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Dear Poll: Were You Ever Told It Wouldn't Last?

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:00:00 -0800

When Jessica Simpson first started dating Tony Romo, everyone seemed quick to write them off. She had just come out of a string of failed relationships and Tony came under fire for letting Jessica "ruin his football season." Even though they're still together, I feel like we're just waiting for news of the break up, since we all "know" it won't last.

I imagine hearing this kind of sentiment from people can put a lot of strain on a relationship. I'm not sure whether it would make it harder to stay together, or create more determination to make it work. Although I know I would be both sad and annoyed to have people think that about my relationship, I can't lie and say that I've never thought that about other couples. So let me ask you, have you ever been told - or knew people were thinking - that your relationship wouldn't last?

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You Asked: Can We Make It?

DearSugar — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am 33 and in a relationship with a 27-year-old male. We have been together for two years, but he constantly has doubts about our relationship and has broken up with me several times. He always apologizes and begs me to take him back, and I cave ever time. I love him and am ready to be committed, but just when things seem to be going well, he starts talking about how he's too young to be in such a serious relationship. I know he loves me, so should I just be patient with him or should I end the relationship once and for all before he hurts me anymore? - In Limbo Lana

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Dear In Limbo Lana,

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is just scared of being tied down. I'm not sure if his age has anything to do with it or if you two are simply on different pages, but what I do know is that it's not fair of him to toy with your emotions as he is. Breaking up and making up is a destructive and confusing cycle. My suggestion to you is to sit down and have a very serious talk about the future of your relationship. Make sure you know what his expectations are, make sure he knows what yours are, and if he can't agree to keep the lines of communication open before just throwing up his hands and quitting, you might want to reconsider this relationship. It's important that you both feel secure in the love you share so get to the bottom of this relationship before you waste any more of each other's time. Good luck.

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You Asked: Why Do I Constantly Think About Him?

DearSugar — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Last Summer I broke up with my boyfriend, who I was with for six years. The first year into our relationship was great, but soon after that he started cheating on me. I did not find out until months later because we were having a long-distance relationship for three out of the six years. I really loved him, he was my first boyfriend, and I was already thinking about a future together, but he just wasn't as ready as I was. I started to see that besides our constant troubles of his relations with other girls, we were on totally different levels as to what we wanted from our relationship. In our last months as a couple, the romance was completely gone, we didn't do anything with each other anymore, and we basically lived together like friends. When I asked him if he wanted to break up with me, he said it didn't matter. I then met this other guy whom I adored so much, and I finally had the courage to break up with my boyfriend.

He did not take it well at all, so there was turmoil for about four months after, while I was starting my relationship with the "new" guy. After six months with him, I broke it off because I constantly found myself thinking about my first boyfriend. At times I am mad because of all the heartbreaks he caused me, but other times I really miss the good times we had. He was a really sweet guy, amazing to me, but when we were apart he would cheat. I have no regular contact with him (maybe once every two months) but I'm still jealous when I hear stories about him and other girls. I still love him, but I don't want to be with him again. I believe that I'm still not completely over him but I do want to be. Can you help me out of this? - Stuck in the Past Patty

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Dear Stuck in the Past Patty,

It's pretty clear from your letter that you aren't over your ex. Since you jumped right into a new relationship before you were even fully broken up with your ex, it doesn't surprise me that you're still harboring feelings for him. Getting over someone you cared for and were with for as long as you were will not happen over night, but unfortunately the only way you'll be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else is if you put him in the past.

I'm glad to hear that you have minimal contact with him, and while it's only natural to miss the good times and forget about the bad, they still exist. Perhaps you should scroll up and re-read the beginning of your note. He cheated on you, he wasn't as ready as you were to further your relationship, and he didn't seem to have any sorrow about the possibility of breaking up. Since he was your first boyfriend, you will probably always have a special place in your heart from him, but I think we both know it's time to leave him in the past. You deserve to be with someone who possesses all the good qualities that you saw in him without the unfaithfulness and dishonesty. Be strong, lean on your friends and family for support, talk about how you feel, and with time, I have faith that you'll be able to move past this relationship. I wish you luck.

