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You Asked: Is this Happily Ever After?

DearSugar — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar--
I'm so upset with my husband! We've been married only two months and I don't know what to do with him. He and I were best friends for several years prior to dating, so I thought I knew him pretty well. When we were friends and at first when we were initially dating, he was so kind and thoughtful; always listened and acknowledged my feelings. Then slowly he started listening less and now when I go to him with a problem or issue, he gets very angry and doesn't listen at all. Even worse, he gets angry with ME for even having a problem in the first place.

Then, of course I get upset, and he will ignore me for days. Nothing ever gets solved and I end up feeling like he doesn't listen or care! I'm just so flabbergasted. I knew this man for years, and he was always the kindest sweetest man around! Please help! --Confused Connie

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Dear Confused Connie --

It sounds, from your note, as if you feel you've lost your best friend, and that's a wrenching feeling, I know. I wish I knew if anything has changed recently in your husband's life. Finances, his job, or some other transition? And I don't know if you lived together before marrying. Some couples who date for years but don't live together before marriage can experience a basic but major transition period.

Still, it's very clear you're experiencing a serious communication problem. A lack of openness or willingness to listen, anger and resentment, and ignoring a partner in distress are all signals that new skills are required, and urgently. There's no way to know the root of the issue from your note or description, but getting closer again, feeling safer, and becoming more comfortable speaking about what's happening would be my first priorities for you both.

Since this is so fundamental, I'm tempted to recommend counseling. For you first, Connie, so you can begin to get some support around the problems and concerns you've unsuccessfully brought to your husband. If your husband can't be available, you still need help and should seek it. We all require guidance, reassurance and perspective, so I think it might be wise if you gave that to yourself for a little awhile.

When you feel more grounded and have some tools, I'd ask your husband to share the emotional work of this new marriage with you. The book Getting the Love You Want is a very practical, balanced, and approachable resource for couples. You can buy two copies and each do the exercises, some together, some separately. It's really very non-threatening and well-paced, but also rich and encouraging. Relationships take work, and tough times can require special dedication and effort.

If your husband is unwilling to try the book approach, I'd move to plan B, which is couples counseling. As ever, be gentle and clear, and be firm about its importance to you and the health of the relationship. Let him know that you miss him and love him, and that you need his participation. Besides, it's a safe place for you both, and from there you can make your way back to each other. I can feel that you love your husband and miss the ways you were close. Mutual care and understanding are possible again, Connie, and with a little time and effort, I believe your marriage can thrive.

Texas Offering Cash Incentive For Pre-Marriage Counseling

SavvySugar — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 04:00:27 -0700

Texas lawmakers can't stop couples from walking down the aisle, but they can make it more expensive to be named husband and wife. There's a high divorce rate in Texas and lawmakers think that number will go down if couples undergo pre-marriage counseling. A new federally funded program called Twogether in Texas is based on the hope that couples would rather sit through counseling sessions than pay extra for their marriage licenses.

Beginning this month, licenses that used to cost $41 will now cost $71. If couples participate in the Twogether in Texas program and take an approved eight-hour class, the state charges only $11 for the license. Do you think paying $60 less is worth eight hours of free counseling?

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Why Did He Wait to Tell Me This?

DearSugar — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 09:00:00 -0800

DearSugar and Blindsided Betsy need your help. Her husband just came clean and told her that he's unhappy in their relationship and has been for quite a while now. She doesn't understand why they didn't have this conversation before they got married and she's both devastated and angry. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my husband for six and a half years (married for one), and two weeks ago, he came to me and told me that he isn't fulfilled in our relationship and hasn't been for some time now. He said that I am a wonderful, gorgeous, perfect wife/woman, but my communication skills are lacking and my conversation isn't stimulating enough for him. He doesn't know what he wants to do, but he does know that he isn't happy. Mind you he's never said anything to me about this before - never!

