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You Asked: Now What?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years. Both successful professionals and both divorced. We were having a great time with no solid plans for the future. Neither of us had children and he definitely didn't want any. It was just a great time, freedom, martini's etc. and we were in love but at one point, we were reckless and became pregnant.

Knowing how he felt about children I told him I accepted his position but that I was going to have the baby anyway. We have stayed together but he "hates" that he has a child. The baby is almost a year now, we still do not live together and he doesn't contribute financially.

Obviously I am unhappy. I never imagined having a child without a family unit but I made the choice to keep our child and have stepped up to the plate to raise and care for him. The baby is super, but the life I am living is not fulfilling emotionally. I don't push the family card because I am aware of how he feels about being a parent.

I cannot understand why he stays in the relationship. He says he loves us and may want to live together in the future, but not now. We are essentially living separate lives. How much longer do I wait? Why is he staying in the relationship? I fear pulling the plug. We love each other and he loves the baby but resents and hates the responsibility. Help! — Resented Ronda

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Resented Ronda,

I can only imagine how unsettled you must feel right now, but it sounds as though this man was very honest with you from the get go about his feelings towards wanting children and committing to a future with you. I am happy for you that you decided to raise and love your baby, but I just hope you didn't assume that this would bring you and your boyfriend closer.

You say you are still together, so does he act as the father to this baby even though he doesn't contribute financially? Are you still 100 percent committed to each other? Since I don't know all the details, I am still a little confused here, but at the end of the day, if you are unhappy and not emotionally fulfilled in this relationship, you're not going to be able to be a good parent to your baby and you could in turn end up resenting him for your unhappiness. As for why your boyfriend is staying in this relationship, well that's a question you're going to have to ask him yourself. Since you still have a lot of questions, a long talk is clearly in order. Set realistic expectations for your future and then gage if you can accept his position.

