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You Asked: He Broke Off Our Engagement

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years and our relationship took off quickly. I am not a materialistic person, but he goes out of his way to pamper me and buy me things — I think he thinks it's what makes me happy. I've told him that all I need is his love, but he still continues to shower me with gifts. We have wonderful times together, we share the same sense of humor and I love him, but sometimes I feel like we aren't on the same page. Despite all that, we got engaged on our one year anniversary.

On my birthday, we had a little argument and completely out of the blue, he decided it wasn't going to work out with us, just two days before he made me promise to never leave him. I feel things really changed for us when we became engaged — his idea not mine — and he says he needs some time because he doesn't know how he feels. What am I supposed to do? I love him and I miss what I thought we had. Any suggestions? Taken Aback Tanya

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Taken Aback Tanya,

I don't blame you for being taken aback, I would be too, but it sounds like you two haven't been on the same page for quite some time. While that is no reason for him to spring a breakup on you out of the blue, it might have been a blessing in disguise.

His actions throughout your relationship make me think he's insecure, so could he have broken off the engagement because he thought you might beat him to the punch? From what you've told me, it sounds like you have been settling. While I don't doubt you miss him, I think you should ask yourself why you miss him. Is it because he provides for you or makes you feel safe, or is it because you are truly, madly in love with him? If your answer is the latter, I say fight for him but if it's the former, mourn this relationship as the loss that it is and move on so you can find someone you truly love. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
I agree with Dear. You don't sound like you love this man and want to marry him so take this as a way out. Figure out what you do want in life and don't go back to this guy just because you want someone to love you.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Uh, this isn't someone i would think of with warm feelings. You don't go from 0-60 when it comes to something like marriage. Don't get back together with him.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Sounds like it's time to go your separate ways! By the way, did your fiance take a trip down to Atlanta recently?
Berlin Berlin 8 years
Yeah I think this is a big sign that you aren't ready to be engaged/married. One, this is what happens after jut one year, you aren't prepared for the hardships, knowing how one handles arguments and stressors, or just if they'll lose interest after a few years. If you're serious about getting married to him, then why not try to push it back for several years. The thing is...marriage is (supposed) to be forever, and you get engaged on the way to you should ALSO date on the way to getting engaged. Take a few years to enjoy each step of the way because once you hit marriage there's no going back! Talk to people that have been married for a LONG time and see how their relationships worked (and I don't mean grandparents b/c that was a different time when divorce was very low and you married young). Actually just TRY to find adults who have been married over 10 years! And in that, see how long they were engaged, how long they dated, and if they wish that they had dated longer. Point is it should be very difficult to find people still happily married after 10-15 years, and with that sad report is one more reason why you shouldn't rush it! Give him time and tae your own time and just back up and slow down, it isn't too late:)
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
I'm with Princess_eab. Those were my thoughts exactly. Back in the day, I dated someone similiar. He was a complete waste of time. Well, not exactly, I learned a lot of lessons from that experience. I learned to avoid men like that.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
Actually yeah, this is my ex boyfriend. We were together a total of 18 months. We moved in together after a month and adopted cats after 9 months... The whole time it was a game of his feelings, really. Everything had to be JUST SO and if I did something wrong then he'd threaten to break it off with me. Total control freaks are not worth your time and this is what this guy is.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
This guy is a classic manipulator - I'm sorry, I know you love him, but this is exactly the type of guy I avoid. Sweeps you off your feet, showers you with attention and gifts, commits WAY before you are ready, then when something minor happens or you start to get comfortable, they're outta there. Three boyfriends have been like this to me and I'm done with them. Sorry, no advice other than you are well rid of this guy, who simply likes to be in control but is strangely out of control of his own feelings...
ehadams ehadams 8 years
I think you should take it a bit slower. Don't get married just yet. Give yourself time.
CYL CYL 8 years
Engagements should not be taken so lightly. You should seriously think about his actions...and they speak for louder than any present or words. What happens if you two decide to have a baby and you get pregant...will he change his mind in a month too?
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
Do you care about this guy? Can you handle behaviour like this? He sounds a little unpredictable and that isn't exactly the kind of guy you want to be sharing joint finances, a home and the burden of kids with. Really. It sounds like you were settling with him. Maybe this will give you the chance to find somebody new who will treat you how you want to be treated as opposed to their made-up ideals?
hithatsmybike hithatsmybike 8 years
It was way too soon for you to get engaged (1 year? seriously??). Give him a month or two to come around, but if he doesn't, start looking for someone new.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
i think you both rushed into everything with your relationship and he went into the engagement rushed as well. even though it was his idea he may have been caught up in the moment with everything going so well and maybe now he's regretting the rush and taking a step back to evaluate things. maybe this is a good thing i dont know. good luck though.
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