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Women's Common Complaint: My Man Is Letting Himself Go

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Many women take great pride in making themselves look good. They eat right, exercise, spend money on makeup, manicures, and highlights, and they're always up to date on the latest fashion. We want to look good for our own self-confidence, but we also do it for the men in our lives. But once we're in a relationship, I'm sure we can all admit to getting comfortable and perhaps not trying as hard. Guys are the same way, but what happens if your man takes comfort to a whole other level and completely lets himself go? Maybe he grows a beard, wear sweats all the time, doesn't shower as much, spends an insane amount of time on the couch, drinks excessively, or gains weight. He may think, "she loves me no matter what" so what's a girl to do? To hear my suggestions read more.

He should be able to be himself with you, but if it's affecting your relationship or his physical and mental health, something must change so tell him how you feel. Explain that it's upsetting that he doesn't show as much effort as he once did, and that it's difficult for you to watch him lose interest in taking care of himself. Give him specific examples so he knows exactly what you're bothered by. You don't have to be mean, but don't beat around the bush either. Be clear with what you expect, and hopefully he'll appreciate your friendly, yet stern advice. After all, he wants you to still find him attractive, right? Has this situation ever happened in one of your relationships?

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Hump Day: Sex Makes Her Uncomfortable

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:30:23 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. If you have questions about sex, send them to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:
I'm 24 and in my first relationship. I really like the guy, we've been going out for six months, but I get nervous whenever he slips his hand under my underwear. He gets the hint and stops. I don't mind him doing other things (we haven't slept together yet), but I wish I wasn't such a prude. I don't know what he expects and I worry that he will be grossed out, as I only shave/wax the bikini line but not the whole thing. What if he thinks it is ugly? I also don't know what I should expect; he knows I'm a virgin, but I don't know how to speak to him about why I get uncomfortable, and I don't know how to overcome it! I also have a few stretch marks and worry that he will be grossed out by them. Please help?

To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more.

Thank you for sharing this challenging situation. I know that it can be scary to talk about things like this, but these are all really common thoughts.

One of the things that can help when you’re on the edge of your comfort zone is to take it very slowly. It’ll probably help to tell your guy about your discomfort, even if you can’t tell him why it’s there. You could simply say "I have a lot of discomfort around sex." You also might want to do a little solo exploration. It takes the pressure off because there aren’t any partner expectations. Check out the wonderful book Becoming Orgasmic. If you’re looking for tips or ideas for techniques, Tickle Your Fancy is full of suggestions. Once you know a bit more about what you like or dislike, you and your boyfriend might be able to find something that you both like to do.

It’s worth mentioning that vulvas come in all different shapes. (The vulva is the external female anatomy. The vagina is the inside part.) There’s a long history of negative attitudes towards the vulva, but each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. A lot of women have the idea that there’s something wrong with their vulvas because they don’t look like what we see in porn or because they have hair, and I think that’s unfortunate. I strongly recommend getting to know your parts and Scarleteen has a great site about that. It’s geared towards teens, but there's lots of amazing info about sex, bodies, and pleasure.

Another option would be to explore some of these concerns with a therapist. When you have an itch on your back, you need someone else to scratch it. Therapists help us by reaching the spots we can’t reach on our own. Lastly, depending on where you are, you could join a body-image support group. While they tend not to focus on sexuality, they can be an incredibly helpful way to work through our concerns about our bodies and how we (or other people) feel about them.

Working through these challenges isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding. Whatever route you choose, I hope you find the pleasure and joy that you deserve.

Women Buy the Underpants in the Relationships

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:00:00 -0800

When it comes to a man's underwear, not only do women have a strong preference, they also have a lot of influence. New research shows that men purchase their own underwear for only 17 years of their entire lives. During the other years, it's either their mothers or significant others who do the buying.

If men have no one to do their shopping, they usually wait to buy new skivvies until they're starting a new relationship. So it might help to hint to your new guy whether you prefer boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs (in fact 54 percent of TrèsSugar readers prefer boxer briefs). And if you're looking for a place to meet an available man, you might want to hang out around an underwear department - according to the research you can predict whether a man is looking for a partner by the number of underpants he buys. (I may take their advice - if those guys look like David Beckham!)

Have you ever bought underwear for your man?

Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

Let's Tackle that Hairy Question: Are Brazilian Waxes Necessary?

BellaSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 11:00:27 -0800

Do you really need a Brazilian wax these days? That's the question a woman posed to the Times of London, after a new beau was "shocked" by her presence of pubic hair. In her letter, she says, "I don’t think that a permanent tan and Brazilian wax should be dealbreakers in a relationship. Or am I just hopelessly outdated?"

Long story short, advice columnist Suzi Godson tells the woman to let 'er rip. "Grooming down there is now considered to be normal, on a par with manicures, blow-drying, and eyebrow waxing," she says. "There is something hugely irritating about being forced to conform to an aesthetic ideal instigated and perpetuated by the porn industry, but, like keeping one’s armpits and legs smooth, it is now expected."

