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Relationship Protocol: Do You Trust Your Significant Other to Run Your Errands?

DearSugar — Mon, 12 May 2008 14:00:00 -0700

My good friend FitSugar was telling me a funny story about a recent trip her husband took to the grocery store. She gave him a list of ingredients she needed to make dinner that night but when he came back, he had forgotten the main component of the recipe - the meat! Now I may be wrong, but I happen to feel that there are just certain things women are better at and remembering details, especially at the grocery store, is one of them. Running errands is a serious task, and if you don't have a check list, sometimes things are forgotten. Of course all couples are different - my dad is the one that does most of the grocery shopping in my family, but ladies, what I want to know is, do you trust your man to run your errands or do you just do all that stuff yourself?

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You Asked: Raped at a Party

DearSugar — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

When I was 19-years-old, I was raped at a party. Ever since then it's been hard for me to be in relationship or to have sex in general. I don't trust any guys even though most of my friends are male. I recently kissed my best friend and I'm freaking out. I know he likes me, but I don't want to make him go through the horrible relationship pattern I always go through. I tend to break up with a guy I'm seeing many times and then get back together. I'm afraid after that I'll eventually lose him as a friend not to mention the fact that I'm moving 7,000 miles away in two months. I'm very confused, please help.

-Can't Get Close Clara

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Dear Can't Get Close Clara,

I can completely understand that your horrible past experience has made you nervous and apprehensive about being able to open your heart to a man in a relationship. It makes sense that when you like someone and things get too serious, you worry about getting hurt so instinct tells you to pull away - it's your defense mechanism getting the best of you. Have you ever tried talking to a therapist? You understandably have some things you need to work through and a good therapist could help you feel better about getting close to someone without feeling the need to push him away.

I think you recognize that you're not emotionally ready to be in a relationship, so I'd focus on deepening your friendship with this guy for now. There's no reason you need to rush into anything serious, especially since you're planning on moving away. As you become closer friends with this man, you'll feel more comfortable trusting him. If you find that this relationship is really growing in the right direction, then you can decide if you want to turn it into something more romantic. Remember to take things slowly and with time and a few positive experiences, you'll hopefully realize that there are definitely honest guys out there that you can trust.

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You Asked: My Long Distance Boyfriend's Girl Friend

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar --

I have been dating my boyfriend for over four years and I trust him very much. I know he loves me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me. We have been having a long distance relationship for over two years due to work. About 8 months ago he met a girl that he talks to a lot. Later I found out that she was spending the night at his apartment quite often because she was too drunk to drive home. I asked him to not allow this anymore and he hasn't.

My problem is that lately he has been comparing me to her. He also talks to her everyday. They send each other text messages and I feel like she is getting more attention than I am. Should I be jealous, and how do I handle the situation? I do trust my boyfriend, it is her that I do not trust. It also does not help that she lives in the same city as he does and I am thousands of miles away. ~ Long Distance Lolita

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Dear Lolita --

To put it bluntly: Yes, you should be jealous and you should do something about it. Whether or not your boyfriend is cheating physically, he is definitely cheating emotionally. It sounds like he is using his relationship with this other girl to fill a need to be close to someone who is not thousands of miles away. I am not saying this is the right thing for him to be doing, but he is doing it nonetheless.

The good news is that it seems like he is willing to listen to you and adjust his behavior. When you told him to stop letting her spend the night at his apartment, he did. I think it is time for you to now tell him that his relationship with this girl is making you uncomfortable and you want him to end it. If he truly loves you and respects your relationship, he will listen and take action.

If he fights you or seems defensive in any way, it might be time to take a serious look at your long term prospects with this guy. Long distance relationships are hard enough without this added wrinkle. Listen to your gut instinct and ask yourself if this relationship is causing you more stress than happiness. If so, it might be time to cut your losses and move on. Good luck.

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You Asked: His Insecurities Are Tearing Us Up

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has been cheated on a lot in his past. Now that he's with me, he doesn't know how to trust and he's convinced that I'm going to cheat on him, too. He accuses me of being unfaithful anytime I'm with my friends, even though the thought has never even crossed my mind. I've never cheated before and never intend to, but I can't seem to make him believe me. I care for him deeply but I can't take his constant accusations for much longer. What should I do? - I'm Not Trusted Tanya

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Dear I'm Not Trusted Tanya,

Being in a relationship with someone that doesn't trust you is a huge problem. Trust, communication, and honesty are three major components to a healthy, successful relationship, and it sounds like all three of those are lacking here. While I understand that your boyfriend has been hurt in the past, he could quite possibly ruin the great relationship he has with you simply out of fear of history repeating itself.

