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You Asked: I'm in an Unhappy Marriage

DearSugar — Wed, 28 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been married to my husband for 12 years - we are both in our late 30s and have two children together. When we got together, I was in need of someone to help me get my life and habits under control, and he did just that. Although he is a good man and a wonderful father, he's also very controlling, although never violent or abusive. Over the years this has worn on me, and I am just not happy or in love with him anymore.

At a recent outing, I ran into an old classmate. What began as flirtatious and fun has turned into something much more. I am not proud of it, but I will not make any excuses. What I've realized, however, is that outside of our children, my husband and I share absolutely nothing in common. I want to end my marriage, but I'm scared for my kids; they love their dad, and I know this would break their hearts. I do not see marriage counseling as being effective, because the reasons I loved him no longer exist. I just feel very confused. What do I do?

- Ready to Break Free Felicia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Ready to Break Free Felicia,

Although I'm sure you know that having an affair is not the answer to this overwhelming sensation of dissatisfaction, obviously your marriage is no longer meeting your needs and has not been for some time. Needless to say, it sounds like it's time for you to start doing some practical planning in the steps to leave your husband.

First things first, end your affair. Then talk to your lawyer about what a separation and divorce will entail legally and in regards to the custody of your children. Once you have everything planned in your own mind, it's time to break the news to your husband. Obviously this will not be easy, but try to map out what will take place in the coming months. Once the dust has settled, approach your children together.

Although you may not want to consider marriage counseling, I think family therapy will not only help your children, but it'll also help you and your husband better understand how to handle this difficult situation. Remember, your kids are going to be needing you both more than ever, so try your hardest to keep things amicable. Best of luck to you.

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You Asked: Married With Nothing?

DearSugar — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 16:30:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I have NO ONE to turn to about this. I have been married for 4 years. We have had a very tumultuous relationship. Up and down. I am the breadwinner, and I do most of the housework, and we fight a lot. In retrospect I think we got married because we were together for sooo long. He has a problem with lying; he's stolen money from me and has been verbally abusive. I know that all sounds bad, but that is not why I am writing.

Since being married, I have lost weight. I started losing for the wedding, and just kept going. I am not THIN but not fat -- average, size 10. Well, of course I am feeling more confident that I deserve better than my husband. At some point he realized I was about to leave, so he really stepped up and has been a great guy for the past few months. But here is the advice part: we have been trying to conceive and for the past few times he has not been able to perform. He agrees he must have erectile dysfunction. I am just torn; I mean what do I do?

To top it all off, I am feeling all confident and hot and getting hit on left and right, actually giving one guy my cell number. I just am feeling so lost right now. Do I stay with him even if he has no job (he is unemployed) just because I am married and that is what you do? Or do I leave him and risk not meeting anyone and being alone, but I am pretty sure I could meet someone -- I feel pretty confident about that. If he can't provide for me financially or provide a child for me, why should I stay? does that make me a b***h? I am so freaking lost I don't know what to do! ~ Conflicted Carrie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Conflicted Carrie --

You've asked me for my advice, so fasten your seatbelt, hon. First, please stop trying to have a child. For the sake of everyone's future happiness, wait until you know more about yourself and more about your priorities.

From what you've written, I don't think you want to be married. I know there have been many problems, but you don't seem that concerned about the problems. It seems to me you want a different life from the one you have and with a different person than the one you have. If there's nothing to keep you with your husband except a little worry that you might not find someone else, then I feel pretty confident suggesting the marriage isn't long for this world anyway.

Don't make each other unhappy because you can't find the personal courage to make a decision or take a risk. People make mistakes. Personally, I don't think we should pay for our mistakes an entire lifetime -- or even for the few more years that will feel like a lifetime. And I certainly don't believe a child ought to be knowingly conceived in the midst of such confusion, chaos, and personal strife.

