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Baby Wellness: A Doctor's Inside Advice

babysugar — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 05:00:25 -0700

As moms, we think we know best. And, sometimes we do. But, pediatrician Barney Softness dished out doctor advice to the New York Times that no parent should ignore.

Topping his list, he said:

Don’t make promises you may not be able to keep. While parents will want to reassure a child who is afraid of needles, it is far worse to make a promise the doctor cannot keep. Then you have lost trust. I may look at the child’s record and discover she is due for a vaccination. A promise of no needles would mean coming back another time - and the anticipation of coming back for a shot prolongs the agony. Focus on the positives when you are trying to reassure your child about a doctor visit - a favorite toy in the waiting room, the stickers we give at the end of the visit, or the trip to the playground after the appointment.

To see the rest of his recommendations, read more.

Don’t try to trick kids. Sometimes parents tell a child he is coming along just to accompany his brother to the doctor, and then surprise him with an exam as well. Even if it’s a harmless ear check, it may not seem so to the child, and he won’t fall for that one again. And he won’t trust you - or me - next time.
We’re not the bad guys. You’d be surprised how often I hear the phrase: “Here comes the mean doctor (or nurse).'’ We do sometimes have to do things that are painful or uncomfortable, but it does not do the child any good to portray us as mean or evil. It makes our job more difficult, and it makes the child think you’re not doing a very good job protecting her if you’re allowing us to do the dirty work. You know it hurts, but we are helping your child, and that is the message you should try to convey.
Don’t sugarcoat too much. You may think that a doctor’s stethoscope on your chest is not much of an issue. But if a toddler is screaming about it, it is to him. Telling him that this doesn’t hurt, or is even fun, doesn’t legitimize his feelings. And further, if he’s just learning the language, the next time you tell him you’re going to the playground to have some fun, he may get the wrong idea.
Don’t tell me your diagnosis. Often parents come in to rule out a single ailment - such as Lyme disease or diabetes. Or they tell me they think their child has another sinus infection or strep throat. They mean well and usually are worried because someone - or often a Web site - told them their child’s symptoms match a particular problem. But, an accurate description of symptoms is much more valuable. As doctors, we don’t presume a sore throat is always strep or frequent urination is always diabetes. It could be any number of things. However, if you have a specific reason to suspect a particular condition (for example, her brother has Lyme disease), it may help in the analysis.
There’s no such thing as a quickie. Squeezing two kids into one appointment isn’t good for your kids, and it’s not fair to the other children in the waiting room. Too often parents will bring a sibling along and ask me to “just check his chest real quick.” But even when the quick exam is normal, it often leads to follow-up questions about what else could be wrong. Each child deserves my full attention.
Let your kids take part in sensitive conversations. There are obviously certain discussions that need to be conducted out of earshot of the child - divorce, unemployment or the parent’s health come immediately to mind. But many times parents don’t want to embarrass their children by discussing other sensitive subjects in front of them, like bedwetting, constipation, weight or poor school performance. Sometimes an entire visit is merely a pretense for the real concern, which the parent finally brings up after a child has left the room. But your child already knows the problem!
Having a parent transmit my advice to the child doesn’t work nearly as well as when the child is involved in the original discussion. If the discussion is handled in a professional matter-of-fact manner, you can almost hear the sigh of relief. (Even if the child makes no eye contact during the conversation, they are definitely listening.) It is never as embarrassing as parents expect it to be.

So on your next visit, remember Dr. Softness's words of wisdom and see what you, the parent, just might learn!

Source

Do Tell: What's the Best Piece of Advice a Parent's Given You?

DearSugar — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Getting unsolicited advice, especially from our parents, can be more frustrating and intrusive than helpful. With more years and life experience under their belts, some of what they say must be true, which is why it’s always good to at least hear them out even if you find their know-it-all sentiment irritating.

My mom always told me to beware of charming men, and to this day I'm not convinced by a charmer until I see his genuine side - I think it's saved me a few heartaches! I’ve shared mine, now what’s yours? Do tell: What’s the best piece of advice you got from your parents?

Source

What Dating Advice Have You Gotten From Your Parents?

DearSugar — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 10:45:00 -0700

After my first real boyfriend (Bobby) broke up with me in 8th grade, I'll never forget what my mother told me to make me feel better -- "You've got to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince."

It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear since Bobby was the only "frog" I wanted to be with, but I guess a mother's experience is worth much more than I could give her credit for at my young age. Over 15 years later, I finally see her point.

I'm sure your mother and father gave you plenty of advice on dating and relationships. - some I'm sure you probably didn't agree with (and still don't), and some that was invaluable.

So tell me, what dating advice have you gotten from your parents?

Source

You Asked: My Parents Won't Let Me Go

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm 21 years old and currently going into my last year of college. Before I was with my current boyfriend, I was in another long-term relationship, which ended when I went to college. My parents made my life miserable by pressuring me to break up with him, telling me that we weren't right together. It wasn't a bad relationship, and even though it didn't work out, I don't regret it.

