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Emotional Affairs: Just as Bad as Regular Affairs

TresSugar — Fri, 22 May 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Just like old-fashioned physical affairs, emotional affairs can leave a partner feeling deceived and betrayed. An emotional affair isn't filled with steamy hotel-sex sessions; instead, the unfaithful find themselves confiding in and flirting with a "friend" of the opposite sex. They look forward to the other person's attention in the form of secretive meetings, phone calls, text messages, or emails, while they withdraw from their partners. While there's no sex, the most hurtful marker of an affair is there: the breach of trust.

One marriage counselor says more of her clients are having emotional affairs these days. She credits the abundance of sexually suggestive material in modern magazines, film, television, and overall society, which makes it hard to know when we cross the line of inappropriate behavior.

Do you think it's obvious when you step into emotional-affair territory, or is it hard to tell when a friendship has stopped being harmless?

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You Asked: Should I Leave My Husband?

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for 11 years, and my husband admitted to me three weeks ago that he's been sleeping with a girl that he worked with. I am hurt and very upset and don't know if I can trust him again. I gave him a ultimatum and he chose me, but I have a gut feeling that they are still in contact with each other. I check his phone to see if they talk, but he always deletes his call history. I don't know if I should end my marriage. When he told me about them sleeping together, he said he deeply regretted it and would never do it again. He also told me that it only happened once, but I don't believe him.

We've been together for 16 years and have two grown kids together. I just don't know what to do. Should I confront the other woman or just leave things alone? I've suggested seeing a marriage counselor, but he refuses. I don't know where to go from here. - Desperate Dede

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Desperate Dede,

It's pretty clear that you don't trust your husband, and I don't blame you after hearing about his actions. Our gut instincts are a very powerful tool so if yours are telling you that he's still seeing this woman, he probably is. His shady behavior is not acceptable, but only you know if leaving him is the right decision.

The fact that he's opposed to seeing a marriage counselor leads me to believe he's still carrying on this affair. I'm sure you love your husband, Dede, but do you love him enough to be in an unhappy marriage? If the answer is no, you need to take immediate action. Cheating is not OK and he needs to know that there are consequences to his actions. If you have someplace you can stay for a while, I suggest you move out. Let him know that you're serious and not afraid to stand up for yourself.

If you want to fight for you marriage to work, you have to make sure he's willing to fight as well. Without trust and respect, you really don't have much of a relationship, so communicate your feelings, ask him to do the same, and hopefully you'll figure out your next step sooner than later. I wish you luck.

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You Asked: Should I Give Him Another Chance?

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just found out on Monday that my husband has been having an affair for eight months. We have been married for 13 years and although we have the usual ups and downs of marriage, I never suspected a problem with us - we are a sincerely normal, happy couple. I actually found out from his girlfriend's ex-husband - yes, she was married too. My husband fessed up when confronted, said he was sorry, and claimed he doesn't know why he did it except that it made him feel excited and "wanted" again like, when a relationship first starts.

I asked him to honestly tell me what he wanted and he said he wants me and his children. He swears he loves me and thought he was in love with her, but doesn't think he really was. He said he made it clear from the beginning that he would never leave me for her. I am at a total loss. He has ceased all contact with her, changed his cell phone number and taken his cell and computers off password protected; all at my request. This woman is insisting that he is only with me because of our kids and that he doesn't love me anymore - she claimed he loves her. He tells me she is wrong and that he never stopped loving me. I am so confused and worst of all, I love him and want to work things out. I want my marriage to survive this. Do you have any advice? - Not Sure Suzanna

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Not Sure Suzanna,

Let me first say that my heart truly goes out to you. Though I don't doubt that you love your husband, and while I understand people make mistakes, I'm uncomfortable with his eight month mistake. If he simply wanted the "new" feeling again, why would he carry on such a long affair?