I feel like I've given so much to this relationship, including moving to another state and giving up the job I loved, and this is what I get in return? The fact that he's decided to tell me that he doesn't feel like we're "compatible" after we're already married upsets me to no end. We are going to counseling for the next three months, but there are no guarantees that anything will change in his mind, and quite frankly, I feel like the damage he's caused is irreversible. I love him and always thought he loved me too, so has our entire relationship been a sham? I just don't know what to think anymore and I fear that I've wasted seven years of my life only to become a divorcée. I don't know what to do now so any advice would be a huge help. - Blindsided Betsy

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Desperate Housewives Rundown Season 6 Premiere "Nice Is Different Than Good"

BuzzSugar — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 09:30:36 -0700

The season six premiere of Desperate Housewives opens with Mike's much-anticipated wedding and then takes us on a series of flashbacks to the weeks leading up to the big event.

With Edie out of the picture and a new housewife on the block, Mike's marriage isn't the only scandal happening on Wisteria Lane. To chat about the exciting season premiere, just read more.

Susan - She's been avoiding Katherine since she and Mike got back together but is forced to see her when she stops by Bree's house. Hiding behind Lynette, she manages to avoid a confrontation until a delivery man leaves Susan's wedding dress at Katherine's house, leaving her no choice but to go over and pick it up. When Susan stops by, Katherine opens the door wearing the dress - and teases her by cooking red pasta sauce dangerously close to the dress. It's obvious that Katherine is upset about the wedding, but Susan is determined that it be her special day. Susan might have more than Katherine to worry about with Julie back in town being courted by Danny, the new housewife's son.

Bree - Still estranged from Orson and toying with an affair with her divorce lawyer Carl, Bree struggles with her adulterous feelings. When Orson begs her to rethink the divorce and consider counseling, she realizes that "guilt is a small price to pay for happiness" and books a hotel room for a rendezvous with Carl - in clean sheets, of course.

Gaby - Carlos's niece Mariana is living at the house and pushing Gaby's patience. Gaby sees right through Mariana's tricks and tries to keep her teenage ways under control by monitoring what she wears to school and implementing a 10 p.m. curfew. Gaby sees a lot of her teenage self in Mariana and doesn't want her to have to go through the same struggles that she did, so she signs papers to legalize her and Carlos's guardianship over Mariana.

Lynette - Three months pregnant with twins and realizing she'll be 60 years old when they graduate from high school, Lynette is stressed out about the idea of adding two more to the family. In the waiting room at the doctor's office, she scares a young new mom-to-be out of her elation with details about saggy boobs, constant breastfeeding, and absent husbands. Later, she and Tom are together for the first ultrasound, and when she doesn't show any excitement for the babies, Tom confronts her. She breaks down and says she doesn't love the babies liked she loved their other kids. Tom assures her that once she holds them she will, but she doesn't seem too convinced.

Katherine - Crazed from losing Mike, Katherine is a mix of depressed and resentful. She and Susan still haven't spoken since the breakup, and she intends to get a public apology from Susan - at her and Mike's wedding. Susan refuses and locks her in a closet before the ceremony, but she manages to get out and meet them in the aisle after the ceremony. Even after Susan gives in and apologizes in front of the entire church, it's pretty clear that Katherine won't be letting go of her heartbreak, or resentment for Susan, any time soon.

Angie - The mysterious new housewife on the block (spitfire Drea de Matteo) brings her husband Nick and son Danny to Fairview. We see that, obviously, they left some dark past behind when we get a glimpse of some pretty gnarly scars on Angie's back. But Angie won't be the only one stirring things up since Danny seems to have a sordid past too. After he and Julie go on a date and get in a fight and he goes missing after Mike and Susan's wedding, we are left to wonder who mysteriously strangled Julie and escaped the scene.

What did you think of the season premiere? Was there enough crazy and intrigue to keep you watching another season?

Ask an Agnostic: I Cheated on My Husband and Feel Guilty

TresSugar — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a Christian woman who cheated on her husband feels guilty and needs advice; she'll get some from an agnostic. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair. I'm a good woman, and I do love my husband very deeply but I have a problem with being alone and he is not here. I have always had a problem with cheating and I have never been faithful in a relationship. I recently ended the affair but the guilt is killing me and I don't know what to do, especially as a Christian woman.