Now it seems to be happening all over again. This Summer I decided to stay near school since I have a steady, full-time job. I'm renting a house with three close friends and my boyfriend of a year and a half. My family was disappointed that I didn't come home for the Summer but told me that if I could budget it, then they would support me. I love it here, and I'm very happy with the choice I made. My parents came up to visit this past weekend and when I asked if my boyfriend could come to dinner with us, my mom said no; she needed to talk to me about some red flags she sees.

They've only met him twice, and I don't think it's fair for them to judge him already. It seems that whenever I get into a serious relationship, instead of supporting me, they have to tell me that I'll ruin my dreams if I settle down too early. I'm happy to listen to their advice, but after that I feel like they need to support me. I know who I am and what I want, and I don't plan on sacrificing any of it for a guy, but that doesn't mean I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. How can I make them understand and support me?

- Unsupported Sienna

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Unsupported Sienna,

You sound like a smart woman with a good head on her shoulders, but trying to break away from your parents - especially when you're super-close as a family- can be really difficult when they're set on holding on to you. As long as you're staying focused on your future and what's truly best for your life, then I think you're on the right path, though it may not be the same path your parents would like for you. Unfortunately, I doubt there's much you can say to make your parents learn to let go any faster - only time will do that. But for now, continue what you have been doing: seriously listening to your parents opinions, paving your own way, and making the healthiest choices for you.

Remind them that while you will always defer to their judgment when making decisions, you can't always make the choice that's best for them. If you act maturely, then eventually they'll have to treat you accordingly. Watching a child enter into the big world is scary for parents, but I'm sure in the end they just want you to be happy. Be patient while they negotiate your new independence, but don't let them scare you out of standing your ground.

Source

Group Therapy: Should I Listen to My Parents?

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 03:00:00 -0700

Back in April I suffered a stroke, but I'm OK now, just at home recovering. I am 21 and have known my current boyfriend for a while, but we have dated seriously for about four months. Somehow my mom found out that I am having sex with him, and she called him and was angry. She had asked him on more than one occasion not to try anything with me. My boyfriend has always been concerned when we have had sex, saying that we should wait, but I told him that I was fine. My mom is worried that I might get pregnant and that my body can't handle that right now, and also that I would lose my health insurance.

Now my parents are telling me that I can't see my boyfriend and that he isn't right for me. Since I can't drive or leave the house, I can't see him at all. I don't know what to do. Should I listen to my parents and break up with him? Or should I stay with him? He's a US Marine and an all-around great guy, and I do love him. Does anyone have any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: My Parents Want Us Married

DearSugar — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm about to graduate from law school and move to be with my fiancé in a town with few job prospects. We have been together for over four years and my parents love him. The problem is, lately they have been putting a lot of pressure on us to get married, they've even been making plans for us. They keep pestering me for information under the guise of financial planning. It's gotten to the point where they bug me about it daily - both of them are calling me separately, taking turns - and it's really upsetting me, which in turn upsets my fiancé.

We both feel like they should just mind their own business and let us deal with our relationship on our own. We have been planning all along to get married, but it just hasn't happened yet. Unfortunately, it has gotten to a point where we are feeling forced into it, and it's ruining any kind of surprise. Any advice for me?

- Pressured Paula

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Pressured Paula,

From what you've said, it's very clear that you and your fiancé, while planning on getting married eventually, just aren't there yet. I can understand how frustrating it must be to deal with your parents' obsessive questions, and I think the only way to combat their concerns is to face them head on and with equal ferocity. First of all, figure out a tentative timeline with your fiancé. I don't think you need to get too specific, just generally where you guys see yourselves in one year, three years, five years. Besides just engagement plans, discuss financial goals, career plans, and the location you want to be living.

Once you've figured all of this out, set up a dinner or lunch with your parents so you can lay it all on the table. Tell them exactly what you guys have decided on as a couple, and make it very clear that you don't want to hear any more harping from them. Explain that this is your life and although their opinions matter to you, as a grown adult, you're quite capable of making relationship decisions on your own. I would also mention to them that their incessant pestering is damaging your relationship. While I think being firm is key, it's always good to end discussions on a positive note, so you might want to add that you promise to always keep them informed - and follow through! I hope this helps.

Source

Mommy Dearest: Should I Trust the Other Parents?

babysugar — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:30:58 -0800

Mommy Dearest,

I am entering new territory and could use some advice. My preschool son is starting to make new friends of his own from his classroom. A few of his little buddies have asked him to come over for a playdate, which is exciting and scary at the same time. Thrilled that he is advancing socially, I am nervous to let him go over to a friend's house where I don't know the parents at all. I could care less about snacks or sugary drinks but I wonder what the mom's disciplinary style may be or how she deals with her children. Heaven forbid she's a closet drinker like that woman who drove drunk and killed all of those innocent children. I don't want to be a helicopter parent but I don't want to regret anything, either.

