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Pillow Talk: Infidelity and Second Chances

DearSugar — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 11:00:00 -0800

Marriages fail for many complicated reasons, and infidelity is often one of the most dramatic. According to a study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 25% of men and 15% of women have had affairs. And, according to a national private investigators survey, 85% of female clients and up to 50% of male clients were correct about their suspicions of unfaithfulness.

Can couples survive after an infidelity? Despite the heartbreak and anger, couples do find significant reasons to believe the relationship can still succeed. Some couples who choose to work through the underlying issues report developing a more solid bond than before the crisis.

What do you think? Can you imagine making it through an infidelity? Have you made it through one? Would you want to? I know this topic is sure to hit a few nerves out there, so give us your comments below.

You Asked: Is He Cheating on Me?

DearSugar — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I got married last September and ever since then, my relationship with my husband has completely changed. He has been wanting to do more and more things without me and he is just simply not the same man I thought he was. I have seen large receipts from the ATM and he has no accountability for where this money has gone. I'm just baffled, and have been suspecting another woman.

I was surfing the web and came across a quiz about cheating spouses. It sounds exactly like my husband, and according to my results, it says that most likely he's cheating on me. My question is should I actually hire a private investigator to find out the truth? Or should I just let his behavior continue? We've only been married for six months and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life like this. - Being Deceived Dede

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Being Deceived Dede,

I'm so terribly sorry that you're struggling with this, especially so soon into your marriage. Since you have no proof that your husband has been unfaithful, you're going to have to follow your female intuition, but instead of hiring a private investigator, I suggest you talk to him ASAP. Confront him and ask him outright if he's been with another woman. Don't accept any excuses, provide him with all the evidence you have, and try to be as rational as you can.

If he admits to your assumptions, you need to figure out how you want to proceed. This doesn't have to be a decision that's made overnight, but I agree with you, you should not have to live the rest of your life like this. When you take a marriage vow, it's assumed that both husband and wife will take that oath to heart, so if he's not living up to his end of the bargain, it might be a blessing in disguise that you found out sooner rather than later. I hope this is all a misunderstanding, but if it's not, continue to be strong and lean on your friends and family for support. Good luck to you.

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You Asked: Who Should I Be With?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I dated this guy several years ago. We always had amazing chemistry. We've known each other for almost 15 years, but he wasn't mature enough to handle a monogamous relationship when we dated, and he cheated repeatedly until we finally split up. After the breakup, I began seeing another man who, on paper, is a perfect catch - intelligent, sweet and funny - but we never quite clicked, and he never made me feel like my ex did. Regardless, we ended up getting married several years ago, but my ex has always been in my heart. He got married as well (to the woman he cheated with), but it didn't last and they are now divorced.

After his marriage ended, he walked back into my life. My husband and I had been having some problems for about two years, and when we saw each other again, we immediately clicked. I felt like I hadn't felt in years - I found my passion again, I found my drive, and I was happy. He admitted how much he missed me and how he had always loved me. As wrong as it is, I felt giddy again, and we've been having an affair for the last three years.

Yesterday, he told me that he can no longer do this, and I'm devastated. Apparently he's having thoughts of other women and is scared that if he can cheat with a married woman, he will cheat on me again. I don't know what to do, what direction to go, or which way to turn. Please point me in the right direction. - In Turmoil Izzy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

You sure have gotten yourself into quite a love triangle here, but even though you say you have strong feelings for your ex, it doesn't excuse the fact that you're a married woman who's been carrying on an affair for three years now. Not only are you being incredibly selfish, but you're also doing yourself a huge disservice by staying with a man you don't love, not to mention living a lie to the person you took vows with. As for your ex, it's pretty clear that he has no sense of commitment or loyalty - he cheated when he was with you and now he's allowing himself to be the other man all the while retaining his wandering eye. If you ask me, this isn't someone you want to be with regardless of the chemistry you feel. Sometimes, if things don't work out the first time, there's a reason for it.

Of course, only you can know which direction to take, but if I were you, I'd sever ties with both these men ASAP and take some much needed time for yourself to sort out your love life. Perhaps a clear head will make you realize what it is you really need and want out of a relationship. Good luck to you.

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Is Financial Infidelity Just as Damaging as a Physical Affair?

SavvySugar — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 04:10:37 -0700

Tara Padua Wise is a perpetual shopper who coined the term "fashion espionage" and is the subject of The Wall Street Journal's video profile on "Spouses Who Spend and Pretend." According to Tara, fashion espionage is ripping the tags off a new item and letting it hang in the closet for a month or two, and then coyly telling her spouse that he's seen it before when she finally does wear something new.

About half of you admitted that you've committed financial infidelity. Dr. Bonnie, author of Financial Infidelity says that financial infidelity can be just as damaging as any physical affair. Do you think she's right? Check out Tara and Dr. Bonnie in the video below.

You Asked: I'm in an Unhappy Marriage

DearSugar — Wed, 28 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been married to my husband for 12 years - we are both in our late 30s and have two children together. When we got together, I was in need of someone to help me get my life and habits under control, and he did just that. Although he is a good man and a wonderful father, he's also very controlling, although never violent or abusive. Over the years this has worn on me, and I am just not happy or in love with him anymore.