Of course, you fear pulling the plug, you love him after all, but ask yourself if you would be happier with someone who you not only loved, but with someone that loved you and your baby. You can't force this man into being someone he isn't so trust your gut instincts on this one and do whatever is going to make you happy in the long run. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
jessy777 jessy777 9 years
Wait no longer. This isn't healthy for you or your child. One day soon he will be able to see that his father doesn't want him and that will be heartbreaking, trust me. I know from first hand experience that some people are not meant to be parents and you and your child would be better off moving on and creating your own life. Good Luck!
tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
You're young and successful? Dump his ass. There's a man out there that will love you and your child.
Advah Advah 9 years
I might get yelled at for saying that, but I agree with the people who said he was clear about not wanting a baby. Raising a child is emotionally and financially costing, and it would be unfair to impose that to him while he was honest about not wanting to be involved in that. This being said, you can't have your cake and eat it too. I think he needs to make a choice (and you probably need to do that too if you want to feel better about the situation) between still being with you, but not living with you and not having a baby. That's just not showing any respect for you.
sh1nynewlove sh1nynewlove 9 years
if he's not going to commit to you and the baby then you have to rethink your priorities.. are you going to keep living your life this way.. or make a move for a life altering decision and do what is best for you and the baby... in my opinion i think if the guy is not willing to commit to you and the baby and provide you finances what is the point....
DukesUp DukesUp 9 years
Sounds like you have 2 children on your hands. Him and your baby. Move on, he's never going to accept it. Find a real man who will love you and your baby.
If you knew this man never wanted children, why were you not on birth control during your relationship? Did he know you weren't using any form of prevention? If he did not, I'm sure he feels rather deceived. If he did, I can almost see how he should be held accountable. That being said, I think the reason he is still in the relationship is to stay on your good side, so that you do not take him to court and force child support on him. To be frank, your child deserves to have two parents, and you obviously failed to consider that, since you knew that the father wasn't gonna have it. I agree with chakra_healer that you should definately give him the option to terminate his parental rights, that way your child won't grow up expecting him to be involved in something he wanted nothing to do with. If a woman wants an abortion against the father's wishes, he has no rights to force her to have the child. Why, then, should women hold that exact same power when the tables are turned? Do you women really think that bringing a child into this world just because you fucked up is the best decision? Our society is going to be FULL of fatherless children, and not having a father DOES affect how you turn out. This is how idiocracy is going to rule the world. Stop being so emotional about this issue, she accepted that he didn't want children, why push it on him?
chakra_healer chakra_healer 9 years
I didn't read anyone, including myself, blame the woman. Whatever she does with her body is her choice - but she must take responsibility for her choices and not expect the ex to either contribute financially or emotionally. Princess_eabsugar, You state you would never have an abortion at a boyfriend's request, which is fine. However, what if your boyfriend forced you to have a baby that you didn't want, kept it, and sued you for child support? All while the public called you a deadbeat mother for not wanting a baby in the first place? It won't happen, because women hold reproductive power. Unfortunately, forcing someone to be a parent when they do not want to is an abuse of that power. Accident or not, the other partner's choice is just as valid. He may not be morally right for rejecting their child. However, she was not morally right in forcing him to become a parent despite his objections. She has the baby and should live her life as a single parent supporting the baby she *solely* made the decision to have. That is not punishment for not aborting, that is mature behavior in a bad situation.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
I should add that I don't believe in blaming this woman because she DIDN'T have an abortion as her boyfriend seemed to want her to. I think the breakup should have happened then-- obviously she and her boyfriend have incredibly major moral differences. I would never have an abortion on a boyfriend's request, and I would be horrified if somebody accused me of getting pregnant on purpose just because I didn't want to abort the baby. I know these decisions have legal and financial consequences for the father, and that's where it gets sticky, but I strongly believe that a woman should not have to abort her baby if she doesn't want to.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Oh, and I second the legal routes mentioned above. Get away from him, make it official, protect your son.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Whether he likes it or not, his legal responsibility is to contribute financially. Forget him, I don't know how YOU can stay in a relationship with a man that wouldn't suck it up and be your partner and helper when something huge like this happened in your relationship. I guess I'm different from everyone else-- if you had "tricked" him into getting pregnant or something, I'd definitely say it's all your fault, etc., whatever, but this sounds like an honest mistake, and really, it could happen to any of us. I think it reflects badly on his character. Relationships are more than skipping out when the going gets hard or when you accidentally have a baby. I'm shocked he hasn't split, either, but frankly I think you need to do it for him. I think you would be happier without him in your life-- now, he's just a constant reminder of a partner who really wasn't. I feel really sorry for you and I truly hope that you find happiness with someone who really loves you. I don't blame you-- I blame him.
