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Group Therapy: Can Our Relationship Survive This?

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Recently I discovered, much to my dismay, that I am pregnant. Already being a single mother of one, I find myself confused and completely stressed out. I am in a long distance relationship and am completely committed to my boyfriend despite the geographical hurdle, and when I told him about the pregnancy, he immediately told me that he wanted to keep the baby and asked me to move in with him.

After mulling it over for a few weeks, I started to think that we actually could make things work. The problem is that after my boyfriend was being loving and supportive, and pushing for me to keep the baby, he changed his mind - he no longer wants to be a father. He says he still wants to be with me, but can we really return to our lives and the happiness that was once our relationship if I do decide to keep the baby? I believe that he would rise to the occasion and be a father if need be, so does he just have cold feet? I'm totally lost and could use any advice you're willing to give me.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Group Therapy: Am I in a Dead End Relationship?

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 04:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half - long distance. We've exchanged "I love you"s and he says he wants to spent the rest of his life with me, but I'm afraid he's all talk.

I am currently on a break from grad school, heading back in a month, while he's in between jobs with some prestigious interviews lined up, looking to relocate. I toyed with the idea of taking a semester off and moving in with him for a while, but he rejected my plan and told me to finish school first.

I am sick of only seeing him once every one or two months and I've told him that I'm not happy with our arrangement - I feel like I'm always waiting for him to call the shots. I asked for a break until we've both decide what we want to do with our careers, but he said he doesn't believe in breaks; that we're either in or out. I'm afraid I'm going to be waiting for him forever, missing other opportunities to meet new people. Should I keep holding on, or is this a dead-end relationship?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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You Asked: I Refuse to Accept That We're Over

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A few years ago I met a guy who quickly became my best friend; in fact, he was really the best thing that ever happened to me. In the beginning we were just inseparable, great friends. But months later, I realized I was in love with him. Soon after, he admitted that he loved me, too, and we started dating. It was amazing at first, but within a few months we started fighting a lot. We eventually broke up, but stayed really good friends. We tried getting back together but it didn't work, and we ended up down the same road.

Finally, we stopped talking for about six months, until one night he called me and said that he just wanted us to be friends again. So we started talking, and within a month he was talking about a girl he'd met. I tried to be casual about it, but every time he mentioned her I felt extremely jealous. It wasn't before long that I figured out that there was something really special between them. After talking about how strong his feelings for her are I finally snapped, and threatened to never speak to him again. He was upset by my outburst, and we haven't talked since.

I only lashed out at him for attention, and now I can't stop thinking about him. I wish I had just dealt with it because now I can't let go of him. I love him, and I have to do everything in my power to get him back. I need him in my life. But he wants nothing to do with me, and is crazy about this other girl. What should I do now?

- Needy Naila

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Needy Naila,

I know you're not going to want to hear this, but it's pretty clear to me that it's time for you to let go. There's no point in waiting around for a relationship that's already proven itself to be unsuccessful time and time again. Maybe now is your chance to ask what you can do just for you instead of trying to figure out what you can do to please him. A crush should always come secondary to your mental well-being, and if it's not that means there's a problem.

If this is affecting your life to the extent that you're having a difficult time coping with the day-to-day stuff, try talking to a therapist. Sometimes having an objective listener will help you process the emotions you've been ruminating in for the past few months. Also, an outside voice may allow you to see the situation more clearly. Try writing a letter to your ex expressing everything that you wish you could say to his face, but don't send it. Instead, give your emotions a release. And don't forget to confide in your family and friends; they're there for support.

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Sunday Confessional: I've Been Faking Orgasms Our Entire Relationship!

DearSugar — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for over five months. I'm very happy with where we are as couple except for one area: our sex life. My boyfriend just doesn't do it for me! I'm completely attracted to him, but his moves just don't get me to where I need to go. It's partially my fault; I've never communicated my likes and dislikes, instead, I've been faking orgasms (I know, I know) since day one.