Cheating is a very selfish act and even though some marriages can survive infidelity, it takes a lot of commitment, trust, and brutal honesty. If you decide to take on that challenge, I suggest you seek a couples counselor as well as a personal therapist. Being cheated on comes with an array of feelings - insecurity, guilt, anger, sadness, etc. - but it's important to know that it's not your fault. Your husband was the one who chose to risk his marriage and family for the thrill of another woman, and he needs to feel the consequences.

I wish I could give you a more definite answer here, but unfortunately you're the only person that can decide if he deserves a second chance. I'm sure your husband is sorry for what he's done and the pain he's caused, but if your gut is telling you not to forgive him, I'd advise you to listen to it. Though I'm not a firm believer in the notion of once a cheater, always a cheater, I do feel the saying has some validity. Trust your heart and your head and everything will fall into place if you keep the lines of communication wide open. Good luck.

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Group Therapy: Should I forgive My husband Or Should I Just Leave Him?

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 04:00:00 -0800

Two years ago my husband confessed to a secret drinking problem. That day he went to rehab and spent 30 days getting sober. His betrayal and confession nearly destroyed me; it was the lowest time of my life. I wanted to die, but I had two tiny babies that needed me. After his rehab, we went to a counselor and both worked very hard on rebuilding our broken relationship. It was a long, hard road (complete with a surprise pregnancy), but things seemed to be getting back on track.

18 months after the first confession, he delivered more bad news: He had racked up $20,000 in credit card debt that I didn't know about. Worse, he had missed payments and the interest rate was 30% for months before he noticed.

I am not sure I can move past two huge betrayals in one marriage - I was barely hanging on after the first one. I don't want to work on this relationship any more, but I don't want to go through the agony of divorce either. And we have three young kids now. He is an active dad and I don't want to do it totally alone. What should I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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You Asked: Having Marital Problems and Scared

DearSugar — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I are having marital problems. We've been married for two years, and two weeks into the marriage, his father went into the hospital with a ruptured esophagus. We spent many hours driving his mother back and forth and staying at the hospital at least four times a week. Sadly, he passed away last January and then we had to move in with his mother to help take care of her. She was totally depressed and very sick, and my husband dealt with it by drinking. She ended up with lung cancer and recently passed away as well.

It was obviously a really tough time for my husband, and now the drinking has escalated and he's really unhappy. Our sex life is pretty much nonexistent - we've probably only had sex about ten times in two years. I try to talk to him about this, but he says things like "just take your half and leave," and "go find someone else to have sex with, maybe that will make you happy."

Last night he went to the bedroom and shut the door, so I left him alone. In the morning, I saw that the shot gun he uses for hunting was down from the rack and sitting next to the bed. I'm not sure who he was going to use it on, but now I'm really worried. Since I can't talk to him, I am going to find a counselor and see if that will help. I love him and I know he loves me, but I don't know what to do.

-Scared and Broken-Hearted

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Scared and Broken-Hearted,

This is a really serious situation that you're in, and I'm worried for your life. A man battling with depression, who treats it with alcohol, and has access to a weapon is not a safe person for you to be around. I know that you love him and desperately want this relationship to work, but things are beyond you right now.

It's great that you are going to see a counselor. I'm sure they'll give you some great advice about how to deal with this situation and make things better. They may suggest, and I would agree, that you move out until he starts seeing a counselor, too, since he definitely needs someone to talk to about all this. He's got to realize that talking about his feelings is the only way to grieve his parents deaths, and that numbing his mind with alcohol is only a temporary fix.

After you get yourself into a safe living environment, perhaps with a family member or good friend, I would notify the police since you're worried that he may use the gun on himself. This may seem like an extreme response, but when your safety is at risk, you really can't be too careful. Emotional abuse is never okay in a relationship so you've got to look out for yourself and let professionals give him the help he needs. I hope things work out.

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Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: Should I Sign the Prenup?

E Jean Carroll — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 23:35:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean--

I’m engaged to be married to a wonderful man at the end of the summer. He comes from a very well known, prestigious family in our home town. We grew up together, went to the same high school, etc., but only began seeing each other about three years ago.