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
I agree with chakra_healer about this, if he had never said anything to you about not wanting to be a father it would be different, but he told you that he wanted no part in it and did not want to be a father, and then you decided to have the baby anyway. That makes it your decision and responsibility alone. You should leave this guy, and find someone who can fulfill you emotionally, he is probably using you or else he does have a little bit of sympathy and feels bad leaving you even though he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore and that is why he isn't leaving. Either way, you and the baby are better off without him. It sounds like you probably thought that this guy would change his mind and at least become a fairly good father once you had the baby, and when he didn't you were surprised and don't know what to do now. I'm sorry it turned out this way for you, even though I do think it is your responsibility because you took the responsibility by having the baby, I still think your bf is a jerk and has no feelings. I'm very sorry you are going through this and I hope everything gets better soon! Good luck!!!
JChipman1 JChipman1 9 years
I understand exactly what people are saying about financial contribution not equalling responsibility and it seems from the letter that the mother doesn't "need" the child support - but my position on that is "so what?". That little boy is ENTITLED to financial contributions from his "father". It's actually physically disgusting to me that a woman could allow a man who hates having a child to posture as a father to this kid when or if it's convenient. Clearly, move on in every way - set up a trust and direct his payments right to it and you won't have to see/deal with this creep again...well other than why you're explaining this situation to your kid.
JessBear JessBear 9 years
Either way, do it through a court. Don't let him just start paying for diapers, or say, "okay, I don't want to see the baby". Make it legal and official, that way you're protected if this guy changes his tune down the road.
JessBear JessBear 9 years
The fact is, this man is not "just" a sperm donor. That implies that she wanted to have the baby, and purposefully created it. They BOTH made an error judgement, and the consequence was a pregnancy. To that point, they're equally responsible. Now, personally, I think the man is still responsible for the child he helped create, whether he wanted it or not. No matter what your opinion on the matter, though, she now needs to make one of two choices to protect her and her baby's future: 1.) Get child support. Even if you can support the baby yourself, the money can still go towards securing the child's future. 2.) Make him sign over all rights to the child, including visitation rights now and in the future. There are two sides to this issue, and far be it for us to judge one way or the other, but a conqequences need to occur one way or the other. He either needs to be responsible for his child, at LEAST financially (since that's all the mother can control) or he needs to absolve all rights to the child. No more of this indecision, this "one day I MIGHT want to move in with you" and "I love the child but hate the child".
colieoats colieoats 9 years
WOW! I am almost in disbelief at how ugly this situation is. First, let me start out by saying that a man who refuses to contribute to his child, financially or otherwise, is a sorry excuse for a human being. Regardless of the fact that he didn't want children, that little boy is still his child. You didn't create that baby on your own. I can't even imagine the type of person he must be otherwise. I wouldn't let that man around my child. It is nuts to me that you are even questioning what you should do here. Your son should be the main priority in your life, as you decided to bring him into this world. Forget the guy and the life you WANT to have with him because it is clearly not going to happen the way YOU want it to. UGLY, UGLY, could someone deny their own child?
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I agree with Chakra. Ronda, you made the sole decision to keep the baby. The baby is now YOUR responsibility. Your BF was the sperm donor, nothing more. He didn't want to be a father, and he still doesn't want to be. Frankly, I think he acted with integrity. Try to accept this (unpleasant) truth, and I think you will make the right decision for yourself and your child.
Cymone Cymone 9 years
Yah I comment earlier, but I can't stop thinking about this. The question isn't why is he still in this relationship; its why are YOU still in it? The reason he's in it is because you've given him the perfect set up: He now has a child and a ready made family that he doesn't have to take care of until he gets good and ready (if he ever does). Leave him for Christ's sake. Honestly I'm almost more mad at you for allowing him to even take advantage of the situation. Ah why why why! I'm questioning what kind of people the both of you are. How can he be around this child and know that its his and not want to take care of it. How can you alllow this deadbeat around your kid and not ask of him his rightful responsiblities? wow.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
if you are waiting for the day that he is going to wake up and realize that he loves you and your baby and wants to be a family, it probably will never happen. Stop hurting yourself and your child. More than likely he's still there because you let him be there and your his comfort zone. OR maybe it's out of guilt that he is still around at this point. Whatever his deal is, doesn't sound to me like he's worth "waiting" for (If you can even call it that). You are driving yourself crazy for no reason. Leave, live a good life with your baby. You will probably end up being really pround of yourself, not to mention HAPPY!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