Signed,
Guilty as Sin

To hear what an agnostic has to say, read more

Dear Guilty,

I don't know what to tell you "as a Christian woman," as I am an agnostic woman and religion doesn't factor into my life, but I will tell you what I know about cheaters and cheating. It may not assuage your guilt, but perhaps it will help you to figure out why you continue to sabotage your relationships and undermine your self-esteem, and hopefully it will get you into therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you keep stepping out on people you say you love so deeply.

I have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves. I've heard many justifications for cheating, and they all seem to be variations on the theme of, "I'm being cheated, so I have a free pass to cheat." Let's say they feel cheated because they're not being paid attention to by their partner. Instead of expressing this to the partner and seeing how they can remedy it to their mutual satisfaction (or, if there's no remedy, to get the hell out of the relationship), they grab onto what they can to fill that void, their partner be damned. It's a passive-aggressive act that seems to say, "I am too powerless (or chicken) to directly confront this head-on, so I will get what I can on the down-low."

Or let's say they're jealous of their partner, who might be more successful, happier or have more sexual experience than they. Cheating for them accomplishes two things. Out of resentment that life hasn't given them what they wanted, and out of a feeling of egoic deficiency - they get a quick fix of attention from another person (filling a void inside by outside validation), and they secretly punish their partner for having what they don't.

You say you've never been faithful in a relationship, so although you almost blame your husband for your cheating ("he is not here"), you also admit you are the one with the problem. This is a good first step. So what to do now? There are two schools of thought about what you should do if you've cheated and stopped.

One school says that to tell the person you cheated on would be selfish; all it would accomplish is to put your burden on them. This school of thought says you should just suck it up and vow to yourself you'll never do it again. Another school says that you must come clean and give the other person a chance to decide whether or not they want to forgive you or work on the relationship with you.

This is a personal decision I can't make for you. For me, cheating is an (almost) irreparable act of contempt for the person you're in a relationship with. If it happened to me, I would want to have the chance to determine whether or not the person who did it was a) truly sorry, and b) sure it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I'd want someone of questionable ethics to decide on my behalf. Plus, I'd have more respect for someone who came clean even at the risk of losing the relationship.

What seems most important to me is that you figure out why, especially if you believe in the pretty rigid moral code of Christianity (especially when it comes to sexual matters), you keep on cheating? Maybe you are rebelling against this moral code. What do you lack within your marriage (but more importantly, within yourself) that you're getting from attention outside your marriage? (Maybe your husband travels a lot, leaving you alone. Lots of people are alone, though, without feeling empty inside. This is an important distinction.) Are you someone who doesn't feel comfortable confronting others, or asking for what you want? This "people-pleasing" attitude often means a lot of repressed anger, which can lead to cheating.

Whatever you decide to do, the first step I would recommend you take is to repair the relationship you have with yourself. If your actions don't square with your beliefs about right and wrong, you need to confront that first before you begin to heal your relationship with your husband. Hope that helps and good luck to you.

Katie Spends Sunny Day Shopping With Sister and Mum

PopSugarUK — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 03:30:00 -0700

Following her trip to a bridal wear shop, Katie Price relaxed with her mum Amy and sister Sophie with yet more retail therapy in Brighton at the end of this week. Kate continues to receive criticism, with Loose Women's Carol McGiffin making her feelings known, but Kate still has plenty fans who dream of meeting her. Kate herself is apparently dreaming of giving her new love interest Alex Reid a £100,000 cosmetic makeover including Botox, collagen for his nose and surgery on his ears. She spoke about men on Radio 2 yesterday, saying:

"I like a man with a talent. They have to have some kind of drive. It's very unattractive for a man to be none of those things... I never wanted to split up with [Peter]. The reasons he split up with me were so stupid - it was all to do with the Andrew guy. It was us working together and that was a big issue for him... When anyone gets married, you have to change a bit to compromise. But there's changing someone and completely changing someone. I love him as the father of my children but in the last two years we had marriage counselling. It's as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now."

We'll continue to hear about their split, as Peter's side of the story is on sale tomorrow.

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What Factors Have Put a Strain on Your Relationships?

TresSugar — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 04:00:00 -0700

The Internet is increasingly putting a strain on marriages in Ireland and presumably on relationships in other countries, too. According to a major marriage counseling service in Ireland, too much time spent in cyberspace by one partner is becoming more common as the number one problem in a marriage.