I'd start off by having a serious talk with him. Explain to him that you're not like the other woman he dated before you, and make him understand how much you care for him. Unfortunately nothing you say will make him change his tune overnight, so try to give him as much positive reinforcement as you can. You might also want to suggest that he sees a therapist who can help him work through his insecurities and fears.

I'm not surprised that his accusations are bringing you down, especially when they have absolutely no merit, so if nothing changes after opening the lines of communication, this relationship just might not be what's best for either one of you right now. It's very clear that he has a lot of trust issues to work through, and though you care for him deeply, you deserve to be with someone who takes your word to heart.

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You Asked: My Husband Doesn't Trust Me!

DearSugar — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

My husband had trust issues in his previous relationship and there was a situation toward the beginning of our relationship. I thought we had gotten past it and we were recently married 7 months ago. A few days ago he looked at my email and is questioning me and thinks I am cheating. I am not doing anything of the sort and he has not spoken to me for 4 days. I don't even know where to begin with him. I'm lost. How do you even start to repair the problem when someone is not even talking to you? Most of all, how do you rebuild trust in a relationship when one of the two has given up ALL hope to rebuild?

--Lost and Helpless

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Dear Lost and Helpless--

It's tough to deal with a present relationship when one person is holding onto something that happened in the past. There's obviously no way you can heal the scars of what your husband experienced with the person he was with before you. Whether he was emotionally hurt, lied to, cheated on, or betrayed, he'll always be thinking in the back of his mind that your relationship could end the same way. At this point, all you can do is focus on getting him to realize that you and your relationship are nothing like what he experienced in his past.

I know he doesn't want to talk to you right now, which makes figuring this all out tough, but give him a little time and room to think. Once he's ready to talk, you can continue to reassure him that you are not cheating on him. Explain that you are in love with him and that you respect him and your relationship immensely. Tell him that you consider the wedding vows you made to one another to be very sacred, and you would never do anything to betray or deceive him.

The fact that he doesn't trust you is going to tear your relationship apart. He should know that if he continues to snoop around, searching for "proof" that you're betraying him, your marriage could quite possibly end in divorce. I would see if he'd be willing to seek couples counseling. Talking to a therapist on his own would also be a good idea so he can get past the idea that he can't trust anyone. Good luck!

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Have You Ever Dated Someone You Didn't Trust?

DearSugar — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0700

We've seen Audrina struggle in her relationship with Justin all season, but last night's episode of The Hills ended with her finally telling him the truth - that she doesn't trust him. Sure, she was topless and talking about future plans, but she said it nonetheless! You've heard me say that trust is one of the essentials when it comes to a healthy, long-lasting relationship time and time again, so I'm left confused as to why women date men they don't trust - it sounds like a tumultuous uphill battle to me.

Have you ever dated someone you didn't trust? If so, why did you stay in an uncertain relationship?

Photo courtesy of MTV

You Asked: My Boyfriend's Paranoia Is Causing a Rift

DearSugar — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has been cheated on by many past girlfriends, which has caused him to build up major walls. Now that he's with me, I can tell he's proceeding with caution, but the thing is, I've never cheated on anyone in my life and don't intend on starting to do so now. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart but his insecurity is starting to cause a huge rift in our relationship. His constant doubt is weighing on me and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. What should I do? - Sick of It Samantha

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Dear Sick of It Samantha,

I don't blame you for being fed up with your boyfriend's self-conscious ways, but since he's so fearful of the worst case scenario, it's important for you to approach him tenderly so he doesn't feel attacked or blindsided. The walls that he's built are purely up for protection, and unfortunately the only way to break them down is to build up the trust between you two. I'm not sure how long you've been together, but truly trusting someone else with your heart doesn't happen overnight; it can take months, even years for some people.

You both have to be happy in this relationship so a talk is definitely in order. Preface it by telling him how much you love him, how you'd never do anything to purposely hurt him in anyway, but you also need to let him know how his actions are making you feel. He needs to understand that it's not fair to treat you like you've done something wrong when you haven't. Keep the lines of communication as open as possible and hopefully in time, he'll learn that you are the woman in his life that he actually can trust. Good luck.

