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You Asked: Now What?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years. Both successful professionals and both divorced. We were having a great time with no solid plans for the future. Neither of us had children and he definitely didn't want any. It was just a great time, freedom, martini's etc. and we were in love but at one point, we were reckless and became pregnant.

Knowing how he felt about children I told him I accepted his position but that I was going to have the baby anyway. We have stayed together but he "hates" that he has a child. The baby is almost a year now, we still do not live together and he doesn't contribute financially.

Obviously I am unhappy. I never imagined having a child without a family unit but I made the choice to keep our child and have stepped up to the plate to raise and care for him. The baby is super, but the life I am living is not fulfilling emotionally. I don't push the family card because I am aware of how he feels about being a parent.

I cannot understand why he stays in the relationship. He says he loves us and may want to live together in the future, but not now. We are essentially living separate lives. How much longer do I wait? Why is he staying in the relationship? I fear pulling the plug. We love each other and he loves the baby but resents and hates the responsibility. Help! — Resented Ronda

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Resented Ronda,

I can only imagine how unsettled you must feel right now, but it sounds as though this man was very honest with you from the get go about his feelings towards wanting children and committing to a future with you. I am happy for you that you decided to raise and love your baby, but I just hope you didn't assume that this would bring you and your boyfriend closer.

You say you are still together, so does he act as the father to this baby even though he doesn't contribute financially? Are you still 100 percent committed to each other? Since I don't know all the details, I am still a little confused here, but at the end of the day, if you are unhappy and not emotionally fulfilled in this relationship, you're not going to be able to be a good parent to your baby and you could in turn end up resenting him for your unhappiness. As for why your boyfriend is staying in this relationship, well that's a question you're going to have to ask him yourself. Since you still have a lot of questions, a long talk is clearly in order. Set realistic expectations for your future and then gage if you can accept his position.

Of course, you fear pulling the plug, you love him after all, but ask yourself if you would be happier with someone who you not only loved, but with someone that loved you and your baby. You can't force this man into being someone he isn't so trust your gut instincts on this one and do whatever is going to make you happy in the long run. Good luck to you.


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