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Are You Facebook Friends With Your Exes?

GeekSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:44:00 -0800

An essay in this week's New York Times hit close to home. The author, mourning the breakup of a long-term relationship, used Facebook to keep up with what his ex was doing. I've covered this topic before in Tech Dating 101 posts; from using Facebook to get to know a potential date to how and when to change your relationship status. I've even offered my advice for how to cut an ex out of your digital life. He was pretty distraught over the breakup, but still couldn't resist the occasional peek at her page:

"Every once in a while, when I was feeling particularly pathetic, I would log on to her Facebook page and listlessly click through the photos of a life that was, somewhat disappointingly, continuing without me."

While I still feel it's best to avoid an ex on Facebook, especially after a tough breakup, actually pulling the trigger to delete an ex from your list of friends is tough.

When Is Your Breakup Season?

DearSugar — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 16:00:00 -0800

If you're still together with your significant other, you've got 22 more days until you're out of the danger zone according to January's issue of Shape. Research shows that 56 percent of breakups happen between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. Sure, the holidays are a stressful time for everyone, but I would have thought that more people would break up once Spring had sprung, not when you want a warm body to cuddle up with. I guess my assumptions were incorrect on this one! So ladies, since we are apparently in the midst of breakup season, do you agree with these statistics or is Spring/Summer when you usually end your relationships?

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Have You Ever Been Blindsided by a Breakup?

TresSugar — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 11:30:00 -0700

If you've been following the saga of Jessica Simpson's love life, you may have heard that the singer was blindsided by her recent breakup with football star Tony Romo.

While there may be a fine line between normal relationship troubles and serious warning signs, I think most people get a feeling that something's up before one partner decides the relationship has run its course. Still, I have a few friends who have been completely caught off guard when their significant others decided it was time to become exes. Has this ever happened to you?

You Asked: My Boyfriend Dragged Me Through the Mud

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 12:56:55 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I was with my ex for three years - we lived together and pretty much grew up together. We have been broken up for two months and it's been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with - moving my stuff out was extremely painful. All I ever do is think about him and our old life. The thing that tears me up the most is that I just found out he's been extremely promiscuous since we've split, all the while having breakup sex with me. I also learned that he is now ready to settle down again, but not with me.

I'm hurt that he got to have all of his fun and drag me along on his ride only to leave me in his tracks. I am incredibly heartbroken, saddened, disgusted and I feel completely rejected. I dream about him almost every night and wake up every morning, sad to be at my mom's house and not our old apartment. Is this normal? I feel like I'm crazy to still think about him every day and mourn like this. - Heartbroken Heidi

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Heartbroken Heidi,

To answer your question, yes, your reaction is completely normal - in fact, I'd be a little concerned if you weren't feeling this way after ending a three-year relationship. The fact that you had to move out of the apartment you shared definitely makes matters worse, so take your time in this grieving process and try not to be so hard on yourself. In the meantime, if living at home with your mom is making this bad situation worse, I suggest you find a roommate and move out ASAP.

Having breakup sex adds a level of difficulty to the moving on process, but rest assured that thinking about your ex, even though he dragged you through the mud, does not make you crazy, it makes you human. Time is the best healer, but you should also lean on your friends and family for support. All of your feelings are justified Heidi, and in due time, I have faith that you'll see that this relationship just was not meant to be. Hang in there and good luck.

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Dear Poll: After a Breakup, Do You Prefer to Talk or Cut Off All Ties?

DearSugar — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

There's no doubt about it, breakups are tough. Some people stay in their relationships longer than they should and others cut straight to the point and end things when they know it's not meant to be - since there's no right way, I say to each their own. But since ending a long-term romantic relationship can feel somewhat like a death, some couples try to hold onto whatever they can as a way to ease into single life. I've always been a cold turkey kind of breakup-er myself, but what about you? Do you prefer to take the friend route after the breakup or is cutting off all communication your preferred method?

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Things You Forget During a Breakup

DearSugar — Wed, 21 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Breaking up is like being forced to climb onto an emotional rollercoaster that goes way too fast and lasts far too long. In the midst of all those competing emotions, it’s easy to find yourself obsessing over it. I have a few reminders about those things that might slip your mind in the wake of a difficult breakup. To see them, read more.

