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Boyfriend Won't Pay For Anything

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Won't Pay For Anything

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hi there,

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a while now, and I find as if I am paying for him a lot, I realized at first he would pay for both our movie tickets and stuff, but now it seems as if he just doesn't want to pay anymore . . . I am confused as to why because I know he has enough money to pay for my coffee or our date sometimes. I usually offer to pay, and I wish I could stop, but I like treating him to things. But I am running out of money fast. He works full-time, and I am a full-time university student living on my own without a job. I have enough money to get by, but there is a real shortage. I am dreading the date where my card gets declined.

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Lenay Lenay 6 years
How are you paying a credit card bill without a job? Is it mommy and daddy's credit you're running through the roof? If so, this is hardly fair to your parents. Plus, if you're going to school (and living and shopping) on your parents money while he's working, this guy might be looking at you with dollar signs in his eyes. People's attitudes towards money don't change overnight. So if you can't afford to keep paying the tab for this leach, then you need to find someone who's less selfish to date.
TurkishPeach TurkishPeach 6 years
My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years now. I feel that it is right and fair that we split the bill. That doesn't mean we don't treat each other out occasionally.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
What a jerk. Really. If you were both college students or both working, then it should be equal, but that's NOT the case here. He's just being cheap and expecting you to pay. He's taking advantage of you, plain and simple.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
Have you talked to him about this? Also, stop inviting him. If you cannot afford to invite him to stuff, you shouldn't. If he you go out, don't offer to pay.
a1stbornunicorn a1stbornunicorn 6 years
Truffy, I feel you. Getting my boyfriend to leave the house is a job in and of itself, though he usually pays when we go out- he has a full-time job and I'm a full-time student, also. My advice is to suggest he pay the next time you go out. A simple "How about you get this one for us this time" will probably do the trick. By saying 'us', he'll realize you've been paying for you both and it's his (long overdue) turn.
truffy truffy 6 years
I completly understand. And it's great to see all the responses affirming that he should pay or it should at least be equal. But if he's anything like my boyfriend, waiting for him to want to take me somewhere would mean never leaving the house! He'll go somewhere if I suggest it/ drag him and of course at that point I end up feeling oblidged to pay. It really sucks. I feel like I need to bribe him to go into the outside world.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
you sound like two very passive people: a boyfriend who is totally comfortable with his girlfriend footing the bill all the time and a girl who would rather max out her credit card than not offer to pay. I don't mean to be mean, but this is a character flaw that could get you into some real trouble later in life. It's so unhealthy to give give give until you have nothing left, and this behavior will also attract the wrong type of man: one who looks for girls to use. I suggest you start to correct this behavior immediately. When you feel like doing something nice, like let's say buying dinner, ask yourself 1) when was the last time he did this for me? 2) when was the last time I did this for him?" A healthy relationship should look more like a ping pong match than a driving range, with nice deeds being passed back and forth rather than tossed in one direction all the time. Don't let yourself be a doormat!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
You say you can't stop paying for him because you like treating him to stuff. That sounds a little out of control. You know it's not financially responsible, but you feel compelled to anyway? You're gonna mess up lots of areas in your life, not just your relationships, at that rate. I'm sure he isn't appreciating your generosity as much as you think he should, anyway. There are other nice things you can do for him that have nothing to do with money. Ask him what he'd prefer. You'll be surprised.
GregS GregS 6 years
Hang on a sec! I don't really care who pays for the entertainments; guy or gal. HE'S the one with the job. You're a student. He pays. Period. If the roles were reversed I would expect you to pay.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
Totally agree with the first post 100%. There's something very wrong with a man who is comfortable with a woman paying for everything. Very wrong. No matter how pc we are now about this whole gender equality thing men are not comfortable with allowing a woman to take them out all the time. At least the ones who are actually men aren't. This guy's a boy.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
Yes, the alternative is to stop paying for everything. He's either using you or clueless. I don't know any decent guys who would let the girl pay for everything, even if she always insisted.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 6 years
sarah_bellum wrote exactly what I think a lot of the times I read posts in group therapy, lol!! I think people should post here only when they first tried to talk about the issue with the concerned people. Because that is the first advice people usually give, just talk about it and be assertive.
missmaryb missmaryb 6 years
Sorry! The first post never showed up so I retyped something similar and hit post again. And there was the first one. Oops!
missmaryb missmaryb 6 years
I'm not old fashioned in that I think the guy should pay all the time (though I think he should when you're first dating, until you are exclusive), but if he makes the money and knows you don't have it, he should be paying. It's fine to pay for something little once in awhile (a coffee, a beer if you're of drinking age) but he should be doing the bulk of the paying. I do think you're being taken advantage of and the only way to address it is to talk to him.
missmaryb missmaryb 6 years
I'm not old fashioned in that I think the guy should always pay (though he should when you first start dating), but if he has lots more money than you then he should be smart enough to realize he should pay. You are being taken advantage of and the only way to fix it would be to talk to him.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
OP, Sit him down and talk to him directly. Tell him that things are tight you for financially right now, and that you think it's best if the two of you start going Dutch on dates and everything else. If you cannot sit down and talk with him on things like this, then this relationship is a bad idea. Are you too shy in general? Do you have a problem not being asserrtive enough?
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 6 years
I'm not trying to be a smartass but based on the fact that you either can't or haven't thought of having a conversation with him about this makes me suspect you two won't be together very long anyways, so why not pull the plug and get it over with? I don't understand why this question had to be asked in the first place. And it's not like you're just twisting in the wind subject to whatever expectations this guy has. You could *gasp* make the choice to be assertive. Going into debt for a boyfriend instead of having a conversation is ridiculous.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 6 years
I come from a different background (I'm from Québec, so I'm french-canadian), so I don't believe it is men's job to pay all the time. When it comes to dating, I think it is the person who invites the other that should pay. When you are "official" or exclusive and in a committed relationship, then it should be equal, or according to the financial capacities. Right now, you do not have the capacity to pay all the time, and you shouldn't. Just sit down with him and tell him that you love going out to places, but you can't afford to pay all the time for both of you. And, why would you? I think this guy tried to impress you the first couple of times you went out and is probably frugal, so he's taking advantage of the situation. You have to talk to him so you guys find a solution good for the both of you.
Trusting1 Trusting1 6 years
Oh dear. No no no. HE should be paying. It has nothing to do with 'equality' or whatever pc bs - when you pay you are actively saying 'I don't expect you to pay' and you are actually TAKING away his job. Sure it's ok to pay SOMETIMES - like maybe you can buy him ONE drink, or if you have been together for a LONG time, buy him a birthday dinner. Now he thinks you're paying all the time! If he doesn't like the fact that men have to pay he should stay single. You're his meal ticket. Quite literally. You wish you could stop? So stop then. Don't feel awkward. Wait for him to suggest where HE would like to take you, because when a guy asks you out it's a given that he is doing just that - taking YOU out. You ARE the treat! You don't need to give him ANYTHING else - you are enough! I hope this clarifies a few things lady.
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