- Scared to Be Helicopter Mom

To see the response from Mommy Dearest, just read more.

Scared to Be Helicopter Mom,

Your concerns are natural and admirable - you are looking out for your child's best interest. An easy way to solve your problem is to have an initial mommy and child playdate where the boys can play together, and you can get to know the other mother. During that time, you can chat and try to figure out where she stands on some issues. If she talks a big game of drinking or partying, it may be an indicator that you need a few more dual-parent supervised dates or that you need to host the playdates. Another idea is to organize a social event for a group of the moms so you can get to know them outside of your children. It will help you feel better about leaving them in their care and vice versa. More than anything, you should trust your intuition. It's always better to be safe than sorry.

- Mommy Dearest

Submit a question for this feature at the Mommy Dearest Group on our new community page.

Awkward! Not Sure About Inviting Boyfriend to Thanksgiving

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 07:00:00 -0800

Since the Holiday season can be rich with awkward moments, a friend of mine is trying to sort out a relationship dilemma before Thanksgiving arrives. Read her story, and see if you can offer her any advice.

"My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. Thanksgiving is coming up and I will be going to my parent's house, which is about two hours away from where I live now, for the weekend. Each year my extended family and I celebrate Thanksgiving at my aunt's house, which is right near my parent's. Since my boyfriend's family lives really far away, I would love to invite him to come. My only concern is that it might be overwhelming for him. He's met my parents when they came to visit, but this would involve staying at their house, not to mention meeting all my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Then again, it seems like a natural step in our relationship. Should I ask him to come along, or is it putting too much pressure on him?"

(By the way - if you have some awkward tales of your own, join our Awkward! group to share etiquette questions and stories with other readers.)

When Vegetarians Raise Vegetarians

babysugar — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 09:30:08 -0800

For some, dinner is just a meal. For others, it is a way of life and a testament to their beliefs. Carnivores may not give much thought to the burger on their plate, but vegetarians might. They often take comfort in the fact that no animals were harmed in the making of their cuisine - a mindset many would like to pass onto their offspring. Some vegetarian moms limit their children to a strict greens and fruits diet, and others allow their children to choose meals for themselves - meat included. While the choice may seem insignificant to some, others believe a parent's push to be strictly vegetarian may have negative consequences.

Instead of forcing a child into vegetarian restrictions, Jennifer Nelson, director of clinical dietetics at the Mayo Clinic, thinks children who can select their own food may experience less peer pressure than their limitless foodies in the lunch room. Furthermore, she argues it may even cause a child to feel stressed out if she is not limited to parent-approved choices when out on her lonesome. To avoid setting children up for failure, Nelson recommends this tidbit of advice:

You should offer age-appropriate explanations for why they don't eat meat . . . Then give children reassurance and strategies for making food choices when they're not with you.

So tell us, would you raise your child to have the same eating habits as you or would you allow them to test things out for themselves?

Mommy Dearest: How Should I Deal With Gender Issues?

babysugar — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:45:44 -0800

Mommy Dearest,

I have a 4-year-old little girl who seems to fit into the stereotypes surrounding children her age; she loves princesses, makeup, and playing with baby dolls. In an effort to get her to branch out, I have signed her up for soccer with other boys and girls her age. At first, the playtime was terrific - boys and girls running elbow to elbow. Then the coach decided to split them up by gender. Kids generally play with their own sex, so I understood his rationale for dividing them, but at this past practice he decided it was time for the boys to play football while the girls still kicked the ball around. When one of the girls asked the coach why the boys got to play football, he said, "The boys have gotten really good at soccer so we're letting them play football. You guys still need to work on your soccer." All of the mothers on the sideline gasped. While the coach may be right, he is already starting to pigeonhole them into the stereotypes that we moms are trying so hard to avoid. They are such an impressionable age and they are already starting to hear that boys are better than them. I would like to talk with the coach about it, but I don't seem to have the right words. Do you have any advice?

- Antistereotype Soccer Mom

To see Mommy Dearest's response, just read more.

Antistereotype Soccer Mom,

Parents are often conflicted with how to share a gender-divided world with their children. It is commendable that you are trying to take actions to show your girly daughter the other facets of life that don't include tutus and lip gloss, but you may find that not everyone is like minded. It seems the coach could use some, er, coaching in stereotyping. He is probably used to straight talk and may appreciate the candor of a sideline mommy. Rather than make a big issue out of it, I'd simply tell him you want the girls to have the same learning experience as the boys. The larger concern at hand would be how he manages to tell the girls about their routine. I would ask him to explain to the girls that they are equal to the boys and ready to roll with the flag-football punches.

- Mommy Dearest

Submit a question for this feature at the Mommy Dearest Group on our new community page.