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Relationship Protocol: Have You Talked About Marriage?

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

If a relationship lasts long enough, it's natural for thoughts about the long-term future to arise. And figuring out if you and your significant other are on the same wavelength can help you determine whether or not your relationship should continue.

But while considering the future is common, and often important, there's still something inherently scary and exciting when having a talk about marriage for the first time. That's probably why many people jump right into it and others tend to hold off. So tell me, have you talked about marriage or the possibility of it with your boyfriend yet? And, if so, how long did you wait before bringing it up?

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Are Video Proposals Online Cowardly or Cute?

TresSugar — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:00:42 -0800

Last night Tumblr users signed on to see "Marissa Nystrom, will you marry me?" bannered across their dashboards, whether or not they followed proposer Justin Johnson's blog. The link goes to this genuinely thoughtful, romantic, and well-edited video, but I presume his girlfriend follows his blog. So the only reason I can see to link the video to the world is to consummate its place in the controversial genre of public marriage proposals.

Public proposals seem unabashedly confident at first, but only the most heartless, unafraid-to-make-a-scene askee would say no. Put it on video and not only is he not asking her in person, but he's putting pressure on her to say yes in front of the largest stage of all. And when it's online, you can't leave your audience behind.

First Couple Had to Negotiate Their Roles in Marriage

TresSugar — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0700

Last night, President Obama spoke to NBC about how he and Michelle had a discussion about gender roles and marriage once they had kids. He explained:

"Michelle was trying to figure out, OK, if the kids get sick why is it that she's the one who has to take time off of her job to go pick them up from school, as opposed to me? What I tried to do was to learn to be thoughtful enough and introspective enough that I wasn't always having to be told that things were unfair."

Based on the Obamas's visibly happy marriage, and the new study that suggests splitting housework leads to a better sex life, it seems that sharing responsibilities for the family and house can only be a win-win for spouses. Still, the president admits that because she's a woman, Michelle still had to make sacrifices he didn't have to. Have you ever spoken to your partner about expectations based on gender roles?

To see video of the president talking about his relationship with Michelle, read more.

New Rules of Marriage?

DearSugar — Thu, 22 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Whether you're dating, planning a wedding, or already married, I'm sure you've gotten a lot of relationship advice from other married folks. If they've listed off any of the soft rules of marriage, you might want to do some new research. On a recent segment on The Today Show, Rosemary Ellis, the editor-in-chief of Good Housekeeping, shared some new and improved rules of marriage that you should check out below.

Old Myth	New Rule	Explanation
Never go to bed angry.	Sleep on it, but before you roll over in a huff, give your partner a six-second kiss.	If you're blood is boiling and you're frustrated with your honey, duking it out all night won't help. Though kissing before you go to bed won't necessarily solve your problems, it will remind you of your special connection so you can talk about it the next day with a clear and level head.

Want to see the other myths? Then read more.

Old Myth	New Rule	Explanation
As you get older, sex isn't as important.	There's no reason you won't grow more sexually connected.	The more comfortable you feel with a person, the more confident you'll be to ask for what you want and try new things.
As a marriage grows, you'll realize that you've grown apart and fallen out of love.	Marriages don't run on feelings - in order for them to thrive, both partners need to do their fare share of work.	Working through your differences and talking through your disagreements and issues will make your relationship stronger.
Couples who stay together have a lot in common.	It's actually the couples who don't have a lot in common who are often happiest.	You don't have to love doing everything together all the time as long as you do set aside time to be together. Also, having different interests is a plus because it'll keep you happy and secure as an individual, which can only benefit your relationship.
Every guy has a midlife crisis.	It's actually a "reinvention," and women go through it too.	Everyone's life goes through change. Maybe your career takes off in a different direction, or your children leave home, or a parent passes away. The first half of your life is different than the second half, but the second half should get better!

I don't necessarily agree with all of these "new" rules, but what about you? Is there some merit to these news ways of thinking about marriage? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

You Asked: My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Marry Me

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I asked my boyfriend of four years if we could get married and he said no. He said he wants our relationship to be perfect, but no relationship is perfect!

I want to feel like he wants to be with me, and getting married would prove just that. As it is, we have sex once every two weeks and I'm beginning to feel like he's just not that into me anymore. Recently I surprised him, came downstairs in only my bra and panties, and he told me to move out of the way of the TV while he was playing video games.

Does it seem like I'm just being a nag or is he just being unfair? All I ever wanted from him was to have the American dream. He gave me a promise ring but I want an engagement ring. I want something that lets me know he thinks I'm special enough to spend the rest of his life with. I know for a fact with all my heart that he is my one true love. What should I say to him? How should I explain to him how I feel about this? Am I asking too much or what?

-Ready for Marriage Mandy

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Ready for Marriage Mandy,

You are right that no relationship is perfect, and waiting for perfection could take a lifetime. When you're with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you both get a special feeling, and you just know that it's right. You're either ready for that or you're not, and it sounds like he's just not ready, so you need to ask him why.

It's also extremely important to get married for the right reasons. An engagement won't necessarily act as a proof of how special you are to him - he needs to show you that. Believe me when I say that marriage will not fix the issues in your relationship or prove that he wants you. Marriage won't change him or your relationship. It's a little piece of paper that you sign and it won't magically make someone act the way you want him to.