Oh brother. You already know that I hate, hate, hate the whole "wax, or else you are gross and undesirable!" standpoint, but I wanted to get a professional opinion on the matter. So I turned to sex educator Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., MPH, author of Because It Feels Good. Her advice is about 10 times better than Godson's, so read more.

Ask an Older Woman: Help! My Friend's With a Married Man

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's question: One of my good friends has been seeing a married man for about a year. He also just happens to be her boss. When we get together, she bombards me with the details of their relationship. He tells her he's never been happier, and that he'll leave his wife for her soon (yeah, we've heard that one before!) and she seems to believe him. My problem with this whole thing is that not only am I sick of listening to her, and of course could tell her so, but I've lost respect for her. Is it wrong to break up with a friend who's doing things I find morally reprehensible? Is there anything I can do to get through to her that what she is doing is horrible for her, not to mention this man's wife?

Signed, Confused Friend.

To hear what an older woman has to say, read more
Dear Confused Friend,

Ahh, the folly of youth. For every bad relationship I bored my friends with, I in turn listened to details about men (or women) they were with who didn't deserve them. It's part of being a friend.

My best advice to you is to be honest with your friend. You don't mention if you've told her how you feel, or if you did, how she reacted. If you haven't, now is the time to start. Tell her you care about her, but you think that contributing to cheating is morally messed up, and that in the end she's probably just going to get hurt. (I guess "the other woman" sometimes ends up with the guy, but who wants to end up with a cheater?) Also, sleeping with your married boss? Pretty dumb. Do other people in her office know? This is not good for her professional life either. I'd tell her that, too, although it's hard to imagine an adult who doesn't know this.

If you really like this friend and this is the only thing she's done that makes you question her character, ride it out and hope she comes to her senses. There's only so much advice we can give people. If you've told her how you feel and she continues with this affair, that's her decision. If she steers you toward this topic when you hang out, just let her know you don't feel comfortable listening to it anymore.

Sometimes, though, if friends do sketchy things, those acts are a window into the rest of their sketchy selves. I had a friend who not only cheated on her husband once, but throughout their marriage, and I began to notice that her behavior towards him mirrored her behavior towards me and everyone else. She was selfish, narcissistic and unable to ever admit fault. We'd had fun partying together when we were younger, but as we grew older, I realized I needed to respect my friends. After a blowout fight when she said horrible things to me, I took it as my cue to get out, and I dumped her.

You're in a tricky situation, but honesty is the best policy. If you can't be honest with her, maybe you aren't really great friends to begin with, in which case slowly turning down her invitations to hang out and discuss him should send her a message. Good luck!

First Lady Offers First Rate Advice

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:00:00 -0700

For its annual Women of the Year issue, Glamour made Michelle Obama the first First Lady to grace its cover. The issue honors Michelle for her commitment to mentoring young women, and the First Lady shows off these mentoring skills inside the magazine, where she offers readers advice on life and love. Here are some excerpts:

On how it's important to invest in yourself: "I have always tried to put my kids first, and then. . . put myself a really close second, as opposed to fifth or seventh. One thing that I’ve learned from male role models is that they don’t hesitate to invest in themselves."
On what to look for in a partner: "Cute’s good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it’s, Who are you as a person? Don’t look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. . . When you’re dating a man, you should always feel good . . . You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you completely happy and make you feel whole."

Do you think Michelle offers some solid advice?

Women's Common Complaint: Intercourse Doesn't Do It For Me

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 07:00:00 -0700

If you have a difficult time reaching an orgasm solely through intercourse, then you're not alone. Seventy percent of women need special attention paid to their clitoris in order to achieve an orgasm. Logistically speaking, the motion of sex doesn't really provide the direct contact women need, so many women can be left pretty unsatisfied. If sex is consistently mediocre, then you won't be very excited about doing it. But don't give up! It's all about patience and creativity, so start with some of my ideas.

Slow down. While it's nice to rip each other's clothes off and go at it, a woman needs to be warmed up. Spend some extra time on foreplay. Kiss each other all over, let your hands wander all over each other's clothed bodies, and then slowly take turns undressing each other. The anticipation of what's to come is sure to build up excitement.
Since you know that intercourse is a guaranteed party pleaser for your man, let the focus be on you in the beginning. Have him pleasure you with his hands, his mouth, his words, or a vibrator - whatever gets you aroused. Make sure you reach orgasm before you move on to intercourse. That way you'll have your turn, and he'll have his, and you can both really enjoy yourselves.

Two more tips, so read more.

If you need both clitoral and vaginal stimulation, then one of you will have to make it happen. Since men are doing a lot of the work when it comes to intercourse, it may be difficult for him to do two things at once. So while you're having sex, you can use your hand to pleasure yourself, and he can focus on the rest.
If you don't want to use your hands, pick up a vibrating ring. It's a little flexible ring that has a vibrator attached. The ring goes around the base of the man's penis, and the vibrator is on top, giving you 20 minutes of stimulation right where you need it.

