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You Asked: I'm Getting Depressed About Being Unemployed

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just finished my master's in May and I still can't find a job. I am in the education field and I live on Long Island, where jobs are hard to find. My boyfriend and I have an apartment together, and he is working a lot to keep us afloat. We have considered relocating for my sake but figured we would allow some time first. Money aside, I am having a really hard time dealing with being unemployed. I am feeling sad over the fact that my boyfriend is overworked and has to basically support me. I feel like all of the time and money I spent on my education is not paying off. I have a part-time job, I work evenings, so I spend most of the day at home and then miss my boyfriend because he has a day job. At first, I took advantage of getting myself organized and continuing my job search, but now I have a hard time getting out of bed and feel like there is no purpose to my day. I know that I am depressed. I would love to have some input on how I can get out of this slump and get on with things. - Desperate Davida

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Desperate Davida,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding a job. We are living in a crazy time right now, so try not to be too hard on yourself - there are a plethora of people in your exact situation. For some advice on the career front, check out this advice from my friend SavvySugar; hopefully she'll be of some help. In the meantime, I have a few suggestions myself.

While I don't blame you for feeling guilty that your boyfriend is working extra hard while you look for a job, try to keep it all in perspective. It doesn't sound like he's miserable doing it, so just be appreciative! I'm sure it makes him feel good to be able to help you, and if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you do the same for him?

Since you are working opposite schedules as your boyfriend, I recommend looking for a new part-time job during regular business hours. Not only will it give a purpose to your day and time with your boyfriend, but getting back in the routine of going to work everyday, no matter what the job is, will make the transition that much easier when you find a full-time job. Since relocating is potentially an option, why don't you give yourself a time frame? If you can't find a job in six to eight months, send your resume out in cities where you could see yourself living.

I know it's probably really disheartening to think all your hard work isn't paying off, but in time, I have faith that it will. Be patient with yourself, let your boyfriend take care of you for a while, and make sure you communicate with him. Perhaps just talking it out will relieve you of the guilt you feel. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Can Our Relationship Work?

DearSugar — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I love beautiful things. Sometimes they are expensive (such as an Hermes Birkin) and other times they are cute outfits at H&M. I splurge and I save and then I splurge again. I'm never in credit card debt, and I spend my own money, making sure all the bills are paid, I've contributed to my retirement accounts, and I have put some money away for savings and emergency funds.

My boyfriend also has a well paid job; we live together and he saves most of his money. He doesn't have any habits that require money, we don't go out often to eat, but we have fun and we love each other deeply. However, he always argues with me and gets upset over my spending of my money. Whether it's a new pair of shoes or a new handbag, I sometimes want to just lie and not tell him I have something new or how much it cost. He says it's not the amount of money I spend, but the fact that I love to spend money on expensive things that are materialistic and excessive. I've tried budgeting and making changes so I don't end up spending an entire paycheck, but I can't give up my Louboutins and Chanels. They are who I am and I love fashion, beauty, style and glamour.

Can our relationship work? Are there solutions for both him and myself to make it work? We talk about it every few months when I purchase something, getting upset and then getting over it. I'm tired of the cycle, and I wish there was a way to change this! We come from different backgrounds and he is against materialism and strives for simplicity and happiness in the smallest things. Help! - Shopaholic Sophie

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Shopaholic Sophie,

Clearly this cycle of arguing goes a lot deeper than your spending habits. Since he views material things differently than you do, you're going to have to make some choices if you want to save your relationship because it's pretty clear that it'll suffer if you continue to spend the way you have been.

Have you discussed the future of your relationship? Your boyfriend could be worried about being able to support you and your expensive taste if marriage and children is in your future. Since I don't know exactly what it is that upsets him, the best advice I can offer you is to talk about it. You don't want to get to the point where you have to lie to him to avoid an argument so I suggest you lay everything out on the table asap.

Compromise is key in every relationship, but I also feel it's very important to be the real you. Since you like the finer things in life and he enjoys a more simplistic lifestyle, you guys are going to have to figure out a way to accept each other for who you are. You don't necessarily have to see eye to eye in every aspect of the way you live you lives, but if your spending habits are putting a wrench in your otherwise seemingly good relationship, something gotta give. You can either limit your spending in order to salvage the relationship, or you can go your separate ways and hope to find a man you care equally for who will accept you for the person you are. I like the finer things in life too, but Sophie, make sure you aren't masking a deeper issue with your need to have new things because at the end of the day, you're boyfriend is right - material things really are just that. Good luck.

