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Unemployed Boyfriend Lives at Home With Parents

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Is Jobless and Lives at Home at 38

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I love my boyfriend.  He is the nicest guy I've ever dated.  I struggle with clinical depression and he's the first guy who's been supportive of me and looks past it.  He really loves me and wants to be with me, something I've never had before. 

My problem starts with he's 38, lives at home, and doesn't have a job.  His reasoning is that he has an inheritance to live on left to him by family and he's waiting for the right job to come along.  He also says that the house is his because it will be left to him, but it isn't his, it's his parents. 

I find this situation extremely frustrating but feel kinda stuck, like no one better will want me because of my issue with depression and have been dumped because of it in the past.  I also feel a little hypocritical because I live at home, but I'm 26 and just moved back in because I transferred schools.  And I work. 


I enjoy my time with him.  We have fun when we are together and he's a good man, but I'm struggling with this situation. Advice?

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searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
I don't believe he has to have a "traditional" 9-5 either, but I do believe he has to have some aim in life and is contributing to society somehow. That could be through volunteer work, writing, going, back to school-you're never to old to do these things. At 38 he's still relatively young but he sounds like he's living the lifestyle of a retired 60yr old. My best friends ex received a lot of money through a court settlement. He was 29 and never wanted to work either. She was fine with that as long as he was doing something constructive with his day's. The problem was, he was'nt. He was content to live within his means and spend his days socializing and his nights going out and drinking with the guys. Totally unacceptable. Life is about learning and contributing not just fun and games. Your boyfriend sounds like he needs to get some kind of purpose in life. I think thats what probably is really upsetting you. He sounds like he may be a bit depressed and afraid of the "real" world as well. Doe'snt mean he's a bad person but he needs someone to tell it to him straight. If he's willing to look at this and change somethings you guys might have a chance. Good Luck
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
^ Ashley, you may need to reread, he chose to not find a job, he 'lied' to the OP and gave the impression that he was, but he really wasn't. He's got his inheritance and his parents to count on. Who said that we'd refuse inheritance, it's just a little too dumb to count on inheritance alone in life. You're the one who mention time is tough, economy is rough, I'd agree with that, so when the money runs out, he's going to be depending on..who? He'll have to explain those years of absence from work as well, and companies will be more selective due to more workers (qualified) are available and looking for work. Unless this guy wants to start from the beginning or earn minimum wage (and let's face it, it's barely livable living esp. if you have to take care of a family) and what about insurance? I've seen lottery winners blew off millions and went bankrupt, what makes this man so special that he'll make the inheritance last? His parents right now are alive so he didn't quite have his hands on them and the parents get to 'watch' him spend things too since he's living under their roof. And the clinically depressed person isn't the bf, it's the OP, and if you read her latest post/response, she's broken up with the guy and feels less stressed after she did so.
alexask alexask 6 years
oh gosh, i am going through the exact thing! and those comments, all from different angles, just like my friends' advice - almost left me more confused. I just wanted to say I've been there too, except my guy's 10 years younger, but i can guarantee his lifestyle is 10 times more ridiculous haha. honestly, if you broke up with him for real, i admire you and i think you did the right thing. i've tried to break up but we're in some kind of addicted, co-dependent phase right now. probably because, like you, i moved back into my family's house, after i finished school, i'm looking for a job, and i'm all confused, sad, etc. despite him being a distraction it's still a permanent worry, like will i really have to accept this lifestyle forever? it feels like i'm signing a contract that says i have to lower my lifestyle goals and work twice as hard. i hope i get some courage like you soon.
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
Well no wonder you agree with him anonymous, you are exactly like him in your situation. Anyway, we broke up. I actually feel less stressed now than I did before when we were dating.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
Good for you soulsearcher8. Never let anyone make you feel like you deserve less than you do. Including yourself. Good luck.
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
I'm the OP. To clarify, he doesn't have a mood disorder and he isn't working because he doesn't want to, not because of the economy. He's been unemployed for a while. I accepted it at first because he said he was looking for a job and believed him, but now I don't. The honeymoon phase of the relationship has passed, atleast for me it has. And I can see way more clearly how wrong this relationship is for me. I'm going to put my foot down and tell him that this not looking for a job thing needs to change. I'm going to be brutally honest like the other comment said. I don't think it will change anything, but atleast I'll know I did everything I should have done in order to leave this relationship. As nice a guy as he is, that doesn't mean I should be settling for less than what I deserve, depression or no depression.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
How old are his parents? Just kidding. But really, just because he gets the house means nothing. What about upkeep and property taxes just to name a few?38 and waiting for his parents to die, not working and hanging around at his age is not a very respectable life or attitude. Its good that he is nice to you but its not the whole picture to say he's good to you. I dunno about this guy. Even if he got serious, how would he manage a ring, a wedding, a life? He doesn't seem responsible and that's the bigger issue here. Would he get you a diamond by taking it out of his mother jewelry box? I'm sure it bothers your sense or morality, and to me you you are second guessing yourself for no reason. You are in a difficult position because of your depression but it seems to me that no one would know that unless you spoke up about it. Your mind and your decisions are the same as the rest of us out there. At your age I would have not even bothered with someone like that. Life is difficult choices sometimes.
