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Awkward! Boyfriend Wants Her to Chip in For Wedding Present For People She Doesn't Know

Awkward! Boyfriend Wants Her to Chip in For Wedding Present For People She Doesn't Know

Thanks to a reader with an issue (sorry, reader!), we have an awkward scenario for you that she needs you to weigh in on.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. I've met his family, I know his friends and have become friends with many/most of them as well, and things are really going well with us. One of his friends who I have not met is getting married at the end of the month. The bride and groom are both friends of his from college, and I am close with other people who will be attending this wedding. We do not live together, and I am his "plus guest."

A week ago, he mentioned to me what gift he picked out from the couples' registry and asked my opinion. I approved and he said something to the effect of, "Great, it was just about $200 so you can just give me $50 for it since you don't really know them." I brushed it off at the time, but it's been irking me more and more as time goes on. These are not people I know, these are not friends of mine, and if her family were not generous enough to offer to invite a guest, I would not even be going to this event.

It is not about the money (I am happy to spend $50 towards a wedding present), but am I in the wrong for bristling at this assumption of his?

Have you been in this awkward situation? Has a boyfriend asked you to pay for something in such a way that put you off? How did you deal with it?

Image Source: Getty
Join The Conversation
TidalWave TidalWave 7 years
I don't see the issue.
dorkotron dorkotron 7 years
his asking was rather presumptuous. like you said, you don't live together, so i'm guessing that most of your financial transactions like paying bills and buying groceries are separate. if your money was already being spent in a pooled way, this wouldn't even be an issue. he really should have asked and not assumed, and you should definitely talk to him about it whether or not you pay for the gift. but should you pay? the couple truly invited him, not you. even if your name is on the card, the thank-you note will really just be addressed to him, not you. if you break up, no matter what the card says, the gift will be considered to be from him, not you. only if this couple gets to know you two as a really serious couple (like living together for several years or getting married) will there be a shift in the thinking of the gift being from the two of you as a couple rather than just being from him. after all, they didn't invite a couple, just their friend and whoever he wanted to bring. so in the end, giving your boyfriend $50 is really just that: a gift to him, not the couple. if i were in your shoes, i would have a talk with my boyfriend about it to tell him why i don't think he should expect me to pay for the gift. if i wanted to do something for the couple, i'd get them a card and maybe a small gift just from me.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
So annoying. He should ask politely, not assume. But try not to boil over on a $50 deal breaker. I guess I would just have to have a nice open chat about it. A nice loud open chat. Say your peace. Then tactfully chip in what you can, maybe $30.
sparklepants sparklepants 7 years
oh, and if your BF regularly does disrespectful/rude things like this, i'd take another look at the relationship...
sparklepants sparklepants 7 years
i don't understand why people are comparing a +1 wedding invite and a dinner party gift the same. they are not. if you're invited to a dinner party even if you don't know the people yet, you will after being invited to their home. they presumably invited you by name. a wedding invitation as a +1 is hardly similar. as his +1, her bf could have brougth anyone. if she didn't exist and he brougth another girl who was equally unfamiliar with the couple, would everyone expect that date to pay for the gift? i doubt it. brides need to forget "etiquette" in situations like this and just include the SO on the invite. i've never heard of anyone being offended by being included, only discluded. i personally think the bride and groom are the rude ones here. they obviously know about her. so what if they're not living together/engaged/married. those designations really mean nothing these days. this has happened to me before and i was so offended, something that doesn't happen often. the difference was i knew the bride and groom, went on spring break with the bride, and even looked at magazines and had several wedding discussions with her. well all hung out together all through college. my bf was even the best man and he got the wedding invite and i was the +1. they said it was etiquette. i never got an invite so they never got a gift. i wouldn't even sign the card from my bf. i only went b/c my bf begged me to since he was best man and really wanted a date. i don't know why it mattered to him since he abandoned me the whole night anyhow. anyway, since you can't say anything to the couple, you need to decide if this is worth the argument with your bf. i suspect it isn't, but i understand your frustration. no invite, no gift is my strict policy.
ali321 ali321 7 years
I guess it would bother me a bit if he didn't discuss the amount of the gift first. I would be okay chipping in even if I didn't know them even though I probably wouldn't expect them to pay if the situation was reversed. Basically I think I would be slightly annoyed and would probably mention it, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I don't think it's worth a fight. Just let him know what you would prefer him to do next time.
