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You Asked: My Friend Keeps Asking to Borrow Money

Dear Sugar--

I recently became acquainted with a woman at my son's school. Since the area we live in is very affluent, and we are NOT, we sort of clung to each other for support. We talk daily about the kids, husbands, etc. However, recently, she has been asking to borrow money from me. I really don't have an issue as to if she'd pay me back - I trust that she would. The problem is, my husband and I barely survive on the money we do have. And she's not asking to borrow $20 or even $40, but a couple of hundred! I'm not a very direct person, I have to admit, I try to dance around the question saying, "Well, I have my rent due, and the car payment" thinking she'll drop it. But NO! She'll then ask, "Well, when's it due because I can pay you back before then." She has even gone as far to ask if I can take a direct deposit loan at my bank! At that point, I just ignore her constant calls. I'm really hurt that she would put me in this predicament.

She knows how much my husband makes, which isn't even close to 50k a year and she knows how we struggle. (The only reason we live in this area is because my landlord gave us a great deal on rent). I feel for her, they just moved out here from New York and she has no family and California can be an expensive place to live. But I also know that her husband makes 3 times what my husband makes and I don't feel it's my duty to bail her out just because they can't manage their money. How do I get her to quit asking for such big favors? She just hit me up today for $110!

--In a Sticky Situation Sally

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear In a Sticky Situation Sally--

I have to say right off the bat that friends and money don't mix. I completely understand if a friend asks for $20 every once in a while, but asking for hundreds of dollars is quite nervy, especially from an acquaintance! She definitely crossed the line here.

It sounds like she's kind of pushy and will keep asking until you either give it to her, or tell her "NO!" As hard as it may be, you need to be direct with her. Simply say, "I'm sorry, I wish I could help you, but I don't lend money to friends."

You've got your own family to take care of, and you shouldn't be made to feel like you have to lend her money just because she can't seem to manage hers. If she's a real friend, she'll understand and lay off the mooching. On the other hand, if she gets upset, then you know she's not a true friend after all and she only wants you for your money. Good luck Sally.


