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Awkward! Not Sure About Inviting Boyfriend to Thanksgiving

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 07:00:00 -0800

Since the Holiday season can be rich with awkward moments, a friend of mine is trying to sort out a relationship dilemma before Thanksgiving arrives. Read her story, and see if you can offer her any advice.

"My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. Thanksgiving is coming up and I will be going to my parent's house, which is about two hours away from where I live now, for the weekend. Each year my extended family and I celebrate Thanksgiving at my aunt's house, which is right near my parent's. Since my boyfriend's family lives really far away, I would love to invite him to come. My only concern is that it might be overwhelming for him. He's met my parents when they came to visit, but this would involve staying at their house, not to mention meeting all my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Then again, it seems like a natural step in our relationship. Should I ask him to come along, or is it putting too much pressure on him?"

(By the way - if you have some awkward tales of your own, join our Awkward! group to share etiquette questions and stories with other readers.)

You Asked: Everyone Disapproves of Our Relationship

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend is an old friend of my two brothers. Obviously they know everything about him. I fell in love with him and he fell for me, but everyone, including my mother, disapproves of our relationship. They say he is a "dog," and that he doesn't know how to respect women. I know all of his past sins, but I get a lot of respect from him. I refuse to react on what my siblings are telling me. I believe that I made a choice to be with him and if there's anything wrong with him, I should see it with my own eyes and not because of what everyone else says.

I'm a little scared though. Sometimes I wonder if I'll regret loving him and wonder if my family is right. We have been together for almost two years now, and we've had our ups and downs just like all couples do but one thing's for sure - we dearly love each other and we want to be together forever. My mom and brothers used to like him before he dated me, and now she hates the sight him. It's so sad and painful! I feel like I'm making his life miserable and he feels the same. My boyfriend would say that I'm an adult now and they need to know that I'm old enough to make my own decisions. I agree with him, but it's hard because my relationship with my family is beginning to suffer. What should I do?

-In Love and They Hate Him Harley

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear In Love and They Hate Him Harley,

I know this is a really hard situation to be in, but try to take a step back so you can see things from their perspective. They only want what's best for you because they love you so much. They think you deserve to be with someone who treats you well, someone who loves and cares for you as much as they do. With that said, even though your boyfriend has had issues with respecting women in the past, you've been with him long enough to know that he respects you.

If you love him and are happy with your relationship then I would keep trying to convey that to your family. Explain how much it hurts you and your boyfriend when they act so hatefully. Also let them know how serious this relationship is and how much it would mean to you if they gave him the benefit of the doubt. It stinks that he has to defend himself to win their trust, but if you know in your heart that he's the one, don't give up. I'm sure your family will come around once they realize how happy he makes you and that what was in the past has nothing to do with your future together. Good luck, Harley.

Source

Starting a relationship...need advice

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 03:18:05 -0800

I wrote "Am I "overreacting" or am I allowed to feel this way?" on 12/10/06, and I'm turning 23 soon, and I have yet to have a boyfriend. I guess so many things have gone wrong in my life that I want this to be the one thing that goes right, so I've waited this long before getting into a relationship...Besides, with everything else going on, I didn't have the time for a boy and the relatiohship drama...lucky me, so people tell me. But I want to be with someone, and I hope it will happen for me, I just don't know how long I have to wait...

I have a funny story though. I posted a profile on an online dating site, just for the sake of saying I've used all my options...and I guess I caught a particular guy's eye. The funny thing is that we went to high school together almost 7 years ago. He was my age, but I had a crush on his really cute friend that was a year older than us...that's why I know who he is...and we kind of knew the same people, but never talked at all in high school. I even had him in my English class before I transferred high schools junior year. We haven't started talking yet, but I'm a little worried...