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Is Dating Out of My "Class" a Bad Idea?

DearSugar — Sat, 17 May 2008 07:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Middle Class Melissa need your help. She's in a relationship with a man who comes from an upper class family and has all upper class friends. She is starting to feel a rift in her relationship because she's unable to relate to his lifestyle. Though she loves her boyfriend, she's questioning if it's possible to have a happy and successful relationship with someone who comes from a different "class." What do you think? Any advice you could offer up would be a great help to her.

Dear Sugar,
I'm in a relationship with a guy who comes from a completely different background than me. I've never been the type of girl who considers money or class when it comes to boyfriends. I've always held the view that love and
material possessions are not mutually exclusive. I would never not date a guy because he came from a poor family, and likewise, I would never not date a guy because he was wealthy. I myself am an intelligent, open-minded 23-year-old who comes from a middle-class background. In my past, I have tended to date guys with backgrounds similar to myself however, for the past year, I've been in an exclusive relationship with a guy who comes from a wealthy family. He was shipped off to boarding school at the age of 14, has a graduate degree from an Ivy League university, and has lived and traveled all over the world. He's a 28-year-old artist who does not have a "real" job. He has no health insurance, and his rent and other bills are taken care of by his parents, although he does send them money when he manages to sell artwork from time to time.

I've never been jealous of his comfortable situation, and until recent months, it had never been an issue whatsoever. But recently, I have found myself starting to get annoyed by his lack of sensitivity. For example, he refuses to go to "normal" restaurants or supermarkets because he only eats organic foods. I however, cannot afford to always go to these expensive places, and because of his "choice of profession," he's not exactly generous when it comes to picking up the tab. Also, whenever I'm spending time with him and his friends, they talk about things that I can never relate to - their favorite restaurants in Mexico, experiences they've had at socialite parties, what it was like living in Berlin for the summer - you get the idea.

In these instances, I'm left sitting there with nothing to say, and it makes me feel completely worthless. I have always been proud of the accomplishments I've had in my life but he doesn't seem to ever acknowledge them. I know that he doesn't mean to hurt me, I think he's just used to dating girls more like him. I've tried to talk to him about this, but he assures me that he doesn't in any way think that he's "better than me" so is this just the kind of thing that happens when you date someone outside of your "class" or is he just a jerk? For the most part our relationship is good. I care about him a lot. He is intelligent, talented, and makes me strive to be a better person, I just don't want to lose myself in the process.

Source

You Asked: My Mother Won't Help Me

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My parents are divorced and I've lived in my mother's house for most of my life. I'm currently a student at a very prestigious college. My mom has never fulfilled her responsibilities as a mother. Throughout childhood, I was barely fed and lacked balanced nutrition. My meals were always frozen dinners that my mother bought in wholesale. I've had to work since I was 14 years old so I could pay for my academic competition fees, my own computer, and a lot of my personal expenses. Since my earnings were usually in cash, my mother would "borrow" from me but never pay it back.

I have worked very hard to get where I am, but right now I am struggling to pay for college while my mother lives a lavish lifestyle beyond her means. In the three times that my mother has ever needed to fill out my financial aid applications, she has been four months past due, costing me thousands of dollars that she doesn't contribute to. I paid my first year of college on my own. When I asked my mother to help me with my second year, she acted surprised that I even needed to pay for college at all.

She cries to me that she lives from paycheck to paycheck, but I've seen her collection of expensive perfume and designer sunglasses, and the entire basement piled with her clothes. My father is barely employed with a low salary. I feel terrible asking him for anything. He lives well below his means in order to pay child support and his bills. I'm working overtime, but I'm running out of ideas as the tuition payment deadline approaches. Do you have any advice on how to persuade my mother to help me?

- Dead Broke Brooke

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Dead Broke Brooke,

I have no doubt that your frustrations with your mother are legitimate, but it doesn't sound like she's about to change anytime soon. I'm so sorry that things have to be this way, but I think the sooner you learn to accept that your mother is not your ally, the sooner you'll be able to let go of some of this stress.

First of all, it's time for you to take over your financial aid forms. See about getting your dad, who it sounds like has a much lower income than your mom, to claim you; I think it's very likely you'll be able to qualify for more aid, and he might actually get it in on time too! Meanwhile, request a meeting with someone in the financial aid department and start looking into other ways to get some of your tuition paid for. If you have to, drop to part time or consider taking a leave of absence. Whatever you do, stop asking your mom for money.