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Hump Day: My Boyfriend Doesn't Like Giving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:
"I'm in my early 20s and just started dating this guy I feel wildly attracted to, but he says he doesn't perform oral sex ever. He says it's 'too subservient,' and he doesn't like the taste. He definitely likes to receive it, and I kind of like to give it, but I feel torn. Is this normal? OK? Or is this guy a jerk?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Some people adore giving oral sex and others have zero interest in it. I suggest letting go of the idea of “normal” and focus on what works for both of you. Is your boyfriend a jerk? If he’s generally considerate about most things, or if he mostly acts in ways that shows that he cares for and respects you, then I think that’s a very different situation than if he’s generally rude, selfish, or self-centered. Take a step back from the oral sex part of the equation and make an honest appraisal of all aspects of your relationship.

Assuming that he’s not a jerk, there are a few possibilities oral sex turns him off.

Some men have absorbed the message that vaginas are "dirty." If we (men and women) weren't taught somewhere that vaginas were icky, Eve Ensler wouldn’t have felt the need to create the Vagina Monologues. And even when we intellectually know that those messages aren’t true, they are incredibly tenacious. Does your boyfriend seem like he’s turned off by your vulva in general or does he avoid seeing it or touching it? If so, perhaps there are some deeper issues at play. On the other hand, if he enjoys pleasuring you in other ways, then perhaps it’s a sexual preference, rather than vulva-phobia.

Oral sex can have connotations of submission for many. Ask him what he finds “subservient” about it. If it’s about a specific position, maybe there’s a different way for you to do it, like 69ing, or having mutual oral sex, since you’d each be “serving” the other. Another possibility is that your boyfriend might be concerned about being good at oral sex, but afraid to ask for directions.

Fortunately, there are some great books and DVDs to help him out, if lack of knowledge is what’s blocking him. Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex #1 - Cunnilingus is an excellent how-to DVD with lots of great tips and suggestions. If you or he prefers a book to a DVD, there’s Violet Blue’s Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus. I’m also a fan of She Comes First: The...Guide To Pleasuring A Woman, although it’s not only about oral sex.

With all of these possibilities, the best advice I can give you is to ask him for more information about why oral sex doesn’t float his boat. The more you know about what’s going on for him, the easier it’ll be for you to decide what you want to do.

Mad Men: This Week's 5 Maddest Moments

BuzzSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 08:30:23 -0700

It's Summer in the '60s in this week's Mad Men, and the latest episode, "Souvenir" is all about getting out of dodge or being left behind, and how it affects relationships.

Pete, Don and Betty are the focus of this week, though for once, Don isn't the one getting into trouble. Lots of mad moments from this episode, so to see what I thought (spoilers ahead!), just read more.

The kiss: Betty lets Henry kiss her after the reservoir victory at city hall. For all her previous flirtatiousness, she acts reluctant as Henry butts his head into the car aggressively - not that she doesn't kiss back or anything. Later, she tells Sally how special first kisses are and that you can never have the first one with someone again. This wistful speech sounds like it's coming from a blushing 15-year-old, and you know she's thinking of her own encounter. "I'm done with that," she says to Francine about the reservoir, but she means Henry, and I believe her - not because her guilty conscience will stop it, but because of Betty's immaturity. She got chased by a boy she liked, kissed him, now she's over it.
Roman holiday: How glam were Don and Betty arriving in Rome? The '60s Italian movie star getup on Betty is a bit jarring, but I was into their sexy "strangers in Rome" game. As much as these two hurt each other in their marriage, I still find myself rooting for them, and when things are going great, their Ken and Barbie perfection is impossibly romantic. But when they come home and back to their real lives and real problems, it's heartbreaking to see Betty's bitterness.
The affair of the party dress: Pete, Pete, Pete. The German au pair next door first brings out Pete's decent side, when he kindly offers to help the distraught girl with a stained dress. That is, until booze, loneliness, and general Pete Campbell-ness propel him into dirtbag territory. How far do things go? We can guess, but either way, it's horrible and a new low for Pete. Ugh, and how smarmy is the neighbor from next door when he comes over to confront Pete? It's totally OK to sexually assault nannies, bro, just not my nanny! Great advice.
Willful wifely ignorance: I didn't completely hate Pete toward the end, because his sullen face when Trudy comes home actually showed shame, which is more than you can say for Mr. Donald Draper. Trudy seems to know exactly what went on in her absence, but stalking off and then accepting Pete's proposal that she not leave town without him again are all she needs to move past her husband's infidelity. Some things in this show are pretty hard to watch as a woman, and the relationship behavior is one of them. It's a bummer: the women are doormats because they were expected to be.
Joanie & Petie: I was thrilled when Joan shows up at the department store to help Pete, looking all gorgeous and chic. Her interaction with Pete is a little more relaxed than it was at the agency, but the whole thing is still a little awkward. She's got to come back to Sterling Cooper, and I hope we don't have to wait too long; she's one of my favorite characters.

There was a lot of action for a show that's not usually known for it, and I love when we get to see the 1960s in another setting; in this case, Italy. What did you think? Do you really think Betty is done with Henry? What's your opinion of Pete now? And to talk more about the show, check out the Mad Men Group in the BuzzSugar community!

Photo courtesy of AMC