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You Asked: Can I Move on From This Deception?

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. He is an amazing boyfriend; in fact, I've never dated a guy like this before. About six months into our relationship, his ex became a problem. She called him constantly, along with text messages and emails. I had no problem with it in the beginning, because she's never been a threat to me, until I found out that he hadn't even told her about me! Instead, he was telling her he missed her, and on a couple of occasions, he even saw her.

I honestly felt bad for this girl because it was clear that he was stringing both of us along - I knew it wasn't solely her fault. When I confronted him, he claimed that he was over her, but I've lost all trust. He is an amazing guy, but I feel like he's been withholding the truth about our relationship since day one. Can I overcome this? I've never been a jealous person and I don't want to turn into one now, but I have no idea how to conquer this problem. - Deceived Dianna

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Dear Deceived Dianna,

To be completely honest, I'm not sure this deception is worth moving past. Not only did he allow his ex to continue to contact him, but he crossed the line when he told her he missed her while in a relationship with you - that's cheating in my book! When the trust is broken in any relationship, a serious decision has to be made as to whether you can truly forgive and move on. If you hold on to your anger, or if you feel like he's still not being trustworthy, it'll just be a matter of time until your jealousy and doubt creates a rift that can't be fixed.

People make mistakes in relationships all the time, so if you believe that he's truly sorry, over her, and willing to change, give him another shot, but you'll have to be the judge of that. He could be the greatest guy in the world, Dianna, but what's important is how he treats you, and from the sound of it, he hasn't been respecting you or your relationship. Good luck.

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Fiance Lied to Me

DearSugar — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Lied-To Linda need your help. Her long-term boyfriend lied to her about being a virgin, like she is, and now that the truth is out and the trust has been broken, she doesn't know how to proceed. They love each other, but can their relationship survive?

Dear Sugar,

I have been in an amazing relationship for about a year and a half. At the beginning, I was honest with my boyfriend about the fact that I was a virgin, and he responded that he was one too. We ended up taking our relationship to that next stage, and now I find out that he lied to me about his virginity. He told me that his lie was eating him up inside and he loved me too much to continue the facade. My reaction was immediate hurt and disgust. I just couldn't believe this person had been lying to my face for so long! He said that he realizes this is not going be fixed overnight and that trust was broken. We had talked about moving in together, marriage, and kids, but everything has changed now.

I explained to him that when you're in a relationship, you owe it to that person to be honest about everything, including their sexual history. He's completely admitted that he's in the wrong, and he tells me that he loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work, but I'm torn. What if there are other lies out there that I don't know about? Do you think that I am over-analyzing this situation too much? I know that he is hurting as much as I am, but I just don't know how to move past this awkwardness. I know that this can either ruin our relationship or bring us closer as a couple, so any advice would be a tremendous help.

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You Asked: Can I Trust That He's Changed?

DearSugar — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I was with my boyfriend for eight years; we were engaged and owned a house together. Things changed over the years, and he became a very negative and controlling boyfriend - we fought all the time. To make a long story short, I broke off the engagement and moved out. We sold the house and went our separate ways.

This past Summer, after being apart for nearly two years, we reconnected. He promised me that he has changed and that his love for me never went away. After spending some time with him, I can tell that he is in fact a changed man, and I'm really happy to be back in his life. He recently asked me to move back in with him, and after much thought, I agreed.

While I'm excited to be back together, I fear that the controlling and manipulative side of him will come out again. I love him with all my heart, but I just don't want to go through what I did before. I know I need to let go of the past and think positively toward a great future together, but I can't help it! Can a person really stay changed for the better? - Skeptical Sally

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Dear Skeptical Sally,

It sounds like you two really love and care for each other, and if you think he's a changed man, you really have no other option but to trust his word. Being afraid of history repeating itself is a perfectly normal fear, but if you don't take a chance, you'll never know if he did in fact change his ways for the better.

To ease your anxiety, open the lines of communication, talk about your concerns, and get the answers you need to feel secure in this relationship. If you're not ready to live together just yet, see how getting back together works out first and readdress your living situation later on. Trust your instincts on this one, but if his manipulative side does in fact come out again, at least you'll know that you tried. Good luck.

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