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You Asked: For Love or Money?

Dear Sugar--
I have been dating this guy for about two months. He treats me like a goddess. He is very affectionate, which is something I am not used to, very giving and attentive. But (there is always a catch) he makes a lot less money than I do, does not have a car, which means that I do all the driving on the dates, and he has a seven year old son. I have a bachelor's degree and a post graduate degree, I am not making six figures but I am financially secure. I do not have any children and I have always dated a guy with at least a motor vehicle and I have to admit I DO NOT LIKE this dynamic.

But on the flip side, I feel like I am being stuck-up and judgmental if I dump him. When we go out I don't pay for anything but my worst fear is that it will be two years later and he still won't have a car and will still be making less money than me. As bad as this is to say, I want financial security from my spouse and I just don't know if he can provide that for me. He also told me that I have to accept him for who he is and his situation and I either have to support him or walk away. My mind says walk away but my heart says give him a chance. Please help! -- Flustered Frankie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Flustered Frankie--

You are being entirely too hard on yourself right now Frankie. The desire for financial security is absolutely valid, and any woman that doesn't come right out and say that it's something they think about is lying. But, with that said, your boyfriend is right, you either need to completely accept him for who he is or let him go and move on.

There is a reason why you fell for this man, despite his financial situation, so what has changed? Have you been talking about your future lately or thinking about taking the next step in your relationship? You're very lucky to have a boyfriend that treats you like a princess, but you need to ask yourself if that is enough for you. Many women dream of having the white picket fence and 2.5 kids, but just know that is more of a fairly tale than a common reality. While it sounds like you are unhappy being the breadwinner in this relationship, something tells me there is more going on here. Are you feeling like there is a power struggle because of your differences in your paychecks and degrees? Do you respect him less because he isn't as successful as you?

You have only been together for two months so be sure you aren't jumping the gun here. Is there a possibility your boyfriend will advance in his career or potentially get another job? Knowing what you want and what will make you happy in the long run does not make you judgmental or stuck-up -- it makes you honest. It sounds like your boyfriend is being affected by your doubts in this relationship so to be fair to him, you're going to have to make a decision that you can live with and that makes you happy. Good luck.


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