Skip Nav
Smart Money Moves to Make After Losing Your Job
3 Invaluable Lessons I Learned From Working at Kate Spade Right Out of College
Budget Tips
7 Ways to Make $50 in a Day

You Asked: Should I Continue This Affair With My Boss?

Dear Sugar--

I'm very troubled and in pain. I'm married, and have been with my husband for 5 years. Everything is perfect. He's a great guy and he loves me so much.

But I did something horrible. I cheated...with my boss who's also been a good friend of mine for the last 6 years. He's a big time player and I know being with him is wrong in all aspects, but we are just so attracted to each other. As a friend and subordinate, he treats me very well, but as a woman I feel so dirty because I know he just wants it to be a secret and he still wants to be with other women.

I just want to forget him and move on, but don't want to lose my job. I don't know what to do, please help.

--Don't Know What to Do Dorothy

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Don't Know What to Do Dorothy--

I'm a little concerned here since all you're worried about is losing your job. What about the risk of losing your husband? Is that even an issue here? Or did you cheat because you are unhappy in your marriage? Having sex with someone else while you're married is never okay, even if you do want a divorce. You made vows at your wedding and you owe it to your partner to live by them.

That being said, people do make mistakes and it sounds like you are trying to fix this situation, which is great. You must end this affair with your boss immediately. You're just in a bad situation since you obviously are falling for him and it's pretty clear that he's busy fooling around with a bunch of other women, which isn't only putting you at risk, but your husband as well.