I say forget about being a b***h, Carrie. Be responsible, take your chances with a new life, learn a few things, and live with the consequences. That's pretty much what we all have to do. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: I Want a Divorce

DearSugar — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I want out of my marriage so badly that I can hardly stand the idea of another moment in it. We tried counseling a few years ago, but the fact is I don't love my husband anymore, period. We have two young boys, and to be honest, I'm only in this now for them. I don't want to live like this anymore, but I don't know how to tell him that I want to leave. I feel guilty because he has no family to turn to, and if I leave him he will threaten to take our car. I know it's petty, but all I really have is our new car. At the same time, I don't want to leave him with nothing. How can I get out?

- Miserable Maggie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear Miserable Maggie,

It sounds like you've truly hit your limit and need to deal with the situation quickly however, don't let your emotions get the best of you during this difficult time. Think rationally and plan ahead. Your concerns about the car lead me to believe that you don't have many resources once you leave. Make plans with family or friends and ask to stay with them for a while. Perhaps they can help you find a job and help care for your boys when they're not in school. One thing to remember is that if you can't come up with your own custody agreement for the children, the court will have to do so for you, so start considering how to work that out.

Once you've worked through some of these kinks internally, then broach the issue with your husband. Unfortunately there's no way to make this discussion easy except to be kind and honest. Tell him that you're not happy anymore and that you want a separation. Be clear that the children's happiness is the most important thing and hopefully you'll be able to work together to make this an easy transition. It's going to be very difficult for a while, but both you and your husband will make it through. Good luck.

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You Asked: How Do I Tell Him I Don't Love Him Anymore?

DearSugar — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for almost five years now. I had my son when I was 18, and then got married the next year at 19. My husband and I have had our fair share of ups and downs; there have been several things in the past that he has done that have hurt me very badly. He used to have an anger-management problem and would yell at me very aggressively - he even locked me outside of our house a couple times when we would get in intense arguments.

In the last year we separated twice, but we always wound up making up however I've never truly forgiven him. I don't love him anymore, and I have no desire to kiss him, let alone sleep next to him. I fake it every day and try so hard to get my heart back into our marriage, but I just don't feel it anymore. I want to tell him how I have been feeling, but I am fearful that he will get angry and this will all backfire on me.

I don't want to be married to him anymore. I am 24 years old, and I just want to experience some of life on my own - with my son, of course. I want to divorce, but I need it to be as peaceful as possible, so that we can both be parents to our son. How do I approach him and tell him how I'm feeling?

-Time to Move On Mandy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Time to Move On Mandy,

Obviously you and your husband are not without your issues, but it sounds like you've tried to work through them to no avail. I'm glad to hear that you have your son's best interests at heart in regards to a divorce, but with your husband's history of anger and irrational behavior, I think you need to be extra cautious when you approach him about your feelings.

I wouldn't broach the subject until you're absolutely sure about your desire to divorce him, in other words, don't use this as an ultimatum. If you just tell him that you're no longer in love with him, he's likely to act out in rage unless you promise to stay, and you want to be able to stay in control. If you decide that you want to try to make it work for some time longer then I think that you and your husband need to see a family therapist together ASAP.

I wouldn't normally suggest this, but since your husband has shown such hostile behavior before, I'd consider having this conversation in a public place (without your son) so that he can't overreact like he might in the comfort of his own home. I would also use this initial conversation as an opportunity to address your feelings and make sure he understands that you're very serious about leaving. Once you've gotten that out of the way, you can have a follow-up conversation at a later time about the details of the divorce and your son. And make sure to prepare yourself for the worst by lining up a place for you and your son to stay while you can get on your feet. Best of luck to you.