And finally, start speaking to a therapist through your on-campus health center. I think you have some serious pain regarding the way you were raised and treated by your mother. It's time to start to detach and distance yourself from those feelings; I guarantee on the other side there is much more happiness. Good luck to you.

Source

You Asked: His Pressure Is Going to Tear Us Apart

DearSugar — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five months now but we've know each other for two years. We are very much in love, and have talked about getting married one day. We are both still young, and while I have graduated college and have a stable, well-paying job, he does not. The topic of his career came up today and he asked me to choose a path for him. He says that it's not only him he is thinking of now, it's both of us, so it's only "proper" that I have a say in what he chooses as a career. He even asked me how much money I need him to make each year. Not only that, but he is already thinking about getting married as soon as we can afford it.

He is putting so much pressure on me, not only by asking me to choose a career for him, but also in planning our future so prematurely. I tell him to just take each day as it comes, and to focus on one thing at a time, but he insists that he needs to plan everything now in order to be ready in the future. I love him very much, and I am pretty sure that I would like to spend my life with him, but we have only been dating five months and I'm terrified that the pressure he is putting on us will drive us apart. How can I talk to him without hurting his feelings or our relationship?
- Feeling the Pressure Paulie

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Feeling the Pressure Paulie,

I don't blame you for feeling an enormous amount of pressure by your boyfriend asking you for such advice. It would be one thing if he was asking your opinion about two career paths he was contemplating, but asking you to flat-out choose for him is a little inappropriate, especially with regards to his finances. One of the great things about becoming an adult is figuring out for yourself what it is you want to do with your life. If he only wants to work for a paycheck, there's no doubt in my mind that he'll inevitably be unhappy and unfulfilled.

It's always fun to talk about the future, but over talking it is proving to be too much. I'd be honest with him about the way you're feeling in this relationship - sure, he might feel a little stung, but being straight forward with him is the right move. Let him know that you'd be more than happy to be his sounding board and support system, but the career path he chooses needs to be his decision. Hopefully, once you let him know how much stress you're feeling, he'll be able to back off a bit so you can move forward with your relationship and do just as you suggested - take each day as it comes.

Source

Would You Enroll in a Financial Planning Bootcamp?

SavvySugar — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:45:03 -0800

I’ve always been kind of intrigued by Stanford grad Ramit Sethi’s New York Times bestseller I Will Teach You to Be Rich. I dismissed the book at first because the gimmicky title brought to mind images of the question-mark guy on late-night infomercials, but the more I heard, the more interested I became. To hear why I changed my tune, read more.

Sethi recommends setting up free checking and savings accounts at dependable banks, and automating all your bill payments and transfers to savings. He thinks scrimping on things like lattes to save a couple bucks is useless financial advice, and says you should start to invest while you’re still young. Sounds pretty practical, huh?

So when I heard Sethi was holding a six-week online financial boot camp, I was actually pretty excited. It wasn’t until I was looking at the registration page, credit card in hand, that I backed out. It’s not that I didn’t think the boot camp would be helpful, but I decided spending a couple hundred bucks to find out how to save money wasn’t a wise choice for me.

I’m sure plenty of others felt differently, though, and you might, too. So tell me, have you ever paid for a workshop, class, or boot camp to whip your finances in shape? Or would you ever consider it?

Source: Flickr User Kyle T. Ramirez

Money problems

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 07:54:20 -0800

Okay, so here is my problem. It kept me up last night crying and i need to get this off my chest. I am not sure anyone could offer up advice more than caring words, but feel free to tell me whatever you would like. First of all, I am living on my own now. Money can be tight, and I am completely independent except for one bill, my car payment, which if I pay I will go negative in my account and not be able to buy food. By next August I will be able to afford that also though.

My parents own their own business and I found out last night that they are in so much debt my dad might have to sell his business, but it is in such poor shape no one may buy it. If he sells off all of his assets he will break even, but then what? He is 52, has diabetes, my mother is 50 and had blood sugar problems, and my sister is mentally handicapped...so she needs to be supported as long as she is alive. Their livelihood is at stake and I want to send them money but I only have enough to live on...I live in a big city, the cost of living is so high...I will get a raise next August but it is so long to wait and I have to think about saving for my future also and the idea that one day my sister will come to live with me. Last night I realized i don't care about manolo blahniks or juicy bags anymore...i care about my family being taken care of and I can't do anything to help. It seems hopeless. I just got a loan to take care of my credit cards...it lowers the amount I am paying out every month now but not enough for me to help them.

