procedure would be like, and what his father's prognosis would be if he does continue to drink. Maybe you could accompany him to that meeting.

Sometimes the best way we can help the people we love is by helping them help themselves.

Signed, A Nonfiction Writer

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: How Can This Long Distance Relationship Stay Fresh?

DearSugar — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Keeping the Flame Alive Franny need your help. She recently rekindled her high school romance and couldn't be happier, but since they are carrying on a long distance relationship while he's in medical school, she's having a hard time keeping the sparks alive. If any of you have been in a long distance relationship, she could use any tips you've got up your sleeve so that the flame doesn't burn out!
Dear Sugar,
I just recently ran into my high school sweetheart after six years of being apart, and we totally hit it off. We had broken up senior year because we were just too young for our relationship, and the next step was engagement. When we ran into each other, neither of us were expecting to fall back in love, but that's just what happened! Fast forward three months and everything is still great, except that he is in a different city at medical school. Once again, hooray, he's going to be a doctor and save lives, but his life is so one dimensional - sitting in the library for 10 plus hours a day. Since he's so into school, I feel a lot of pressure to bring the excitement to the relationship, which can be a big burden.

I want to be with him, and I'm not even thinking about ending it, but how do I keep the long distance relationship interesting without having to be "Miss Sunshine" all the time about a situation that bums me out just as much as it does him? Do you have any advice on how I can make this work?

Source

You Asked: I Love Him, Now What?

DearSugar — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I are both 20 years old and have been in our relationship for six months. We are both shy. I love him and I want to tell him, but I'm not sure he feels the same way. I don't want to scare him off and I don't want to force him into saying it only because I said it first. I thought he was going to say it the other night because he said he had something to tell me; however, he was partying at the time and he left the conversation saying we would talk when he was in a better state. We did see each other after that evening, but he has not mentioned anything to me.

Now I don't know what to think. I'm afraid to bring up the conversation because I'm not sure if he remembered what he was going to say. I love him and I want him to know. Any advice?

- In Love Leah

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear In Love Leah,

If your instincts are telling you that your boyfriend wants to say that he loves you, you're probably right. He might be waiting for the right moment, but that's neither here nor there. If you love him, and want him to know it, then tell him! Saying I love you for the first time is always scary because you can never be 100 percent sure of the other person's reaction - your boyfriend is probably dealing with the same issues right now. But as long as you feel confident with what you feel, then there's nothing to be worried about regardless of his response.

As far as him saying it without meaning it or feeling rushed, go ahead and let him know that you're not expecting anything in return, and that you simply want him to know how you feel. It's more than likely he shares your sentiments, but if you take off the pressure, he'll know that he can wait until he's truly ready to say it before jumping the gun. This is a great opportunity to set the tone for the communication you want to have throughout your relationship. Be open, understanding, and honest and the rest will fall into place.

Source

You Asked: Is This Relationship Going to Work?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I live over 3,000 miles from my boyfriend (he goes to school in New York, I go to school in Colorado), and well, it's difficult to say the least. We have a really good relationship for being so far away and I love him with all my heart, but I just don't know if it's wise to stay in this relationship and wait for him for four years to see if things will work.

We talk constantly about getting married, but he wants to save money and propose with the ring of my dreams. I could actually care less if we get married with rings or without, i just want to marry him. Should I be worried that he won't propose until after landing a decent paying job or is he putting off our engagement because he really doesn't want to ask me? - At a Loss Annie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear At a Loss Annie,

Something tells me that since you're questioning whether or not your boyfriend is worth waiting for, that you aren't as ready to make a life long commitment to him as you might think you are. Sure, long distance relationships are tough, especially when you're still in school, but if you're both willing to put forth the effort to make it work, meaning open lines of communication, honesty and a lot of travel, it can be done. My advice to you is to not sweat the future just yet. If it's simply too hard to be happy with the distance between you, perhaps you should cool things off until you're able to live in the same city. If you want to stay together, let him know how much you love him regardless of what kind of ring you wear.

Take a step back and listen to what your heart is saying. It's easy to get carried away with thinking about the future, but try to stay present and enjoy the relationship you have now. If you do end up together, you have your entire lives to be married so enjoy the fun of dating while you can. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Should I Stay?

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my current boyfriend for four months now. I generally have a very good time with him, find him very attractive, and I even like his friends. He told me last night that he enjoys my company and is very happy with the way things have been going, but can't figure out why he isn't in love with me yet. I told him it was OK if he wasn't and that we can just enjoy being together. However, I'm finding myself falling more and more in love with him and I'm not sure if I can handle him not feeling the same way. At the same time, I recently got out of a long-term relationship a month before we started dating so I don't know if I should just relax and take it for what it's worth. Please help! - One Sided Sandy

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear One Sided Sandy,

There is no formula to falling in love - some people fall in love at first sight and others take their time to be completely sure before they let themselves feel such strong emotions, let alone share them with the person they're dating. It's also completely normal for one person to feel that love sooner than the other - it would be just all too perfect if you both felt it at the exact same time.

I think you took the right approach by telling your boyfriend that it's OK if he's not there yet but since you're starting to fall for him, I think you should take your own advice! You have a good foundation with this guy so I say just keep trudging along. Your boyfriend might view the L Word differently than you do, but if you continue enjoying each other's company, time will sooner tell if he has the capability of feeling that way towards you. If not, and if you feel like you're in a one sided relationship, then you can make some decisions on your future, but in the meantime Sandy, I think you should relax and take this four month relationship for what it is - two people who really like each other feeling out the unpaved road ahead.

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