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Group Therapy: How do we find a middle ground?

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 14:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend of two years and I have finally come to places in our lives where we're capable of ending the long distance portion of our relationship and moving in with each other. The catch is one of us is going to be forced to leave our family behind. We're both still young and it'll be the first time either of us has been out into the real world on our own. We've discussed him moving to California, where I live, and me moving to Colorado, where he lives. But we have changed our minds A LOT! I have plenty of pros and cons to moving and staying. I'd really love a change of scenery, I'd love to experience the year round weather Colorado can offer, because I live in the desert. I'd also really love to test myself and see if I can make it on my own without my mother, I've always felt very dependent on her, but now I think I can break that link and really force myself to make my own choices without someone holding my hand. But at the same time, I have a very supportive family and I love that I always have someone there to back me up, but my boyfriend's family has never really taken an interest in even meeting me, they still seem to not take our relationship seriously. And his family is really the opposite, they keep to themselves and they're not very friendly, as far as I've seen. I have a very hard time respecting his family after the many negative things my boyfriend has told me. They're just not my kind of people. And I have a feeling it'll be very tough for me to move away from my support structure and go out there to have no one but my boyfriend. No friends and no family. But at the same time he doesn't want to live here, because the cost of living in California is very high, which I understand his reasoning.

How do we find a middle ground and how can I make a final decision on where I want to start my life without feeling like I'm going to end up unhappy?

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You Asked: Should I Try to Fall in Love With Him Again?

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my current boyfriend for about four years. We have lived together for three, and until recently things have been great. He works full time and goes to school full time. He has always had about a month-long period before Summer break where he is completely stressed out. In the past, he would tell me he needs his space during that time because he is grouchy and irritable. Over the last few months, he has been this way again, but he won't discuss it with me - he has basically shut me out. I have made multiple attempts to tell him I don't feel loved or "in love" anymore but nothing changes.

I have basically moved on and started to do my own thing. I am going out with friends and having a great time. Now that he is out of school for the Summer, he wants things to be back to normal. He realizes that he may be losing me, and he's scared. He has done a complete turnaround and it bothers me. I'm not holding a grudge, but I can't let his behavior go. I feel like something is missing from our relationship, and I have been meeting new people and seeing a lot of other possibilities out there. Should I stick it out and try to "fall in love" with him again or just move on? I want to remain his best friend as he's mine but I'm not happy.

- Sparkless Skylar

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sparkless Skylar,

I hate to say it, but it's not uncommon for relationships to go through difficult months - some marriages go through difficult years! While treating someone badly under any circumstances isn't right, you admit that your boyfriend doesn't deal with stress well, and yet, it's only this most recent term when you've found yourself moving on emotionally. Perhaps this isn't a problem in your relationship - that he's unavailable for a month - but rather you're just realizing that your time together has run its course. And that's OK.

As hard as it may be to walk away from a four-year relationship, you shouldn't feel that you have to force yourself to try to fall in love with someone again. As long as you're truly ready to put your relationship aside then it's perfectly healthy to explore other possibilities. But now that he's communicating again, you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to explain to him (again) what you're going through - be kind, but stay honest. Truthfully, it's unlikely that your friendship will be able to remain as it is now once you're no longer together, but it's more important that you be fair to yourself and him than stay just because you don't want to lose his friendship. Good luck.

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Group Therapy: What Do I Need To Know Before Moving?

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 04:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I are seriously discussing moving in together. Our relationship has been a lot of work so far and we've had many ups and downs, but I really love him and he really loves me. He's started talking to his landlord and a few of his friends about finding affordable places nearby but I'm just writing in to see what kind of advice you all have for me because I've never lived with a boyfriend before. We've started discussing things that annoy us about each other and how we could avoid arguments about those things - I feel like that's helped ease my worries, but I was wondering if you have any warnings/advice before we take this big step.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: How Do You Know When You're Ready to Move in Together?

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months and have spent every day together for at least the last three. We spend half the nights at my house and half at his, depending on our schedules in the morning. His house is closer to my work, but his friends live closer to me, etc. We have our own friends and we do our own thing often, but we always end up at one of our homes sleeping beside each other. We argue sometimes, just like any other couple, but by the time we get to bed, we've apologized to each other and reconfirmed how much we each believe in this relationship.

