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Boyfriend Bought Car Instead of Proposing

Group Therapy: Proposal vs. Car

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My bf of 18 months and I are very in love. The problem? Although he has said he wants to marry me, lately he has been making some big purchases. He just bought a new car and has plans to modify it (new stereo headlights, plenty of projects). Anyway, I am feeling hurt because this means he won't be proposing any time soon.

He is very focused and says he doesn't want to get married until all of his "ducks are in a row." I understand his desire to be prepared but life always throws you curveballs and I'm wondering what if "the right time" never comes. We both graduate college this semester. He says he loves being with me and goes out of his way to make time for me, but I still feel that there is only artificial fluff keeping us from being together. He is the love of my life and I can't wait until he is my husband.

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sparklestar sparklestar 7 years
Maybe you just need to accept that he's really not ready to get married yet & he may not ever be. You need to discuss a plan with him if you are both serious about the relationship. It's been 18 months, if he's just in this for the lols then you need to find out now before you waste any more time on him.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
Jackie, I think another way to look at it is, what are his expectations for his future, what are your expectaions for your future, and how much do the two plans overlap?
jackie862 jackie862 7 years
We are having dinner Sunday night so we will have a lot to talk about. I think #1 is I have to discuss my expectations for the future and my hopes instead of letting him steer the realtionship alone.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
Jackie, Yes, he lacks confidence, and that is the key. Yes, you must confront him, but you must do it in a loving, tender supportive way, not in an angry way. Take him by the hand (literally) and tell him these things in a soft, loving voice: “You lack self-confidence. It’s okay, please believe me, it’s okay. I will support you and encourage you as you learn to be more self-confident. I am more than happy to do this. I love you even though you lack self-confidence. “You can do it. I know you can. Let’s work on this together. Let’s see if we can figure out some ways for you to act and feel more self-confident. “And, someday in the future, when I feel down or lacking in self-confidence, I want you to do the same for me.” The cause of this, of course, was that he didn’t receive enough love and attention as a child, and they also gave him a hard time too often. You really need to sit down with him and have a long talk about this. Be supportive and understanding as he starts to open up about these things. Please remember that he has been carrying these burdens around for a long time, and he really does want to talk to you about them. But he is also scared that he will lose you if really levels with you. Tell him that you totally understand this dilemma that he has, and that you will be with him as he works through this dilemma. Tell him that you do not think you are going to dump him if he really reveals all of this to you – it will really help to put him at ease. Jackie, now I will give you the support that you need for yourself, and that you need to give to him. You can do it. I know you can. Hang in there. This is all going to work out for the best for everyone, I am sure of it. And I am with you all the way. Now get out there and tell him the very same thing.
jackie862 jackie862 7 years
tummy- I am not so much thinking marriage now but moving in together (with a commitment from him engagement wise) with marriage potentially next spring or so.
jackie862 jackie862 7 years
Joe, I think you hit the nail on the head. He does lack confidence sometimes (his mom said it has to do w/ his dad and big bro picking on him for being chubby/short when he was younger). When we started dating all he could say was how "out of his league" I was. In all honesty I am the lucky one. He is always 100% honest about his past and what hes doing (I dont check up on him, he volunteers info). He is so sweet and has a good heart. He did need a lot of approval when we first started dating but I think he is getting more confidence as I continue to give him love and support. Joe, are you suggesting I confront him with this now, or continue to see if he keeps growing as a person first?
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
Wow, lots of relationships on this thread where the guy has been given all of the control. Why anyone would wait YEARS for a guy to shit or get off the pot about engagement is beyond me. These guys are manipulative and using stall tactics to keep you girlfriends in their lives. Why the hell would they marry you when you give them everything they need with minimal effort on their part? They get to have the advantage of a wife without any of the real responsibility of being a husband. Unfortunately, it has become a major social and cultural change over the last 30 years or so that we women have allowed men to stay boys for longer and longer periods of time. When will they ever grow up and become men, if women keep their expectations of them so low? Are we so desperate for love that we put up with their Peter Pan behavior for infinite periods of time? OP, I think it is too early for you to be thinking about marriage. As for the others, well, how long you wait for that ring is your business, but if you want children, time waits for no one. Sorry, but it's true.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
"So when are we getting married, sometime this summer?" Wow, that is a classic. He needs to have the guts to get down on one knee. You have to tell him that. He also probably has an easily-bruised ego and you have to tell him that too. You also need to be encouraging and supportive, not hostile or critical as the two of you sit down and discuss all of his personality weaknesses. Show him that it is okay for him to admit his weakness issues to you and that you will help him with his weakness issues.