Explain to your boss that you've realized this affair is wrong and you can't risk your husband, and your job. I know you love your job, but being around your boss is going to be really difficult. Perhaps you can get transferred to a different department so you don't have to deal with him directly or see him at all? I'm sure your boss would agree that that's the best option. I hope this helps Dorothy and good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
EatYourVeggies EatYourVeggies 9 years
Wait... You feel dirty because your boss wants to bang other women and keep you two a secret but you don't feel dirty as a woman because you cheated on your husband? I think you should get a divorce and tell your husband to get tested.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
if you cheated... NOTHING IS PERFECT ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE! the guilty you feel now is something you should have thought of BEFORE! I have no sympathy. Try to work things out with your husband. He deserves better.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
The sex must be good, that said...break it off. DO NOT tell your husband...let me repeat...DO NOT tell your husband. If you love him, let the boss go and work things through. He doesnt need that guilt...carry it on your shoulders alone.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
PSS. Don't dare expect that it would be a safe idea to remain friends with your boss. Not going to happen. Don't you wish you got updates on stories like this to see what happens?
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
I also agree with Dear Sugar's advice. I'm not going to judge you and we don't know the reasons why you cheated. More importantly I think you feel guilty about it but are confused. First of all you and your boss are two concenting adults so you're equally as guilty of this. The fact that you haven't been caught yet or nobody suspects could change at any moment you never know at work nothing is really secret at sometimes people have access to your emails or can over hear things at any time. More importantly your marriage is hanging on by a thread you have this secret hanging over your head and guilt is hurting you emotionally you're not the same person he married. If you want to save your marriage you should definetly find a new job and just leave this behind you and never look back or contact your boss again. You need to move on and the sooner you do the better.
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
By the way, I know it's extremely scary to do any of the things that everyone has suggested. (Dear's advice is right on the money.) Just remember, the sooner you start...the sooner you (and your husband) can get through this & have it behind you. Why don't you just start by ending the affair? If your boss is a friend, like you say, then he will not take it out on you. At least that will end any stress you must be having, from hiding the affair & from "feeling dirty" as you said. For what ever reason you allowed this affair to happen, you are obviously in a bad situation. Again, good luck with all of it.
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
The first thing I thought, after reading the title, was "are you kidding me?" I'll never understand why people think continuing an affair might be an option. You clearly have issues, since you say your husband is perfect & since you are even asking about this. You should at least get some counseling for yourself, to find out why you would even be so weak as to allow an affair to start. I feel sorry for your husband. You are clearly a selfish person, but you can still turn this thing around. End the affair & find another job. You also need to come clean with your husband. FYI....Your boss is not your "good friend". There is a huge difference between a friend & a f*@k buddy. (Sorry to be so crude, but that is what you are to him. You said he was a player.) He might act hurt, if you end the affair, but he will replace you in the rotation faster than you can imagine. You have put yourself in a tough situation. The longer it goes on, the worse it will end, for all of you. Good luck with yourself. I really do wish you strength & luck.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
I do not want to be mean but I am surprised that people still ask this question and think they will get a positive response. Although your boss is an ass, this whole mess is your fault.If you really wanted to forget him you would have already done so and if you really believe he is a friend why would he fire you? You are just trying to rationalize this affair to me and the only thing that upsets you is that he does not want to carry it out in public since he dates other women. I won't even touch on the fact that you are married and supposedly your husband is perfect. (*rolls eyes*)
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
Wow, you got used, pure and simple, you let your boss get away with the game he plays, and you made yourself his plaything, a pawn in his hand. At the very least, you should be ashamed for giving the dirtbag exactly what he wanted. And how dare you say how great your husband is and how much he loves you, in the same paragraph where you unashamedly admit you've cheated? And with a JERK OFF nonetheless?!? Wow... He abused his position as a boss, and you let him. Sucker! I bet he doesnt give a rats ass about you. Certainly not, seeing as how he let you ruin your marriage AND career, just for his own ego. Like, I said...SUCKER!
onesong onesong 9 years
What bothers me even more than the fact that you are a cheater and a liar is what you're worried about in this post. You sound like the most selfish human being ever. You feel dirty because your boss is a player?! You should feel dirty because you are cheating on your husband and putting him in a position to get a disease and his heart broken. Shame on you.
designerel designerel 9 years
wow. sleeping with a co-worker is messy enough, but a boss? on top of it, you're married to a "great guy"? you need to own up to your husband and nip this thing with your boss in the bud. i'm thinking you probably don't need to worry about your job because i wouldn't be surprised if this boss was doing the same thing with other women in the office, but either way, you shouldn't work with him anymore if you want to salvage your marriage.
barjar1122 barjar1122 9 years
I feel bad for your husband. Anyone who says they have a perfect husband and then cheats on him does not deserve him! What are you really doing? You want a man, who wants everyone else, and you are happy that you got a piece too, at the risk of hurting someone special. Does that make you feel special? It should not flatter you but repulse you. You should not only run away from that job, but never speak with the boss again if you really appreciate your husband. You mention you have been friends with this guy for years even longer than you have been married. Does that somehow justify things in your mind? Sorry, there really is not a valid choice here, you need to think about what you are really asking. I think your looking for justification and that is not to be had. IMO
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