The problem is when I say that we're thinking about moving in together, people constantly say "Oooh, bad idea! Too soon! You should have a place to get away from one another at least until you're married!" But I don't see how that makes a difference! If we were married, we would be used to being able to "get away" from each other, which would just add extra strain to the relationship. If we were to move in early, we would learn to deal with the issues head on instead of running away from them, right?

I've never lived with a boyfriend before, but we may as well be living together now, as we spend every night together. Do any of you ladies out there have any advice for me? Have any of your relationships changed considerably after moving in with each other? Just give me some idea of what to expect when it happens.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: Why Won't He Just Give Me an Answer?

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I have asked my boyfriend if he would move in with me and he refuses to give me a YES or NO answer?

If he doesn't want to why doesn't he just say no! I don't understand.

Need to Know Nancy--

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Need to Know Nancy--

I'm sorry to say but if your boyfriend wanted to move in with you, he would have by now. For whatever reason, it sounds like he's not into the idea.

Guys do not like to talk about their feelings, and they especially don't want to upset their girlfriends (they hate "talking things out" and can't deal with crying either). He probably doesn't want to flat out say "I'm not ready to move in" because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

Don't take this as a sign that he doesn't care about you though. Moving in with someone is a huge commitment, and the next step is getting engaged. That idea is probably freaking him out, so if you love him and know he loves you, give him a little time and be patient. Sooner or later, he'll realize he's ready to take that next step.

On the other hand, how long have you been dating this guy? Do you think he'll ever make a solid commitment to you? You might want to think about whether or not you two are on the same page about your relationship. If you are, then I'd ease off the pressure. If you're not, then it may be time to move on. Good luck, Nancy.

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The How-To Lounge: Dealing with your Boyfriends Past Relationships

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 10:00:00 -0700

No one likes feeling jealous, it's a horrible quality to possess, but unfortunately, sometimes it's just part of human nature. But what about being jealous of people you don't even know? Like when you first start dating someone new and you find yourself being jealous of the mere thought that he once dated someone else besides you? Those feelings are a sure fire way to create distance between you and your partner so here are some tips to help combat your jealous thoughts when it comes to your boyfriends past relationships.

Click here to read more

Ask yourself why you are feeling this way: is your boyfriend making you feel insecure, does he have a history of cheating, does he constantly talk about his ex, etc.? If so, those might be red flags that this relationship isn't right for you, but if you are making false accusations, hopefully you can work together in order to get a grasp on your insecurities
Keep the lines of communication open -- honesty is always the best policy if you want to build a trusting relationship
It's inevitable that your boyfriend has a sexual past, just like you did, so try to keep it all relative. He chose to be with you so leave his past where it belongs -- in the past
Be aware that constantly bringing up his past will inevitably irritate him, causing nothing but harm to your relationship
Instead of factoring in his past, look at yours. Get to the bottom of your insecurities so you can move beyond his ex girlfriends
Trust is crucial in every relationship so if you are struggling to maintain a trustworthy connection, you might want to re-considering the relationship
Many couples stir the pot just to make up, so don't confusing playful jealousy for possessive jealousy. Also, if you are rocking the boat merely for reassurance, talking about your feelings is a much better route to take

The most important thing to remember is that your boyfriend has made a conscience decision to be with you, so keep your focus on the future and live in the moment. Good luck!

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Group Therapy: Should I Put My Life on Hold or Move On?

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 16:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost two years. He is a year and a half younger than me, but we have never really had a problem with that until a few days ago. I'm graduating college in a few months, and I have been dying to get out of Michigan - there is nothing here for me since unemployment is so low. The problem is that he goes to a college here (the credits don't transfer), and he has a good job as well. He told me that he'll move with me if I can wait until he's done with school, but I don't want to wait! My plan was to get married a year after college, and then have a baby two years after that. He won't be ready for all that, because he'll still be in school. We both love each other very much, and I really want to marry him. Should I move without him and start a new life or wait around? I'm so confused.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: I Need Moving in Advice!

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 14:00:00 -0700

I'm 23 and an only child. For the past six years, it's been pretty much just my dad and me. I lived in a dorm once, but it was a single suite.