At a recent outing, I ran into an old classmate. What began as flirtatious and fun has turned into something much more. I am not proud of it, but I will not make any excuses. What I've realized, however, is that outside of our children, my husband and I share absolutely nothing in common. I want to end my marriage, but I'm scared for my kids; they love their dad, and I know this would break their hearts. I do not see marriage counseling as being effective, because the reasons I loved him no longer exist. I just feel very confused. What do I do?

- Ready to Break Free Felicia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Ready to Break Free Felicia,

Although I'm sure you know that having an affair is not the answer to this overwhelming sensation of dissatisfaction, obviously your marriage is no longer meeting your needs and has not been for some time. Needless to say, it sounds like it's time for you to start doing some practical planning in the steps to leave your husband.

First things first, end your affair. Then talk to your lawyer about what a separation and divorce will entail legally and in regards to the custody of your children. Once you have everything planned in your own mind, it's time to break the news to your husband. Obviously this will not be easy, but try to map out what will take place in the coming months. Once the dust has settled, approach your children together.

Although you may not want to consider marriage counseling, I think family therapy will not only help your children, but it'll also help you and your husband better understand how to handle this difficult situation. Remember, your kids are going to be needing you both more than ever, so try your hardest to keep things amicable. Best of luck to you.

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Your Two Cents: Have You Committed Financial Infidelity?

SavvySugar — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:36:51 -0700

Financial infidelity is committed when you intentionally hide your spending from your husband because you're afraid of what he'll say about it. Have you paid cash for items that you didn't want to appear on your joint credit card bill? Or maybe you've slyly disposed of shopping bags or receipts?

If you've agreed to combine finances with your husband, then chances are your tactics won't go forever unnoticed. Sure, it's great to treat yourself once in a while, but it's best to be honest about it to avoid any money arguments pitted around your lie.

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I Want More From my One Night Stand

DearSugar — Mon, 21 May 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
I had a one night stand a couple of weeks ago with a woman whom I know is married and is in the process of separating from her husband, but have no idea on the details. She is a good friend of a close female friend of mine. Now I've had a couple of these in the past and none of them have affected me, however, this was a little different. We met a month before having sex and we almost immediately, with little conversation, starting making out. We never got as far as sex the first time because her girlfriends pretty much dragged her away from me.

The second time we met, she pretty much picked ME up, even though I tried to avoid her so nothing would happen. Well, after a few too many drinks, we ended up going home and sleeping together. She left the next morning without saying goodbye, no note, nothing. Now I feel like I am attracted to this girl beyond just the sex. I am confused whether or not I should pursue this and if she feels the same way. Please help! --Home Wrecker Henry

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Home Wrecker Henry--

First of all, let me remind you that you are asking if you should pursue a relationship with a married woman... not the classiest of questions. Getting involved with a taken woman (remember, she is in the midst of getting separated from her husband, not divorced) and being the other man is no way to build a foundation for a potential relationship in the future if she were to become a single woman.

From what you have told me, your connection with this woman has been strictly physical from the get go; so don't confuse sex with love. My advice to you is keeping your distance. Since you don't know the details of their marital problems, you don't know if they are planning on working through their problems and making their marriage work. If you learn through your mutual friends later down the road that they have in fact divorced -- then, and only then, feel out your connection with this woman and go from there.

Divorces are not easy for anyone involved and they don't happen overnight. This sounds like a messy situation so your best bet is to chalk this incident up to two people having too much to drink and letting your libidos take the reins. I wish you luck.

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Stylish Cheryl Speaks About Ashley and Going Solo in Elle

PopSugarUK — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 08:05:00 -0700

Cheryl Cole stars in a gorgeous photoshoot in November's Elle magazine, and she also spoke exclusively to the magazine in an interview to accompany her stunning pictures. She underlines her previously expressed thoughts on trust, talks about Ashley's infidelity, marriage, family and the importance of female friendships. Check out some extracts from her interview:

On trust: Do you trust Ashley? "I don't trust anybody." Not even your mum? Yeah, me Mam. And me Dad. They're me parents. But you always hold that 20 percent back for yourself. Not everyone does. "Really? I think it's key. I think it's key for your own sanity. You've got to protect yourself."
On Ashley's infidelity: "I know from a perspective how it looks but it's not like that. And I'm not a stupid girl. I'm not one of those girls who can't see things for what they are. I've been out with idiots in the past. Ashley's such a nice guy. I still get the butterflies. Even when he rings my phone I get that thing."
On marriage: "I think marriages are something you have to work at. Marriages are not rose-petaled paths that you skip down, they were never intended to be. It's not supposed to be easy, it's not supposed to be perfect. That's why it's called a fairytale isn't it? It's not real. Love is real and the feelings of love are real. But the thought that everything is going to be rosy and there's never going to obstacles that come in your way, that there is never going to be any testing in life, I'd hate that. I want to experience life. I want to experience the bad to know what the good is."

To read more from Cheryl on the changing public perception of her, going solo, family and friendships, just read more.