Actually, tell your husband now so he has the opportunity to leave you and get tested. I read this post over and you are obviously too selfish to be in a marriage.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
If you even care about your husband at all you would quit your job and find a new one right away! You are just going to keep getting tempted and sleeping with your boss. I hope your getting STD checks at least, your husband didn't ask for one. I feel like the type of cheating your doing is EXTREMELY selfish and mean. In my opinion it's not forgivable because you put your husband in the position where he could catch an STD or AIDS! You said your boss is a player, how the hell do you know what he has? you need a reality check and a heart.
minkysmom minkysmom 9 years
When I was 19 I got involved with my boss. He was 27. It was not a good situation. I only worked with him for 3 months, but it took my 3 years to realize that he was manipulative, hateful and used his influence not only on me, but other women as well. I thought that I was special and he treated me special, but I was dead wrong! I should have got a clue when another girl threatened to turn him in for sexual harrassment. I know you like him and all and he makes you feel good, but it's better to hurt a little now than alot later.
trendyindc trendyindc 9 years
I pretty much agree with everyone else. STart looking for a new job ASAP. When everyone finds out, because they always will, you're going to need to leave because no one will respect you professionally. Go get tested and come clean with your husband. Ugh people who cheat deserve what they get. Finally, go to a counselor. Clearly you have issues that you need to work out.
tyra tyra 9 years
ambermarie ambermarie 9 years
i can't believe you'd do that to your husband and worry foremost about losing your job, im sorry but that is just repulsive, marrying somebody means you commit your whole self to them forever, not committing yourself to someone until you feel like getting laid by some guy you're attracted to, cheaters are ridiculous and i hope you know karma will always get you back.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
Wow. I can't believe the title of your post too! What do you think people will say? You're not keeping yourself and your husband safe by sleeping with a man who's sleeping with other women. I really hope you're practicing safe sex. But you remember that there's no such thing as a safe sex, is it? Have you get yourself tested? Better hurry now. Perfect marriage. Is it why you need to sleep with your boss? Be honest to yourself. Or is this you who just can't stand the "perfect" nature of your marriage? Look inside yourself too. Be fair too to your husband, he may not be the most perfect guy in the world, but do you want the same thing to happen to you. How would you feel if you found out your perfect husband in your perfect marriage is sleeping with his boss? Will you accept it? Do you think your husband will find it okay for you to sleep with the boss? Will your perfect marriage survive this? If you think, it will, how about being honest with him, let him know what's going on. I'm sure that he'll probably want you to quit your job IF he even wants you around anymore. I'm glad you feel dirty about this, because at least you can differentiate right from wrong. Is it worth it? Only you know what can be done with the situation, only you know, what's the outcome should be. It's way too messy to be coming out of this unscathed. I hope you will do what's right. Good luck.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
If you really, truly want to get out of the affair, you absolutely need to leave your job. Does that sound too difficult for you? Because the alternative is divorcing your husband. Pretend you have to pick between one of those two options, because that's what it boils down to. As for the rest of it, I guess I'm just an idealist but wtf are you doing? "but we are just so attracted to each other..." Well, too bad! Stop thinking with your vagina and wake up!
annbaby annbaby 9 years
I can't believe the title of your article! No! No! Of course you should not! Also, if your boss is really an all round player, chances are he won't be devastated if you want to end things with him. Unlike your husband, who would be heartbroken and miserable and take a huge blow to his ego and ability to trust! If you don't want to lose your marriage, you better stop this cheating. And if I were you I'd quit my job out of guilt, and to avoid future situations, even if everything works out fine and your boss doesn't hold anything against you. Is your husband really a great guy? Is your marriage really perfect? If so, you SHOULD feel dirty, not because you are a secret of your boss, but because you cheated on someone who loves you and you supposedly love! Please protect your husband and your marriage. Quit your job and stay loyal before you lose everything.
bluebutterfly bluebutterfly 9 years
Okay, first of all I don't feel sorry for you at all. It sounds to me like you are selfish. Your main concern should be your husband and not your job. See this is what happens when we lie and cheat, you can't just quit working there bc you would have to explain this too your husband and then sense you cheated on him....what's another lie? Cheaters never win.
jnnfrcyl jnnfrcyl 9 years
First, I would stop considering your boss as a "friend." Any guy, especially one that you consider a friend, should be able to realize that they shouldn't get in the middle of a woman and her marriage. He has clearly forged the long-term friendship to get what he wants. Your boss is a manipulative man, and knows he can get away with it. As for your job, too bad. You have to move on in order to save your marriage. People DO make mistakes.. but you have to learn from them. Don't become another divorce statistic.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
Ugh, I'm so disgusted with people like this. You say everything is "perfect" with your husband and marriage, but then you're having an affair? I find it almost humorous that the first thing that pops into your mind is losing your job. As if your husband doesn't even matter, or the fact that STD's don't even matter...the man is a pimp, for goodness' sake! First of all, I would sit down and confess to your husband. Go get yourselves BOTH tested. In the meantime, quit your job and find another one.
kristennn kristennn 9 years
I agree that you should definitely get out of there while you can, before the situation escalates into something that could have an enormous effect on your career. Also, I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship. You say everything is perfect and that you are happy with your marriage, but in all honesty, I believe that if you were truly happy with your husband, you would not feel the need to have this affair with your boss. Perhaps there's something lacking in your marriage, and you need to figure this out before you cause any more damage.
Traits of a Good Manager
How to Make the Workday Go Faster
What Makes a Relationship Last?
Interview Mistakes
From Our Partners
Latest Career & Finance
All the Latest From Ryan Reynolds