Join The Conversation
tati33 tati33 10 years
I also agree with Marci - for me it came to a point that the only reason this girl talked to me was to see if I had "extra" cash. Like I was a bank. So she stopped talking to me. Hope she found a friend who freely gives out more money.
tati33 tati33 10 years
I agree with the above advice. I had a similiar situation. A friend/coworker would ask me for money as well. At our workplace we would both get paid on the 1st of the month. She has a young daughter and I don't but at the time she also made more money than I did. At the end of the month, obviously we were both running broke...bills etc etc. She would always email me at the end of the month and ask me for $20 or $40. When she did it the third time, I basically told her I dont have any extra money at the end of the month as I live paycheck to paycheck so I told her to either go ask another one of her "friends" or go to the bank or ask her boyfriend. And she stopped. It is a little annoying because I feel sometimes people don't consider. Life is just as hard for everyone.
Marci Marci 10 years
I agree with Dear and everyone else who posted. This girl is far too pushy and nervy at that. Just tell her 'Sorry, I can't help you out' and have that be the end of it. You might find you have to tell her that a few times, and you also might find that she's not that friendly with you after awhile, but who cares. With friends like that, who needs enemies? I need to point out that you've given her far too much private information. She does not need to know how much your family income is, what bills you have coming due, etc. It's too late to change things with her, but you might want to be more cautious with that kind of information with other people in the future.
nessabum nessabum 10 years
if she's your friend, she should know what it's like for you. she has to respect that sometimes there is only so much you can do. let her know that although you may not be able to provide financial support, you can always provide emotional support, etc. and it's not being selfish or anything to refuse to agree to lend her money. you need to respect your husband as well.
PrissyLilBadAss PrissyLilBadAss 10 years
If you lend her money, you're only supporting her poor budget management skills. Letting her know that you're not comfortable lending money to friends is completely okay. It gets your point across, and also lets her know that you DO consider her a friend. Best of luck! "Party like a rock star, pound like a porn star, play like an all star!"
summer-roberts summer-roberts 10 years
I understand it is hard to stand up for yourself, but this woman is taking from your family. Has she paid back even a little? I would tell her you are not in a position to lend her any more money. And if she continues to ask, turn it around and ask when she plans on returning previously borrowed funds.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 10 years
...interesting picture... reminds me of an old beneton ad... -the ceeg
vmruby vmruby 10 years
Wow that takes some really big ones.Does she think that you are the local ATM machine.And Dear is right, friends and money don't mix. Tell her no firmly for the same reason that you gave here and stick to your guns.....
Huny85 Huny85 10 years
I totally agree with the people above me.She has lost her balls completely.I was in the same predicament .Tell her about the nearest bank in the area.Tell her that she must go there for a loan,you are not a loan shark.What kind of a friend does that to a friend.She is just taking advantage of your friendship.Please she is not worth your friendship if she is mad at you for referring her to a bank.
junebrug junebrug 10 years
I agree with the others that something is going on there she isn't telling you about. Why doesn't she use her own money or ask her husband for some if they have money? Obviously she has a habit or a problem she can't talk to him about. I wouldn't pursue the "why angle" though, it just gives her more room to keep asking. Just say no. If you lose her, she wasn't a real friend, and you also are entitled to worry about what she's doing, especially if she interacts with your child. What if she has a drug problem and is driving your kid around? You don't know it's something sinister, but if she really is only trying to get money out of you, a firm "no" will make her magically disappear.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
you need to be honest and say "i wish i could help you but unfortunately i'm not in a position to do so." if she won't drop it say "i'm uncomfortable with this line of questioning. i've already told you i cannot help you. please let's move on". i suspect she has some issue she hasn't told you about and that's why she's so insistant (gambling, shopping).
Bonne Bonne 10 years
Tell her you don't lend money and then point her to the nearest pay-day advance loan place.
obs3ssive obs3ssive 10 years
I like the saying "If you don't have the money, don't buy it". Obviously this friend of yours is not spending her money wisely, and it's not going to teach her any lesson if you help her out so generously. If you want to be nice, tell her that you don't have the money to lend to her right now (it's the truth, right?) and while you're at it you should give her some money-saving tips. Her husband is making 3x as much as yours and she's the one asking for money? Hmm, exactly.
a-gentle-rain a-gentle-rain 10 years
Reading the title, I thought you meant like 20 bucks all the time, and was going to tell you just to make a joke out of it. Like teehee, u like me for more than money right teehee but this is no joke. Your family works hard for the money you have. If you can't pay your rent, you cannot afford to help this 'friend'.
cubadog cubadog 10 years
Boy she has some balls this one. You need to grow your own and tell her no that you are not in any kind of position to lend her money. Don't feel bad there is clearly more to this situation then she is letting on.
legallyblonde legallyblonde 10 years
I have to wonder if she's buying drugs. I've been down that road before, and the person ended up taking hundreds from me over time. It seems a little suspicious. Either way, she really shouldn't be borrowing that much money, especially since you're struggling as it is. If you ask her to stop and she does, then great! If not, you will realize that she's not the friend you thought she was.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 10 years
I agree with the people above me. This is out of line. I don't even borrow more than $5.00 from my friends! I think it was so out of line for her to ask you to take a direct deposit loan! Sweetie, don’t do it. Don’t feel sorry for her. She is an adult. If she cannot manage her own money – then she needs to speak with a debt consolidation officer to help her create a budget. This is not your problem to take on. Now I have a hard time saying no to people, I am a people pleaser. If she asks for money again tell her “I am sorry – I am sorry too. Don’t you just hate that?” And if she asks for a loan, tell her you saw a commercial for (a bank in your area) that are offering great interest rates on loans that might work perfectly for her. Do not lend her money. She doesn’t need to know your financial affairs. That is a private matter and NONE of her business. Stay away from her sweetie.
calibabi calibabi 10 years
i hope that this doesn't come across as trite, but this situation sounds like a judge judy episode waiting to happen! it's definitely time to stop skirting the issue and tell her flat out that you are sorry but you are not going to loan her the money.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
You get her to quit asking by putting your foot down! It's as easy as that. Take a deep breath and tell her NO. You'll feel good about it.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
I completely agree with DearSugar's advise! If this new "friend" gets upset when you wont loan her any more money then she has shown you her true colours! I have had a friend borrow money and it ended very badly! Whenever he borrowed it he would "forget" and never pay me back. After a couple of times of this happening I had to say no...we are no longer friends! The amounts this woman want to borrow are quite extreme, I would wonder what is she spending it on? Gambling? Drugs? You don't want to be the one supporting her habits!
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