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Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

The Duggars Give the Gosselins Marital Advice

LilSugar — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 16:22:11 -0700

The parents of our favorite supersize big brood, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, were recently interviewed by The Washington's Post's Sally Quinn about marriage and family. During the interview, the couple talked about how they navigate their own relationship and why they pray for fellow TLC parents Jon and Kate Gosselin during their much-publicized marital woes.

Ask a Divorced Woman: Can I Save My Marriage?

TresSugar — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a divorced woman offers advice to a woman struggling with her marriage. After you read her answer, be sure to check out our Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's Question:
I've been married for a long time, and last year around Christmas my husband told me out of the blue that he didn't love me. I asked him to move out, and he did in February. We started seeing each other again in April and he has now moved back in swearing undying love, and it does feel different as he is attentive, etc.

The problem I have is that he slept with a work "friend" when we spilt up, and he still works with her. She is looking for another job, but he is not because he is trying to get funding for an MA from his employer. I have aired my dislike at them working together. I just need outside input on the different paths I can take. Should I throw him out or just bide my time and wait. I love him but hate this situation.

Signed,
Confused

To see the divorced woman's answer, read more.

Dear Confused,

It seems like you are having a hard time trusting your husband, and based on what has happened, I don't blame you.

Your husband told you out of the blue that "he didn't love you." This statement makes it hard for you to trust that he won't just change his mind again in the future. Then, once you split up, he had a relationship with someone else that he still sees every day. While it's true he didn't technically cheat, I think you are completely rational for taking issue with this.

It is eating away at you knowing that he works with this woman and it will probably keep you from repairing your marriage. You can give it some time, but if after a few months she is not gone, you should tell him to get a new job. If he doesn't make an effort to get away from this woman, then you should question his level of commitment. I'm happy you feel that he is more attentive now that he has come back, but I think you need to spend more time focusing on your needs.

In the end, I think you should take things one day at a time until you determine whether or not you feel complete in the relationship. I'm sure you have a lot invested in this marriage, so don't feel guilty for trying to make it work. But if it can't work for you, don't be afraid to move on.

Signed,
A divorced woman

New Rules of Marriage?

DearSugar — Thu, 22 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Whether you're dating, planning a wedding, or already married, I'm sure you've gotten a lot of relationship advice from other married folks. If they've listed off any of the soft rules of marriage, you might want to do some new research. On a recent segment on The Today Show, Rosemary Ellis, the editor-in-chief of Good Housekeeping, shared some new and improved rules of marriage that you should check out below.

Old Myth	New Rule	Explanation
Never go to bed angry.	Sleep on it, but before you roll over in a huff, give your partner a six-second kiss.	If you're blood is boiling and you're frustrated with your honey, duking it out all night won't help. Though kissing before you go to bed won't necessarily solve your problems, it will remind you of your special connection so you can talk about it the next day with a clear and level head.

Want to see the other myths? Then read more.

Old Myth	New Rule	Explanation
As you get older, sex isn't as important.	There's no reason you won't grow more sexually connected.	The more comfortable you feel with a person, the more confident you'll be to ask for what you want and try new things.
As a marriage grows, you'll realize that you've grown apart and fallen out of love.	Marriages don't run on feelings - in order for them to thrive, both partners need to do their fare share of work.	Working through your differences and talking through your disagreements and issues will make your relationship stronger.
Couples who stay together have a lot in common.	It's actually the couples who don't have a lot in common who are often happiest.	You don't have to love doing everything together all the time as long as you do set aside time to be together. Also, having different interests is a plus because it'll keep you happy and secure as an individual, which can only benefit your relationship.
Every guy has a midlife crisis.	It's actually a "reinvention," and women go through it too.	Everyone's life goes through change. Maybe your career takes off in a different direction, or your children leave home, or a parent passes away. The first half of your life is different than the second half, but the second half should get better!

I don't necessarily agree with all of these "new" rules, but what about you? Is there some merit to these news ways of thinking about marriage? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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How Do I Handle This Strip Club Situation?