With not just him, but with any guy. I've been depressed for so long, and still haven't gotten help for it, and I'm still fighting through life, just being able to get through it. My family makes me feel worthless because I haven't accomplished anything in the past 4 years since I graduated high school. I went to a junior college, even though I'm capable of going to a University...I couldn't focus on school, so I didn't do the best I possibly could do. I guess I'm still very self-conscious. I haven't had many jobs because I either go to school or work, I didn't do both, I couldn't handle both, I've tried. I got baptized into what I thought was a church, but turned out to be very cult-like, and I was there for 2 years...which, in that time, my family asked me to be a foster parent to my 7 nieces and nephews when I was only 20...I've had some really bad years, but that was my worst.

I still am trying to put my life together, that's why I feel that dating isn't right for me at the moment, but a part of me doesn't want to be alone like that anymore. I grew up a hopeless romantic, and was surrounded by people in relationships...I was always the third wheel, the single friend...and in the midst of all their drama, I didn't mind. But I desperately want to be with a man I like, go to the movies with him, or hold his hand and look into his eyes and get that crazy knotty feeling in the pit of my stomach...sadly, kind of the way I feel when I'm watching couples on TV or movies...I kind of put myself in their positions and feel what they feel. My only relationships are the ones I try to live through the characters on my favorite shows, that is the extent of it.

What I'm worried about is letting someone in like that. I've been an open person my entire life, and it hasn't gotten me very far, but I can't fix that...I'm too honest, too open, and too trusting, I don't know why. I always believed in telling the truth, and I believed that what people say is the truth, so I tell them everything they could possibly know about me, so they could either stick around or leave...some actually stick around, and those friendships are the ones I cherish...But now, I'm too scared to even talk about my life, I have a fear of being judged, even though I know that no one has a right to judge me...How can I tell a guy I like that I am where I am today because I let most of the things in my life get to me, so I'm stuck in a pit that I'm desperately trying to climb out of on my own...I feel like a bum because I can't stay at a job I don't like for more than 3 months, I'll get too unhappy that I can't function properly; that everytime I try to focus on school, something happens to mess it up and I just stand still; that to this day, I still let my family get to me and hurt me; that I know I need help, I know I need therapy but I can't afford it and my family can't know because I was never allowed to discuss our family with anyone ever...

What do I do while I feel all this, and a guy happens to come in my life? I've pushed a lot of guys away for this reason, good or bad, I don't know, but I didn't wait long enough to find out.

Ask a Woman Unwilling to Settle: My Boyfriend Calls Me Names

TresSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a woman unwilling to settle shares her wisdom with a distraught woman who's sick of her boyfriend calling her cruel names. October is domestic violence awareness month. Remember, just because he's not punching you in the face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

This week's question:

"Every time my boyfriend gets angry, I get called names. 'Bitch' is the most often one thrown at me. I have told him so many times that it hurts me but he says it's only words. Sometimes he doesn't even apologize. Yesterday, he told me a story about his friend. I told him that I had a headache. He started shouting and telling me that I just wasn't interested, that I was rude. I wanted him to shut up. He called me a bitch again! He always tells me that he would never call me anything if I didn't make him by behaving like an idiot. Once he called me pathetic. I told him I didn't like that and he said at least he didn't call me a bitch. I'm sick and tired of explaining how wrong he is. He thinks he knows better. Please help!"

Signed,

In Pain

To hear what a woman unwilling to settle thinks about this situation, read more

Dear In Pain:

GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM!

The simple truth is that your boyfriend does not respect you and he certainly doesn’t value you, your feelings, or your relationship. He is literally shouting this at you. And it’s time for you to hear him, loud and clear.

I realize it’s easy to become confused in matters of the heart. But at the core of any meaningful, loving, long-lasting relationship is always going to be respect. (Trust Aretha to say it like it is!) Without that, you’ve got nothing. And that is exactly what you’ve got right now-nothing.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have the maturity, self-awareness, or emotional development to be the man you want or to offer you the relationship you deserve. (Or at least I presume you expect something more, since you’ve taken the time to write in!)

You are only fooling yourself if you think this guy is going to change. And while you continue to endure his demeaning comments and cruel behavior, you could be out there enjoying the world, meeting new people, and building a life and relationships to be proud of. What are you waiting for?

