If you've been patted down by a friendly TSA agent, you can check in to any airport and include the words "TSA," "grope," or "Don't touch my junk, bro!" in your shout-out, and you'll be bestowed with the Baggage Handler. The best part is the message you'll receive upon unlock: "Looks like you've had your baggage handled. Happy Holidays and have a safe flight!"
Safe flight, indeed.