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
Like you said, the money and having a gift for the couple isn't the point. I agree that your bf was very rude. If my bf had just assumed I was going to help pay for the gift I would have been upset too. Whether or not you are ok with paying part of it, your bf should have had the decency to ask you opinion/discuss the issue with you before he just demanded you pay $50 without even wanting your input whatsoever. I mean you didn't even help pick the present out! He just got it and then said you should pay this much for it. Geez. If he does things like this very often, I would be worried. B/c to me that would mean he doesn't respect or care about your opinion. And actually, I recently broke up with my last bf b/c he did things like this ALL the time. I constantly felt disrespected and just like my opinion never mattered. But if this is the first time he's done something like this, then just talk to him. Who knows what he was thinking...or more likely, not thinking until you talk to him about it. Tell him it really upset you and why. Then if it happens again is when I would really be worried. Good luck.
lickety-split lickety-split 7 years
Hate "plus one". So impersonal. She couldn't find out your name after 18 months? By all means chip in. Then take the boyfriend shopping for what you will wear. He can chip in for that :kiss:
brielleblonde brielleblonde 7 years
I'm sorry, but it's 50 bucks.. I'm sure the dinner and drinks will be worth more than that.
michichan michichan 7 years
Oh just be nice and chip in
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years
This is really tough. I say he should have paid for the entire gift, but it's not worth fighting over especially if you say you can afford the $50. It's been a year and a half and you say everything else is good in the relationship so let it slide. Next time talk about financial aspects of a situation before it gets to that point, don't just assume you know what he'll do.
mkls6044 mkls6044 7 years
I agree that it depends on whether your name was on the card. If so, then there isnt as much of a problem with contributing. However, if he is just trying to lighten his load without letting them know it was from you too, then yeah, i wouldnt be too happy. on a side note- its actually not correct etiquette to put "and guest" on a wedding invitation. Supposedly if the bride/groom know their invited guest well enough to let them bring someone, they are supposed to call and find out the "plus one's" name. Yes, I'm from the South ;) and no, I dont plan on doing that at my wedding!! :)
plunkstarbaby plunkstarbaby 7 years
Chloe Bella & Anonymous 1:12 - Awfully judgmental, don't you think? This girl is asking our opinion about a specific situation, not her relationship. Boo.
janeaustenrules janeaustenrules 7 years
After reading all the comments I went back and reread the article. My impression was that it was not the money, it was the assumption that bothered her. I agree with yogaforlife, not everything needs to be a fight and you have to carefully chose what issues you want to make a big deal of (just because you feel something doesn't mean you need to act on it), but chances are if it bothered her enough to write in about it, there may be something deeper than simply the assumption he made in this particular case that is bothering her. And if there is, that should be explored and expressed in a constructive way. And I feel for her on the +1 business (and perhaps her resentment on this may be a big part of the issue). When my now-husband's brother got married the invitation was to him + guest, nowithstanding that we had been together for 5 years and I had attended every family event (including Christmases). We were told it was proper "etiquette." It offended both he and I greatly (and it's been over 11 years and it still burns me every time I think about it) and signified to us a lack of respect for our commitment to each other because our relationship did not fit in the arbitrary category of individuals entitled to have their name on the invitation. My husband/then boyfriend expressed his displeasure about the manner in which the invitation was addressed - if her boyfriend did not, could this be contributing to the way she feels?
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
They're not your friends so who cares?! It's on him, not you. I will iterate, they're not you're friends!
Vanonymous Vanonymous 7 years
If your name is going on the card, you should chip in. It would be one thing if you really were just a "+1", but you're not. You're his long-term girlfriend. I'm pretty sure if he was single and asked a girl from work to go as his date, he wouldn't ask her to pay. It's different rules when you're an actual couple, IMO. And it's not like you're never going to see any of these people again.
medenginer medenginer 7 years
You were invited by him and if he felt like you paying part was an issue he should have addressed it right then with more tact than what he used. I would just pay the $50 and say that next time advanced notice of buying any future presents would be nice so you could buy a gift together if you were going. Buy a card. Sign a thoughtful message so the couple and him see your contribution also. Chivalry isn't dead. I have that with my SO and that's the way he would have handled it.
Zivanod Zivanod 7 years
It would have been nice of your boyfriend to ask instead of expect. At the same time, I think you should chip in since you are attending as well. Just make sure your name is on the present too so they know you as a person instead of just his +1.
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