Take that next step! Show yourself a little respect and leave him and his drama behind you. And while you’re at it, ask yourself one very simple question: why are you in this situation to begin with? If you take the time to sort out your head now, you’ll spare yourself the heartache and disappointment of repeating the same pattern in the future. And at that point you'll be free to meet someone worthy of your time and your heart. Stop being so afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and make the change now!

Source

Ask an MBA Student: Is It OK For My Boyfriend to See His Ex?

TresSugar — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:00:44 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a guy working on his MBA tries to help out a woman nervous about her boyfriend's ex. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:
My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend just moved back in town and he wants to hang out with her. She's going to stop by his house this week so they can catch up. They broke up a couple of years ago, but they dated for a few years so this sort of makes me uncomfortable. Can I tell him that I don't want them to be friends? I don't know whether I should be upset or just let it go.

Signed,
Nervous

To read the MBA student's advice, read more.

Dear Nervous,

My advice is to let them hang out and catch up initially. It's natural for friends who haven't seen each other to meet up; there is nothing to worry about. I think it might be a good idea for you to be there, if your boyfriend is OK with that. If this is truly a friend situation, he shouldn't have a problem with you being there, and if the ex-girlfriend is moving back into town then she should want to get to know you. After they catch up, the novelty might go away and they might never see each other again as people change. However, if they continue to hang out and see each other a lot, you can let him know that it makes you uncomfortable. He should respect your wishes and tone it down.

Signed,
An MBA Student

Ask an Intern: I'm Jealous of My Boyfriend's Female Friend!

TresSugar — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 08:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, our fabulous new intern dispenses advice to a woman who is beginning to wonder if her boyfriend's female friend is "just a friend." If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I've been dating this wonderful guy for two years now. Lately, though, I've gotten really insecure about myself and the relationship.

During the last six months, there's been a girl that he has started hanging out with more frequently. They go to school together and often have breakfast or go to sporting events. (I see him about twice a week.) I feel like I should relax and let him have his female friends, but I can't get over the fact that they might not just be friends. (He told me once he didn't think men and women could be platonic friends.) I get this awful sick feeling every time he mentions her name, I don't know if its jealousy or insecurity, but I just feel bad!

I tried talking to him about it a few months ago, and all he said was that I'm the one for him and he can't help it if his friends are hot. (That didn't help me feel much better!) I know we are in an adult relationship and he is allowed to choose his friends, so how can I change the way I think and feel so that I'm OK with it? Help!

Insecure and Hating It. To hear what an intern has to say about this, read more

Dear Insecure and Hating It,

I often shy away from confronting people with my insecurities and worries, but I have come to realize that if I am having a dilemma then it’s best to just talk about it. Have you asked your boyfriend if he is romantically interested in this other woman? If not, then you should. It’s a legitimate question and don’t be afraid to ask him what their relationship is and how he feels about her. It’s good to talk about things and get them in the open.

If you’re not ready to talk, maybe ask him if you can join them on their outings and then use the power of observation to see what their relationship is like. But remember, it’s good to be direct. I’m personally tired of playing games and while the natural inclination may be to find yourself a new cute guy friend to stir jealousy, I doubt that will work. Good luck!

Need Advice? Send in Your Questions!

TresSugar — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 11:49:33 -0700

Whether you want advice on sex, etiquette or relationships (or all of the above!) send your questions to TrèsSugar and they'll be answered by experts and opinionated people alike!

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life who will give you common sense advice.

Awkward! features those sticky etiquette questions that can be so, well, awkward! Readers will weigh in on your situation and give you advice like a good friend would.

Our Hump Day sex advice column is answered every week by sexpert Dr. Charlie Glickman from the awesome woman-friendly adult toy store, Good Vibrations.

Again, you can submit questions here.

Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

Are You Facebook Friends With Your Exes?

GeekSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:44:00 -0800

An essay in this week's New York Times hit close to home. The author, mourning the breakup of a long-term relationship, used Facebook to keep up with what his ex was doing. I've covered this topic before in Tech Dating 101 posts; from using Facebook to get to know a potential date to how and when to change your relationship status. I've even offered my advice for how to cut an ex out of your digital life. He was pretty distraught over the breakup, but still couldn't resist the occasional peek at her page:

"Every once in a while, when I was feeling particularly pathetic, I would log on to her Facebook page and listlessly click through the photos of a life that was, somewhat disappointingly, continuing without me."

While I still feel it's best to avoid an ex on Facebook, especially after a tough breakup, actually pulling the trigger to delete an ex from your list of friends is tough.

Ask a Buddhist: Can I "Find Myself" While With Someone?

TresSugar — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a person who believes in Buddhist teachings will offer her common sense advice to a 24-year-old looking to find herself. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

Is it possible to figure out what you want out of your life while in a committed relationship? My boyfriend and I started dating when we were 16, when we were still young and impressionable. Now, we're both 24 years old, and while we are very much in love with one another, we're both feeling as though we do not know ourselves as individuals. And while we want to figure ourselves out while being together, we have tried - though not very successfully - and it hasn't quite worked so far. So, is it possible to figure yourself out while in a relationship? Or is it best to just cut ties despite the love you feel for another and take time out for yourself, alone?

- In Love but Confused

To find out what the Buddhist has to say, read more.

Dear In Love and Confused,

Wow. Your question really hits home, and I'll try to answer it with the wisdom of my experiences and those of my friends.

I, too, asked this question when I was 24 after having been with my boyfriend, my first love, since I was 18. (Not quite as long you.) I had the 20-something equivalent of the seven-year-itch. I'd never been with another person, I'd moved in with the boyfriend at a young age, and although we had different things going on (he was older and had a career that he loved and I was in college), I felt that there was a big world out there I wasn't exploring so we could be together.

In my case, ultimately, the decision was easier because my restlessness had to do with wanting to having other sexual experiences with people. I loved him, but knew that if I stayed with him, my curiosity would get the better of me. Although it was one of the toughest decisions I had to make, and there were many doubts and tears, I didn't regret my decision to break up with him and move on.

Having said that, I also know people who have remained with the people they fell in love with as teens who are leading happy and fulfilled lives in which the experiences they have separately add to the relationship they have together. The relationship, for each of them, is a place where they not only share experiences that expand their sense of self (they travel together, volunteer together, have similar hobbies), but where, after they do their own thing separately (with their own set of friends, their own travel adventures, etc.) they can come back to the relationship without the other person feeling left out or intimidated by their partner's separateness.

This is where it can get tricky. What experiences contribute to that feeling of "individuality" as you refer to it? There are things you might not be able to discover while in a committed relationship - in my case, it was experiences with other people. Or let's say you want to travel abroad. Unless your boyfriend can do that with you, you might have to spend some time apart. Will you both be OK with being apart and being monogamous? Would you be able to take a break from your relationship, and the monogamy, with an agreement to be back together and see how it goes? Maybe counseling could help you figure out what it is exactly that feels missing, so you could experiment before you "cut ties" with this person you sound like you're really in love with. (I'm curious about what it was you tried and wasn't successful.)

Whether you met when you were 16 or 25 (or 35, 45 or 55!), the challenge of maintaining your individuality in a couple will remain. I know some people who met at ripe old ages who are in stifling relationships that end up being excuses for not exploring who they really are. You definitely have a challenge, but one that's not insurmountable. The question is, how creative can you be, how honest can you be, how flexible can you be? Try out everything you can, and if at the end of the day, you decide that the only way you can find yourselves is to be apart, maybe you can make a pact to meet up again at a certain age and see if it works?

Not losing yourself in a relationship is something everyone - of all ages - experiences. I have a feeling you two can be honest with each other to try everything out to see what works best for you. If you were meant to be together, it will all work out in the end. Good luck, stay present with what you're feeling, and be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.

- A Buddhist