In seven months, I will be moving in with my boyfriend and our best friend. We plan on getting a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom apartment but I just realized that for the rest of my life (since we have plans to marry), I'm going to be sharing a room! I can't just decorate it the way I want, and my "personal" space will be limited. I have no idea where I'll put certain things or if there will ever be room for them. I'm sure once we're married and have a house, I'll get to set up my own little room for my things, but that's a long way off.

My question is this: How many of you that are now living with your boyfriend/fiancé/husband are only children? Was it strange to share living space for the first time? I have no doubt that it will be fine, and it's not like my room is my refuge, but I'm just wondering what others have experienced.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: Is Watching Porn Everyday Excessive?

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I just recently moved in together and the adjustment has been, well, difficult for both of us. I have noticed his computer habits which to me seem excessive. He is on the computer all the time. He used to take it in the bathroom with him and I asked him to stop , which he did. I caught him having secret intimate conversations over e-mail with a girl he works with and demanded that he end the relationship. I think he has been on the straight and narrow ever since except for his porn habit. Now, I am far from a prude. I enjoy porn, I just don't understand why he looks at it everyday. The main thing that bothers me is that my sex drive is higher than his and he is happy with sex twice a week where I would like it more often than that (4 would be nice).

I am upset because he will watch web cams and search porn everyday when he gets home from work and then isn't interested in sex with me. Sometimes when I initiate it he just seems uninterested or as if it is his duty. I have done things to spice things up; lingerie, new positions, lots of oral, I even act slutty and he still feels the need to watch porn. I feel like it is disrespectful, and quite frankly I don't understand why he would need to search so often. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. Please help.

-Horny and Not into Porn Paula

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Dear Horny and Not into Porn Paula,

You think he's been on the straight and narrow? Honey, I'm sorry to be the one to point this out to you, but it sounds like you don't trust this guy one bit. I agree with you that porn is great every once in a while, but what does he need it for when he has a real live woman to make sweet love to everyday?

You have got to talk to him about this. Don't attack his porn habits (although we can all agree that it's totally excessive), just be open about how you feel and what you need. Tell him that it's upsetting to you that he'd rather scour the Internet looking for sexual arousal versus having sex with you. Ask him flat out what the porn is offering him that you're not. Maybe you can suggest incorporating it into your time together.

If he's not willing to talk about this or change his ways, then this just isn't going to work, and if I were you, I'd move out and end this one-way relationship. On the other hand, if he's sensitive to your concerns and cuts down on this habit of his, I think your relationship will grow from this experience. Good luck, Paula.

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Ask Casa: Help Me Choose Paint Colors

CasaSugar — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 08:00:19 -0800

Hi Casa,

My boyfriend and I are about to move into our first house and I couldn't be happier! I can't wait to get in there and start putting our touch on things! The only problem is that I am having a tough time picking a paint color for the living room.

A few years ago, I bought a set of three prints that I absolutely love. I want to hang them above the sofa in our new place, but I'm having a tough time finding the right paint color to highlight them. When we first bought the prints, our living room was white and they popped beautifully. But now I'm a little sick of white and want to add some color, but I'm not sure what direction to go. The living room in our new place opens onto the dining room, so whatever color we choose will have to continue into the dining room too.

Any suggestions?

Thanks for the help,
KatieMise

To see my suggestion for KatieMise, read more.

Hi Katie,

Great prints! I love them. This isn't a tough one. When choosing a wall color for a wall with artwork, my rule of thumb is always to choose a hue that's an accent in the art piece, but not the primary color. You should choose a complementary color, too. In this case, the background colors of two of your prints are a greenish-blue and a true blue, and in all three prints there is reddish detailing. So, I think a red or watermelon hue would really make your prints pop. Not only are they on the opposite side of the color wheel from those greens and blues, but reddish walls will make the red detailing in your prints pop!

I made a couple of mock-ups to give you an idea. But the best thing to do is head to your paint shop and grab a few samples in these colors, and then bring them home to see what works with your prints. Then, test the paint on your walls before you paint the whole thing. If a whole room in a red color is too much for you, you can always just paint an accent wall and then leave the rest of the walls white. I think it works with the artwork, too, because red is a really important color in Asian culture.

Hope this helps!

Cheers,

Casa