You've got to tell him that you need more from this relationship. Tell him that you feel like he's not showing you the love and affection that you deserve. Explain that you are in love and ready to take this relationship to the next level, but tell him why. Find out what he wishes was different and ask him if he thinks he'll ever want to get engaged. Many people have issues with marriage, so make sure you're on the same page. The only way you're going to know what your future holds is if you have an open and honest conversation about this. Good luck Mandy.

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All You Need Is Love . . . Not!

TresSugar — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 09:58:16 -0700

Researchers at Australian National University set out to discover what makes couples stick together and ended up with a long list of circumstances that make couples more likely to split up.

For six years, the study tracked 2,500 couples who were married or living together. Some factors that influence a relationship's staying power include:

Age: A husband who is nine or more years older than his wife is twice as likely to get divorced. The same goes for a husband who marries before 25.
Children: One-fifth of couples who have kids before marriage (either from a previous relationship or the same relationship) separated, compared to nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.
Parents: Sixteen percent of people whose parents separated or divorced experienced marital separation, compared to 10 percent of those whose parents never separated.
Past relationships: Partners who are on their second or third marriages are 90 percent more likely to separate than those on their first marriage.
Smoking: When only one partner smokes, a couple is more likely to split up.

Are you surprised by any of these findings?

Source: Flickr User foundphotoslj

Bad Relationships Could Damage Your Heart

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Being in a bad relationship definitely breaks your heart, but new research is showing that it can literally harm this important organ. Bad marriages or relationship issues cause stress, and too much stress can raise your risk for heart disease.

In a 12-year study of 9,011 British civil servants (most of them married), those with bad relationships were 34% more likely to have heart attacks or heart trouble than those in good relationships.

A different 10-year study discovered that wives who kept quiet about marital problems had an increased risk of dying compared to those who voiced their opinions. Also, married men were less likely to die during that period than single men.

The bottom line of this research is that good relationships are not only good for the soul, but they keep us happy which adds to our good health. However, if the relationship is negative and causes either person a lot of stress, then it may be doing more harm than just making you sad. Working through problems with a therapist and communicating your needs and feelings openly with your partner may help to heal a bad relationship, all the while keeping your heart healthy.

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Gay Couples Have Something to Teach Straight Counterparts

LibertySugar — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 14:30:00 -0700

Sure to mix up the gay marriage debate, social scientists are turning to same-sex couples to find out what makes a healthy relationship and marriage. One study analyzed how Vermont's married couples address issues like money, household work, and sex, as compared to gay couples joined in civil unions.

Some of the research findings include:

Same-sex partners generally share the work evenly. Conversely, in hetero relationships, the woman usually does more housework, while the man holds more financial responsibility.
In straight relationships, men are more likely to initiate sex, while women are more likely to refuse sex and initiate "talks" about relationship problems. But, in same-sex couples, there is a balanced sharing of such behaviors.

For some more analysis, and to find out how the groups handle arguments differently, read more.

Same-sex couples are less likely to become physically agitated during and after an argument.
Same-sex couples experienced more relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality among straight partners impacts happiness.

Same-sex partners are better at relating to their partners, making it easier for them to diffuse conflict, according to experts. But the research also reassures that the differences are not rooted in biological differences between men and women. Thus, findings urge straight couples to see situations from their partners' perspectives.

California's first gay marriages are set for June 17, but that has not stopped opponents from adding a state constitutional gay marriage ban to the November ballot. When academic research purports that homosexual couples have healthier and happier relationships than their straight counterparts, does it undermine critics of gay marriage?

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You Asked: Is Our Marriage Over?

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Help! I have been with my husband for 13 years and will be married 11 in November. To make this as short as possible, I've lived in a sexless, loveless relationship for 12 years. Last November I met someone wonderful and decided to tell my husband I was done. We separated for four months and I stopped seeing my "friend" for a while to get my head together. My husband immersed himself in therapy and told me he could not lose me, that he loved me and would do whatever had to be done to keep us together. I moved back home in May but I still don't feel passion toward him. I love him, but am still very hurt and angry. He supposedly suffers from intimacy issues, fear of failure, etc., and although he is working very hard to be in my heart, our sex life is not good, in fact, it's horrible. He makes no effort to please me at all. After not having any for months, he accused me the other day of not wanting him.

I know he loves me in his very own way, but I am not sure I can ever be happy with this man. So many people tell me what a great guy he is and that I should stay with him. He is a great provider and very good in other ways so my question is do I work my butt off to save my marriage, or call it a day? I need some advice please. - Unhappy Helena

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Unhappy Helena,

In order for this marriage to work, you need to make sure both of your needs are being met, and from what you're telling me, you two have a lot more work to do. I'm glad to hear that your husband is in therapy, but have you thought about going to therapy together? Something tells me that you aren't talking to your husband about what you need to be happy so getting everything out on the table could do wonders for your relationship. Sex is also a major component to any relationship so if spicing things up in the bedroom isn't helping, you might want to consider seeing a sex therapist.

Staying in an unhappy relationship, even though he's a good provider and loves you in his own way, will only leave you feeling sad and alone if you're still having doubts. You've been with this man for 13 years so you owe it to yourself and your relationship to give your marriage a fighting chance, but if you're forcing something that's just no longer there, your relationship could have just run its course. Keeping the lines of communication open is a must so voice your concerns as often as they need to be addressed. While all relationships take work, yours shouldn't be more work than play. Good luck to you.

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