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The How-To Lounge: Breaking Up is Hard to Do

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 09:30:00 -0700

Breaking up is hard to do, and sometimes it is almost worse to be the one who initiates the split. Although every situation is different, there are some crucial points to take into consideration when breaking the news that you no longer care to be in your relationship -- especially if the other person is caught off guard. Ending things in a mature fashion (if possible) will benefit both of you, so to read more, read more

Honesty, honesty, honesty
Make sure you are as sure as you can be about your choice to end the relationship before initiating "the talk"
Although you have probably confided in friends or family about your desire to split, be sure you are the one who breaks the news to your partner. You don't want him to hear it through your best friends, boyfriends, cousin, etc.
Talk to him when you are calm, collected, and most importantly, sober
Choose a neutral, private place to talk, and do it in person. Avoid your favorite restaurant or coffee shop as you never know the outcome of your conversation and you don't want to associate your favorite place with a break up
Allow yourself enough time to really talk everything out, but it might be a good idea to have a plan for after you have "the talk". Your partner might want to talk and over analyze every situation, and talking in circles won't do either one of you any good
Give each other the closure you both need to move on. If he has questions, answer them. Make sure you say everything you planned to say as you don't want to walk away feeling like you left anything out
Although you are ending the relationship, reassure your partner that you won't forget the good parts of your relationship. Try to focus on the positives rather than the negatives
If your partner tries to makes deals or promises, chances are if he or she hasn't changed when you were together, he or she won't now either (although every relationship and breakup is different)
If he or she lashes out at you, throwing low blows or saying hurtful comments, keep in mind that he or she is simply upset and trying to make you feel the same pain they are experiencing

The most important thing to keep in mind is don't postpone the inevitable. Once you realize things aren't working out for you, if you aren't honest with your partner, you are bound to push them away subconsciously leaving them more hurt and confused than if you were to simply speak your mind.

I hope these tips are helpful if you have to do the unfortunate, ending a relationship. Good luck.

You Asked: I'm Heart-Broken, HELP!

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I feel devastated. My boyfriend broke up with me today. He was my first boyfriend and honestly the one that I thought I would end up with. We met in our last year of high school and broke up two years later. A year later we got back together, and now today we broke up. A 5 1/2 year relationship - done. Initially, I had decided to take a break, just because I was beginning to feel like he wasn't appreciating me anymore, not being romantic, calling me or going out with me as much. We had a talk and he confessed that yes, he felt like he needed to date other girls to make sure that I was really the one. He said that he still cared for me, and that even during this break, he would feel jealous if he heard that I went out with other guys.

Well, he emailed me today to tell me the devastating news, that it was really over. Overall, I still believe he is a good guy, and his rationale makes sense to me, but I honestly thought that we would just end up happily together. My question is, how do I get over him? Will I get over him? How do I move on? What do I do? And then, he still wants us to keep in touch, to maintain a friendship. Can that be done? I am honestly too hurt to even consider a friendship. I'm just really upset, devastated, and just feel really empty. Cheer me up, Sugar.

--Heart-Broken Heather

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Dear Heart-Broken Heather--

Breaking up with someone you love is probably the worst feeling you can have. It's going to take a lot of time to "mourn" your relationship, and my best advice is to surround yourself with friends who will make you feel better. Do the things you love to do. Keep yourself busy with a new hobby or with work. Go to the gym, to the book store, to the movies, or shopping! Get a massage, get your nails done, get a new haircut. Remember that you need to take care of yourself right now.

If he still wants to be friends, and you find that much too difficult to bear right now, then maintain your space. Don't see him, don't talk to him, don't email him. Do what you need to do to get him out of your mind. At least you can feel good knowing that he obviously still cares for you deeply if he wants to stay in touch with you, but please don't just sit around thinking he'll want you back because then you'll never get over him. Move on by deciding to move on.

Know that everyone has felt as sad as you feel right now. Without heartache, true love wouldn't feel so amazing. With some time apart, it'll give you a chance to think and reflect on your relationship and your own future. Remember how you didn't feel appreciated or loved as much as you thought you deserved? Well, maybe once you feel ready to date again, you'll meet someone who will give you what you need. You're still young and now you have the chance to date and experience new relationships. Think of this as a welcome opportunity to find even deeper love. My heart goes out to you but I know you will get through this and be a stronger woman because of it.

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Do Tell: How Long Should You Wait After a Breakup to Date Again?

DearSugar — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 10:00:00 -0800

A good friend of mine was dating his girlfriend for over two years. Even though they lived together, I never thought she was right for him. They'd fight all the time, break up, and then get back together - it was exhausting.

I was happy when he told me they ended it for good and that she was moving out, but later that week, I saw him at a restaurant on a date with a new girl. Though he was technically single, I couldn't help but think it was a little soon to be dating again.