At first it was just a matter of not ruining the night, but after a while it would have just been too weird if I didn't (pretend) orgasm anymore. I guess I just figured it would work itself out, but it hasn't. So now, in all these months, I haven't had one real orgasm and I can't take it anymore! I am satisfied in every other way, and I want to make it work, but I can't even comprehend what his reaction might be if I tell him the truth. He's a kind man, but he's still very prideful. Do you think he could ever forgive me for this?

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You Asked: How Do I Get My Husband to Express His Emotions?

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for about a year and a half. When we first started dating, my now husband got a kidney transplant as a result of an accident he had some five years before. He has told me the overall story - he fell from a tree and not only suffered kidney complications but also had trauma to his back for which he's had numerous surgeries, but yesterday after I asked more details about it, he got defensive and said he doesn't like talking about it.

I just don't know how to react to that. In general, he has a really hard time talking about things that I consider important, and I guess this is only the tip of the iceberg. I have opened up to him about my own issues and feel that if he is avoiding that subject, it will just keep hurting his confidence and self-esteem (he had to drop out of college temporarily afterwards). I want to support him and love him for who he is. Am I overreacting? How do I approach this again?

- Communicator Caila

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Communicator Caila,

While opening up and expressing your feelings may come easily to you, you have to realize that it's not so natural for your husband. As frustrating as it may be for the rest of us, some people are just not comfortable vocalizing emotions that may bring up feelings of sadness or, in your husband's case, pain. Though I tend to agree that avoiding these issues will only make things worse, you can't force him to talk about something that he doesn't want to.

What your husband went through and continues to go through is traumatic. Learning to live with physical pain, as I'm sure he deals with, can take a toll on a person and requires a certain level of understanding from those around them. Thus, instead of pressing the issue, make it clear that you're ready and willing to listen when he's able to talk about it.

It's perfectly reasonable to let him know that his inability to open up to you is hurting you and making you feel cut out of his life, but know that change overnight is unlikely. This is probably something you'll both have to work through over time and with each other. Start opening up the lines of communication about smaller issues that you encounter. As he learns to express himself and trust you as a listener, he might be more inclined to delve into some of these darker memories.

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Group Therapy: I Keep Blowing Things Out of Proportion

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I have been with my boyfriend for four years, the last three of which have been long distance because of school. I am currently living with him during my summer break. Since I have been living with him I find myself getting upset over the smallest things. For example he likes to go skating downhills which I think is dangerous. When he goes I get upset and start to feel like my opinion doesn't matter.

I know I am blowing every thing out of proportion, and its starting to affect me. He told me he would never leave me, but I feel if I continue being so negative, it will in turn have a negative effect on our relationship. Do anyone have advice on what to do? Is this just a phase that will pass?
[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: Can This Relationship Be Saved?

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

I have been dating a wonderful guy for three years. I am 25 now and he is about to turn 26. We met when I was in my last year of college. He has been in a band from the beginning, but always had a non-committal attitude about it; it's just been something he has done for fun. I was always upfront that while I supported his passion and talent, it was not a lifestyle that I would ever want to lead when we get more serious and settle down.

Last year around this time, he started really complaining about the band, and even talked about quitting, but he didn't. Recently, the band has started to become more of a problem than it ever was. He practices two nights a week and sometimes plays both weekend evenings. The gigs are getting bigger, which means larger crowds and more girls. To be honest, the whole scene is just trashy. He is a great guy and I trust him completely, but lately it seems like this is becoming more than just a thing on the side. Recently, we got in a fight at one of his shows, and I left.

I decided that it was something we needed to talk about further to ensure that we are on the same page and that the band isn't going to be around forever. But he turned completely cold and basically decided that it's over; he's an emotional wreck about it. Our relationship has been wonderful, and although I definitely see marriage in our future, there is no pressure from me, and I'm not expecting it anytime soon. My friends and family are completely shocked. I just feel like after three years, you can't just walk away. I know I need to give him his space, but he is an amazing guy and I really don't want to let this go. It's so out of character. What can I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: I'm Fantasizing About My Ex

DearSugar — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating the most amazing guy for almost a year now. We are compatible on every level and our sex life is wonderful. Things are going so well that we plan to move in together at the end of the Summer and are considering marriage in the future. The only problem is I can't stop fantasizing about a guy I used to see off and on. He was out of the picture for a while but now he's back. He's not at all stable boyfriend material, but we have the most intense conversations.