Tres Community — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:00:15 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

First of all my husband and I have been married for half of a year now. He's in the Navy and just got deployed, but right before the deployment he was sent to Hawaii for one day. I dropped him off at the airport and it was so hard for me to let him go. He called from Hawaii and we talked for five minutes then he said he had to go and he would call back.

As I was checking our bank account to check on the bills I noticed he had paid to go in to some type of club. While crying my eyes out because of how much I already missed him and knowing he wasn't coming home any time soon, I waited for him to call back. When he finally did I got him to tell me the truth and it turned out to be a strip club. This was his first time going into a strip club. The problem is that I feel so offended and disrespected. I know I'm not unattractive, and I'm very open minded in our sex life. So to me it seems as if I'm not enough for him, and that he didn't care about how I feel about strip clubs. The fact that he was lusting over those girls makes me so angry and upset.

To see the rest, .

When we talked I was so mad and disappointed and couldn't stop crying. But after a while I realized that I've been told not to say anything negative or upsetting to him since he was going on deployment to a very stressful environment. I won't be able to talk to him at all while he's gone, I can only send emails but I can't confront him there either. So I had to pretend that I got over it and that I was OK, so he wouldn't feel bad and guilty. But in reality I feel so disgusted and can't take the thought of him wanting someone else. I'm alone and don't have any family here, this is our first deployment and I'm still trying to handle it. He made things so much worse for me, now I'm not just worried about his safety, but also at the thought of when he goes to a port he's going to cheat on me. I'm just hurt and feel resentment towards him, but for as long as he's out I have to pretend I'm fine and support him through the emails. I know some people might think I'm over reacting, but to me this is just like cheating.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

Lack of Communication With Husband After Layoff

Tres Community — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My husband recently got laid off from his job. He is lucky because he was given 30 days to try and find a new position within the company before he's officially let go. He has a prospective job in another area of the company, but I am not sure where everything stands. He just won't communicate with me and let me know what's going on. It's very hard for me to be in the dark about whether or not he will have a job in a couple weeks, and it feels like he has completely closed off communication regarding this job situation.

When I ask if he's heard anything, he is always very vague and claims that he doesn't have any new information, but there have been a couple times when I have seen over his shoulder that he has gotten emails from the people involved with this potential job, so there must be some sort of news. How do I explain to him that behind left in the dark about our situation is really stressing me out?

There's lots of fun stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

Funny Video! Palin Fans Explain Support!

Tres Community — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 12:00:24 -0800

This post was written by spacekatgal in the TrèsSugar community group Citizen 4.0.

Oh Gods, this video is both embarrassing and awesome at the same time. I was laughing so hard! The best part of this video was learning that "you never have to compromise when you're right. That's for people that are wrong." That will come in handy in my marriage.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

You Asked: We're Not Very Good at Sex

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for a little over a year. Both my husband and I waited until we got married to have sex for the first time. As expected, we aren't very good at it. Additionally, since we dated for so long before marriage, the passion we initially had seems to have died down. My husband does not orgasm and takes a very long time in bed. I am not satisfied, and we end up just stopping because we are so tired. It leaves me feeling upset that neither of us are satisfied, which leaves us both feeling awkward and not interested in getting back on the saddle so to speak. I think my husband has something called "delayed ejaculation," and he has promised to eventually see a doctor if he can't resolve this issue on his own. I am disappointed that I have never been satisfied in bed and don't know how to get there. Any advice?

-Out of Lust Lenore

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Out of Lust Lenore,

So you said that your husband doesn't orgasm. Does that mean he can never orgasm, or that he just takes a really long time to orgasm while having sex? If you suspect that he has delayed ejaculation, which means that he can't orgasm or ejaculate, it could be caused by a medical condition, such as trauma to the pelvic area or a side effect from taking certain medications. You won't know for sure though unless he sees a doctor, so this should be first on your list.