Source

Bruce and Emma Are Loved Up and Stripped Down in W

PopSugar — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 15:30:48 -0700

Bruce Willis and his wife Emma Heming brought their steamy newlywed bliss to the pages of W. The couple struck a few intimate poses for the magazine, with Bruce shirtless and clad in just underwear - check out all the risque photos here. He opened up a little about the love he has for Emma that changed his opinion on marriage, as well as his family and their unique bond. He said:

On changing his mind on marriage: "I went from 'F-ck love' to 'Love is truly the answer.' . . . I spent the last 10 years single and, for the most part, unhappy. In a dark place. I never thought that being with someone else was the answer. I would say, 'I’m alone, but I'm not lonely.' But I was just kidding myself. Then I started hanging around Emma, and on a day-to-day basis my life became much happier."
On his new priorities: "Where my first priority used to be work, it’s now my personal life. I hear so many people in relationships say, 'I just need a couple of days away, or even an hour away.' But I don’t want to be away from Emma at all. It’s the most singular relationship I’ve ever had in my life."
On Demi and their family: "We’ve become like a tribe. It’s generated a lot of interest because everyone can understand resentment and envy in the breakup of a marriage, but they don’t understand how I can get along with my ex like that. Demi and I made a choice to put the kids first, and we’re really lucky that it turns out we all have fun together. I still love her, and I have a lot of respect for how she lives her life."

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Stranger Than Fiction: Pair Marries, Wants Divorce Same Day

TresSugar — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 15:00:00 -0700

What makes this story even stranger for me is that as I read it, I was reminded that I had a dream last night that I got married and immediately regretted it! Perhaps I was having sympathy pangs for the following Polish couple living in Hanover, Germany.

Right after they tied the knot, the 50-year-old groom told his 34-year-old bride that he wanted the marriage annulled and never wanted to see her again. She agreed. (Hmmm. They seem to agree on the fundamentals - if only they'd stuck it out a little longer! You know, like maybe an hour longer.)

Think this is bizarre? It gets weirder. After their civil ceremony, things got pretty uncivil. The unhappy couple began fighting, during which time the disgruntled groom tried to cut his new bride's hair with a kitchen knife. (Which he just happened to be carrying? On the day of his wedding? I'm so confused.)

She called the cops, got a restraining order, and he spent the night in a homeless shelter. Even my dream last night was less baffling than this.

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Joe Cole and Carly Zucker Share Wedding Secrets and Photos

PopSugarUK — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 23:00:00 -0700

Joe Cole and Carly Zucker shared their wedding pictures and stories from the big day with Hello! magazine. The couple got married at Royal Hospital Chelsea at the weekend in front of family, friends and Joe's fellow footballers John Terry, Michael Carrick and Wayne Bridge. Carly shook off her Australian jungle style in favour of an Oscar de la Renta dress, and told Hello! how she influenced Joe's choice of a longer hairstyle! Here are the highlights:

Joe on his hair for the wedding: "I like it really short myself, so after the wedding I will be having my head shaved."
Joe on the location of the ceremony: "I play for Chelsea, we live in Chelsea – so it made sense to get married here."
Joe on what's important to him: "Marriage is important, children and family they are the main things in life. All I am interested in is being a good husband, a good son, a good friend and a good father one day."
Carly on being a WAG: "I am offered projects all the time, but I don’t feel I need to prove anything, or that I need a career to feel good about myself. I tried it before with the personal training as well as running the house, and it just made me stressed and unhappy. It wasn’t good for me and it wasn’t good for Joe and his football. I am lucky enough to be in a position where I don’t have to work."

To find out what the couple had to say about their wedding rings and the ceremony, read more.

Joe on Carly: "I have always said Carly is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, but even I was surprised by how unbelievably stunning she looked. She was more beautiful than I have ever seen her."
Carly on giggling during the ceremony: "I am not a very serious person and it all felt a bit out of character."
Joe on his wedding ring: "I don’t generally wear jewellery so I wanted a ring that would mean something, so I have had my Nan’s plain gold wedding band altered to fit my finger. My Nan Pat died about four years ago of cancer. I was incredibly close to her and she lived with us after my granddad died. She loved football and was a great motivation to me – as was all my family. She saw me play for England but I wish she had been around for the last five years when I have been at the top of my game. It will mean a lot to have her wedding ring on my finger when I am getting married."

