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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Why Did He Wait to Tell Me This?

DearSugar — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 09:00:00 -0800

DearSugar and Blindsided Betsy need your help. Her husband just came clean and told her that he's unhappy in their relationship and has been for quite a while now. She doesn't understand why they didn't have this conversation before they got married and she's both devastated and angry. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my husband for six and a half years (married for one), and two weeks ago, he came to me and told me that he isn't fulfilled in our relationship and hasn't been for some time now. He said that I am a wonderful, gorgeous, perfect wife/woman, but my communication skills are lacking and my conversation isn't stimulating enough for him. He doesn't know what he wants to do, but he does know that he isn't happy. Mind you he's never said anything to me about this before - never!

I feel like I've given so much to this relationship, including moving to another state and giving up the job I loved, and this is what I get in return? The fact that he's decided to tell me that he doesn't feel like we're "compatible" after we're already married upsets me to no end. We are going to counseling for the next three months, but there are no guarantees that anything will change in his mind, and quite frankly, I feel like the damage he's caused is irreversible. I love him and always thought he loved me too, so has our entire relationship been a sham? I just don't know what to think anymore and I fear that I've wasted seven years of my life only to become a divorcée. I don't know what to do now so any advice would be a huge help. - Blindsided Betsy

Source

Relationship Protocol: Couples Counseling

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 10:00:00 -0700

I’m always quick to mention therapy as an option for people in relationships who are working through what can seem like insurmountable issues. The effects of communication in a safe environment with a third party professional vary from person to person but have the potential to be quite powerful. That said, I’m not convinced that therapy is the answer for every relationship, especially those that have yet to commit to a lifetime partnership, marriage or otherwise. If you’re two years in and having problems, maybe that means you’re just not meant to be.

I’m being tough, I know, but do you agree that couples counseling is best left to the long-term and lifelong committed relationships? Or do you think therapy is viable for any couple that wants to make it work?

Source

Marital Counseling With Dr. Phil

GiggleSugar — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 07:00:00 -0800

Dr. Phil: Über perceptive or speaking from experience? You be the judge.

Ask an Agnostic: I Cheated on My Husband and Feel Guilty

TresSugar — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a Christian woman who cheated on her husband feels guilty and needs advice; she'll get some from an agnostic. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair. I'm a good woman, and I do love my husband very deeply but I have a problem with being alone and he is not here. I have always had a problem with cheating and I have never been faithful in a relationship. I recently ended the affair but the guilt is killing me and I don't know what to do, especially as a Christian woman.

Signed,
Guilty as Sin

To hear what an agnostic has to say, read more

Dear Guilty,

I don't know what to tell you "as a Christian woman," as I am an agnostic woman and religion doesn't factor into my life, but I will tell you what I know about cheaters and cheating. It may not assuage your guilt, but perhaps it will help you to figure out why you continue to sabotage your relationships and undermine your self-esteem, and hopefully it will get you into therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you keep stepping out on people you say you love so deeply.

I have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves. I've heard many justifications for cheating, and they all seem to be variations on the theme of, "I'm being cheated, so I have a free pass to cheat." Let's say they feel cheated because they're not being paid attention to by their partner. Instead of expressing this to the partner and seeing how they can remedy it to their mutual satisfaction (or, if there's no remedy, to get the hell out of the relationship), they grab onto what they can to fill that void, their partner be damned. It's a passive-aggressive act that seems to say, "I am too powerless (or chicken) to directly confront this head-on, so I will get what I can on the down-low."

Or let's say they're jealous of their partner, who might be more successful, happier or have more sexual experience than they. Cheating for them accomplishes two things. Out of resentment that life hasn't given them what they wanted, and out of a feeling of egoic deficiency - they get a quick fix of attention from another person (filling a void inside by outside validation), and they secretly punish their partner for having what they don't.