What do you think? Is there a certain amount of time you should wait before dating again out of respect for your ex, or is it completely OK to put yourself out there just as soon as your relationship is over? And does the amount of time you dated, or whether you were the dumper or the dumpee, change anything?

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You Asked: Is It Really Too Late?

DearSugar — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I broke up but we still have to live together for another month while I get my finances in order and find a new apartment. We actually have been getting along better than we did before the break up, which is making it a lot harder for me to accept that it's really over. We are still intimate as well, which I know isn't a good idea, but we have a major connection and still really love each other.

Our story is this: We're both in our late 20s, dated for two years, and are both still struggling with money and our careers. He is an independent filmmaker who doesn't make much money, but really cares about his art. I lost my public relations job over the Summer and I took a much lower paying job this Winter, which I love but it barely pays the bills. Needless to say we have a lot of financial problems, and I was feeling like he was always putting his career before me. I also really wanted a commitment from him - not a proposal, but a commitment toward a future together and he couldn't give it to me. Why are guys always so afraid of commitment? And how do we get through this break up while we are still living together? We are obviously both still in love, so it's really hard on both sides.
- Stuck in a Bind Betsy

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Dear Stuck in a Bind Betsy,

It sounds like you aren't ready to break up, so have you both talked about the possibility of giving your relationship another shot? If that's not an option, I advise you to move out of the apartment ASAP. I understand that you're in a sticky financial situation right now, but going through the motions like nothing's changed is just going to make this process harder on the both of you. Do you have any friends or family members that you can stay with until you find another place? Does he?

Sure, men are very different when it comes to commitment, but if he saw a future with you, he'd be able to tell you so. I don't doubt that you still care very deeply for one another, but if you can't get what you want from him, you've got to put yourself first. There really is no way to get through this break when you're still very much together so if I were you, I'd sever your ties with him so you can find that level of devotion with someone else. I wish you luck.

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You Asked: How Do I Move On?

DearSugar — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have a big problem of letting go of my ex. What kills me is after our break up, he has constantly had other girlfriends and I have had no boyfriends. Its not that I don't want to date, I just haven't met anyone I really like which leads me to the hurt and confusion of how quickly and easily he has moved on. It's been about eight months since our break up and when we first separated, it was with the intention of getting back together (he felt that he needed to sow his wild oats before taking the next step with me) but that never happened and I'm clearly still not over him. What do I do? How can I move on like he has? - Still in Love Laura

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Dear Still in Love Laura,

I am sorry you are hurting right now. Everyone's heart heals at a different pace so try not to be so hard on yourself for taking a little bit more time than he has. Sure, your ex has moved on, but since he's had multiple girlfriends in eight months, they are clearly just filling a void. It sounds like you held out hope when you were on your break even though he clearly had no intention of getting back together like he promised so it's time to put this relationship behind you once and for all.

Get yourself out there again, Laura. You don't need to meet Mr. Right, but you do need to get off your couch and start having fun. Go out with your girlfriends, see a movie, go shopping, exercise - do anything to keep your mind off your ex. Unfortunately there's no formula for finding a boyfriend - like E. Jean said, it's just a numbers game so place yourself where there are high numbers of men with similar interests as you, keep an open mind and most importantly, have fun! Good luck to you.

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Hindsight Is 20/20

DearSugar — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Or so they say. I’ve certainly found that to be the case when it comes to old relationships. I always try to take my experiences, good and bad, with me as I move forward in life, but sometimes I still think it would be nice to go back in time and use what I’ve learned to change or avoid things.

It's truly amazing how after a rough break up and some time to recover, suddenly everything becomes so clear. In fact, in most cases, with a little hindsight, I can actually pinpoint the exact moment that everything changed or things started to go downhill. Looking back, can you see the first sign of trouble in your old relationships? What was it?

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Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: How Can She Break Up With Him?

DearSugar — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 09:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar and My Heart is Torn Tara need your help. How can she break up with her boyfriend and tell his friend she likes him instead?

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. I love him very much, but I'm afraid the relationship has descended into codependency. He's an angry, negative person with little or no life ambition. I've just recently had major surgery and whenever I call upon him to walk my dog or help me get groceries (I really don't ask him that often), it's like I'm the biggest burden in his life. To add more to the mix, I have serious feelings for his friend who's moving away in two months! It's making my head spin. Help me sort this out. I know I need to break up with him, I just don't know how. Furthermore, I feel like if I don't tell the other guy how I feel, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Please help. I need an outsider's opinion as all of my girlfriends have lost their patience with me.

- My Heart is Torn Tara

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