PopSugar

Do Tell: How Long Do You Date Before Changing Your Relationship Status?

DearSugar — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 09:00:00 -0800

I'm Hurt Helen wrote in yesterday asking for advice and venting her frustration about the fact that her boyfriend hasn't changed his online profile from single to dating, and I've got to say, I'd be pretty bummed if I were in her shoes too.

Using online social networks is definitely the easiest way to update your friends and family about what's going on in your life, but broadcasting your relationship status to the world wide web is a pretty big deal. Being ready to take that step is a personal decision, so do tell, how long do you usually wait to change your profile when entering into a new relationship?

Source

You Asked: His Best Friend Hates Me

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Although I wasn't actually looking, I met a guy online through a forum and we just fell for each other. We have known each other about two years now but declared our feelings for each other within the last year. He says he really loves me, and I love him. He lives in another country, so obviously it's a long-distance relationship. I have never met him in person but we talk on the phone, through IM, and via email. We're finally meeting up this Summer for the first time.

The problem is that his best friend and one of my close friends - another girl we met through the same forum, didn't know about us. We didn't tell her because we both knew that she had a crush on him. She is very possessive over him, and we were both concerned about how she was going to handle it. Long story short, she discovered that we liked each other indirectly and now she is upset and hurt, and decided to take all of her anger out on me, not him.

He feels badly that all of this happened but wants us all to be friends again. He's still friends with her and that upsets me because she has treated me very badly. I don't trust her and he doesn't seem to get it. Will our relationship last knowing that she is in the middle? What should I do?

- Not So Friendly Nora

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Not So Friendly Nora,

Regardless of how close your boyfriend is with this other girl, there should never be someone in the middle of your relationship. In fact, I think some would say that it's not a good idea for your boyfriend to maintain a close friendship with someone whom he knows has feelings for him. All three of your relationships are already complicated by the fact they're long distance and have yet to meet face to face, so if you really want this to work there needs to be some clear boundaries.

Now that the cat's out of the bag, it's your boyfriend's responsibility to set the ground rules with his friend. While I do think that you should be kind and pleasant to her, I don't think you should be expected to try to win her friendship back. Your boyfriend should let her know that you and he are a couple and she needs to learn to live with that. If he can't do that, then I would have a serious discussion with him about what he wants from you as his girlfriend and vice versa. Whether it's online or long distance, much of a relationship is about getting your needs met so be clear with him about what your needs are. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Why Hasn't He Closed His Online Dating Account?

DearSugar — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating someone for almost two months now, and I'm really starting to fall for him. He had a profile on an online dating website, but that wasn't how we met - he was someone from my past who reappeared on his own. In the almost two months we have been together, I have checked his profile and noticed that he has been on the website numerous times. I can't help but have hurt feelings that he hasn't closed his account. I just feel like if he were really into me, he would have changed his profile from single to in a relationship. Should I ask him to? Is he looking for other women? Are we on two different pages? I'm just so confused by this. - I'm Hurt Helen

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear I'm Hurt Helen,

I don't blame you for having hurt feelings by the fact that your boyfriend still claims to be single, which is why I advise you to broach the subject with him ASAP. It's easy to jump to conclusions here, but try not to assume the worst just yet.

Since you're having to snoop on him online, I have to ask you if there's something else going on here. Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him? Has his behavior toward you changed in any way? If so, I think it would be best to talk to him face to face about his feelings toward you before going behind his back any more. It's important to feel secure in your relationship, so hopefully a good heart to heart will set your mind at ease. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Should I Keep Waiting?

DearSugar — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A year ago, I met the most perfect man online. Ever since then, not a day has not gone by that we don’t talk to each other. We have even discussed me moving to his city so we can be closer. His ex broke up with him over two years ago, and he is still dealing with some of those issues. He assures me that he is over her and is ready to be in another relationship, but he wants to take things very slow.

About three months after we started talking, I gave him my phone number, and to my surprise, he was not willing to give me his. His birthday was last month and I asked for his address so I could send him a card. He wasn't willing to give me that either (even though he has mine). I tried to make plans to see him recently, and he said that he still wasn't ready. We have grown extremely close over the past year, and I know he is not seeing anyone else; we are very loyal to each other.

It’s very frustrating that I can't call him when I want to - he blocks his number so I can't see it. He recently started seeing a counselor because I told him that I wasn't sure how long I was going to wait for him since I am so young (I am 24, he is 28). I care for him deeply, but I am starting to think I am wasting my time. Should I continue to wait for him, or move on?