There’s nothing wrong with you, and the fact that you’re no longer in a relationship is not an indicator of your self-worth!
You really do deserve better - like being in a lasting relationship. No matter what mistakes you may have made, you always deserve to be happy.
Things weren’t as great as you’re remembering them to be. It’s easy to idealize the things we no longer have, but that doesn’t mean it’s a true reflection of the past.
You’re right - there is no one like that person, and you’ll never have that relationship again, but you can and will have better!
It's trite but so true that with every ended relationship you suffer a loss, but also a gain. Not only was the relationship a learning experience, but recovering from a breakup is in itself an amazing (yet painful) time of personal growth.
It may not seem like it, but others really do understand how you feel, although that doesn’t mean you have to pay attention to their words of wisdom.
You’re completely justified in your feelings - nothing about breaking up is easy - but you do have to move forward eventually, even if it’s only little by little.

It seems impossible, but you will be happy again. If you can't do anything else, hold on to that one bit of hope and you'll make it through.

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You Asked: Why Do I Feel So Terrible?

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

After seven years of dating my boyfriend, I broke up with him. I had known in my heart for a while that I couldn't marry him and I had been very unhappy for a long time. Among many other problems, I felt that he wasn't attentive enough. He tried in his way, but I was left lonely and miserable. My friends and family, seeing my loneliness, constantly told me I could do better and were probably tired of my complaining (I know I was).

Our main contact was daily phone calls. He was one of the first people I called when anything happened. We talked when we were bored and just to hear the other's voice, but toward the end, I avoided him at all costs. So my question is this: Why do I feel so awful? I was fine immediately after the breakup - I knew I had to do it - but now I'm a wreck. I have been crying for days now. I feel terrible about breaking his heart and about my passive-aggressive treatment toward him for the last six months. I guess it comes down to the fact that we were best friends but terrible lovers, but I still can't help feeling a loss. Any suggestions? - Dumped Him Heidi

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Dumped Him Heidi,

Breakups are hard no matter who initiated the split, and they are usually accompanied by feelings of guilt, loss, confusion, loneliness, and sadness. You two were together for a really long time, so instead of being so hard on yourself, take a step back and realize that moving on and letting go of the past seven years of your life isn't going to happen overnight.

It sounds to me like your relationship was more about friendship and companionship than romance, but losing a friend can often be even harder than losing a lover. As with all things, time will help heal your sadness. While I don't doubt that you loved him, it's pretty clear that you did the right thing by ending it - you'd be doing him a disservice by staying together only to break up later down the road.

The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself right now. Lean on your friends and family for support and most importantly, realize that you did what was right for you. Hopefully once the dust settles, you two can be friends, but for right now, do whatever it takes to mourn the loss of your relationship so you can put it behind you sooner rather than later - you deserve to be happy and loved in a relationship, not miserable and lonely.

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You Asked: Is This My Second Chance?

DearSugar — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me almost three months ago. I was devastated and completely broken-hearted, but I realized that by breaking up with me, he actually saved my life. I had been slowly falling into a deep depression over the last four months of our relationship and denied every bit of it to myself. He saw through it and tried to help me, but I pushed him away. After he crushed my world, I was forced to face reality and deal with my demons.

Now it's three months later, and I already feel like a whole new person. But I've been thinking of him constantly. We hadn't spoken once since we broke up, until he texted me the other day to ask how I was doing. Obviously I was thrilled, and we ended up talking for an hour, at the end of which he asked me if I would want to meet up some time soon. I'm really excited, but I also don't want to read into this too much or screw things up if he does want to get back together. How should I approach him at dinner?

- Second Chance Sandra

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Second Chance Sandra,

It's wonderful to hear that you used the breakup with your boyfriend to examine and overcome some of the issues that you had been previously ignoring. It sounds that you're in a very positive place emotionally speaking, which is a good time to pursue a relationship. As for the approaching meetup, avoid thinking of it as a date, but more as a chance for you guys to reconnect on a friend level. This will help mentality reduce any pressure and allow you to get a sense of whether or not he's interested.