You say you've never been faithful in a relationship, so although you almost blame your husband for your cheating ("he is not here"), you also admit you are the one with the problem. This is a good first step. So what to do now? There are two schools of thought about what you should do if you've cheated and stopped.

One school says that to tell the person you cheated on would be selfish; all it would accomplish is to put your burden on them. This school of thought says you should just suck it up and vow to yourself you'll never do it again. Another school says that you must come clean and give the other person a chance to decide whether or not they want to forgive you or work on the relationship with you.

This is a personal decision I can't make for you. For me, cheating is an (almost) irreparable act of contempt for the person you're in a relationship with. If it happened to me, I would want to have the chance to determine whether or not the person who did it was a) truly sorry, and b) sure it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I'd want someone of questionable ethics to decide on my behalf. Plus, I'd have more respect for someone who came clean even at the risk of losing the relationship.

What seems most important to me is that you figure out why, especially if you believe in the pretty rigid moral code of Christianity (especially when it comes to sexual matters), you keep on cheating? Maybe you are rebelling against this moral code. What do you lack within your marriage (but more importantly, within yourself) that you're getting from attention outside your marriage? (Maybe your husband travels a lot, leaving you alone. Lots of people are alone, though, without feeling empty inside. This is an important distinction.) Are you someone who doesn't feel comfortable confronting others, or asking for what you want? This "people-pleasing" attitude often means a lot of repressed anger, which can lead to cheating.

Whatever you decide to do, the first step I would recommend you take is to repair the relationship you have with yourself. If your actions don't square with your beliefs about right and wrong, you need to confront that first before you begin to heal your relationship with your husband. Hope that helps and good luck to you.

Ask a Feminist: My BF's Texting My Friend – Should I Worry?

TresSugar — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 11:15:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. A Feminist, who answered a previous Conventional Wisdom column, is back to answer yet another "Am I paranoid or is he cheating on me?" question. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I recently found out my boyfriend has been texting my friend behind my back. He says there's nothing going on and that she has a boyfriend. He doesn't live with me as he works away, but he texts and calls her more than he does me. When I confronted him, he just said she was giving him relationship advice but I don't know what to believe. He also lied about being at work one day and apparently stayed with one of his friends instead of being with our daughter and me. I don't know what to do. I'm so paranoid lately.

Signed, Worried.

To find out what a feminist has to say to Worried, read more

Hi Worried,

I'm sure you know the saying, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." I say this not to make light of your situation, but to remind you that both your extreme suspicion and your boyfriend's inappropriate behavior could be going on simultaneously.

To begin with - I need more information about your situation. You have a child with this boyfriend. Was this a planned pregnancy? Are you both together for the sake of your child or do you truly want to be together? How old are you? Do you plan to get married? I ask this to get a sense of what your bond with your boyfriend is right now, as well as to see if ambivalence might be fueling his lies and strange lack of boundaries. From the way you describe his behavior and your lack of trust, I almost don't need answers to these other questions.

It goes without saying that without trust in a relationship, there's nothing. If you both have promised to be exclusive with one another, and your boyfriend begins to erode your trust in other areas, it makes sense you would begin to wonder if he's strayed from his fidelity or plans to.

Although I can't speculate on his fidelity to you, I can say your boyfriend, the father of your child, seems to lack a sense of propriety, or a sense of what appropriate behavior is. To text and call your female friend without your knowledge to talk about relationship issues is sketchy in the extreme. Whether he's counseling her or getting advice (what the heck could he be asking her or saying about you?!), seeking emotional intimacy with your friend is just weird. Is he trying to get "close" to her in other ways? I assume your friend told you he was doing this and with what frequency, given that you say he's calling and texting her more than he does you.

This is a problem, Worried. I would confront him. Make sure he understands why this feels like an emotional betrayal, tell him that you want him to talk to you about your relationship, and that he needs to stop texting and confiding in your friend. If you can, maybe you both can see a counselor together. The bottom line is, use common sense in deciding whether or not you can trust him going forward. I really believe we women should trust our guts about infidelity or its potential - we're almost never wrong.