jackie862 jackie862 7 years
lol, I would laugh so hard thinking somewhere, out there, is my bf's clone!!! :P I know what you mean. In Dec. we were cuddling and he said "so when are we getting married, sometime this summer?" A little later he said he was hoping I would "say "yes" sometime in 2010". These little comments just make it worse. I want to scream "If you want to get married JUST ASK. I WILL SAY YES. I know a year and a half isnt a long time to date before getting engaged but he makes it seem so much longer when the whole time he says at any second he will propose but then changes his mind and says we should wait. Perhaps I need to tell him to stop bringing it up until he is 100% sure absolutely serious that he wants to get engaged right then. Otherwise he is just playing w/ my heart which isnt nice.
danakscully64 danakscully64 7 years
Are we dating twins? :P My guy has discussed marriage MANY times over the last few years with me. I have text messages saved from 3 years ago saying things like "What kind of ring do you want? I absolutely want to get engaged." One from last year saying marriage sounds wonderful. He flip flops.. wants to, doesn't want to, wants to, doesn't want to. We're just dating indecisive people. He flip flopped with his career choice too, so I don't take it too personally. I think backing off just a bit would be nice. Even for you, no need to rush into marriage. If you know he's the one, enjoy your last few years single (legally, I mean). Getting married gives you lots more obligations and responsibilities. Girl, rant away. I completely understand :)
jackie862 jackie862 7 years
danakscully-It is nice to know that there are other people dealing w/ the same issues. I am somewhat bothered by the fact he has been "dangling" the proposal since December but then if I ask in seriousness he says we should wait. He flips between saying "we should go look at rings" to "lets wait another two years". I just feel so lost since he sends mixed messages. His friends say we are as good as married and he occassionally refers to me as "his wife". I think I might back off a little, pursue my own interests and have more time w/ friends. He takes it for granted that I will be with him every weekend and continue to "play house." Most of his friends are married/having their first kids so its not like he has to leave bachelor buddies behind. Sorry for writing so much but I felt the need to rant a little. I hate the thought of being the eternal gf who waits and waits.
danakscully64 danakscully64 7 years
What you're saying is exactly how I've felt for a very long time. Basically he has the wife without the commitment, all the perks and none of the hard stuff (now that we're living together, it's not that way .. it's just wife without the paper, we get less money from the government-he's military, and I have no medical insurance). Even the last paragraph... exactly me. I think the best you can do is let him know what you want and in what time frame. You have to be realistic and take into consideration that you've only been dating 18 months. You can tell him "I see myself getting married within the next 2 years, are those your dreams and expectations too?" Get on the same page. Find out where you both stand with finances, investments, where you want to live in the future, if you want kids, important issues like that. I'm sure you've done it in passing, but it wouldn't hurt to go into detail. So many couples fight over finances. You also have women who want kids, but their husbands don't. The person gets into the relationship knowing this, but expecting things to change. Figure out why you want to get married, if you're doing it for the right reasons. I've been with my guy for more than 5 years and I still don't think I know him fully. Even though we spent every waking moment together before moving in, I learned more things about him when we got an apartment together (in a different state too. We were together for more than 4 1/2 years at that point). I don't think living together before getting married is a bad idea, but it can definitely make him drag his feet more if you go in without a ring (I don't think 18 months into a relationship is him dragging his feet though). If I had to do it over again, I don't know if I would have moved in without the proposal first. It was a different situation though, he was moving out of state and I didn't want a long distance relationship, he wasn't "ready" to propose (he wanted to sort things out with a counselor). It's hard to type up these messages because I don't want to give you bad advice. I don't necessarily think what I've done is wrong for the situations I've been in, but I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction. I just don't want you to have to struggle with what I've been through :( I've been waiting a good 3 years for my proposal.
Yesi-Jukebox Yesi-Jukebox 7 years
Why are you in such a rush to get married?? You are in love with each other right? So you can wait to get married, he aint going nowhere. What you need to do is get him to start budgeting his money and saving it for your future and don't feel sad that he can't propose yet, you need to be there by his side and be supportive so he can continue to see you in his future.
jackie862 jackie862 7 years
Thanks danakscully. My bf is great and I love him but I cant help feeling he is dragging his feet just because he can. He actually went to community college for a bit so he is turning 25 this summer and I will be 23 in August. I have been thinking about telling him I want to continue to go on dates but perhaps not spend the weekend over. I think part of the problem may be that he has me as a "weekend wife" so there is not much incentive to propose when he gets to live the bachelor lifestyle during the week then have the commitment of a live-in gf fri-sun. I dont want to push him to do something he isnt ready for but my feelings should count too and I dont want to put up with dawdling for years.