All of our wedding planning is finalized, but over the weekend, he dropped a bomb on me. He told me his father wants me to sign a prenuptial. Obviously this caught me by surprise and has left a very sour taste in my mouth. My fiancé has been trying to reassure me that this was not his doing, but rather his father trying to protect his son.

I love this man and intend on spending the rest of my life with him, but this prenuptial looming over my head is making me feel like I am just not good enough for him or his family. I understand that prenups are important and necessary for certain situations, but I am no stranger to this family nor has our love for each other ever been questioned. I’m so confused, what should I do?

To see E. Jean's answer read more

CONFUSED MY CRUMPET: Bah! Prenups!

It’s never fun to begin a marriage by signing a document describing all the hideous ways you’re going to end it. Indeed, a prenup (or the “bomb” as you call it with such endearing perfection) is the opposite of a marriage vow. It slaughters trust, kills romance, puts sex on a financial basis; and I’m just talking about the good prenups.

That said, if you were wealthy, and he was a poor lad, I’d be screeching at you to get a contract. As Alec Baldwin told Elle magazine: “It’s about having a document that states how you’ll dissolve your marriage while you still have a shred of respect for each other.” Rich families require prenups to protect their huge assets. So grit your teeth, hire a stout-hearted attorney and hammer out a fair deal.

Some provisions I advise you to include:

Make it clear--in writing-- that splitting up is NOT an option for you, and that this prenuptial contract is an insult to your commitment to your future husband.
If any trouble arises in the marriage, your husband agrees to sit down and talk about it . . . until the problem is fixed. Failing that he agrees to see a counselor.
If the marriage flounders because your husband is unfaithful, you get X million dollars. (As PopSugar reported awhile back, Katie Holmes lawyer father “played hardball” with Tom Cruise about how much money Katie would receive if the marriage lasted five years/ten years/fifteen years, etc.)
When you earn your own millions, you agree to be generous with your husband.
You look forward to talking openly and often about finances; and you will begin discussions the very instant your fiancé provides you with a complete itemized list of his total worth--including, but not restricted to, stocks, bonds, salaries, property, future inheritances, along with his family’s holdings, properties, stocks, bonds, assigns, etc., etc. (Your father-in-law wants a pre-nup? Give him a prenup.)
All children you have together will be financially, spiritually, and emotionally protected.

Now. My darling, in the coming years you’ll endure many dust-ups, spats, and hassles with your husband. I know you love him, and no doubt he’s a captivating chap. But he’s also a dillweed. When he tried “to reassure (you) that it was not his doing, but rather his father;” (in plain English, when he refused to stand up to his dad) he showed himself to be less than brave in the Heroic Department. It means you’ll have to work doubly hard to keep the love and respect in your marriage because, frankly, he may turn out to be a pantywaist.

P.S. My second husband and I wrote up a prenup on a cocktail napkin in a Mexican restaurant with Geraldo Rivera officiating as attorney for both parties. I will tell you this: Geraldo is divine, but always hire your own lawyer.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com

You Asked: My Husband Took Advantage of Me

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been having problems for a while now. I wanted to leave the marriage, but instead we decided to seek professional help and go to counseling. Up until Saturday night, we had not had sex for two months; I'm struggling so much with our marriage that I'm just not able to be intimate right now.

But on Saturday, we went to a get-together then out with old friends. I had a few more drinks than usual and to make a long story short, I woke up next to him naked. He admits that we had sex, although I have no recollection of it. At first I was only angry at myself for drinking too much, but the more I remember of that night, the more I think it was his intention to get me into bed the whole time. Am I wrong to be so angry days later?

- Very Upset Vicki

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Very Upset Vicki,

Obviously you and your husband are grappling with some difficult issues, and though I can't make a claim about your husband's motives, I can say that if you feel violated in any way, you have every right to be upset. While it may be impossible to prove that his intentions that night were anything less than decent, you shouldn't even be in the position of having to consider the possibility that your own husband took advantage of your drunken state. Your relationship will be impossible to fix if you can't trust him when you're vulnerable.