Delayed ejaculation can also be a psychological condition. Since you both waited to have sex until after marriage, he may have some issues with thinking that sex is wrong or sinful. If he feels like he shouldn't be having sex, then he's not going to be able to perform. Talk to him about how he's feeling, in a non-confrontational or non-judgmental way. You don't want him to feel like it's his fault, because that will only make him more self-conscious.

If it's not a medical problem, and it turns out that he's just nervous, then seeing a sex therapist or going to couples therapy would be really beneficial. They'll help your hubby get to the root of his feelings and give you some ideas as to how to spice things up in the bedroom. Whatever you do, don't give up or let the fire fizzle out completely. The more you have sex, the more you'll feel comfortable experimenting with each other. It might take a while to work out the kinks, but with open communication, patience, and the eagerness to try, I have full faith that you two will end up having a very satisfying love life. Good luck, Lenore.

Source

You Asked: Have We Out Grown Each Other?

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 03:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am 23-years-old and I have been married for four and a half years. When I was a senior in high school, I got pregnant and I had my son shortly after graduating. Within a year, my husband and I got married (he is also the father of my son). We then attended the same college and while our marriage has never been perfect, I do love him with all my heart. I graduated college in December and for the past six months, I have been having doubts about my marriage. We argue a lot and it seems like everything he does gets on my nerves - it honestly bothers me to kiss him right now. There is a part of me that wants to stick it out through this tough time in our lives but the other part of me wants to end our marriage now while we are still young. I just need some outside advice about this.
- Needing Guidance Gretta

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Needing Guidance Gretta,

Getting married at a young age can be incredibly difficult. At 18 or 19, you don't quite know yourself yet, let alone how to have an adult relationship, but that isn't to say that your marriage can't survive. You hear high-school sweetheart love stories all the time, so making it work just takes effort from both you of. It sounds as though you're simply fed up and agitated by your husband right now, which can happen to the best of us - no one ever said you have to get along all the time!

Have you talked openly with your husband about the way you feel? Is there a possibility that he feels the same way? Before you start resenting each other or acting disrespectful towards one another, I advise you to look into couples counseling. Being able to hash out all your frustrations and hesitations in the presence of a professional, unbiased mediator could be a real relationship saver. Experiencing the growing pains of early adulthood can make you have all kinds of doubts, but before you jump the gun and separate from your husband, first make sure you've given it your all. If at the end of the day the love is still there and the fire is still burning, the irritation and doubt can be worked out. Good luck to you.

Source

Group Therapy: My Marriage Has Me Confused

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 11:00:00 -0700

I've been married for almost three years now. I met my husband at work, and we got engaged after knowing each other for about a month or two, and were married a few months after that. At the time most people were shocked that things moved so quickly, but I wouldn't listen to anybody. I was overwhelmed by new feelings and sensations since I'd never been with anyone before. I was extremely interested in sex, and we did fool around, even though I believed anything sexual before marriage was wrong. But he was a total sweetheart and we were really good friends, so I didn't see what could go wrong.

As it turned out that he was totally new at anything sex-related, but I didn't know that then. So our encounters after the wedding were anything but satisfying, since I knew a lot about my body and how to make it feel good but he didn't. And neither of us were good at communicating anything. I didn't give up though, but he wasn't really interested in it as much as I was so I got tired of feeling disappointed and eventually just quit trying. It only took a few weeks for sex to completely drop off the map, and now years have gone by and I can't really feel sexually attracted to him anymore. He almost feels like a sibling or a child to me. I do care for him, but isn't there more to a marriage than that?

I am afraid I have grown to resent him. I really feel like I am missing something in my life and have started to hate the the idea that I am attached to another person forever. But he loves me unconditionally and says he only wants to be with me. I know we rushed into it too fast, but I don't know whether getting a divorce will just make me more depressed than ever, or if it will really make me feel free again. I have thought about "starting over" with him, but in the end I'm not sure that's what I want. What should I do? Does anyone have any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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