The Court will not deny you child support. My suggestion is to take him to court for child support, do it for your child's future. Unfortunately, you can't force him to be a real father to your child because he doesn't want to or intend to. He hasn't been, hasn't he? One of my friends is like your 'bf,' I don't agree with him, to be completely honest with you, and he hasn't seen his daughter for at least 15 years or so (and yes, he and his gf have broken up and she has gotten married to another person), and he's not bothered by it at all, and yes, he's paying for child support. He even thinks it was a 'mistake' THEY both made but he at least takes care of the financial responsibility (knowing that he doesn't want to be in the child's life) which is more than what I can say about your bf right now. Don't be fooled into thinking he'll warm up, it's been a year, get realistic. He may try to sweet talk you to not file child support on him, but forget that, he has a responsibility too because it always takes two to make a baby.
Karma87 Karma87 9 years
I agree 1000% with Cymone. This is an enraging situation. Dump the jerk and take his sorry ass to court. He's a fence sitter and life is way too damn short. Don't waste your time another second on your whatever-he-is, and love and enjoy the incredible gift that is your son. The whatever-he-is is taking you and your baby for granted and did I mention that life is way too short!?! Run, do not walk to the courthouse!
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
First of all where is your self esteem as a woman? How can YOU still lay up with this "man" who looks at your child and I quote "HATES" that he has a child? How can you look at this "man" who does not help to financially support your child even though you two are both "both successful professionals"??? Why are you subjecting your child to this so called "man"? You can't "HATE" that you have a child and then in the next breath say that you love this child!!! How is he showing this baby that he loves him? You as a mother shouldn't wait for this loser to decide when he wants to up and walk out of your life! Why the hell are YOU still waiting around? This loser is just doing what YOU are allowing him to do. You better do right by your baby and get child support established through the courts TODAY!!! The child support is for your baby not you, so do right by your baby and set that up PRONTO!!! Be the first positive example in your babies life and drop this loser! Do you think your child is not going to notice the resentment from his so called "father" as he gets older? It is way past time to move on honey don't wait for this loser to do it for you!
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
Wow, it's unfortunate that he didn't step up. I don't go for the "but I told you I never wanted children" excuse. That doesn't exempt you from responsibility. If you are man (or woman) enough to be having sex, protected or not, then you should be man (or woman) enough to deal with the consequences of a pregnancy. That's just my humble opinion. What you need to concentrate on, first & most, is your child's well being. "He hates that he has a child." Do you think your son will never realize how his father feels about him? Children are very perceptive. If it were me, I would get sole custody of him & get that man to give up all of his rights. You can raise this child on your own. You already are. "Why is he staying in this relationship?" Because he's having his cake & eating it too. The real question is why are YOU staying in this relationship. You deserve a healthy, fulfilling relationship & your son deserves a 100% father figure. You say that he loves you & your son, though. You need to have a mature discussion with him & give him an ultimatum & a deadline for what you need. He needs to step up. If he doesn't, move on, for your & your son's sake. Just because he's the biological father, doesn't mean you have to stay with him. You & your son deserve better. Your situation is a tough one. I wish you & your son much luck, what ever you decide to do.
Bella73 Bella73 9 years
I am sort of wondering if you got pregnant on purpose because you wanted a child and was hoping he would change his mind? As your child grows up you have to be honest with him/her as to what happened. Since he/she will be wondering why the dad isn't around.
fadedblue fadedblue 9 years
I agree that financial contributions do not equal parental responsibility. But the fact of the matter is that this girl is a single mother raising this baby and if the father is choosing to be around, I don't see why he can't be helping out somehow. I mean, yeah, what she definitely needs is to get out of this emotionally unhealthy relationship and find someone that will be willing to love her and her child and provide a healthy, responsible environment for the baby to grow in. You need to make a choice, and soon, to either just leave this guy completely and not let him take up any more of your energy, or else do something productive about the arrangement you have now and talk to him about having him help. He may not have wanted the child, but you know what, the child is here and it's his and that's not going to change.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
I'm trying to have sympathy but you know what? It's not coming. Why? You decided you needed to bring a kid into a relationship where one of the prospective parents didn't want the child in the first place. You put this child in a very negative position of having someone repel him so now he's your responsibility. If you need the financial support, a court wont deny it to you. The emotional support is obviously not coming. If someone tells you i don't want children, if you're on the same page, more power to you. If not, don't sit there and challenge them just because you do. eta: I would've at least had respect for him if he was supporting the child financially. He's probably still with you because he feels guilty and/or hasn't found anything better.
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