I think it's imperative that you and your husband make a trip to your counselor to discuss the situation and your feelings surrounding it. Furthermore, if you're not already, it may be time to start making personal appointments too, because no matter what happens with your marriage, it sounds like there's more going on than meets the eye. Perhaps it's time to start talking through those challenging emotions without the burden of your husband's feelings or even his presence in the room.

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You Asked: How Can I End My Affair?

DearSugar — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been having an on again/off again relationship with a married man for the past eight years. I've been married for 16 years and we have four older children together. My husband found out about the affair two years ago and I ended it for a while, worked on my marriage, but now I am picking things back up with my lover again and I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice?
- Having an Affair Heidi

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear Having an Affair Heidi,

This sounds like a lose-lose situation Heidi. I think you know where I stand on affairs, but it sounds like there's something much deeper going on here. First of all, I have to ask you why you're going through the motions with your husband when it's pretty clear that you're no longer interested in making your marriage work? Not only are you jeopardizing your relationship with your husband, but you're clearly not thinking of your children either, let alone this other man's family. Since he forgave you the first time around, he must love you a great deal but if you want to continue having this affair, my advice to you is to leave your husband first.

If you're simply turning to this other man because you've hit a rough patch in your marriage again, try talking to your husband. I also highly recommend seeing a marriage counselor who could help guide you both on how to look deeper into this situation. Affairs are incredibly selfish, and while I can only speculate, they can't make you feel very good about yourself either. If at the end of the day, you can't let go of this other man, I think you should do the selfless thing and go your own way so he can go his own way, too. Yes, it will be hard and very painful for your family, but in the end, it will be the best thing for all involved. Good luck.

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Postpartum Depression

FitSugar — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 17:34:50 -0700

HEALTH GUIDE REFERENCE FROM A.D.A.M

Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression is a form of depression a mother experiences after the birth of her child. It is a complex mixture of physical, emotional, and behavioral changes and can be divided into three categories: postpartum blues, postpartum depression, and postpartum psychosis.

What Is It?

Having a baby can be both elating and exhausting. During the first few weeks after giving birth you may feel fatigue and some pain as your body heals. If you're like most women, you may also experience "maternity" blues (postpartum blues), a very mild form of depression. It begins three to six days after childbirth and lasts for up to two to six weeks. Experts believe these feelings are caused by hormonal changes (especially low estrogen levels or thyroid abnormalities), fatigue, and interrupted sleep. Symptoms can include feeling overwhelmed, confused, and nervous. The postpartum woman with the "blues" will frequently cry and do so for long periods of time. Patients describe having their feelings hurt rather easily, an irritability triggered by the most minor incidents, and most troubling, a lack of feeling for the baby. More than half of all women experience postpartum blues.

Postpartum depression (PPD), a more serious condition, is experienced by about 1 in 10 women. It usually begins around two weeks after childbirth, but sometimes may not appear until three to six months after giving birth. It can last for several months, and if left untreated, for several years. If you've experienced postpartum depression before, you have a 50% chance of getting it again. Women who have had major complications during pregnancy are twice as likely to have it as are women who've had a relatively easy pregnancy. There is a 15% to 25% risk of PPD in women with a prior history of depression.

Symptoms of PPD are: feelings of inadequacy; inability to cope; impaired concentration or memory; despondency or despair; thoughts of suicide; no feelings for the baby, or over-concern for the baby's health; guilt; panic attacks; feeling "out of control" or like you are "going crazy"; headaches; chest pains; heart palpitations; or hyperventilation. Other factors that can contribute to postpartum depression include: having other children at home; giving birth to twins; ambivalence about being pregnant; and having a previous history of depression.

Postpartum psychosis is a relatively rare occurrence (1 in 1,000 births) the onset of which is usually within the first three months of the postpartum period and tends to be severe and quick. Symptoms include: lack of appetite, hyperactivity, confusion, fatigue, mood swings, memory loss, and delusions or hallucinations both auditory and visual. These women are often overcome by an overwhelming sense of shame or hopelessness.