When broaching the idea of getting back together with someone, it's always important to remember why you broke up in the first place. Consider in detail the problems you faced in your relationship, as most of them don't just go away, even if you've had a few months apart. It's also important to be aware that if you don't address them, they're likely to start up again right where you both left them. In your case, consider the role your depression played in the relationship and the breakup: Was it the cause or the effect? Most importantly, take things with your ex one step at a time, and should you guys choose to get back together, don't be afraid to communicate all of your concerns with him. Good luck!

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You Asked: How Do I Deal With a Breakup?

DearSugar — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 08:00:48 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I met a guy who was coming out of a five-year relationship with a girl who was his first love. He even asked her to marry him, but she said no. He was a mess, and I was the friend, then the friend-with-benefits, then the more-than-friends, and then his new girlfriend.

In the beginning of our relationship, I found out he lied to me (a lot). He would still call the ex, see her, and frankly I know he was still in love with her. I didn't learn even after fighting, making up, breaking up, jealousy, then resentment, and hurting each other purposely. We fought a lot, but we really loved each other, so we remained together.

Recently, he moved back home, which is in another country, and he told his family he wanted to marry me. We had major trust issues, and things were hard due to the major time change. Plus I felt like he was changing into someone else, and basically everything “bad” from our relationship hit me at once and I broke up with him.

Those around me who have seen me cry about him and see that we weren't compatible keep telling me it'll get easier and that it was the right decision. I know they're right. It wasn’t fair for the both of us to continue in such an unhealthy relationship, but I'm having the hardest time getting over this. I've literally blocked him out of my life, and I don't pick up his phone calls or reply to his emails, but I can't stop thinking I made the wrong decision, and I miss him so much. How do I stop hurting and feeling so bitter? How do I snap out of it?

-Depressed and Lonely Lenore

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Depressed and Lonely Lenore,

My heart goes out to you, because I know how hurt and alone you are feeling. Everyone feels this horrible after a breakup, and everyone questions if it was the right decision. You did make the right decision, and it's going to take some time for your heart to heal. Cutting off contact with him was an excellent move on your part, because it will allow your mind the space it needs to forget about him.

You shouldn't have to go through this on your own either. Every time you feel really low and have the urge to talk to him, call your best friend. He or she can lift your spirits and remind you that you are a beautiful human being who deserves to be in a loving relationship. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your friend, you could write down your thoughts in a journal. Just don't keep your feelings bottled up inside. Letting them out will validate them and make you feel much better.

Take this time to do things that make you feel happy and good about yourself. When I'm going through a breakup, I like to go to the gym to work through my emotions, but maybe you'd prefer shopping, baking, or spending time with your family. Do things that take your mind off of him, and with time, you'll be ready to open your heart to someone new.

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You Asked: Am I Overreacting About Their Cat Connection?

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months, and he's been sharing custody of his cat with his ex-girlfriend throughout our entire relationship. I am all for loving your animal like part of the family, but this is just driving me crazy. The cat travels back and forth between the two of them, which means they are constantly connected. I have told him that this bothers me, but he thinks I'm being crazy and insecure. He constantly reassures me that he's over her, but it's really starting to affect our relationship, and I want to fix it before it's too late. What should I say or do? - Jealous Jessica

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Jealous Jessica,

Sharing custody of an animal can definitely be tricky after a breakup, and yes, it means that both owners are in constant contact. But no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel, you're going to have to get used to it if you want this relationship to work. While it's easy to jump to conclusions about their constant communication, try to put yourself in their shoes - wouldn't you do whatever it took to spend time with your beloved animal?

I'm glad you told your boyfriend how you feel, but I think it would be best of you two had a deeper conversation about it. He's discredited your feelings, so my advice to you is to think about what would make you feel more secure about their situation and then explain your position to him. Hopefully he'll be able to take your side into consideration, and on the flip side, hopefully you'll be able to see that this really is about the animal, not the ex-girlfriend. Good luck to you.

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