-Waiting Patiently Pasha

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear Waiting Patiently Pasha,

It sounds like you’re getting some pretty big mixed signals from this man. On one hand, he’s contacting you every day for a year and tells you that he wants to make a possible relationship work, while on the other hand he won’t let you call him or visit him - sounds a little fishy to me. In this situation, I would turn to that old stand-by we were taught in grade school: actions speak louder than words. He may be saying a lot of really great things, but it doesn’t sound like he’s anywhere near emotionally capable enough to act on them. In fact, it sounds like he might have some serious control issues.

If I were you, I’d let him know that you can’t continue your relationship as it is right now. While the idea of letting go might seem really hard, holding onto something that's not there will be even harder in the long run. This sounds like a very one-sided relationship and you’re far too young to be holding out for someone who won’t show the same devotion in return.

Source

Where Do You Stand? Online Dating

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

I’m a huge supporter of online dating - heck, I’m fan of anything that gets two compatible people in contact with one another - but I’ve always thought of it more as a tool that’s used when a person is ready to settle down, and less for casual dating (unless of course, that’s the kind of site that you’re browsing).

Most people I know who have had success with online dating were done with fleeting relationships and wanted to establish something with someone looking for the same level of longevity and stability. If you were ready to settle down, but hadn't met anyone yet, would you give it a try? Or do you think of it as just another way to meet people, like going to a bar? When it comes to giving online dating a try, where do you stand?

Source

Is a Relationship Resume a Good Idea?

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Wouldn't it be nice if instead of a guy handing you his number, he handed you his resume? His relationship resume that is! The folks at Resumes For Relationships seem to think so. According to their website, for a fee you can store your entire dating history in their database and then shoot it over to your crush in an e-card.

I wouldn't recommend sending your history of your relationships to anyone, but I kind of like the concept. It could be like an online dating profile, but condensed, portable, and with personal references! Okay, now I'm just being silly, but in all seriousness, what do you think of this concept? Is this a smart idea? Would you feel comfortable giving yours out?

Source

You Asked: I Googled Him And Didn't Like What I Saw!

DearSugar — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,
I just read E. Jean's advice about online dating and it reminded me of an issue that I'm having right now. I recently met a guy online. We've been emailing back and forth and he seems nice, charming, career oriented and he's quite cute, too. So far it's nothing serious, I'm just having a good time getting to know him. We recently exchanged phone numbers and had our very first conversation last night - it was easy and not at all forced. After we hung up I felt hopeful about a guy for the first time in a while. Just for fun, I decided to Google him. I ended up finding information about his legal past and to my shock and horror, he spent 45 days in jail for verbally intimidating a woman who had pressed charges against his brother for domestic violence. It was originally a felony offense for "witness tampering" that was reduced to a misdemeanor. I wouldn't have expected him to volunteer this info so early in our getting-to-know-you phase, but at the same time it makes me feel very uncomfortable that he has a secret past. He didn't actually commit violence, but the idea that he threatened a woman who was victimized by a member of his family makes me concerned that he might have been socialized to believe that violence against women is OK. I want to believe that he learned his lesson because he seems to be a productive member of society, but this new information has put up a bunch of red flags. So my question is this: Do I give him the benefit of the doubt, ignore his past and judge him based on the way he's treated me thus far or do I move on to the next guy? – Freaked Out Phoebe

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Freaked Out Phoebe,

Since you're seeing red flags, I think you should tell him that you know about this part of his past. You're right, since you're still in the getting-to-know-each-other phase, chances are he didn't feel comfortable telling you just yet, but in all fairness to him, you really don't know the entire story - until you ask him, we can only speculate. Google can be a great source for information but it can also make mountains out of molehills if you don't have all the information, especially the back story.

We all know that you can become anyone you want on the Internet but most online dating services prescreen their clients, so make sure you're using a reputable service. Now I wouldn't just give this guy the benefit of the doubt Phoebe- you need to get answers before you continue with this relationship. Once you hear his side of the story, I'd listen to your gut, trust your instincts, and make your decision from there. Yes, the way he treats you now is incredibly important, but so is making sure you're safe. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Am I Running in Circles?

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
I met this guy 4 years ago online and we hit it off really well. 3 months in I told him that I would like to take this to the next level meaning boyfriend, girlfriend status since we constantly hung out and hooked up to which he told me that he wasn't ready for a girlfriend. Knowing this, I should have walked away then. We spend a lot of time together, spend all of the holidays together, I have even met his family and go to his family's house quite often. Even his family assumes we are together, but he has made it clear to me that we aren't.

When I asked him again about being exclusively together, he just gives the same excuse saying he really likes me but is afraid things wouldn't work out. This has been going on 4 years and I am in love with him and have invested so much of my life and myself into him, but I am getting tired of this charade. What do I do? --Sick and Tired Tanya

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Sick and Tired Tanya--

I think you already know the answer to your question. You're allowing your guy friend to have his cake and eat it too. While you are close "friends", you need to be honest with yourself and realize that you are selling yourself short here. This man sounds extremely selfish and you deserve much more.