How Do I Know I Have It?

Symptoms of maternity blues include weepiness, anxiety, insomnia, mood swings, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, and loss of interest in sex. While some of these symptoms are similar to postpartum depression, keep in mind that maternity blues is milder and shorter-lasting. Call your health care provider if you have any concerns.

Postpartum depression comes in two forms: major and minor. Major depression is diagnosed when five or more of the below symptoms are present for at least a two-week period. Minor depression is diagnosed when two to four of the below symptoms are present for at least a two-week period. In both cases, at least one of the symptoms must include being in a depressed mood for most of the day or having a decreased interest in activities almost every day. Call your health care provider if you are experiencing any of these symptoms:

Depressed mood most of the day.
Noticeably decreased interest or pleasure in activities almost every day.
Noticeable weight loss or gain.
Decreased or increased appetite.
Insomnia or sleeping too much.
Fatigue.
Agitation or apathy.
Guilt.
Feelings of worthlessness.
Inability to concentrate.
Headaches.
Panic attacks.
Lack of feeling for the baby.
Fantasies of hurting the baby.
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide.

How Can I Treat It?

There are many things you can do on your own to help ease maternity blues or postpartum depression. The most important thing to do is take a step back and allow yourself some time to adjust to your new life. Here are some other tips:

Ask for help with daily activities.
Keep visits short with friends and family if you're feeling overwhelmed.
Get as much rest as possible.
Get out of the house whenever you have a chance.
Get together with other new moms.
Spend some time alone.
Make time for moderate aerobic exercise, like walking.

It’s important to understand that depression isn’t an attitude – you can’t just “snap out of it.” Depression develops when chemical changes in the way your brain works begin to affect how you feel. That’s a medical problem, and you should contact your health care provider and find out how to get help.

Many women benefit from support groups or psychotherapy, and working with a trained counselor. Group therapy with other postpartum moms can be especially helpful, because it connects you with other women making the overwhelming transition to motherhood.

Medication can also be very helpful. It’s thought that hormonal changes cause post-partum depression, and treatments may attempt to correct hormone imbalances, or treat depression-related changes in brain chemistry. If you are breastfeeding, your doctor can help you understand which medications are least likely to affect your baby.

Above all, make sure that you get help. Studies have shown that untreated depression has long-term effects on mothers and babies. It also strains marriages, and can cause depression in fathers. If you think you may have post-partum depression, contact your health care provider right away.

How Can I Prevent It?

Unfortunately, postpartum depression cannot be prevented, but planning ahead can help. While you are pregnant, try to mentally prepare for the numerous lifestyle changes that will soon take place. Find someone who will help with household chores and the baby during your first week home from the hospital; choose child care so that you can get a break on an ongoing basis; and decide ahead of time what you need to have on hand when the baby arrives. Having these things worked out before you give birth will provide some stability during a very unpredictable time.

In an attempt to prevent postpartum depression from occurring, several prenatal interventions have been proposed. The purpose is to provide a smooth transition into parenthood. These interventions address a wide variety of efforts to prevent the depressive episodes. They include prenatal classes to teach parenting skills, reliance on assistance from support personnel including spouses, family members, friends, and neighbors. Mothers-to-be are encouraged to verbalize their fears and anxieties well before the baby arrives and to continue these discussions even after delivery. This type of educational approach with specific attention to the psycho-social aspect of the pregnancy holds great promise.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I've been feeling wonderful ever since I brought my baby home a month ago. Is this good feeling going to go away and lead to depression?

A: Most likely, no. While maternity blues are common, and some women get postpartum depression, you’re probably out of the woods. Since the majority of maternity blues starts the first week after giving birth and postpartum depression sets in after the second week, it's safe to assume that you've escaped both conditions.

Q: What about the baby's dad? Can he get postpartum depression, too?