Even perfectly healthy relationships often have a weak spot. Be it financial concerns, an insatiable appetite for video games, or the insufferable in-laws, there's a variety of things that can put a strain on your relationship. What's your number one complaint from your current or past relationship?

Don't Charge These Purchases to Your Credit Card

SavvySugar — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:30:10 -0700

Whether we like it or not (and I can't imagine anybody likes it), credit card companies have gotten into the habit of monitoring the behavior of their customers based on the purchases they make. Yes, your card issuer might be watching you. And they're making conclusions about your credit worthiness based on your spending behavior.

Robert Manning, author of Credit Card Nation, partnered up with Marketplace to compile a list of the 10 things you shouldn't charge to your credit card if you don't want credit card companies to question the state of your finances.

Traffic tickets: "A lot of people who have charged traffic tickets have defaulted on their cards."
Retreading your tires: "If you've bought new tires in the past, this can look like a desperate move."
Bargain binges: "If you haven't used your credit card at a 99-cent store or at Wal-Mart, don't start now!"
Adult playthings: "Porn is seen as escapism by card companies. And guess what they're thinking you're trying to escape from? Financial worries."
Marriage counseling and therapy: "Divorce can destroy your finances. Needing therapy may also make it look like you're unstable."

See the five other purchases to avoid when you read more.

Lottery tickets: "You don't want your card company to think you're irresponsible - or a gambler."
Cash advances: "Tapping your card for cash? Or using a credit-card check to pay other bills? Not a good look."
Personal pampering: "If you don't normally splurge at the spa, don't put your facial or massage on your plastic."
Income taxes: "Whenever you rack up one bill (by using your credit card) to pay another bill (your taxes) it raises a red flag."
Booze: "Springing for too many drinks may be a sign of job stress, financial stress, or relationship stress."

Would You Go to an Adult Sex Ed Class?

TresSugar — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 09:33:22 -0700

Some religious people may object to sex education for kids, but churches around the country are increasingly offering such courses for adults.

In fact, a specific group of churches puts sexuality at the heart of their mission. Over 40,000 children and adults have taken at least one of the group's "Our Whole Lives" courses, which emphasize the important role sex plays in our lives. A spokesperson explained: "Your sexuality doesn't end after you stop having babies or get divorced or after you turn 60. It is who we are in our core. We feel it has to be integrated into our spirituality because, for us, spirituality is about wholeness."

Unlike sex therapy or marriage counseling, sex education courses aren't necessarily for people who have serious problems in their relationships. Varied topics covered in the courses include how to enjoy sex after losing a breast to breast cancer, how to manage being a parent and a sexual person, and how to feel sexually satisfied if you're not married.

Would you considering taking one of these courses?

Katie Keeps It Local While Peter Celebrates Bollywood in China

PopSugarUK — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 03:00:00 -0700

Katie Price and Peter Andre were on opposite sides of the world yesterday, as it was revealed that they tried marriage counselling in a bid to save their relationship. Kate, who has bought a new horse, was in London, wearing a cheeky t shirt for a meeting and then changing into an animal print dress for a night out at Nobu, never missing an opportunity for self-promotion. Meanwhile, Peter was in China for the International Indian Film Academy Awards. Known as the Bollywood Oscars, Peter will present an award at the ceremony and joked about moving in to Indian cinema. He spoke about how he's coping with the split, saying:

"The past four weeks have been the worst of my life. It was hell. No matter what happens, you never stop loving someone. Initially I couldn’t even have thought about work – my head was everywhere. It still is everywhere. But it’s been a month now and I know I’ve got to start pulling myself together. The response I’ve had since being in China has been absolutely amazing. This, and the work I am doing now, is beginning to give me confidence again. Singing has given me something to focus on. I never expected the attention I’ve been getting and I am so glad this is happening. I’ve only been here a couple of days but it’s already turned out better than I ever hoped. Finally, I am beginning to smile again. It’s not like I’m a bundle of joy now, but it’s getting better. I’m even cracking terrible jokes!"

It's good to see Kate and Peter focusing on their passions to help deal with their separation.

Loads more pictures of Peter and Katie, so just read more.

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