On the previous negative public perception of her: "I didn't like myself when I read about me, so why would anyone else? I was quite obsessed with reading the stuff about myself and almost questioning my own self. Am I that person? My family don't seem to think so, my friends don't think so."
On going solo: "It's scary to put yourself out there to be judged again. That is absolutely the fear of going solo. And I'm talking about the fear of God, from my toes to my hair... I can catch Ashley playing [my] songs on his iPod, it's quite sweet really."
On family: I can't wait to have children. Even if all this went tomorrow and I just had my family and my kids and my husband and my parents, I'm happy. The thing people don't realise about football is that [Ashley's] career could end tomorrow with an injury. You just don't know. So maybe he'll end up being a house husband and I'll still end up working a little bit. Who knows how I'll feel when I've had the child."
On friendship: "Imagine that you had no girlfriends. You're in the shit. Men don't understand hormones. We need each other."

Read the full interview in November's ELLE UK magazine, on sale today!

View 3 Photos ›

DAVID SLIJPER / courtesy of ELLE Magazine

Mad Men: This Week's 5 Maddest Moments

BuzzSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 08:30:23 -0700

It's Summer in the '60s in this week's Mad Men, and the latest episode, "Souvenir" is all about getting out of dodge or being left behind, and how it affects relationships.

Pete, Don and Betty are the focus of this week, though for once, Don isn't the one getting into trouble. Lots of mad moments from this episode, so to see what I thought (spoilers ahead!), just read more.

The kiss: Betty lets Henry kiss her after the reservoir victory at city hall. For all her previous flirtatiousness, she acts reluctant as Henry butts his head into the car aggressively - not that she doesn't kiss back or anything. Later, she tells Sally how special first kisses are and that you can never have the first one with someone again. This wistful speech sounds like it's coming from a blushing 15-year-old, and you know she's thinking of her own encounter. "I'm done with that," she says to Francine about the reservoir, but she means Henry, and I believe her - not because her guilty conscience will stop it, but because of Betty's immaturity. She got chased by a boy she liked, kissed him, now she's over it.
Roman holiday: How glam were Don and Betty arriving in Rome? The '60s Italian movie star getup on Betty is a bit jarring, but I was into their sexy "strangers in Rome" game. As much as these two hurt each other in their marriage, I still find myself rooting for them, and when things are going great, their Ken and Barbie perfection is impossibly romantic. But when they come home and back to their real lives and real problems, it's heartbreaking to see Betty's bitterness.
The affair of the party dress: Pete, Pete, Pete. The German au pair next door first brings out Pete's decent side, when he kindly offers to help the distraught girl with a stained dress. That is, until booze, loneliness, and general Pete Campbell-ness propel him into dirtbag territory. How far do things go? We can guess, but either way, it's horrible and a new low for Pete. Ugh, and how smarmy is the neighbor from next door when he comes over to confront Pete? It's totally OK to sexually assault nannies, bro, just not my nanny! Great advice.
Willful wifely ignorance: I didn't completely hate Pete toward the end, because his sullen face when Trudy comes home actually showed shame, which is more than you can say for Mr. Donald Draper. Trudy seems to know exactly what went on in her absence, but stalking off and then accepting Pete's proposal that she not leave town without him again are all she needs to move past her husband's infidelity. Some things in this show are pretty hard to watch as a woman, and the relationship behavior is one of them. It's a bummer: the women are doormats because they were expected to be.
Joanie & Petie: I was thrilled when Joan shows up at the department store to help Pete, looking all gorgeous and chic. Her interaction with Pete is a little more relaxed than it was at the agency, but the whole thing is still a little awkward. She's got to come back to Sterling Cooper, and I hope we don't have to wait too long; she's one of my favorite characters.

There was a lot of action for a show that's not usually known for it, and I love when we get to see the 1960s in another setting; in this case, Italy. What did you think? Do you really think Betty is done with Henry? What's your opinion of Pete now? And to talk more about the show, check out the Mad Men Group in the BuzzSugar community!

Photo courtesy of AMC

For Elizabeth Edwards, Resilience Means Sticking by Her Man

TresSugar — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:00:00 -0700

Elizabeth Edwards has hit the talk show circuit to promote her new book Resilience and to explain why she didn't leave her unfaithful husband John. On the Today Show this morning, she said of her husband's infidelity: "He made this one mistake."

Elizabeth isn't the only wife to stick by her cheating politician after he made her suffer public embarrassment. Hillary Clinton and Silda Spitzer made similar decisions to stay around publicly after their husbands chose to stray from them. Last week, New York's former first couple Eliot and Silda Spitzer went out on the town with smiles and handholding, as if the prostitution scandal that kicked Eliot out of power never happened. As for Hillary, her choice to stay with Bill has often been boiled down to a politically motivated decision, rather than one of love and forgiveness.

Elizabeth Edwards says that her marriage vows, the fact that she promised to be with John for better or worse more than 30 years ago, made her want to stick it out. NY Times columnist Maureen Dowd has a different take on why Elizabeth stayed: "She had put so many quarters in the shiny slot machine of their mutual ambition."

What would you do: walk away, or stay married for better or for worse? What do you think about the decision these women have made to stay?

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