A: New fathers, especially first-timers, may also have feelings of sadness or anxiety, especially about feeling left out when all of the attention is focused on the mother and baby. Now is a good time to talk to each other about being new parents. Try to spend some time alone together, even if it's just for an hour. Many parents try to plan a regular date night so they can be together without the baby. Keep in mind that dads can get depressed too, and should seek help if they have any of the symptoms of postpartum depression.

Q: Is it safe to take antidepressants while breast-feeding?

A: You should talk with your doctor or lactation consultant. Most medicines that moms take do show up in their breast milk. However, there are usually antidepressants that you can take while breast-feeding. Discuss the options with your health care provider. Some women benefit from therapy and don’t need to take medication, while others really need medical treatment. Make sure you find a treatment that works for you.

Review Date:
2/20/2007
Reviewed By:
Douglas A. Levine, MD, Gynecology Service, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, New York, NY. Review provided by VeriMed Healthcare Network.

A.D.A.M., Inc. is accredited by URAC, also known as the American Accreditation HealthCare Commission (www.urac.org). URAC's accreditation program is an independent audit to verify that A.D.A.M. follows rigorous standards of quality and accountability. A.D.A.M. is among the first to achieve this important distinction for online health information and services. Learn more about A.D.A.M.'s editorial policy, editorial process and privacy policy. A.D.A.M. is also a founding member of Hi-Ethics and subscribes to the principles of the Health on the Net Foundation (www.hon.ch).

A.D.A.M. Copyright

The information provided herein should not be used during any medical emergency or for the diagnosis or treatment of any medical condition. A licensed medical professional should be consulted for diagnosis and treatment of any and all medical conditions. Call 911 for all medical emergencies. Links to other sites are provided for information only -- they do not constitute endorsements of those other sites. © 1997-2009 A.D.A.M., Inc. Any duplication or distribution of the information contained herein is strictly prohibited.

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Pregnancy Center Links

You Asked: Should I Try to Make This Work?

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am in a little bit of a dilemma and I need some advice. I got married at a very young age (19), one year after I had my first child. My pregnancy wasn't planned but we both decided that getting married would be the right choice. I have always loved my husband very much, but over the past two years, I don't feel emotionally or physically connected to him. I feel like he is my best friend, not my husband. We've separated in the past, but always got back together within a couple of months. The last time we separated, he said some really hurtful things that made me want to call it quits but there is still a piece of me that wants to make this work.

During this last separation I met someone else. We go to the same gym and every time we see each other we flirt a little, but nothing has ever happened. I think about him all the time, and every time I see him I feel like asking him out. I feel like we really have a strong connection, something that I haven't felt for my husband for about three years. I'm still married and trying to make my marriage work, but can't seem to get this guy out of my head. I am also trying to decide why I'm even trying to make my marriage work. Sometimes I feel like I'm only staying with him for financial reasons and because he is all that I have known since I was a freshman in high school. I also feel that I deserve to be happy and I can't help but feel that there is something more for me out there. I am just really confused and any help or advice would be really appreciated!
- Missing Out Olivia

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Missing Out Olivia,

It sounds as though you're at a real cross roads in your relationship so I think the best thing to do is take a few steps back and really try to look at your situation objectively. Since you married your husband because you felt it was the right thing to do rather than because you were ready, I'm not surprised that you've hit a few rough patches along the road. As much as you want to work everything out, it's really important to trust your gut and listen to your heart. When couples marry young like yourself, it's common for you both to grow as individuals, not necessarily as a couple. The feeling of being more like best friends than lovers is a popular predicament, but it is possible have both.

The first thing I would suggest is seeing a marriage counselor. It could be that you're thinking about this other man because he's giving you the attention that you husband isn't. If you voice your feelings to your husband, perhaps he will make the appropriate changes needed to make you happy. If you feel that your relationship has simply run its course, it's perfectly OK to move on with your life without him. It's never a good idea to stay in an unhappy relationship out of fear or dependency. Sure, it'll be very scary to leave him and to leave the comfort of someone you've known your entire adult life, but if you aren't happy, your child is bound to suffer as well. You both deserve to be in a loving relationship, but only you know what it will take to get there. I wish you luck.

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