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trying to gain "control" back in relationship

trying to gain "control" back in relationship

Okay, before you think im some kind of control freak, read this first. i am not trying to control my bf or our relationship, i am more trying to gain control of situations, and myself and my emotions to be honest. 

heres the background, we've been friends for 8 years, and have been together for about 1.5. he is kind, funny, stable and has a wonderful family. we are very in love. blah blah blah.

my problem is that i seem to have no "control" in the relationship. i feel that he "makes all the rules" and dictates what we will do. he is NOT a control freak, but it just seems that everything goes his way and that i really dont have a say in anything. he always asks for input from me, but i really dont care what we do most of the time just as long as im with him.  i dont really have too many friends (okay, i have like 1 or 2) since i am so busy with work and grad school. i also have trust issues with people, but thats a a different situation. i just feel that he always says when we can hang out and i take a "back seat" to his friends. i am so happy that he is getting his own place becuase 1) its a good 15min drive from his group friends and they are lazy as hell and definitely wont drive to his place all the time 2) he will see what its like to just sitting around by himself instead of having roommates around all the time and see why i get bored by myself and ask him to hang out with me during the week. 

here is the most recent example. i asked him to go with me to a store yesterday to return an item because i didnt want to go by myself at night. he said he would, but after work he was tired and said he didnt want to go. so, i was like okay, fine. tuesdays are his "boys nights" and he has made it very clear that he will NOT hang out with me on tuesday nights. but, since he is moving into his new apt, he said he would like me to spend the night with him at his new place, but only if he stays there, otherwise, its back to being a boys night. so,again its on his terms. "oh i would love for you to stay with me for my first night at the new apt...but only if i stay otherwise im gonna get pizza with the guys" i i just feel like when i ask him to do something with me he will say no to me and expects it to be okay with me, and thinks im crazy if i get upset. i tried to explain to him that he is disappointing me and that any woman would feel that way. then he told me that he knows i dont have alot of friends so if im not with him im problably just sitting around and he has friends that  call him every night to hang out (told him that was mean and he apolgized) so of course i can always make plans with him but he is not available as much because he has alot of friends. 
ugh. this makes him sound so mean, which hes not, but i just want control of the realtionship more. i want to say no to him, i just cant. like i know if he moves in tonight i am going to say yes of course i will come sleep over because i want to and he wants to give me a key to his apt. but part of me feels that i should just keep saying no to him. so that he gets the hint. we usually spend all weekend together, but during the week even if im tired and he says "hey lets have dinner" i go anyways. i just want to be able to say no to him and have him stop thinking that i am always free. part of me feels that i should pull away, or next time he asks me to do something during the week, say i have plans with a friend, my mom, something (even if i dont) just so that he gets it. im not trying to be spiteful. i just dont want to make myself as available as i always have been. if he needs "space" then ill give it to him. i really do wish i had more friends to hang out with, but its just hard to make friends when you are almost 30 and are very busy. im sure people can understand that. how can i gain more control of this relationship, and start taking the reigns back on my own life?

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henna-red henna-red 3 years
This issue is about you getting a backbone, and speaking up for yourself. You say can't say no. That's bullshit. You can say no, but you choose not to because you're afraid of the consequences. If your answer to some situation needs to be no, because it's something you don't want to do, then say no. Back yourself up and stop make excuses for why you can't. This is all a choice on your part. If you want more say in the structure of your relationship, then you are going to have to stand up, and invest your interest actively, not just passively.....leaving all decisions up to him. Your behavior is the only thing you can control in your life....your actions and your reactions to things. It's your choice to be an active or passive participant in your own life, and in your relationships. If you don't like the behaviors you're using now, it's time to use new behaviors. This can mean working on your sense of self confidence and self esteem. You don't seem to respect yourself and your desires enough to stand up for what you want or even to say no to what you don't how can you expect anyone else, including your boyfriend, to respect your choices? The one person who always needs to stand up for you, is you. You have to set the standard, you have to be the template for how other people treat you...and if you can't do that you can't expect anyone else to do it for you. In order to do that, you have to work on your self have to believe in yourself and to demonstrate that belief with your actions. Instead of playing some "hard to get" game, why don't you actually work on filling your life with the kind of interactions with people that you want to be having? If you don't want to be as available, then don't don't need some bogus excuse to spend time with yourself, or to not spend time with him. Those kinds of games always backfire on you..they're dishonest. You say you're really busy, and you don't have time to make friends....I think that's another excuse to cover your fear of putting yourself out into social situations that threaten you with rejection. It's that fear of saying no.....except that you're afraid of someone else saying "no thanks" you and an offer of friendship. Again....I think this comes back to a lack of self value, self esteem and self confidence. Maybe look into some self help books, or even classes for self actualization. There's all kinds of stuff out there designed to help people build themselves up, to believe in themselves. Do some homework around that. good luck to you

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