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You Asked: How Do I Forgive My Husband for This??

Dear Sugar--

What would you do if your husband spent $1,400.00 of your joint money that was to be used to pay off our credit card debt on a stripper at a club for 3.5 hours!? I am not anti-strip clubs by any means, but the fact that he used our money makes my blood boil. I love my husband and this was an isolated incident, but I am just sick with anger and I don't know what to do with it. Please help! -- Pissed off Pamela

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Pissed off Pamela --

Wow, I have to tell you I would be beyond pissed too. $1400.00 is a lot of money to waste at a strip club especially when it's shared money meant to go towards your bills. Get your anger out and let him have it - tell him how inappropriate it was to spend money and how it made you feel to know he spent it on other women. Just because you aren't anti-strip clubs it doesn't mean you don't have a right to be furious. There's a time and a place for them but clearly this instance wasn't the time or the place.

If you weren't in credit card debt, I would tell you to go out and treat yourself to a new, expensive handbag and ask him how it feels to see where you are spending your joint money. Since that obviously isn't the responsible thing to do in this situation, you might want to think about opening a separate bank account. If you put your portion of expense funds into an account that he doesn't have access to, the next time he has a wild hair he will only be able to waste his own money - not the both of yours. Even if this was an isolated incident, I think it's important for your husband to know there are consequences to his actions. I wish you luck Pamela and hopefully your husband has learned his lesson.