Good luck!

Ask a Buddhist: Can I "Find Myself" While With Someone?

TresSugar — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a person who believes in Buddhist teachings will offer her common sense advice to a 24-year-old looking to find herself. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

Is it possible to figure out what you want out of your life while in a committed relationship? My boyfriend and I started dating when we were 16, when we were still young and impressionable. Now, we're both 24 years old, and while we are very much in love with one another, we're both feeling as though we do not know ourselves as individuals. And while we want to figure ourselves out while being together, we have tried - though not very successfully - and it hasn't quite worked so far. So, is it possible to figure yourself out while in a relationship? Or is it best to just cut ties despite the love you feel for another and take time out for yourself, alone?

- In Love but Confused

To find out what the Buddhist has to say, read more.

Dear In Love and Confused,

Wow. Your question really hits home, and I'll try to answer it with the wisdom of my experiences and those of my friends.

I, too, asked this question when I was 24 after having been with my boyfriend, my first love, since I was 18. (Not quite as long you.) I had the 20-something equivalent of the seven-year-itch. I'd never been with another person, I'd moved in with the boyfriend at a young age, and although we had different things going on (he was older and had a career that he loved and I was in college), I felt that there was a big world out there I wasn't exploring so we could be together.

In my case, ultimately, the decision was easier because my restlessness had to do with wanting to having other sexual experiences with people. I loved him, but knew that if I stayed with him, my curiosity would get the better of me. Although it was one of the toughest decisions I had to make, and there were many doubts and tears, I didn't regret my decision to break up with him and move on.

Having said that, I also know people who have remained with the people they fell in love with as teens who are leading happy and fulfilled lives in which the experiences they have separately add to the relationship they have together. The relationship, for each of them, is a place where they not only share experiences that expand their sense of self (they travel together, volunteer together, have similar hobbies), but where, after they do their own thing separately (with their own set of friends, their own travel adventures, etc.) they can come back to the relationship without the other person feeling left out or intimidated by their partner's separateness.

This is where it can get tricky. What experiences contribute to that feeling of "individuality" as you refer to it? There are things you might not be able to discover while in a committed relationship - in my case, it was experiences with other people. Or let's say you want to travel abroad. Unless your boyfriend can do that with you, you might have to spend some time apart. Will you both be OK with being apart and being monogamous? Would you be able to take a break from your relationship, and the monogamy, with an agreement to be back together and see how it goes? Maybe counseling could help you figure out what it is exactly that feels missing, so you could experiment before you "cut ties" with this person you sound like you're really in love with. (I'm curious about what it was you tried and wasn't successful.)

Whether you met when you were 16 or 25 (or 35, 45 or 55!), the challenge of maintaining your individuality in a couple will remain. I know some people who met at ripe old ages who are in stifling relationships that end up being excuses for not exploring who they really are. You definitely have a challenge, but one that's not insurmountable. The question is, how creative can you be, how honest can you be, how flexible can you be? Try out everything you can, and if at the end of the day, you decide that the only way you can find yourselves is to be apart, maybe you can make a pact to meet up again at a certain age and see if it works?

Not losing yourself in a relationship is something everyone - of all ages - experiences. I have a feeling you two can be honest with each other to try everything out to see what works best for you. If you were meant to be together, it will all work out in the end. Good luck, stay present with what you're feeling, and be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.

- A Buddhist

What Factors Have Put a Strain on Your Relationships?

TresSugar — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 04:00:00 -0700

The Internet is increasingly putting a strain on marriages in Ireland and presumably on relationships in other countries, too. According to a major marriage counseling service in Ireland, too much time spent in cyberspace by one partner is becoming more common as the number one problem in a marriage.

Even perfectly healthy relationships often have a weak spot. Be it financial concerns, an insatiable appetite for video games, or the insufferable in-laws, there's a variety of things that can put a strain on your relationship. What's your number one complaint from your current or past relationship?