I know intellectually that my boyfriend is "Mr. Right" and that this guy is "Mr. Wrong," but why do I feel so incredibly attracted to him when I see him? I am not a cheater - so that's not the issue. I just want to know why I feel this way and whether it's a sign that something isn't quite right between me and my current guy. Or am I just afraid of commitment?

- Hooked on Mr. Wrong Mandy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Hooked on Mr. Wrong Mandy,

If you know your ex is trouble and you recognize that your attraction to him is potentially harming your current relationship, then I can't help but wonder why you continue to see him or participate in "intimate conversations" with him. While I can't say if it's a fear of commitment or a mismatch with your boyfriend that's causing these fantasies, one thing I do know is that you can't continue to have a close relationship with both.

It's time to cut off all ties with your ex for good and focus your energy back into your current relationship. If you continue to carry deep feelings for your ex or anyone else then I would take some time before moving in with your guy to determine if you are in fact ready to make that commitment. Even if you and your boyfriend are compatible on every level, it's possible that the deeper attraction and connection just isn't there. But you'll never know if you don't put your ex out of your mind and find out for yourself.

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Dear Poll: Have You Ever Been Cheated On?

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:00:00 -0700

I'm nearly positive that the majority of us would consider cheating one of the most damaging acts that can be done to a relationship. Certainly people have varying opinions on what counts as cheating and whether or not it should be forgiven, but I wonder how many of us have actually experienced it firsthand. If a survey among my friends is any indicator, I'd guess that many of you have felt the pain of cheating. Ladies, I'm sure it’s difficult to say, but have you ever been cheated on?

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You Asked: Is He Just Settling For Me?

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. We dated on and off and were friends for a year before we actually became a couple. We are about to move in together and I'm really starting to have reservations about our relationship. First of all, he was engaged previously and proposed to his then girlfriend after just three months - they were both only 20 years old. Things ended badly between them. While I didn't have a desire to get engaged that early, I can't help but feel that maybe his feelings for me are not as strong as they were for his ex. We have talked about marriage, but he really wants to wait a few years.

He has also said that as long as I don't cheat on him or treat him badly, he will never break up with me. Those words seem to lack passion, and it makes me feel as though he's just settling for me. I was the first to say "I love you" and sometimes I feel like he said it back because it was the polite thing to do. I believe that he means it now, but I can't shake the feeling that he isn't nuts about me like he was with his ex.

He was really affectionate when we first started dating and now if I ask him to cuddle or kiss me, he acts put out. He has no problem taking me out or buying me things, but this is not what matters to me. I don't know what to do. We are a month away from moving in together and I'm afraid that things are only going to get worse after that. Is he just settling for me? Or am I just being crazy?

- Not So Crazy in Love Casey

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Not So Crazy in Love Casey,

There seems to be two issues going on here. The first being your concerns about your boyfriend's feelings towards you, and the second is your hesitation at the prospect of moving in together. To address the latter, moving in with your significant other is a huge commitment, so I think it's only fair to both of you that you're ready and comfortable with taking that step. I agree with you that any issues you're currently having will only manifest themselves as greater problems once you're sharing a home.

Consider putting the breaks on the move-in date while you work through these fears. I think it's far more likely that you'll regret moving in too soon than waiting a little longer. As far as feeling like your boyfriend may not love you the way you like, it's important to take a step back and force yourself to stop overanalyzing things. It's possible you're correct, but you'll never know if you don't start considering things more rationally.

Keep in mind that your boyfriend's engagement was both too young, too fast, and had an unhappy ending. That alone is enough to make any person, guy or girl, want to slow down the next time around. I think it's actually a good sign that he's put a past mistake to good use. And perhaps his words about cheating and treating him badly are connected to this previous relationship as well. It's normal for affection to die off a bit, but make sure you let him know that his reaction when you ask for a hug hurts you. In fact, I'd let him know how you're feeling about all of this. Give him the opportunity to explain himself. If after a talk you're feeling the same, then consider if this is the kind of relationship that you want to have.

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