Join The Conversation
Sofiababy Sofiababy 9 years
i dont really feel very threatened by strip clubs, maybe mostly because my boyfriend doesnt really ever like to go.. i wouldnt even mind if he did, yet i've probably gone more than he has (my friend bartends at one). i mean i figure those girls in no way measure up to what a guy wants in real, everyday life, theyre just a fantasy. really, they're not even that good looking =] anyway my boyfriends friends are THOSE guys. you girls know what im talking about. he broke it down to me in two ways when i asked: at his coworkers bachelor party, a couple hours and 600$ later the groom to be (eeek) got a blow job from two different girls. NO JOKE. at an average strip club. then again, in an nyc strip club, at his cousin's 21st birthday (neither of us could attend, we were in cancun for springbreak) between 7 people they racked up a couple thousand dollar bill, among bottles of greygoose and vip seatment, etc. so while its possible to spend a lot, with one person doing the spending, i would think the WORST. and any way its not what he spent it on.. its the PRINCIPLE. and the lack of respect. i would never, ever, ever trust him with OUR money ever again. or forgive him for that matter. make him get a second job or work longer hours to pay for his recklessness. and like all the ladies before me said, with interest, of course.
getstinko getstinko 9 years
rkdub - the backstory to your humorous story is that the your friend's husband probably paid $1100 for the tennis bracelet and used $600 for a bj from one of the ho's at one of the clubs. women/wives should find no humor in having their men/husbands mixed up in the dirty world of stripping - all men know of other men who have gotten laid by girls who work at strip clubs, it's out there. Why would it ever be acceptable to have your HUSBAND mixed up with women who are taking cash to expose themselves?
nessabum nessabum 9 years
if i was married to my bf and he did that, i would find many many many ways to hurt him. i would be hysterical. i feel very bad for you.
maplesyrup maplesyrup 9 years
Holy cow! What was he thinking?! Did he get anything out of it? Okay, i would be just as infuriated as you are. What you need to do is make him pay in the full amount, have him make it up to you for being so foolish and selfish for 3.5 hours, and next time watch your money. You may never know when a man will foolishly make a poor decision and cash in all the cows in the field. In the meantime, keep him on a short rope.
penelope829 penelope829 9 years
1) remove his access to the joint account, or empty its contents into a new account only you can access. Do this immediately. 2) make an appointment with your gynecologist and ask to be tested for diseases. 3) make an appointment with a certified financial planner who can give you a program for getting out of debt. stick to it like glue. 4) make an appointment with the meanest family attorney you can find. if you think divorce is too harsh a remedy, then you need to visit a family counselor prior to this step. Get away from this man. He's dangerous on many levels. You cannot afford- financially or physically- to be legally bound to someone who so willingly degrades you.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
There is something not right. I have been with my husband for 10 years now (we have always had seperate accounts and money,but I always know what's being spent). NEVER in his time with me would he ever do something so ridiculous and WRONG. I don't even think that he would bother to come home, and I tend to be a very forgiving and understanding girlfriend. It's not a question of whether or not you approve of strip clubs, it's the outrageous amount of time/money that was spent. I think this is a place of entertainment for a short period of time. Maybe hang out with the boys watch the girls have a couple drinks and go home. I can not and would not be able to understand why any one man would be able to, want spend that much money on strippers. The ONLY justifiable reason is if he just paid for a bachelor party........Other than that I would say there is something going on. Lonliness or some type of obsession. I think you need to have a really serious talk about a lot of things.
inadee inadee 9 years
what on earth was he doing in a strip club to spend that kind of money.. between that and the fact it was money for bills I'd be BEYOND furious too!
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
OH MY LIFE? How low does your self esteem have to drop before this kind of thing becomes acceptable? The guy is clearly some kind of idiot. I mean, seriously. What did he get for $1400? Where were you when this was going on, did you know he was in the club? Spending your money? You need to open a seperate bank account for YOUR finances. This is just common sense. Every woman, even married, needs to have her own money from her own income. It's just what you do. Then the joint account card needs to be TAKEN OFF HIM because he clearly cannot be trusted to use it responsibly. The money which he spent of yours then needs to be REPAID IN FULL back to you and put into your seperate checking account. He then needs to grovel. A lot. Gee whiz. I'd dump his sorry ass.
mrspiven mrspiven 9 years
he better find a way to replace that money quick! don't have sex with him until he replaces it...
rkdub rkdub 9 years
Ok, so what a bonehead thing for him to do... but funny story for the group.... One of my guy friends went to four different strip clubs and used the ATM's to withdraw $500 a pop knowing his wife would see the club name on the ATM transaction when she pulled up their bank account.... he used the money to buy her a tennis bracelet!!!!! She was SOOOOO livid until she got her present. Looking back on it, it is pretty funny, but if he had done that for strippers and not for his wife I am pretty sure he would be in a big pine box right now.....
Gracie Gracie 9 years
Unless he is best man in a wedding treating all the guys to a bachelor party, with every intention of paying all the money back asap, there is something seriously wrong going on in your relationship. (Heck, even in that situation there are problems, such as his need to impress others with money he doesn't have.) Like everyone else said, you'll need to keep separate accounts, but you also need to look deeper. It's disrespectful enough that he spent your joint funds without discussion, but what he spent it on is other women. That is beyond a slap in the face, it's like a kick in the butt. What exactly is he trying to tell you? One way or another you have to find out what's going on with him so that there are no more nasty surprises in your future.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
I've been to strip club with the guys, and $1400 is a LOT. I'm sure he was playing Big Bank Hank and buying lots of drinks and dances for his friends. If he was alone, then he has a SERIOUS problem. A lap dance is about $20 bucks plus tip, $5-10 drinks... DANG! that's a TON of dirty dancing... I ain't married, but he would SO be in the dog-house for this ish!
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
8-o !!!!! What an idiot. He is a jerk. You have every right to be so so so so so so so so so pissed!!! I agree with everything said before me and I can't really add anything, I think you should just follow everyone else's advice. Except I do have to say that I would be really really mad about the strip club no matter what and I would consider that cheating. He is acting so so immature!!!! Be very very angry and make him pay you back, with money and lots of other stuff!!!
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
separate bank accounts NOW. I am concerned that you won't be able to trust him again. Your going out and-- oops!-- spending $1400 on a handbag isn't even the same, if you had done that. HE SPENT THIS MONEY ON SEXUAL CONTACT WITH OTHER WOMEN. and it's non-returnable. God, this pisses me off!!!
junebrug junebrug 9 years
As everyone has said, this is shocking and I would be pissed beyond belief. I too wonder exactly how he spent $1400. If it's an isolated incident and an accident that he spent that much, and if you accept that, there's nothing to do but move on. But the separate bank accounts is something to consider. I apologize if it's a cruel thing to say, but another thing to think about is that if you cannot trust a man with your money, how can you trust him with something far more valuable, like yourself?
raptinrainbows raptinrainbows 9 years
omg, did he misplace his brain for the night?! what possessed him to think that his behaviour would be acceptable in any way, shape or form??? that's such a slap in the face! i would rage and then rage some more and then IMMEDIATELY open a separate account, which all women in relationships should have anyway. then i'd have a good long think about whether he's sending me a signal and whether i want to be in a relationship with someone that stupid and/or emotionally destructive.
honey31 honey31 9 years
Beat the crap out of them!
indielove indielove 9 years
hahaha, demon kitty. *4 posts til gold. :)
annbaby annbaby 9 years
I'm VERY anti strip club, but what you and your hubby are or are not against is up to you guys, obviously. I cannot believe how ridiculous this is, I can't remember the last time I spent 1,400$ in a single night, or even came close! Please do take everyone's advice and start a new bank account by yourself, and do NOT forgive your hubby any time soon.
lolany lolany 9 years
Dang, y'all are nice. I'd kick his ass to the curb. Yep. I would say that this qualifies as him having no respect for you in any way, shape of form.
kendalheart kendalheart 9 years
I think divorce is all too harsh, and she said she is not anti strip club.
tyra tyra 9 years
Ikandy Ikandy 9 years
Im totally anti-strip club...This is insane, I say he owes you at least $700 cause half of that money is yours. To live with myself Id have to get my revenge by spending on something equally frivolous. And do something to piss him off really badly! not only did he spend all of this money without ur consent, it was at a stripclub and ur in dept. Boy do I feel ur anger. Im sorry, but I dont think something like this is easily forgiveable. I mean what kindof judgment call was this??? I would seriously question his intelligence. I hope u cant find a way to get past all this anger and resentment...If u do, youre a VERY strong woman. Good luck!
d_ford d_ford 9 years
If I were in your shoes, I would heading to a divorce lawyer ASAP. Reading that made my blood boil thinking about what I would do if my husband did that. Thank goodness my hubby doesn't like strip clubs. He thinks they are degrading, which they are, and I love him for it. No one in their right mind, man or woman, who is worth being married to would do that to their spouse. $1400 on A stripper? No fucking way. Your husband has shown no respect towards you and your relationship. I would get out now before it's too late.
netty82 netty82 9 years
Ummm....Yeah..I don't think so! That is totally uncalled for, if my husband did this, I'd have to hurt him. He wouldn't be buying anything for a very long time! That's crazy!
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