Although you are in love with this man and want nothing more than to be together, it sounds as though he has made it very clear that he is not interested in being in a relationship. Is he dating other people? Are you? It is very easy to fall into the trap of a faux relationship when you're as involved in each other's lives as two you are, but in turn, you are closing yourself off to other opportunities out there.

As hard as it might be, you must break away from this relationship. Being friends with benefits is very risky and leaves a whole lot of room for confusion and heartache. While your friend's actions may be different than his words, I think it is clear that he isn't ready to be tied down. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: He Lied About Being Single

DearSugar — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I met a guy online and we had so much in common that we decided to meet in person. Our first date went exceptionally well and we soon started to officially date each other. He said he was single but after a while, I began to suspect that he wasn't. Finally, he admitted he was married but separated and in the process of getting a divorce. He told me that he and his wife were still living together with their two kids until all the paperwork was finalized.

Although I had always suspected this, I was totally devastated. I stopped seeing and speaking to him because I was so upset, but he continued to try to get in touch with me. He left a message saying that he was finalizing the divorce, and I missed him so much that I agreed to see him. Even though he cried his eyes out, I still feel like he is lying to me but I can't bear to be without him. I am 23 years old, I have a good job, and I think I am a sensible woman, so tell me DearSugar, am I going crazy?

-Unsure Shirley

To see Dear Sugar's answer, read more.

Dear Unsure Shirley,

Of course, you're not crazy! You're in love which can make you do crazy things and you're thinking with your heart and hoping things work out between you two. Part of you is also thinking with your brain though, which is the good news. It knows that you deserve a guy who doesn't have any other emotional ties but you.

Even though he is separated, he's still technically married and the fact that they're still living with each other makes things even more complicated. You don't want to be competing for his love, time, and respect, and you also want to make sure that he's truly choosing you to love, and not being with you because he needs a shoulder to cry on.

If you are truly in love with this man and want to be in a relationship with him, I think you should wait to see each other again until the divorce is completely finalized. Give him some time to sort through his feelings and be ready to start a real relationship with you. I know it will be difficult to wait, but if you're patient, it'll make all the difference in the world when you're finally together.

Source

You Asked: Am I Missing Something?

DearSugar — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I met this seemingly great guy online. We dated for about a month and a half - about 6 dates. It was going great, we were taking it slow, we had fun together, and got along great. We laughed, talked about meeting each other's friends and family, there was great chemistry and absolutely no red flags. I was really excited because I thought I had finally met someone who was right for me, someone I was good for. Everything seemed to be falling into place quite nicely.

He was out of town last weekend and called me on Monday as soon as he got back to ask what my week was like. We agreed on Thursday, he told me he had somewhere he wanted to take me in mind and couldn't wait to see me.

The whole time we were dating both our profiles were still up, but inactive. On Wednesday night he called and said that there was a change of plans and that he would come out to my place instead. Later that night I noticed he had taken his profile down off the website we met on. I have to be honest, I felt like something wasn't right when I saw that his profile was gone, instead of being happy like I should have been. Then he came over Thursday, walked in my house, kissed me and said he was miserable and proceeded to tell me that something was missing and he was so disappointed and angry to have to do this, but he broke up with me.

What the heck changed from "can't wait to see you" on Tuesday night to breaking up with me on Thursday afternoon?? And why would he take his profile down after all that time just to break up with me?? I don't get it. I feel like I'm the one that's missing something. When he told me, I was so caught off guard that all I could really say was "OK". He then had the audacity to tell me he was upset that I wasn't more sad! He wants me to be upset? Since when does someone who is doing the breaking up want drama? I've broken up with people before and I've never felt anything but relief!! So, can you offer any insight?? I am so confused. I've accepted it but I just don't get it. - Still Confused Stacy

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Still Confused Stacy -

Unfortunately, I have no definitive answer for you, Stacy, but this situation sounds a little fishy to me. The thing with Internet dating is that you really have to take a pretty big leap of faith with the people you date since they are technically strangers. You say you didn't see any red flags, but did you get the feeling that he was being completely honest with you? Could he have possibly been in another relationship, or even married? The thing that gets me is that he took down his profile and then immediately ended things with you seemingly out of left field. It was almost like he got caught or something...

As for him wanting you to be more upset by this breakup, well that's just selfish. I have no idea why he would want to make this a dramatic breakup other than wanting to feel wanted. It sounds like you wished you got some answers from him, so would you feel comfortable asking him what happened? I would want an explanation too! I know you have accepted his decision, but sometimes it's important to get closure so you can move on with your life.

I am sorry this relationship didn't work out for you. Chalk this one up as not meant to be, but please don't let this one incident deter you from dating again - these things happen from time to time so just remember that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince! Good luck.

Source