Don't Charge These Purchases to Your Credit Card

SavvySugar — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:30:10 -0700

Whether we like it or not (and I can't imagine anybody likes it), credit card companies have gotten into the habit of monitoring the behavior of their customers based on the purchases they make. Yes, your card issuer might be watching you. And they're making conclusions about your credit worthiness based on your spending behavior.

Robert Manning, author of Credit Card Nation, partnered up with Marketplace to compile a list of the 10 things you shouldn't charge to your credit card if you don't want credit card companies to question the state of your finances.

Traffic tickets: "A lot of people who have charged traffic tickets have defaulted on their cards."
Retreading your tires: "If you've bought new tires in the past, this can look like a desperate move."
Bargain binges: "If you haven't used your credit card at a 99-cent store or at Wal-Mart, don't start now!"
Adult playthings: "Porn is seen as escapism by card companies. And guess what they're thinking you're trying to escape from? Financial worries."
Marriage counseling and therapy: "Divorce can destroy your finances. Needing therapy may also make it look like you're unstable."

See the five other purchases to avoid when you read more.

Lottery tickets: "You don't want your card company to think you're irresponsible - or a gambler."
Cash advances: "Tapping your card for cash? Or using a credit-card check to pay other bills? Not a good look."
Personal pampering: "If you don't normally splurge at the spa, don't put your facial or massage on your plastic."
Income taxes: "Whenever you rack up one bill (by using your credit card) to pay another bill (your taxes) it raises a red flag."
Booze: "Springing for too many drinks may be a sign of job stress, financial stress, or relationship stress."

Would You Go to an Adult Sex Ed Class?

TresSugar — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 09:33:22 -0700

Some religious people may object to sex education for kids, but churches around the country are increasingly offering such courses for adults.

In fact, a specific group of churches puts sexuality at the heart of their mission. Over 40,000 children and adults have taken at least one of the group's "Our Whole Lives" courses, which emphasize the important role sex plays in our lives. A spokesperson explained: "Your sexuality doesn't end after you stop having babies or get divorced or after you turn 60. It is who we are in our core. We feel it has to be integrated into our spirituality because, for us, spirituality is about wholeness."

Unlike sex therapy or marriage counseling, sex education courses aren't necessarily for people who have serious problems in their relationships. Varied topics covered in the courses include how to enjoy sex after losing a breast to breast cancer, how to manage being a parent and a sexual person, and how to feel sexually satisfied if you're not married.

Would you considering taking one of these courses?

Katie Keeps It Local While Peter Celebrates Bollywood in China

PopSugarUK — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 03:00:00 -0700

Katie Price and Peter Andre were on opposite sides of the world yesterday, as it was revealed that they tried marriage counselling in a bid to save their relationship. Kate, who has bought a new horse, was in London, wearing a cheeky t shirt for a meeting and then changing into an animal print dress for a night out at Nobu, never missing an opportunity for self-promotion. Meanwhile, Peter was in China for the International Indian Film Academy Awards. Known as the Bollywood Oscars, Peter will present an award at the ceremony and joked about moving in to Indian cinema. He spoke about how he's coping with the split, saying:

"The past four weeks have been the worst of my life. It was hell. No matter what happens, you never stop loving someone. Initially I couldn’t even have thought about work – my head was everywhere. It still is everywhere. But it’s been a month now and I know I’ve got to start pulling myself together. The response I’ve had since being in China has been absolutely amazing. This, and the work I am doing now, is beginning to give me confidence again. Singing has given me something to focus on. I never expected the attention I’ve been getting and I am so glad this is happening. I’ve only been here a couple of days but it’s already turned out better than I ever hoped. Finally, I am beginning to smile again. It’s not like I’m a bundle of joy now, but it’s getting better. I’m even cracking terrible jokes!"

It's good to see Kate and Peter focusing on their passions to help deal with their separation.

Loads more pictures of Peter and Katie, so just read more.

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