bryseana bryseana 6 years
You say he's nice, supportive, accepting, and the two of you have fun when you're together. But then you say you're worried that no one "better" will want you. I'm confused. Do you love the guy? Or are you settling? Lack of motivation can sometimes be a symptom of depression. Maybe he has it too. Something you guys can discuss? Anyway, if you're not happy then you should move on. But if you're just embarrassed about his living arrangements, then I should say that you may be able to find a guy that has a place of his own, but he may not be as great as this guy is to you.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
This guy is inherently lazy. There's lots of nice lazy people, but the laziness trait can bleed into a lot of other areas in life. It also results in other bad traits, like the tendency to make up a lot of excuses (which he's doing and I guarantee will continue to do). You may eventually find him unable to follow through on things, which in some cases can be heartbreaking when it comes to relationship commitments. I don't think it would be wise to stay with a guy like this. He might be the first one you've met to accept you for you, but that doesn't mean he's the only one that ever will. I think you should look elsewhere for a new love interest and let this guy continue to live the parasitic life he's living. In my opinion, extreme laziness is an issue that can get pretty ugly. Best of luck :)
tidakpedulidengananda tidakpedulidengananda 7 years
Rather than trying to argue with other posters (like a few posters before me), I'd probably look at OP's frustration. You're obviously FRUSTRATED (you wrote so) with his lack of motivation to find a job. OP, you have a certain standard in your head already on what you want in a bf, depressed or not, you still have that standard. But you're mostly so scared of getting dumped due to your clinical depression--you wrote this too, so it's not all about 'love' that's keeping you with this man or making you avoid from confronting him about your frustrations. Or you may have confronted him but he has given you a reason, but you can't be changing a person, he may have completely different pov than you, original poster. My advice, you only have 1 life, if yuo're really that frustrated and you're still dealing with the clinical depression, you don't need us strangers to tell you how to deal, you're in all likelihood, still in contact or you've got resources ready for your disposal. Your parents (who will want the best for you) are with you to give you guidance, and how about your psychiatrist (who prescribed/treated you for your depression)? Why can't you be discussing this with him/her? You're practically paying for it anyway (via insurance, but you know). My personal opinion on your bf? Well, I can't be with someone like that, I just think it's wrong to wait around for your parents to die so you'll have the house. And having a job is far from proving self-worth, imho, it's PARTLY about survival instinct. I mean, it's nice and all to have things given to you all the time, but sometimes in life, if you only depend on for what's handed down to you, you may not like what you're handed down. There's no guarantee as well that parents already have a set will handing things down to their children (although many assume so), ask the brothers who's suing a dog who inherit the millions instead them. LOL. That's kind of funny. And oh, I just happen have a friend whose parents decide to donate 2 million dollars of their savings to a charity and my friend only gets 1 thousand bucks because in life, he was as lazy as your bf, and his parents can't convince him to be independent in life, so I guess in death, they finally teach him a lesson :)
MissSushi MissSushi 7 years
I agree with jth. Why in the world does he HAVE to have a job to not be labeled as a bum and dirtbag? She says "His reasoning is that he has an inheritance to live on left to him by family". As far as I can tell, that means he already has the money, the only thing hes waiting on is the house, which, although i dont agree with waiting for your parents to croak, a lot of people plan to have their family homes passed down to them, so that in itself isnt strange. If we didnt have to worry about an income to pay the bills, my husband and I would be doing a billion other things, hobbies, crafts, traveling, etc etc etc. She doesn't talk about what he does all day long, in regards to say, sitting in a dark basement playing video games all day, so that apparently isn't in question. Talk to him about your needs, ie, him moving out and becoming independant of his parents house, and anything else that bothers you. But if he has money, there is no reason you should be pressuring to have a job just because you feel that gives him self worth.
jth jth 7 years
I'm not giving the OP advice at all, I'm more curious about the responses. I understand that work of some kind gives you self worth but why does that work have to be the traditional job? What about someone like a SAHM? They don't make money or have a traditional career but no one would say they don't have self worth. If you take the need to pay for your living out of the equation, why is the career/making money the focus of a persons self worth vs. personal satisfaction/being happy with what you do in the day? I mean, I can't wait to quit my job; I want to get to the day when I never have to job-work again. There are a million things I would rather being doing than the work I do for money but, you do what you gotta do right? What if you didn't have to do anything? By the way, I'm not attributing the SAHM argument to anyone, I'm using it as an example of a non money job.
JessieSP JessieSP 7 years
I agree with Sabrinaland #1 It's time to let that bum go. You are worth so much more than him.
Beauty Beauty 7 years
I think the depression is telling you that you can't do better, that nobody will love you if you're depressed. That's not true. The most important thing is to manage the depression. Whether that means exercise, therapy, meds, whatever -- priority one is making you healthy. For *me* this guy would not be a good match. He does sound entitled and full of excuses. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but ask yourself: If this is how things would always be, would that make you happy?
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