danakscully64 danakscully64 7 years
Nevaeh: "wait until he's proven that he's a 'man' (how he behaves after he's out in the 'real world,' be responsible for his finances and life--should play a huge role in deciding if he's the right guy for you). " YES! Especially since people change so much in their 20's too. Getting married too soon and too young can be risky. My guy and I have grown together, but we're absolutely different than we were when we met 5 years ago.
danakscully64 danakscully64 7 years
Jackie - You need to stick to your guns. I said the same thing... I wouldn't move in without an engagement ring. I did, almost 8 months ago. Part of me wonders if my guy has been doing the same thing for more than 5 years (taking his time because he knows I'll wait). I pretty much have told him (this week) that he has to make up his mind now. Don't let him have that much control. Continue living your life, don't let him drag you along. You can still be a couple, but don't let him hold you back. I'm not saying give him an ultimatum at all, just give it time, see how it goes, but don't dwell on it. As others have said, you can't force him to be ready. Guys don't mature as fast as women. I've been ready to get married since I was 21 (I'm almost 24 now), my guy is just now getting to that point at 25. Maybe he really just isn't ready, not holding this over your head.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
I'm with the crowd who posted who posted, at least wait until he's proven that he's a 'man' (how he behaves after he's out in the 'real world,' be responsible for his finances and life--should play a huge role in deciding if he's the right guy for you). But I digress. Also, just because he bought a new car, it didn't mean a thing. He could've gotten you an engagement ring already (he can either buy it himself or gets a vintage one from mom--family tradition/heirloom thing). And now he's just waiting for the right moment to propose. And Exchequette is quite right, you can also ask him to marry you. I mean, it can happen (i.e. Miranda's character on SATC)...Good luck.
jackie862 jackie862 7 years
Hey guys, Im the original poster. I was a little frustrated when I wrote this. This is his second car (he already has a daily driver). He lives off campus in a house so I have been staying over on the weekends since August. I dont mind spending the weekends over there but I dont want to move in without more of a commitment (ring). He has said that "You (meaning me) won't say no if I (he) proposes." I feel like in a way he is using this to control the relationship. He knows I love him and he feels like he can sit back and "coast" for as long as he likes b/c he knows I love him and will wait.
flyowsley flyowsley 7 years
Please, you guys have not even dated for two years yet. I think you can start bitching once you've hit the eight year mark like my boyfriend and I.
imLissy imLissy 7 years
wait another year. You might be ready, but he obviously isn't and you can't expect him to be. You're young, there's no need to rush. I knew my bf for about 18 months when I was graduating college. We moved in together and then got engaged a year and a half later and now we're married. Still feels a little rushed to me. I can't imagine if I had gotten married earlier. Wouldn't have been enough time to settle into post-college life.
MissSushi MissSushi 7 years
I agree with waiting for a bit. Focus just on your relationship and being with him, and making a few more steps. As long as it isn't against your beliefs, move in with him, and start feeling that out. Moving in with someone is a really huge step, and you can start getting used to each others quirks.
weffie weffie 7 years
I don't understand the hurry either. You hardly know someone after 18 months, at least compared to how well you'll get to know them over the next few years and then throughout your married life. But he could just be trying to throw you off the trail so he can surprise you... A few months ago, my sister was teasing my little bro and his gf about when they were gonna get married. His gf said "you can't get married without a ring!" and then referred to how he'd just bought a new guitar that morning so she wasn't holding her breath. He proposed less than a month later :)
ShaynaLeah ShaynaLeah 7 years
Sounds like he's using his behavior to say "whoa, not ready" - and do you want to marry someone who isn't 100% sure they want to get married? Answer, no - who wants to up the odds of failure before you even get started? And you haven't even started your adult life yet - Wait until you're done with college, have a job, are working there and living life post college. Those are the best years because you're done studying, and your evenings are your own... Take it slow - if it's meant to be, it will be (and yes I know how annoying a phrase that is)
danakscully64 danakscully64 7 years
It honestly sounds like he's not ready to be engaged yet. Since you haven't even been together for 2 years, I say no need to rush it. Move in together, get your careers going, see how it goes. :) I can absolutely understand the desire to get engaged and married, I'm with you on that one, but there are some big changes coming up in your life, adjust to those first.
inlove23 inlove23 7 years
I defiantly agree with Pistil, your still young just enjoy life!
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