It sounds like Joe and Carly had a magical day, and I'm sure their honeymoon will live up to other WAGs' special holidays. Read the full interview in Hello! out today.

What Will Be the Announcement on Jon and Kate Plus 8?

LilSugar — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 17:09:17 -0700

After 10 years of marriage and portions of their life being aired on television and made into tabloid headlines, our favorite TLC family is said to be making a major announcement in Monday's hourlong episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8. While there's speculation that the couple will announce a separation or impending divorce, even many of us viewers who once held out hope are at a loss as to what may happen. Jon was recently spotted checking out a pricey apartment in New York's Trump Tower.

Whether or not the 32-year-old daddy is shopping for a bachelor pad, his unhappiness has been evident in both last season's finale and in this season's episodes, particularly last week on American Chopper when Jon made a comment about OCC's black widow bike being fitting for Kate. It seemed like the married man who always appeared to have a weakness for his type A wife had distanced himself entirely. Meanwhile, cameras continued to roll on the other nine Gosselins, making us think that maybe the big news is that the father is leaving the show. Watching this clip, it's impossible not to feel for Jon, Kate, and their children as they enter the next phase of their lives in the public eye. What do think the announcement will be?

Some Mothers Look Like Their Daughters Naturally . . .

TresSugar — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 07:00:00 -0700

And others will pay for the privilege.

This is straight up twinsanity! "Love you like a sister" is a sweet sentiment unless you're 50 years old and spend 10,000 British pounds (about $15,000) to look like your 28-year-old daughter. But that's just what Janet Cunliffe did to look like her daughter Jane.

In her 30s, Janet became unhappy with her breasts, which she thought were too small and saggy. She got plastic surgery in the hopes she could save her ailing marriage, but alas, she and her husband divorced. By 40, she moved to Spain and met someone new, but between ruptured implants, followed by even bigger breast implants, her post-marriage relationship ended. Once she moved back to England to live with her daughter, she began despairing about her age. This led to a punishing round of dieting, plastic surgery on her nose, eyes, and lips, and of course, hair extensions.

Now that people think Janet and Jane are sisters - and sometimes even twins - Janet claims she's happy. "It's not a competition," she argues. "This has always been about my own confidence and self-esteem. I haven't done this to get a man, I'm happy spending time with my daughter and reliving my youth, thanks to my new look."

Socializing with friends her own age, starting a new hobby, and meeting new people (activities to cultivate her inner self) didn't help her - but plastic surgery did? Wow. If this is progress - count me out. Click here to read more about Janet, Jane, and "Operation Overhaul."

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You Asked: I've Fallen Out of Love With My Husband

DearSugar — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am 37 yrs old, have been married for 15 years and have two children with my husband. My problem is that I haven't been in love with him for years. I have told him that we need to divorce - I left him for a year, but came back due to financial reasons - but he keeps telling me that he loves me and begs me not to leave him. He thinks we can work it out, but I have tried, and faking it is just not working for me anymore. He's a great guy, but I'm absolutely miserable right now.

I know this has been hard on our kids and part of me wants to stay for their sake, but the other part of me desires passion and love again - I want more out of life and I feel like it's passing me by. What should I do? - Wanting to Leave Laura

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Wanting to Leave Laura,

I feel for you that you're struggling in an unhappy marriage right now, but you're right, if you don't make a move here, your life will pass you by. It's a common desire to want to stay for the kids' sake, but remember, you'd only be doing them a disservice - you can't give them what they need if you're unhappy in your own life.

While I'm all for trying to work it out before calling it quits, it sounds as though you've already mentally checked out of your marriage. If couples counseling isn't an option for you, and if you really feel that divorce is the only course of action, I think you should follow your instincts sooner rather than later.

I'm not surprised that faking your happiness isn't working for you anymore so do what you need to do to be truly happy again. This won't be an easy process, but after everything is said and done, I have faith that you'll feel good about the decision you made. Good luck.

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