5 Money Issues Every Couple Should Prepare For

SavvySugar — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:30:33 -0800

We talk about love and money quite a bit here on Savvy, and many of you have had a go-round or two with your significant other about the topic. In a new relationship, resolving money issues means adjusting to each other’s spending and saving styles, and coming up with a system you can both live with. But as relationships grow and change, financial situations do too, and many couples find themselves having to adjust their approach to money after years of marriage.

New York Times columnist Ron Lieber recently offered up a list of five issues that can cause financial bickering even in established relationships. To see them, along with my advice for how to address them, click away.

View Slideshow ›

A Little Yoga Insight You May Not Learn From Your Instructor

FitSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:00:10 -0800

Sure, practicing yoga is all about health and wellness, but Smart Money knows that it is also booming business. There are some aspects of yoga class that may not be in keeping with the healthy lifestyle you seek - just don't expect your yoga instructor to let you in on them. Here are a few pointers for staying healthy while practicing yoga, and remember that even when taking a fitness class led by an instructor, it's best to think for yourself to figure out what feels right and what practices work best for you.

Your Instructor May Be New to Yoga Too - With all of the various certification programs around, there's a range of skill that's being taught to instructors. "The problem is that there’s no real standard for how much teacher training is required of instructors, so almost anyone can lead a yoga class," writes Smart Money. It's best to try out a class before you commit, and learn where the instructor trained.
Yoga Mats Aren't Just For the Die-Hard Yogi - Bringing your own mat to class doesn't mean you can do full lotus. It's simply good hygiene. Yoga studio owner Ann Merlo told Smart Money, "One of the key elements of yoga is cleanliness." Sure, many studios hose down the mats after a few sessions, but there's no guarantee they do. With all the contagions flying around this flu season, it just might be worth it to spring for your own mat and avoid catching a bug.

To learn more about how to make the most of your yoga time, read more.

It's OK If You Don't Want to Be Touched - Yoga tends to cultivate a very intimate atmosphere in the studio, and many members of the class may feel totally at ease with the instructor helping them into a pose (which is fairly common), but that doesn't mean that you do. "A thoughtful teacher should always tell you that he’s going to touch you," writes Smart Money, and all adjustments should be done with professionalism. However, if you'd prefer not to be touched at all, don't be shy about speaking up and making your preference clear.
The Advanced Class May Not Be For You - While yoga instructors may ask some general questions about your level of experience before a class begins, no one is likely to turn you away from a session that may be too advanced for you. Yoga requires serious strength and flexibility. The article suggests calling the studio beforehand to find a class appropriate for your ability.

To find out exactly what else your yoga instructor may not be telling you, get up to speed with all of SmartMoney's tips, and be sure to check out our Yoga Stretch and Tell Group to connect with fellow yogis and share your questions, stories, and advice.

Ask Savvy: Should I Buy a New Car?

SavvySugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 12:00:57 -0800

Dear Savvy,

I recently got a letter in the mail from a local car dealership requesting that I trade in my 2001 VW Passat, saying that they are getting lots of requests and stating the blue book value for my car. I wouldn't mind buying a new car, but promised myself I would drive my car until it is unrepairable or I graduate from college, whichever comes first. I still have two more years to go, but if this offer is legitimate, I don't want to let the opportunity go. Any advice?

Savvy says: The car dealership is reaching out to people who aren't in the market for a new car and convincing them to consider busting an auto move. That's a pretty successful campaign on its part, but are your best interests at hand? Find out what I think when you read more.

You have a car that isn't causing you headaches and you're still in school, which makes me assume that you're probably better off without the additional expense of an updated vehicle. While trading in your car would reduce the cost of the newer one, I'd put money on you walking out of the dealership with more bills to pay than when you walked in.

Car dealerships are fantastic at making us think the deals they're advertising right now are once-in-a-lifetime bargains that won't be seen again. They want you to worry that you'll regret not jumping on their current offerings so that you buy now instead of later, and as you put it, you don't want to "let the opportunity go."

Bottom line, a deal isn't a deal unless you're shopping for something in the first place and can afford the terms. And that lost opportunity? Think about the money you'll save by keeping your current ride for the next couple years, and don't be surprised when there are deals to be had when you're in the market for something different.

Have a question for me? Ask away by posting your questions in my Ask Savvy group and I may answer it on the site!